Chapter 3

He'd watched her date jerks, and nice guys, gotten involved with a few nice women and some not so nice ones himself, decided alone wasn't so bad with friends like Olivia and John. Even Cragen truly cared about his squad, and he was fairly even handed when it came to assignments. He and Liv danced around their attraction, somehow turning flirting and teasing and bickering into their normal routine. Munch commented more than once that the tension was thick enough to cut with a knife. But Fin had decided that he wasn't going to mess with her if all she wanted was friendship, and being told no firmly and politely wasn't worth the inevitable explosion from Stabler or losing the friendship he had with Olivia.

John kept telling him he was being an idiot, and as long as he disclosed it to Cragen chances were neither one of then would even be transferred. They were both professional and capable of keeping their relationship out of the squadroom if they ended up having one.

And then Sealview had happened. Fin had never been so terrified in his life as when he realized Harris had taken Olivia. He would have promised that inmate anything if it meant he got to Liv before she was brutalized. Fin had watched silently as Harris was led away in cuffs and prayed that the inmates would do the same to him as he'd tried to do to Olivia.

The memory played back in his mind, the desperation on her face, the sick satisfaction in every line of Harris' body, Olivia's fear, even months later as he looked at Munch, "Not sure I'm cut out for this man." He admitted quietly. "Don't know if I can keep watching the sick shit people do to each other. What that bastard almost..." He bit the words back. Olivia hadn't said anything about her assault and until she spoke he was keeping his mouth shut.

"I read the report," Munch was sometimes a little too wise and he knew all to well what had Fin so upset. "Why was Liv in the basement?"

Fin looked at him and shook his head, "You can guess man, but I can't talk about it until she does." He looked down and saw his hands were clenched into fists, "You know that if Stabler found out he'd go nuts. He'd practically hog tie her and surround her with bubble wrap."

"Yeah, El's a decent cop but he's... lousy with self righteousness," Munch sighed and sat back at his desk. "You're the only one who knows what happened...you're gonna have to be the one who gets her to talk."

"I'm just a reminder," Fin said glumly. "That's all I'm ever gonna be."

Olivia froze in the doorway, it felt like she couldn't move, Fin was keeping her secret, even if John had guessed Fin wasn't confirming it, because she wasn't ready to talk yet... She had to explain... God this wasn't going to be easy. "Hey," She forced herself to sound normal as she walked to her desk her eyes on the file she was carrying. "I heard we found a witness on the Naperson case?"

"Yeah, a street sleeper was in the wrong place at the right time," Munch nodded. "For the price of some hot soup and a voucher to the shelter he was willing to cooperate."

"Finally a break right?" Olivia looked at Fin who was carefully avoiding her gaze and then over at Munch. The older detective nodded at her and jerked his head at Fin meaningfully. She sighed, there was no easy way to do this, "Fin would you... would you mind giving me a ride home?"

The detective's head snapped up in her direction so quickly Olivia was surprised there wasn't a popping sound, "Yeah." His voice was deliberately neutral, "Yeah no problem Liv. Whenever you're ready just give the word."

"Let me get this to Cragen and I'm ready when you are," Liv forced herself to smile. This was Fin, this was about the only man she felt completely safe with these days. The man who'd kept Harris from raping her when she couldn't do it herself.

"I'll start shutting this down then," Fin nodded carefully. He was always carefully himself these days, as if he were holding something back, as if he didn't want to change his own behavior.

Five minutes later they were leaving and Olivia sat in the front seat of Fin's car and wondered what the hell to say. Finally she decided to just dive right in, "Thank you Fin." She said finally. "For...well for saving me first of all. And then for not saying anything."

"You saved yourself," Fin told her darkly. "If my stupid ass hadn't been waiting in line you wouldn't have even been put in that situation. I feel like ten different kinds of idiot. Shooting's too good for me."

"You were maintaining your cover," Olivia put her hand on his knee and felt the muscle in his leg immediately jump with tension. Pushing it out of her mind, as to what could make him so tense, she continued to speak, "You kept him from raping me Fin." She waited until they were at a stop light, "Odafin Tutuola, you saved me when I couldn't save myself anymore. He had me cornered, he had me pinned and he..." She felt and heard her voice break and scowled miserably.

"Liv, I won't say anything but you've got to talk to someone," Fin's voice was gentle, filled with all the affection he was so careful to hide when he was on the job. "I know the signs of PTSD, and this is going to get worse if you don't get help."

"Yeah I know," Olivia didn't like admitting that. But she'd had to be talked down from something drastic only a day ago and if that didn't scream out traumatized victim she didn't know what did. "I talked with Huang about it. He referred me to a therapist."

"Liv, if you ever...just want to scream, rant, yell or whatever, you know you can come to me right?" Fin was carefully not looking at her as if he didn't want her to be uncomfortable, "I know I'm not much help right now..."

"Fin you're..." Olivia shook her head. "You're a huge help to me. You're the one man I trust without reservation. I can't stand to have my partner touch me right now but I'm perfectly fine with you. And you know I adore John and the Captain but my skin crawls whenever they're near me these days."

"Damn," Fin pulled up to her building and put the car into park, "I didn't know it had gotten that bad." He turned in his seat and looked at her, "How are you doing with living alone?"

"My water bill has gone up I scrub myself so much," Liv sighed. "I just... part of me was hoping to eventually...be a mother. Somehow manage to be in a relationship that would lead to children...and now..." She shook her head, "It just seems like that gets further and further away." She could feel the tears leaking out of her eyes and angrily dashed then away. "Anyhow I just-"

Fin's hands were gentle, unbuckling her seat belt and gripping her arms, tugging her close so he could wrap her in one of the hugs she was increasingly living for, "Oh Babygirl, I promise, it'll happen. Might take some time, but it'll happen. You've got 'em linin' up Liv. Beautiful woman like you."

"That's not entirely accurate Fin," Olivia couldn't help the tears anymore. "It just feels like one more thing that bastard took you know?" She shuddered, "You hardly look at me anymore, like...you think I'm a bomb waiting to go off. And that's disturbingly accurate, I'm a mess these days."

"Olivia you're not a mess," Fin's voice was rich and low, sounded so good murmuring in her ear, his breath on her skin hands rubbing her back. "You're my friend. Not a timebomb, my friend who's suffered through something awful and still managed to strike a blow for Harris' other victims."

"That's why I don't want anyone in the squad to know," Olivia confessed. "They'll treat me...like a victim and I won't be Fin. I won't be a victim. I won't let him take away who I am."

"So you'll go to therapy and you can vent to me and I'll bring you chocolate mousse when you need something good to eat," He told her gently. "Just... don't give up all right? Promise me Babygirl."

"I never give up," Liv sighed. "But you've got to stop thinking that I look at you and all I see is a reminder of Harris." She pulled back slightly so she could look up at him, "I look at you and I see the man who saved me. The man who is helping me get my shit together so I don't lose everything I value in my life, including you."

"All right," Fin pressed his lips to her forehead and she closed her eyes to savor the sensation of his lips on her skin. After Harris she would have laid even money that sexual arousal wouldn't be in her near future. Leave it to Fin to prove her wrong and not even know it. Poor man would be appalled if he knew what was going through my mind, she thought with sad humor.

"Like to come up for dinner," She offered instead of kissing him. Don't scare him off, he's your best friend, better than Elliot a lot of days. "I've got stuff to make beef teriyaki," She tempted him.

"Are you trying to make me feel better?" Fin looked down at her, that old evaluating expression his face, the one that always let her know he'd see through her bullshit.

"I just want your company for a while longer," Liv confessed. "I miss being around you. And I miss pretending to be outraged when you leer at me and try to shock John."

"I'd like to come up for dinner then," Finn nodded.

Author's Note: So how am I doing? Curious and anxious as a bag of cats here. This is also going on for longer than I thought it would… we're going to get more conversations and eventually we'll have Munch's point of view as well, for a chapter or maybe two. This is primarily Liv and Fin's story though.

I appreciate the folks following the story. It means a lot. I'd love to hear what you like about it or what you think I can improve.