Chapter Nineteen
I Miss You
Potions is a drag, the empty seat next to me a constant reminder that I pushed away the one person that means the most to me. It's been a week since I told Emily about the impossible task that's been bestowed upon me. The void I feel, is made worse by the memory of me breaking her heart. I told her that I resented her for letting me fall in love with her. I hated myself the second I said it. I saw the hurt in her eyes when I uttered those words, the words that reminded me of my father. It's what he would've said. I don't regret telling her about the task. I had no other option, with our bond she'd have eventually figured it out, and that would have been worse, more of a betrayal.
I had a revelation after my frank conversation with Emily. If Emily and I were twin flames then leaving me isn't an option, just like I could never leave her. We share a soul after all. I really do hope that the bond we share is strong enough to deal with what is awaiting us moving forward. I also hope that Emily's love for me is strong enough to overcome this set back, and to have us find our way back to each other. If not, none of it matters. Because if we do share a soul and we can't find our way back to each other, it's all for nothing. Our fates are tied together whether we like it or not. It's a frightening, yet comfortable thought. As upset as she is with me at the moment, she will hopefully forgive me. Potions drags on; my mind preoccupied.
It's not lost on me that I haven't seen Emily in class for the third day in a row. I want to go to her, wrap my arms around her, and kiss away her pain. And yet I can't bring myself to, afraid that if I push too hard, I will lose her forever. So, I've been leaving it. I continue with my day as I normally would, except for spending alone time with Emily. How I miss just being in her presence, the warmth I've come to cherish now a distant memory. I see Emily leave Snape's office, dismayed. Her emotions cut through me. I also have a glimpse of her thoughts, utter confusion. I watch her, focusing on her presence. Deep down there is a flicker of love that gives me hope. I might not have lost her forever. I hurry to Transfiguration, again reminded of the rift between me and Emily, the seat next to me empty. A few students spare the seat and then me a glance, adding fuel to the gossip that's going around. Potter and Weasley walk in, both giving me the stink eye.
I don't even bother with a response, the two of them not worth it. It would also not help my plight in getting Emily back. I was so worried that she'd leave me for someone like Potter, and instead I chased her away with my insensitivity. I try concentrating, but it's futile. I can only think of one person, Emily. I truly hope that we can get past this. I'm not sure I can go on without her. My love for her is bigger than my need to bring honour to my family. If she ever forgives me, I'd walk away from my family, my legacy for her. "Mr. Malfoy," Professor McGonagall scowls, standing in front of my desk. I have no idea what she wants, not paying any attention to what she's been teaching. "Could you answer the question?" she repeats herself. I shake my head, "no, Professor." She tsks and moves back to the front of the class, her green robes fluttering behind her. I need to do better; my education is still important.
The Great Hall is busy, students talking and laughing. The atmosphere is merry, a complete contrast to how I'm feeling. My mood has worsened as the day went by; Emily's absence duly noted. My soul ached, and it's worse than it was during the summer break. Back then I thought I had to protect her from my Dark Mark and the Death Eaters that lived in my house, little did I know that something worse was on the horizon. I make small talk with Zabini and Nott as I eat dinner, appreciating the distraction. They talk about Quidditch, and about their plans for Christmas. I have no plans for Christmas, except for getting that stupid cabinet to work. I received a letter from home telling me to stay at Hogwarts and finish what I started.
I'm happy to spend Christmas away from Malfoy Manor, away from the scrutiny I'm sure to face if I step foot into the place, I call home. My aunt, Bellatrix can be persistent, and I have no interest in answering any of her demanding questions. I finish dinner, excuse myself and go for a walk to clear my head. I go to the one place I often find solace. More so now than before. I climb the stairs to the Astronomy Tower, the cold night air refreshing. I stop in my tracks, Emily standing by the wall, her black hair fluttering in the wind. I stand frozen, mesmerized by her beauty. Emily turns around, the bags under her eyes, and pale skin making my heart ache.
Our eyes lock, her blue gaze tense. The anguish she's feeling, nearly bringing me to my knees. I did that, I hurt her. I have to live with that. Emily drops her gaze, tucks her hands in her jacket pockets, and walks past me. On instinct I reach out, my fingers wrapping around her elbow. Emily looks back, her blue eyes swimming in tears. "Emily," I breathe, taking a step closer to her. I press my lips against the side of her head, resting my forehead against her hair. I close my eyes, the ache in my chest growing, the distance between us feeling vast. I inhale her flowery scent, the smell familiar. "I miss you," I whisper, my lips brushing her ear, her hair tickling my face. Emily takes a deep breath, her body quivering, as I get closer. "I need more time," she murmurs, her body going rigid. It's like a kick in the guts, her body feeling like that of a stranger's.
I kiss the top of her head, taking a step back, letting go of her elbow. Emily spares me one last look, hurrying down the stairs, leaving me cold and lonely. It has nothing to do with the weather, the chill in my bones from the distance between us. I lean back against the wall, the ache in my chest growing. The thump in my chest is painful, tears of frustration threatening to spill down my cheeks, a lonesome tear rolling down my cheek. I wipe the lonely tear away, leaving the place that once gave me comfort. Now it's tainted by my inability to be a better person. I return to the dungeons, getting ready for bed. Tonight, it's not the thought of failure that is keeping me awake. It's the absence of a warm body next to me. I close my eyes, focusing on the sounds around me. It's silent, the footsteps I pray would patter across the floor a hopeful wish. I'd give anything to have Emily here with me, my arm wrapped around her waist, her body flush against mine. I miss Emily dearly, my mind, body and soul craving her presence. I have another night of restless sleep, my dreams filled with Emily's cold blue stare. I wake up exhausted, praying that Emily will forgive me, because I realise, I need her like I need air to breathe.