"Oh…my…God!" gasped Batman. "It's…you!"
The man looked at him strangely. "Um…yeah…hi, Jack Napier," he said, extending his hand. Batman found himself looking for the joy buzzer attached to his hand, but there wasn't anything. Jack was looking at him oddly. "We haven't…met before, have we?" he asked, slowly. "I think I would have remembered."
"Er…no," stammered Batman. "No…you just…remind me of someone. An old…friend."
"Guess I got one of those faces!" chuckled Jack. Batman suddenly recognized the Joker's laugh – not as crazy or hysterical, but very obviously the Joker's laugh. "Geez, I gotta say, it feels kinda nice to be recognized, even if it ain't me you really recognize – you must get this feeling all the time, huh, Mr. Wayne? Ain't no secret who you are."
"No…" said Batman, slowly. He didn't have the slightest idea what was going on, or what was happening to him. He assumed it was some sort of dream, or mind control, instigated by the Mad Hatter. He would just have to play along as best he could until he found a way to get out of it.
He shook his head firmly in resolution. "I'm sorry for staring, Mr. Napier. It's just…uncanny."
"Hey, call me Jack," said Jack, grinning the Joker's grin. "Or J, if you prefer. Lotta people call me J." He clapped him on the back. "Right this way, Mr. Wayne."
"Oh, please…it's Bruce," said Batman slowly. It felt incredibly wrong giving his greatest enemy his real name, but this wasn't really his greatest enemy. He wasn't even sure he really was Bruce here.
Jack beamed at him. "Wait till Harley gets a loada this!" he chuckled to himself as he led him out of the alley and down the street. This second shock stunned Batman again, but he resolved to try to conceal his surprise as best he could. He was used to concealing things, after all.
"Honey, I'm home!" called Jack, throwing open the door to a small but cozy house in a row of brownstone buildings.
"Puddin'!" shrieked a familiar voice. "You're back, you're back, you're back!"
A second later, Harley Quinn rushed into the hall, but she didn't look like her usual self at all. She was wearing a red dress with a white apron, her blonde hair put up in a bun, the spitting image of a perfect fifties housewife.
She leaped into Jack's arms and kissed him passionately. At least some things hadn't changed, Batman thought. Truth to tell, it relieved him slightly. There was something familiar in this reality anyway.
"I missed you so much, puddin'!" she cooed, covering him with kisses.
"Take it easy, baby, we got company!" he chuckled. "And just wait until you see who it is!"
He stepped aside to reveal Batman. Harley stared at him with her mouth hanging open, and then suddenly clapped her hands to her mouth. "Oh my God!" she shrieked, jumping up and down in excitement. "It's Bruce Wayne! Oh God, Bruce Wayne! Bruce Wayne, in our house! Bruce Wayne! Bruce Wayne!"
She lost her ability to speak after that, and squealed excitedly instead, clutching Jack tightly. "All right, breathe, kiddo," he said, patting her affectionately on the head. "Bruce, this is my wife, Harley. Harley, no introductions are necessary, I assume?"
"It's…an honor…I mean, pleased to meetcha…I mean, welcome to our home, Mr. Wayne!" stammered Harley, alternating between curtseying, bowing, and holding out her hand. In the end, she just clasped Jack tightly again, gazing at Bruce in a mixture of adoration and astonishment. "Puddin', how did you…why is he…what's he doing here?" she gasped.
Jack chuckled. "We're old pals, Harley, ain't we, Bruce?" he said, grinning at him.
"Yes, that's right," replied Batman.
Jack laughed again. "Knew you were the kinda guy to appreciate a joke, Bruce!" he chuckled. "You got a sense of humor, I can see that! I'm just kidding, pooh bear, I just met Bruce tonight," he said, beaming at Harley. "Found him lying in Crime Alley. He's been mugged."
"Aw, Jesus, that's awful, Mr. Wayne!" exclaimed Harley. "Well, don't you worry, I'm sure they'll be able to catch the slime who did it! God, why have jerks gotta go around hurting people, Mr. J?" she sighed.
"Cause it's a cruel and crazy world, baby," he replied. "I'm lucky I got you to keep me sane," he murmured, kissing her.
She sighed in adoration and kissed him again. "You got dinner ready, toots?" asked Jack. "Is there enough for Bruce?"
"Oughta be, though I ain't sure I wanna expose him to my cooking," said Harley. "I know it'll be terrible to a man who's used to having filet mignon and caviar…"
"Aw, don't sell yourself short, baby, you're a great little cook!" said Jack sincerely. "She is, Bruce, just the perfect little homemaker in every way. I'm a lucky guy."
Harley squeaked happily and kissed him again. "Well, come to the table," she said, taking Jack's hand and leading them down the hall and into a small but tastefully furnished dining room. "Can I get you anything, Mr. Wayne? Drink, maybe?" she asked, gesturing him into a chair.
"No, thank you, Mrs. Napier," he replied.
"Aw, call me Harley, everyone does!" exclaimed Harley, beaming.
"All right, Harley," said Batman.
Harley shrieked in delight, clapping her hands. "He called me Harley, Mr. J!" she exclaimed, seizing Jack again.
"Yeah, you just asked him to, you dumb blonde," said Jack, smiling affectionately at her. "Now get back into the kitchen, you useless waste of space."
Normally when Batman had heard the Joker say anything like that, it was clearly genuinely insulting. The way he said it now, joking and playful, as he spanked her fondly, surprised him to say the least. Harley kissed him again and then disappeared back into the kitchen.
"Sorry if she scared you," said Jack, apologetically. "She's very…excitable. Can be a little full-on sometimes."
"No, it'll take a lot more than over-excitement to scare me," replied Bruce.
Jack laughed. "Yeah, you must be used to scores of adoring women shrieking and throwing themselves at you!" he chuckled. "Ah, the life of a celebrity! Not for me, I don't think. I'm the kinda guy who appreciates his peace and quiet and privacy. Couldn't stand having my picture all over the paper."
"Yeah, it can get pretty tiresome," agreed Batman. "Some days I just wish nobody knew who I was."
"Maybe you should wear a mask or something!" chuckled Jack.
Batman stared at him. "Maybe," he agreed, slowly.
"Grub's up!" exclaimed Harley, emerging from the kitchen with plates of casserole. "Oh…sorry…I mean, dinner is served, Mr. Wayne," she said, bowing as she put the plate in front of him.
"Bruce, please," said Batman.
Harley shrieked in excitement again, clapping her hands. "He said I could call him Bruce, Mr. J!" she cried, beaming at Jack.
"Yeah, I heard, kiddo," he retorted, chuckling. "Sit down, you little minx, and eat before it gets cold."
She kissed him again and obeyed. There was silence for a little while as they ate. "This is delicious, Harley," said Batman, sincerely.
Harley squealed again. "He likes my cooking, Mr. J!" she shrieked. "Oh…that is…thank you, Bruce," she stammered. She gazed at him, beaming, and then turned to Jack. "Wait until I tell Red! Bruce Wayne, in my house, at my table, eating my food!"
"Who's Red?" asked Batman, recognizing Harley's name for Poison Ivy.
"Oh, it's just a nickname for a friend of mine," replied Harley, waving her hand. "Her real name's Pamela Isley, but she's got red hair, so I call her Red."
"And is she a homemaker too?" asked Batman, privately thinking that if she was, this reality was just him losing his mind.
Jack and Harley both laughed. "Nah, Red would never wanna be anything like that!" giggled Harley. "She's a real feminist, female empowerment type. She's a doctor, a botanical biochemist, technically."
"And how do you know her?" asked Batman.
"Well, I used to be a doctor too," said Harley. "Not the same kinda doctor – I was a psychiatrist. Red came to me as a patient."
"Oh? Anything wrong with her?" asked Batman. "I don't mean to pry – I'm just…interested in mental disorders."
Harley shrugged. "Red won't mind. But no, there wasn't anything wrong with her, really – she had become a bit obsessed with her work on these plants, and started caring more about them than other people. But it turned out all she needed was a friend, and she found one in me. Ever since then, she's been perfectly happy with her work and her life."
"I see," said Batman. "And…how did you two meet, if you don't mind my asking?" he asked, gesturing to Jack.
Harley beamed at him. "Same way, really. Mr. J was a patient of mine."
"But we didn't start a relationship until I was cured – I ain't the kinda guy to take advantage of a gal like that," said Jack firmly. "And Harley was never anything but professional with me."
"I won't ask what you consulted her for, that would be horribly rude…" said Batman, secretly hoping that that would be enough prompting for them to tell him.
It was. "Nah, it ain't no secret, and I ain't ashamed of my past," said Jack, waving his hand. "Truth is, Bruce, I didn't used to be the most…morally upright of people."
"Mr. J used to be a criminal," said Harley. "Never did anything too bad – just petty robberies, holding up banks, jewelry stores, that kinda thing."
"I got arrested after a raid on this place called Ace Chemicals," continued Jack. "During my time in prison, they made me see a psychiatrist, someone they sent over from the nuthouse. This little doll here," he said, beaming at her. "The moment I saw her, it was like my whole life changed. I fell madly in love with her, a madness I hope never gets cured," he murmured, kissing her tenderly.
"Puddin' resolved to be a better man, a man he thought was worthy of me," murmured Harley, smiling lovingly at him. "He got outta prison early for good behavior, looked me up, and sent me flowers. And we've never looked back."
"You don't…practice psychiatry anymore?" asked Batman slowly.
"Nah, gave up my career for love," she replied. "Ain't never regretted it. Puddin' makes enough money for us to live on – it ain't a glamorous lifestyle, but we like it. Plus I don't wanna be working when…" she paused, blushing.
Jack lay a hand on her belly. "We're trying for a baby," he said, smiling at her.
"Oh…God…" stammered Batman. It was difficult for him to separate Jack and Harley from Joker and Harley – they were incredibly similar in many ways. And there was nothing more horrific than the thought of Joker and Harley having a baby. "Wow…that's…great news," he finished, hoping his smile didn't look too forced. "I hope that works out for you."
He cleared his throat. "This is gonna seem kinda weird, but if I said some names to you, could you tell me if they ring a bell at all?"
Jack shrugged. "Sure, Bruce. Shoot."
"Ok. Harvey Dent."
Jack laughed. "You nuts? Course Harvey Dent rings a bell – he's the DA!"
"Oh…right…he hasn't suffered any kinda…accident then?"
Jack looked at him. "Erm…no, not that I've heard. Should he have?"
"Maybe something to do with acid? And Sal Maroni?"
"Sal Maroni?" repeated Jack. "What, the gang leader? Why would he wanna hurt Harvey Dent? Dent's real good at keeping both sides of the law happy – both the right and the wrong side. He's a fair guy – nothing's more important to him than balance, and he always sees both sides of an argument. That's why he's the best DA this city has ever had. He doesn't have a personal vendetta against any of the gang leaders, he don't have any highfalutin ideals about justice and right. He doesn't seek to prosecute – he seeks to keep the peace. An appeaser, I guess, but a successful one. Mob killings have certainly diminished since he's been in power."
"What about the name Jonathan Crane? Does that mean anything to you?" asked Batman.
"Jonathan Crane," repeated Harley, thoughtfully. "Professor Jonathan Crane?"
"That's the one," said Batman, nodding.
"He teaches at Gotham University," she replied. "I went to a lecture of his on the nature of fear and its effects the human mind. He's got a really great mind himself, actually, but a slightly disturbed one. He came to see me because he had some anger issues resulting from being bullied as a child. We had several sessions over the years, and the last time I saw him, he seemed to have come to some sort of acceptance. I think he was seeing a woman or something – nothing heals all wounds like love," she said, beaming at Jack.
"Does the name Jervis Tetch ring a bell at all?"
They both looked at him blankly. "No, I can't say that it does," said Jack. "Who is he?"
"He is…was…maybe still is…an employee of…my father's," said Bruce, slowly. "I may have to look him up."
If Tetch had done this to him, Tetch would know how to undo it. He resolved to hunt him down, however it took, once he left. "Just one more name, if you don't mind…"
"No, carry on, Bruce, it's a fun game!" chuckled Jack.
"The name…is Batman."
They both stared at him. "Batman?" repeated Jack.
"Yes."
"Like a man…who's a bat?"
"A man who dresses as a bat," replied Batman, nodding. "Maybe fights crime?"
Jack just looked at him. "You sure you're feeling all right, Bruce? Maybe we oughta take you to the hospital – you might have got a concussion…"
"Look, just tell me if you've ever heard about a man in a bat costume who goes around fighting crime," said Batman, with a slight edge to his voice.
"Erm…no…can't say that I have," said Jack. "Harley?"
She shook her head. "Did you dream about that or something, Bruce?" she asked.
"Maybe," murmured Batman. "Maybe…it is all a dream."
Jack suddenly laughed. "I gotta admit, Bruce, that may be the funniest thing I ever heard! Guy in a bat costume who goes around fighting crime!" He laughed hysterically. "I mean, he'd have to be nuts, right?"
"Yeah," agreed Batman, slowly. "Yeah, maybe he is."