A/N: Read and enjoy. All is explained to my absence at the end of this chapter. Any typos please tell me!
This was ludicrous, insane, over the top and completely unintentional. Jim new this, he knew he was losing his mind, but at the moment he found himself laying in his quarters, on his bed, and curled into the side of the man he had been fighting with for the past month. Jim didn't know why he let it happen, didn't have a clue as to why, right after being released from the hospital, he let Spock into his quarters. Jim didn't understand how he could have possibly done it and how it felt so… right. The worst part of it all, the part that ached and burned his heart, was that he was so easily laying there curled into the man, watching him sleep so peacefully, when he couldn't even have bones touch him without flinching. It made him sick, it made him hate himself, but above all else it made his head spin.
Jim knew, knew with all his pathetic little heart, that he shouldn't be forgiving Spock yet. He should be running his fingers over the other bare just and watching him just breath, but here he was and he had no intent of leaving. Jim turned his gaze from the males sleeping face and stared at the bassinet that sat innocently on the other side of the bed. How could he be okay with this when Spock had tried to get him to give up their son? How could he be okay with this and just curl into Spock without any thought? How could he even be so close to Spock after what those bastards did to him? Jim didn't have the answers, didn't even understand his own thoughts and yet, somehow, he knew in his heart what the answer was.
'Illogical' ran through the blonds head as he stared at where his son was sleeping 'insane' chimed in and Jim was sure he was losing it. He had to get up, couldn't just lay in bed and let his thoughts consume him, and slowly he shifted, hands sliding to the mattress to push him up and slipping from their purchase on Spocks chest. Jim felt a slightly cool hand slide around his own and he glanced down to see long thin fingers gently resting on his own. Blue eyes glanced up to stare into brown and Jim honestly wondered how long Spock had been awake, how long he had been listening, and he knew that he wouldn't get an answer. Jim looked away from those inquisitive human eyes and felt a strange mixture of annoyance and love rustle around in his heart for a moment before fading off to confusion and fondness.
"I wish you wouldn't do that Spock." Jim mumble slightly to himself but he knew that Spock could hear him.
"What are you speaking of Jim?" The Vulcan said, his tone which was cold to most held a hint of concern that only Jim could hear, and the blond glanced back at him.
"I know you could hear me… My thoughts. Don't pretend like you couldn't." Jim shifted away from the other, sliding of the bed and moving over to Soval who was laying quietly in his crib and staring up at the ceiling. Spock sat up, eyes watching Jim -who was clad in only a set of boxers- as he lifted Soval out of his crib. Spock know what the other was speaking of, he knew about the blonds confusion, but it was his own as well. Spock could not understand what had so suddenly changed between them, could not comprehend how he had so suddenly given into what Jim wanted and had not even questioned for a second when Jim asked him to come stay in his quarters.
"Jim… We will need to speak of it eventually. You are… confused and while I do not have the answers we can always-" Jim glanced at Spock, eyes showing the irritation that was mounting.
"I don't want to talk about it Spock… I don't have the heart to talk about it. I know what the talk could lead to and I just… I can NOT relive that right now." Jim looked back to Soval who was more than happily ignoring his fathers and chewing on his fist as he waited to be fed. Jim held the child close and gave Spock one last glance before heading out of the bedroom. This was a conversation they had often, too often, and most of the time it lead to a fight, well more like Jim yelling and Spock trying to use logic to calm him down, but Jim knew that Spock was just trying to look out for him. The Vulcan, sweet concerned Spock, was only trying to alleviate some of Jims pain and hopefully figure out the answers he was looking for. Jim new this but even as he heated but the bottle for Soval and sat on the couch to feed him, he just couldn't think about talking.
It was a selfish need of self preservation, one that was deep rooted into Jims very being, because he knew that this talk would lead to what happened on that ship, to what had been done to him, and Jim just wasn't ready to voice it. He could hardly stand the looks of pity he received now and just building onto it by causing himself emotional pain would only make Jim fall apart and right now he had a very important person who needed him to stay together.
That person was currently trying to grab his bottle with his little fists in hopes of getting the bottle to feed him faster. Little legs kicked out in frustration as all too blue eyes stared up at his 'Mother'. It had been hell when he first got back on the ship, staring down at his son now the memories came back to him, he hadn't been able to even hold his son in that time. It hadn't been for jims safety either but more because no one wanted the male to drop the child. This lead to long hours of Spock taking the infant to the bridge and coming down to spend time with Jim as well as let him see his son. He had seen Spock everyday but the time between visits had been so long. The worst parts was the visiting of his crew though, even more so the men that he knew, it had burned more than the cuts he had received to see the pity and hear everyone speak o him as if he would break. Of course it didn't help that Jim couldn't even sit in the same room as those men for longer than ten minutes with feeling the need to flee.
Jim sighed slightly, remembering the look on Chekovs face when he had first seen him again, and decided he would not focus on those weeks spent in the med bay. Jim glanced up when he heard Spock leave their room and then carefully passed Soval over to the male, the bottle now empty, and left to get dressed for his shift. Jim walked into the bathroom, his face dutifully turned away from the mirror, and replicated a new uniform before turning on the water shower he had the pleasure of having in his quarters. He stood ramrod straight and held his back to the mirror, eyes focused on the almost perfectly smooth walls, before he slowly undress himself. He could handle the scars on his torso, as long as he only saw them from a view of loking down, but the other scars haunted him like a bad tattoo. Jim slipped into the shower, eyes focused on the wall, and once the water started it's cascade down his back he closed his eyes and leaned into it. It was warm, not the exuberant heat Spock seemed to enjoy it at, but warm. It heated his chilled bones and poured away the painful thoughts that plagued him.
Jim only stayed immobile for a moment though, his limbs seeking to start their daily task, and slowly he cleaned himself up, washed the grime of sleep away, and then he stepped out of the shower and into the open air. The water shut off and the steam wafted up to the vent it was being pulled out of as Jim quickly started getting dressed. The steamed mirror showed him nothing as he slid on his pants and his shirt, revealed no scars as he brushed his teeth and shaved, all it did was sit innocently covered by the steam and condensation. Jim sighed as the steam finally drifted away and he was met with his normal self, his normal captain like self, and slowly exited from the bathroom. Back out into the living area and Jim wasn't surprised to see spoke holding Soval while also going over some data pads. The male had become adapt at the task of holding his son with only one arm and Jim only assumed it was because of all the times that Spock had needed to take the child onto the bridge with him. Jim stood for a moment, Soval swinging his not as tiny arms around and Spock aptly dodging the faild grabs at his ears, chin, and nose.
It was an interesting sight to see his son with Spock, Jim knew it would be a rather long time until he became used to the sight after having been with Soval alone for so long, but Spock was obviously attached to the infant, his hold firm but soft and an obvious hint of caring rested in his eyes when he looked at the boy. Jim smiled slightly to himself, his previous worries and frustration currently taking a back seat in his mind, and walked over to Spock to pick up his son. Spock glanced at him, there hands brushing lightly, and then his eyes were back down at his pad.
"I see you are in your uniform today Jim." Spock spoke, his tone impassive but the slight scrunch of his eyebrows showed the concern he was hiding. Jim knew what this was about and his shoulders stiffened slightly, arms tightening a minute amount around Soval in his sudden agitation. The infant stared up at him, eyes suddenly curious as to why his holder was suddenly stiff. Jim shrugged his shoulder slightly, hand reaching up to gently stroke Sovals back.
"I have been off the bridge for a long time Spock, a lot longer than it took me to heal, I need to get back to my duties." Spock was typing something on his pad and slowly diverted his attention to Jim. His eyes spoke volumes even though his expression was impassive. The Vulcan set his pad down and slowly stood, choosing to stand beside Jim who unconsciously leaned toward the male.
"Jim... if you are not ready to return to duty you do not need to." Spock carefully placed his hand over jims, which rested on Sovals back, and Jim felt something in his heart pull. Spock was right that he didn't have to go back to duty, in fact most of his crew were not expecting to see him back so soon, but Jim needed to, he HAD to. This was the only way he was going to heal and the only way that he would find some normalcy.
"No Spock… I have been in this room for a long time, hiding away, and I can't do it anymore. I need to go back to my duties. I am captain and I need to act like one." Spock stood still for a moment, his eyes searching Jims face for something, anything, that he could use to persuade the male to just spend a few more days off the bridge for his own health but Spock did not find it and instead he took a step back, his hands clasping together behind his back, and he nodded. Jim let out a sigh of what seemed to be relief before turning back to his and Spocks room to get the things for Soval.
It was… out of regulation for Jim to have Soval on the bridge. It was against regulation to have ANY child on the bridge of the enterprise but this wasn't something that Spock and Jim could simply just write off. They had found out the hard way, when Spock had first tried to captain the ship after his own injuries had fully healed, and the two had left Soval in the care of Uhura who had been off duty. Soval couldn't stand to be away from his parents. Weather it was Jim or Spock he had one of them near or he would start screaming. Jim knew this wasn't normal, he could see that Spock knew it to, but after what had happened Jim and Spock let the child latch onto them. They let the child feel comfort in their presence and in return Soval was the ultimate picture of a well behaved Vulcan infant. He never cried, hardly made any noise, and spent more time trying to get his legs and arms working at full capacity than playing with the toys Jim brought for him.
It was a good thing that his crew was used to Soval, Jim thought as he stepped onto the bridge, or else he would be in trouble. Of course that wasn't to say that he wasn't already. He was in trouble, had been since he had randomly gone into labor in the middle of his shift, because sleeping with your first officer was against too many regulations and then having a child with your first office, the son of the Vulcan ambassador to add on, was just throwing the ultimate 'I-FUCKED-UP' nail into the coffin. So yeah Jim was in trouble, a lot of trouble, and when Uhura looked at him as he stepped onto the bridge and told him they had a transmission from Starfleet Jim knew that today was going to be hell. Jim glanced to Spock, who nodded slightly, and realized this was why the other had been trying to keep him off the bridge. Jim sighed slightly and turned back to Uhura.
"Send it to briefing room one. I assume I am not the only one required for this oh so pleasant call?" Uhura shook her head, eyes glancing to Spock, and then silently sent the transmission to the correct briefing room. Jim and Spock both made their walk of shame back off the bridge and to the briefing room. Jim sat down at the head of the table, Soval trying to grab at his chin and making tiny frustrated noises, and Spock sat to his right, back ramrod straight and eyes staring forward. Jim stared down at the button that would start the feed and felt himself hesitate before finally his hand reached out and he pressed on that imposing button with determined force. There was an almost imperceptible beep before the view screen showed a small gathering of admirals.
Pike was there, the first person Kirk paid mind to, and he looked haggard and worn. The look on his face was not one of joy when he finally saw Jim and it certainly wasn't one of relief when he saw Soval. Archer who was sitting further to his left seemed to turn grim and his hands fiddled at the controls by his chair, as if itching to shut off the call, Admiral Komack was there along with several other disapproving faces he had not yet bothered to learn the names of. Jim was slightly taken aback by this sight but he kept the surprise off his face and instead he traded it for confusion.
"Admirals." Jim nodded to them, his eyes landing firmly on Pike and then on Archer.
"Captain Kirk, Officer Spock. It is good to finally be in contact with you. We have much we need to speak about. Let's not exclude the rest involved in this discussion though." Jim blinked slightly and Archer shifted his hand to show the screen that revealed a greater part of the Vulcan high council, Spocks father absent from that list. Spock didn't move an inch and his expression didn't change but Jim could feel the sudden tension.
"Before we even start what have I done to involve the Vulcan high council in this discussion-" Pike gave Jim a stern look which shut him up rather fast.
"The answer to the question is currently resting your arms James." One of the admirals spoke and Jim glanced down at Soval who was staring at the view screen with strange alertness for and infant his age. Jim shifted the infant up slightly and glanced between the two screens. "I thought this was already discussed? Last I checked Soval staying on the ship with me was not a problem." Komack huffed slightly and Pike decided to step in.
"To be truthful Jim, no one besides myself had thought he would become a…permanent aspect of your life." Jim drew back slightly in surprise and hurt. Spocks fist clenched slightly and he couldn't meet anyone's eyes. He had made the same assumption and it had lead to him almost losing Jim and their son. Spock stared at the screens his face calm and collected but his anger relentlessly boiling under his skin and just barely under his control.
"How does this pertain to the council being in this conversation. Their involvement has yet to be explained." Spock spoke with a hint of an edge to his voice that, apparently, only Jim could hear.
"This has a great deal to do with us Commander Spock. You had only weeks ago conceded, as the Childs second father, to hand him over to us so that he could be raised properly. Has your opinion changed on the matter commander?" Spock gave a short nod for an answer and Jim found it odd that Spock did neither verbally confirm or deny what the council had just said. Jim looked back to the admiralty.
"What does this have to do with anything? You have already given me permissio-" Jim was cut off.
"In light of certain events we have come to withdraw our speedy agreement. A spaceship is no place to raise a child Captain and as such we have decided that you must make the choice of staying captain of the enterprise, and giving you son to the council so he can be placed with a proper family, or… you can give up you captaincy and resign." (****) Jim felt like he was receiving a punch to the gut and all the air left his lungs in a rush. Spock moved effortlessly and took a now squirming Soval who had sensed his 'mothers' sudden distress. Jim leaned back in his chair and stared straight forward, his hands almost limp.
"I… Are you serious? Do I have the choice to send him to be taken care by my mother? Maybe my brother? Or even Spock's father? Also I don't think… We can't do this right now. After what happened Soval can't even be away from myself or Spock without screaming." Jim felt his hands shaking out of view of the camera. Pike went to speak but a slowly grinning Komack just shook his head.
"Your son is Vulcan Jim. And thanks to your miraculous Luck his genetics prove him to be almost more Vulcan than human. He has to stay with a Vulcan so he can learn to control himself. I am sure that commander Spock understands this." Spock stared at Komack, a silent fire resting in his eyes, and he nodded. Jim was taken back for a second and then Spock spoke.
"I do understand Admiral and if Soval was to stay with both James and I then there would be no need for concern." Spock glanced at the high council who were sitting almost silently on there side. Before one finally spoke up.
"Are you sure you want your son in this kind of Danger? You have already had a hostile alien race attack you, abduct James, and destroy parts of New Vulcan. Who is to say that The will not come for James again." Spock stared straight at the council man speaking.
"I will say as much because they are dead. If these are the only illogical and irrational options being presented than we will not hear anymore of this." Everyone on the view screen seemed slightly shocked, the raised eyebrows on the Vulcan's seeming to prove as much, and Jim looked to Spock and under the table gently grabbed his hand. Spock turned his head imperceptibly in Jims direction and then both of them were looking back to the view screen. Jim sat up straight again and rest one hand on the table.
"I have heard the options given to me and I recognize the…severity of the situation. You avoided passing punishment on me for having slept with my first officer in the first place, given the… circumstances and I thank you for that. I just ask that now you give me some… time to think this over. This is not an… easy decision you realize. You ask me to give up my family either way." Pike looked away from the view screen, his eyes closing tightly in pain himself. Jim nodded to each of the admirals and without saying a word to pike, as he usually did, he said his farewells and shut the view screen off.
Jim sat back in his chair, elbows resting on his knees and head in his hands, and tried to reign in his rampant emotions. It didn't last long before Jim was jolting p out of his seat.
"Those…Those BASTARDS!" Jim ground out. His chest heaving slightly and Spock stood quickly, his normally calm poise shaken slightly by the sudden onslaught of jims burning rage.
"They think they can just… can just TELL me to give up my family like this? They had told me that I could keep Soval and remain captain but I should have known… I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! Especially that damned Komack!" Jim felt his pulse race and he headed for the door. This was an outrage, a cheat on the system, and Jim wasn't going to stand for it. He wasn't going to lose his son after all that had happened. Spock followed after Jim quickly, trying not to jostle Soval to much seeing as he was steadily growing more upset. He managed to grab onto Jims wrist just as they entered the bridge. Jim still carrying on.
"Jim, you must calm yourself-" Jim spun on Spock his eyes colder than the ice on delta vega.
"Calm myself Spock? You heard the council in there! One of the reasons this was even a possibility is because you gave up your rights as Sovals father! You let this happen because you could not handle this and in that goddamned Vulcan mind of yours you thought getting rid of him would be the best alternative!" Spock released the others wrist and stared at Jim for a hard moment. He knew this wasn't the place, or the time, to speak of this but he found himself speaking without any accord.
"I know what I have done Jim and if there was a way for me to… withdraw my declaration than I would. Jim you must understand that I was not prepared for something so extreme to happen in a night." Jim through his hands up at this
"You weren't prepared Spock?! I went from being the world's most eligible bachelor to a father in the blink of an eye! I found out I had gone on DEADLY away missions while carrying a child I was told would NEVER happen! To this day I am still amazed because I almost DIED on several occasions and if anything is ever wrong with Soval I can only blame myself! I feel guilt everyday for not having known! And now, NOW, because of what you did I have to choose between my crew, the crew who is my FAMILY and my son! The obvious choice is there Spock." Spock breathed for a moment, his heart pounding in his chest and Soval sobbed silently into his chest as Jim yelled. The bridge crew stared at the two of them, Chekovs eye's wide and brimming slightly with tears.
Jim took a moment to breathe. His heart thudding painfully in his chest and then he looked around at the rest of the crew, guilt and pain filling him all at once. He couldn't do this, he couldn't make a choice like this. This was HIS crew. These people were his friends, his FAMILY, and he wasn't going to throw that away but he couldn't give up Soval, he couldn't leave him to be tormented on Vulcan like Spock was. Jim felt his chest Heave and then he was heading for the turbo lift "Spock you have the con." And he disappeared behind the door. Spock stood still for a moment, staring at the door Jim had just vanished behind and he quickly made his way across the bridge "Sulu you have the con. If Starfleet coms do not put them through unless it is a mission."
The bridge crew blinked in surprise, their eyes still wide, this was very quickly turning out to be a day that none of them would forget. They watched as Spock vanished into the turbo lift.
The walk to his and Jims cabin wasn't very long, Spock had counted how many seconds it took to get there and how many steps he had to take, but at this moment in time it seemed to take longer. The illogical thought hit Spock as strange as he walked down the corridor, the haste he was feeling amplifying slightly as Soval shifted in his arms. When Spock finally did reach the cabin he couldn't help but pause outside the door for a second, tricking himself into thinking it was because Jim was possibly not in there, but as he opened the door he knew it was because he was afraid of what he would find.
What Spock did find was a disaster, things were thrown on the floor and someone had done their worst to the table, but Spock pushed any surprise down and gently set Soval in his crib, the child needing to rest after having another stressful experience. The Vulcan stood straight as he made his way into the silent bedroom and saw jim sitting on the bed with his head in his hands, his whole body shaking in suppressed rage, fear, and pain. Spock was at a slight loss as to what he was supposed to do so slowly he sat down beside Jim, his precious Jim, and rest a slightly cool had on his back.
"I can't… I can't do this Spock. I don't want to lose any of it. I don't want to lose my ship, my crew, my son… I don't want to lose you." Spock shifted slightly at that and gently rubbed the others back. "Jim.. No matter the decision you make you would not be 'losing' me. I do believe you would not be 'losing' the crew as well. But it does not matter either way. This descision presented to you is… extreme. I do not believe that Starfleet has the right to take Sova-" Jim shook his head.
"They do Spock.. They really do. They can deem me an unfit parent and have him taken away. There are so many examples they can pull from and the fact that I hadn't even known about Soval… Spock they can take him away and if it comes to that I can almost certainly say that Komack will try to pin me for sleeping with you. We broke so many regulations, so many codes, and were still doing it! We could get court-martialed for what we did Spock." Spock shifted slightly and his hand stilled.
"If it comes to that I will take the blame." Jim jerked up.
"What?" Jim stuttered out.
"If it comes to such extreme measures I will take the blame Jim. You are not an unfit parent and anyone on this ship would fight to defend your right to keep Soval. These choices laid out before you are not legally sound and should you chose neither and Starfleet forces you into either options you are legally allowed to take action." Jim stared up at the other for a second and then looked down at the floor.
"Spock… I can't…. I can't fight over this. I don't want to fight over this. I don't want to talk about it or think about it because I just… I can't. I don't want you to take blame because you did nothing wrong, you have do anything wrong. When you wanted to give Soval up.. I shouldn't have thrown it in your face like that because you weren't ready, we both weren't." Jim stared at the floor, his hands clasped as he thought about the situation they were in. long fingers gently tilted his chin up and tuned his face to Spocks. The Vulcan stared at Jim with those liquid brown eyes.
"You do not need to apologize to me Jim. I understand." And ever so carefully Spock leaned down and kissed Jim in the most intimate, and human, way he could. Both of them closed their eyes for a moment. Jim trying to forget the anger and pain of the day, and Spock just trying to wipe it away.
"A kiss to the forehead means they care only about you"
A/N:
*****I would just like to say you guys dodged a bullet, I was half tempted to end the chapter there but then I changed my mind
Well there you have it guy's the long awaited 10th chapter. I debated with myself for a long time on whether or not I should have scrapped this story just because when I first started writing it I had NO IDEA where exactly this story was going and now that I do… Well I wanted to re-write it in more of the style I have in this chapter. I am not SURE if I ma still going to do that but if you would like me to see your impute than post in your review (re-write yay or nay). This chapter was a little bit more about Spock and Kirk specifically than the others. They are not healed yet so they are still going to fight and Jim is still trying to figure out how he is back to being so close to Spock after all that happened. I guess you guys will find out what they will have to go through to keep their son, and save themselves, in the later chapters ~.^ good night you guys and I hope you enjoyed the read.