"This is my December,
This is my time of the year...
This is my December,
This is all so clear...
This is my December,
This is my snow covered home...
This is my December,
This is me alone..."
Linkin Park - "My December"
In winter, for that brief moment- that oh too brief season, you see everything exactly as it is.
For some odd reason, Belle felt more alive, more real in the winter than she had ever felt. The cold air caused her to see her breath, reminding her if she was breathing, she was alive. She was real.
This December was beautiful- snow covered the land surrounding the Dark Castle, the evergreens in the distance heavy with the weight of unfallen snow on their limbs. The rest of the trees were bare, their trunks reminding her of sycamore trees.
It was odd how all others avoided the area as if it were the plague- you approach it even once and you are infected- branded with an unseen mark on your forehead, alerting others of your corruption. But while people avoided the area, she noticed a surprising number of animals converging around the trees- deer prancing about, rabbits hopping through fallen limbs.
For this reason, the garden had become her haven. It shielded her from the harsh reality that lay far beyond the castle. She would sit on a stone bench at the highest part of the garden and stare at the landscape, her mind in wondering about the people who lay far beyond the boundaries of it. She wondered if the wives truly loved their husbands. If the mothers loved their children. She would envision different stories for these people and would imagine the happiest endings possible for all. Except for her father.
For in that brief season, you see everyone for who they are.
She had never knew the feeling or desire of vengeance before. She had never felt the need for revenge, so it had been a deeply buried, foreign emotion to her. She didn't understand why she felt such vindictiveness- why she felt detached as she looked at his eyes in her nightmares. She didn't understand how she was able to hurt him without drawing a tear. This terrified her.
She felt the damn tears she always held in fall down her cheeks. She hated crying. She didn't want to feel weak, and crying made her feel exactly that.
Belle felt gentle hands on her shoulders and knew it was Rumplestiltskin. He had tried to give her as much privacy as possible, but hearing her cry made him forget his silent promise. The Dark One turned her around gently and held her against his chest, stroking her hair. Within minutes, her tears stopped and they stood there in the snow- falling wisps of flakes falling on them.
In that beautiful but brief season, time stands still- allowing you to hold on to the moment of peace. The moment of comfort.
The Dark One led her back into the castle as the snow began to fall heavily. Belle leaned her head on his shoulder, inhaling the smoky scent of him- heady, intoxicating. Leaning on his shoulder felt like she was in front of a warm fire. He broke away from her to open the door for her. Belle stood there, frozen in the growing twilight. Rumplestiltskin faced her as silence stretched out between the two.
"Why did you come for me?" she asked, her voice a whisper against the snowflakes.
"I don't know what you mean, dearie," he lied, knowing she found out the truth- that he had come for her. Just not at the right time.
That beautiful, brief moment of perfect clarity.
"I've been insulted enough, Rumplestiltskin! Please don't act as if you don't know. That night in the forest- why did you come for me?" Belle said, her voice turning gritty with emotion. The Dark One stared at her, not knowing what to say.
"No. I'm asking the wrong question-"
"Belle, it's late. You've been outside in the cold for a while. Come inside and we'll talk," he said, interrupting her. He made his way to her and gently held her hand, only to have it snatched away from him. He looked at Belle with confusion and hurt.
"Why didn't you come for me sooner? Why didn't you even look for me after I left?! Why?" Belle cried at him, hitting his chest with her fists.
"You don't know what it was like, Rumplestiltskin. When my father flogged me he forced me to beg for you to come save me. All those nights- every single night I prayed for death. You don't know what it was like- you don't know what it's like- to love someone with everything you possibly have, only to have them dismiss it like trash!"
Rumplestiltskin was at a loss. He wanted nothing more than to hold her; to explain what had happened. But it doesn't happen that way.
He thought she was dead by her own hand. He believed Regina's lies because he couldn't believe Belle's truth.
Then it becomes a question of whether to accept what you see as the truth or deny it as nothing more than a forsaken dream.
Belle screamed at him, a torrent of her pain coming to the surface.
"Why didn't you care?" she sobbed, falling into the snow.
The Dark One fell to his knees in front of her- a supplicant in front of the one person who held the most power over him.
"I just wanted to come home."
The words hit him deep inside his heart. He reached out his hand to tilt her face up. The Dark One knew he was the cause for her pain- all of it. He held his own tears, although he could feel the pain in his eyes. He cursed himself for all he had caused, for all the pain and anguish he had caused her. He stared at her, silently begging for her to understand that he was sorry. The words couldn't form and remained buried inside his throat.
It becomes a question of whether or not you can accept a beautiful lie or the ugly truth.
"I was a coward. Between the two of us...you'll always be the brave one."
Her eyes looked up to his face as she let out a small chuckle.
"I don't think there was courage in anything I did," she said, a rueful smile on her face.
He can't help but to return her smile. Even though hers is tinted with sadness, it's better than seeing the corners of her mouth turned down in an eternal frown.
Night had fallen across the sky as the air grew colder. Rumplestiltskin extended his hand to Belle, a hopeful look in his eyes. He smiled inwardly as she accepted his hand.
The Dark One sat in front of his fireplace, watching the embers intently. He held his chin in his hand, the other drumming against his boot. His mind would not not let him rest- he kept rehashing the events from earlier...from the time he brought her home.
It killed him to know she had been through so much pain in such a short period of her life. She was a maiden; a princess. Yet she had been treated as if she were tainted and spoiled. Treated like she was a whore. The thoughts enraged him as he stood up, moving to the door. He merely desired to walk around the castle- maybe even make a new potion for Belle's "darling" father.
"Father," he spat in disgust. The bastard had no business being one. He was undeserving. Of everything he had.
He moved to open the door and was hocked to see Belle, her hand raised in preparation to knock.
"Oh, I- I'm sorry," she said. The look on her face sent sadness through his veins, polluting his heart. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears.
The Dark One pushed his thoughts of vengeance from his mind as he tenderly brought her into his arms. He felt her take a deep breath as she wrapped her arms around him.
"What's wrong, sweet?" he whispered, gently stroking her hair. He could feel her trembling and wanted to take her fears, take her pain away.
"I couldn't...I couldn't sleep," her voice replied, choke with pain of holding back tears.
Tears had finally found their release as The Dark One stroked her back and hair softly, whispering endearments in her ear.
He broke away from her and led her to the bed. She laid herself down, rolling over to her side to face the fireplace.
Rumplestiltskin climbed in next to her, his hand gently stroking her shoulder. He felt a small victory when she moved closer to him. She rolled over and looked at him, no longer crying. He reached out and cupped her cheek in his hand, his thumb stroking it.
He could see a storm behind her eyes- one of confusion, sadness and...desire? It couldn't be. He felt as if his mind was playing tricks on him, taunting him with what could have been.
"I wish I could kiss you," Belle said, averting her eyes from the Dark One.
"...And why so, dearie?" he asked, resuming in stroking her cheek.
"It made me happy. It made me feel...safe," she replied, shrugging her shoulders.
The fucking curse kept speeding through his head. There was so much he wanted, so much he needed. But he couldn't have the curse, along with his wishes.
"I can't have it both ways," he whispered. The Dark One took a deep breath and let his walls slowly down. Belle turned her face to him, a confused look furrowing her brow.
"What do you mean?"
He took a deep breath as he focused his eyes away from her, staring off into space. He had to disconnect himself from this moment. He would tell her, but he couldn't let his feelings get in the way of the truth. Of the cold, harsh reality that he -was- a monster.
"What would you do, Belle? What would you do if you were faced the choice of choosing one person you love and another?"
"...Your son."
"Imagine. Having all the power in the world. Imagine having that, but being unable to have what you desire most."
Belle remained quiet as Rumplestiltskin rose from the bed. When he walked to the door, she spoke.
"Wait. There's...I don't understand," she said, genuinely confused at his confession. Was he talking of his son? Or of her?
"There's no point in understanding, dearie," he said as he walked back to her, stroking her temple and letting his magic bleed out through him.
"But-" she tried to speak again, only to feel her eyes grow heavy. She sighed softly as she fell into sleep- a peaceful sleep free from nightmares, free from the ghosts of her past that managed to attack her even in her waking moments.
The Dark One gingerly moved his hand from the side of her face, his fingers longingly caressing her. He felt a heavy sinking in her heart when he saw her small smile. Magic had made her smile like that, not him. He had to keep telling himself that.
He left the room silently, wandering the halls of the Dark Castle. His mind weighed heavily with his curse; with his damnation.
Not knowing why, he walked to his lab, seemingly in a haze.
Some curses had ways around them- not breaking them, but manipulating them...
The snow melted quickly, the sun shone brighter, and warm winds came. Belle's spirits were not lifted with the coming of spring. It held so much pain for her now. She didn't see the beautiful skies. She saw darkened clouds and darkened skies quickly replacing the sun shine and warm winds. Rain fell from the heavens, as if in mourning.
She couldn't seem to get out of the darkness she found herself in. The young heroine, the young, carefree, princess- that young girl was gone. She had died the moment her father had condemned her.
But who had replaced her? Who was the person she saw in the mirror? A woman- broken, destroyed, and unwanted.
She found herself thinking thoughts of vengeance. For the first time in her short life, she could understand- she could understand why the Dark One had taken his revenge on the pirate. She could understand why her Dark One had taken revenge on Milah. It frightened her, but more than anything...it felt as if something clicked in her mind.
"Are you feeling well?" she heard a voice ask. She turned and saw Rumplestiltskin behind her, keeping a comfortable distance.
"Yes. Well...I guess as well as I can be, all things considering," she said, letting out a humorless laugh.
Rumplestiltskin walked to her cautiously. He knew she was still having troubles- and he understood. She had her good days and she had her bad days. But moreso than lately, she had been in her darkest hour.
He couldn't help himself. He could feel her pain as well as see it. He held out his arms for her, not sure of her reaction. Within moments, she was in his arms, holding back tears. She needed comfort right now- more than anything. She needed to know that she wasn't unwanted or unloved. That she wasn't a monster. She buried her head in his chest, hearing his heart beat strongly. See? This wasn't a monster. Though monster he may seem, he was human. The Dark One held her close, stroking her hair and humming a song to her.
A sudden crash of thunder startled Belle, jumping against the Dark One in shock. A sudden downpour of rain covered the lands.
Belle pored away from him slightly, her head turning up to the sky. A small, seemingly out of place smile crossed her lips.
The Dark One was taken aback slightly but the sight. For the first time in months, she was smiling. A true smile- not one to hide pain, not one to put on a mask- but a real smile.
She still held on to him, her face turned upwards. Slowly, he brought his hand to her face and cupped her cheek.
Belle turned her face to him, not losing her smile. He tenderly stroked her cheek, a small, questioning smile crossing his lips. Her eyes closed lightly as she slowly leaned in to him.
Rumplestiltskin wouldn't deny her this- comfort, knowing she was cared for...loved.
He held tight to that bitter ball of anger and rage- towards Regina for her games. Towards the King who had dismissed his brace, king, and caring daughter. To the priests who dressed in white to hide their dark souls. He felt the power from his spell in his veins, protecting his curse. He had several sleepless nights, nights spent of manipulating the magic- the curse he bore. He had finally found one- a tonic to maintain a curse while allowing the user to still experience his heart's desire. But with all magic, it came with a price. The bitter vengeance he held on to would weaken him by sunset.
She gently pressed her lips to his, feeling a deep crackle of power around her. She felt the magic and quickly backed away, cursing herself for being a lovelorn fool, for being so greedy.
Her mouth opened to apologize, but her Dark One silenced her as he kissed her again, his hands on her cheeks.
"Rumplestiltskin- wait," Belle said, breaking the kiss softly. "Your powers..."
"Magic has a way of being manipulated," he said softly, his eyes focused on her lips.
"But at what cost?" she asked sadly, a ghostly smile of pain crossing her face.
"I'll work out the deal later," he said, mirth in his voice. Belle smiled and laughed softly, wrapping her arms around his neck.
A crush of thunder shook the earth as their lips met again.
He held her to him gently, the outside of the castle melting away to his chambers. A warm fire was burning, casting the room in a warm light.
He tilted her head to the side, his lips tracing the pulse point in her throat- reaffirming to himself she was still here. That she was still alive- not just an illusion. The Dark One threaded his fingers through her hair, drying the strands as he did so. Belle's hands toyed with his collarbone, her nails gently grazing his skin.
"I do think it'd be best to get you out of these very wet clothes," he whispered to her. She laughed softly and nodded her head, placing her trust in the man standing before her- the one who had showed her that she wasn't a shadow anymore. She took a shaky breath as she felt his hands trail down her back, hesitating before he undid the laces to her down. She was through with hesitation and uncertainty. Belle rocked forward into him slightly, surprised at her brazen behavior. As his hands began to undo the laces, she locked her eyes on him, focusing on his small smile. She bit her lip as she felt the warm air of the room hit her back.
Rumplestiltskin was slow in his actions, prolonging the experience. Belle shuddered in nervous anticipation as she felt his hands move to her shoulders, pushing down the top part of the gown. She moaned softly as she felt his hands trace intricate designs down her arms. He smiled against her neck as he felt her shudder.
She was nude in front of him with a few flicks of his wrists. Belle blushed brightly, feeling awkward and slightly ashamed of her body. She wasn't as she once was- with beautiful unmarred skin, bright and rosy. She still felt the scars on her back and arms. Belle couldn't stop those traitorous tears from falling.
Rumplestiltskin wiped the tears from her eyes gently, whispering to her. She was beautiful. She was loved. She was safe. She wasn't broken.
A/N: Sorry to leave it at that cliffhanger, loves! Life's been incredibly unstable for me lately- my boyfriend and I broke up and I moved back in with my parents. It's been an incredibly stressful and dark time for me and it's hindered my creative process. But I hope you enjoy this chapter!