A/N: Yes, I do realize it has been well over a year since I've written ANYTHING. I do apologize. I have been doing all of my writing in my head and none of it on the computer. I know this chapter is short, but hopefully it won't be another year before I write again.

A/N 2: There are possibly some VERY triggering eating disorder bits in this chapter. I will use pounds before and after what I think is the worst of it but I am warning you in advance. Like most of this story, I feel that it is pretty much all triggering to some degree.

It was finally Friday. Lisa Cuddy was standing in front of her dresser picking through the drawer of exercise clothes looking for something half decent to wear tonight. Rachel was on her bed telling her all about her day. She finally decided on a sea green tank top and a pair of Capri length black yoga pants with a light blue waist band. After changing, she looked herself over in the full length mirror and grimaced. According to her scale she had lost weight, over fifteen pounds since January, but her reflection told her differently, so she changed her pants. She changed her pants again. After she changed her pants for the third time she knew that the problem was not with her wardrobe but with herself. Obviously, at 111 pounds, she wasn't thin enough yet. Feeling a bit defeated, she put on the original choice as the doorbell rang.

Rachel darted out of the bedroom and let Tracie in through the front door. Lisa greeted her and gave her the usual run down about Rachel's routine.

"Oh, I just wanted to remind you that I will be home later than usual tonight. I'm going to have coffee with my friend Emily after class for a bit, but I shouldn't be back too late," she said as she was moving towards the door.

"No problem, Dr. C. We'll be fine here. You go have fun!" Tracie was already sitting down on the floor with Rachel who was getting out all of the pieces for a game of Chutes and Ladders.

After kissing Rachel again, Lisa left to go to the studio.

When she reached her destination, she saw Emily standing outside in the same spot as two days earlier, again with a cigarette in her hand. "Hey," she greeted as she approached.

"Hey," Emily responded with a smile. It was the same kind of smile that made Lisa's chest tighten. The two stood there in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before they went in for class. Throughout the entire class Lisa was nervous and excited, but it felt like the hour was taking a century to pass.

Finally, they sat across from each other at a corner table in the Queen Bean sipping on their coffees. "So tell me," Lisa starts. "How does someone go from dancing professionally to making coffee?"

The silence that had previously settled between the two was suddenly rife with tension. Emily tilted her head to the side, thinking. She was going to make a joke but surprised herself last minute by deciding to give the honest answer. "I passed out on stage. It was during a dress rehearsal. I was part of the corps de ballet, but in this ballet I had finally gotten an actual role. All I remember is waking up on the ground. I insisted I was fine, that I had simply pushed myself a little further than I should have, but the company made me go to the hospital to get checked out just to make sure. They ran a drug screen and I tested positive for cocaine. It was an automatic dismissal; I was done." She took a slow sip of coffee while gathering her thoughts. "I spent some time in rehab, and then moved here to start fresh."

Lisa tried to imagine losing your entire livelihood just like that, but couldn't. "Do you miss it?" she asked.

After a moment, Emily answered. "I will find a new place."

Lisa reached a hand across the table. "If you ever want someone to talk to, about anything, call me any time."

"Thanks, Lise, that really means a lot to me. Same to you. I'm never doing anything of much importance, so you don't have to worry about bothering me." That last sentence earned her an amused expression.

The two continued, the conversation returning to lighter topics until it was time to part ways. They continued to meet for coffee and conversation after nearly every class, both enjoying the feeling of having a close friend, but also feeling something else as well.

Tracie had gotten sick. It was easy to blame it all on someone else, or in this case, someone else as well as something that was not someone's fault at all. The babysitter had come over to the house looking like she would fall over. Naturally, Lisa had sent her back home to get some rest, adding that she needed to drink fluids and if she didn't feel better in a day or two she was to stop by the clinic to get checked. She could blame it all on Tracie. She could blame it all on the flu. She could almost, almost, even blame it on Rachel.

Her daughter had made the evening unbelievably trying for her after she had sent Tracie home. Rachel had been looking forward to spending time with the young woman and was upset that she wasn't getting the chance today. Upset to the tune of a five year old's temper tantrum. After what felt like hours the screaming finally stopped and Rachel was now in bed. Whether or not she was sleeping Lisa didn't really care at this point, as long as she was quiet.

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She knew exactly what she was doing every step of the way, and she didn't try to stop. It was almost a spiritual experience. Her anger was dumped into the pot of boiling water along with the macaroni. Her frustration was stirred into a cheese sauce. Her sadness was slathered onto bread along with a dose of garlic. Her guilt was spread onto cookies. Her fear bubbled in a large glass of soda. It would all be fine soon. Everything would be back under control soon, as long as she only took thirty-five minutes. When she looked hard enough she could even see all of those horrible emotions layed out so carefully in front of her. Checking the time, she started. One by one every feeling that plagued her began to disappear from her sight, but they were all still there. Then, finally, it all was fine. Everything had been expelled. The anger, frustration, sadness, guilt, fear, and finally, the food she had eaten. It was fine.

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But something wasn't right. Something wasn't fine. The moment the noise in her head cleared she heard the unmistakable sounds of Rachel talking to someone, and the brief moment of "fine" was gone. Mustering all of the confidence she could on shaky legs she did her best to storm out of the bathroom with dignity. She saw her daughter sitting cross legged on her bed talking on her cell phone.

"Rachel! Put down my phone and go to your room! I already told you to go to bed. I will not tolerate this!" The only thing that prevented her from continuing on her tirade was the realization that Rachel was actually talking to somebody on her phone. She grabbed the phone out of the little girl's hand and without even bothering to look who was on the other end of the line, she ended the call. She picked Rachel up and carried her back to her own bedroom before dropping her onto the bed. "I don't care if you end up wetting your bed tonight, you are not to leave this room again. Do you understand me?" Her daughter only looked up at her with her eyes wide, tears threatening to fall.

That is when it hit Lisa. She was scaring her daughter. That scared her. She was hurting her daughter. She wanted to make things right. Her expression softened. "I'm sorry," she said, reacing a hand out to Rachel. Her daughter scooted to the other side of the bed and buried herself into the blankets and pillows. With heavy tears and a heavy heart Lisa left Rachel's room and walked back to her own.

This wasn't fine.

She picked up the discarded cell phone off of the bed and looked at the call log. Rachel had been talking to Emily. The two had never met. She decided that she owed her friend an explanation, or at the very least, a return call. She had missed yoga class and their coffee "date" so she called her back.

"Lisa," came the response after just one ring.

"Hi, Emily. I'm so sorry about earlier. I..." she really didn't know how she was going to finish that sentence. This was not well thought out at all.

"Are you ok? You weren't at class earlier so I thought I'd call and a kid answered, and at first I thought I had the wrong number... I asked for you and she said you were "Mommy". I didn't know you had a daughter. But she said you couldn't talk because you were in the bathroom throwing up. I won't tie you up if you're sick, we can talk some other time."

The only response Lisa could provide at first was dead silence. She had been caught. "I- no, I'm fine. She was obviously mistaken by what she heard." The words sounded fake and she knew that Emily could hear it too.

"Are you sure? You don't sound fine".

"No, I mean yes. I mean, I don't know what I mean." She was so confused that she couldn't even find the words to say.

"I know it's not polite to invite yourself to someone else's house, but I'm really concerned right now. Will you let me come over? Just for a few minutes at least?"

Before she knew it, she had given Emily her address. In the time it took for her friend to arrive she had managed to get herself moving enough to take some ibuprofen for her pounding headache, change into something that didn't make her feel like she had just vomited, and drip some eyedrops into her eyes to try to get rid of the bloodshot look caused by the purging but only exacerbated by her crying.

A gentle knock on the door alerted her to Emily's arrival. She opened the door and the two stood there awkwardly for a few moments before Lisa invited her in. Now they stood awkwardly in the middle of the living room.

"Uh, can I... can I get you something to drink?" Lisa offered.

"Sure..." Now that she was here Emily had absolutely no idea what to do.

"Tea?" Emily nodded. Lisa started towards the kitchen with Emily following only to remember, too late, that with Rachel's distraction she had not yet cleared the dishes or the pots from her binge. "Sorry about the mess," she said sheepishly, again finding herself at a loss for a reasonable explanation.

As the water heated the Emily helped clear the dishes from the table and put the pots in the sink to soak. During this time she kept looking at Lisa, seeing things she didn't want to see but knowing they were there all the same. She watched her hands work, the hands she dreamed would explore every part of her body, and saw the small cuts and bruises. When she saw the lips that she longed to kiss she saw them dry and cracked. She watched Lisa rub up and down her chest a few times on three occasions brushing it off as simple acid reflux, "Comes with getting older," she said. She wasn't sure still, but it seemed to add up. It made Emily want to cry, knowing that her friend was living in such a tortured world, one which she, herself, had too much experience with already.

They drank their tea in silence, both lost in their thoughts.

"Thank you for coming over," Lisa started. "I'm really ok, you don't need to waste your night."

"A night with you is never wasted," Emily responded.

They walked to the door. There was again a moment of awkwardness as they said their goodbyes.

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With Emily having gone home Lisa was again left to her own thoughts. Later as she lay in bed she could feel the burn of acid travelling up her esophagus and briefly wondered if all of this was worth it. Of course it was. She was going to binge anyway, she was already far too fat, and throwing up was the only way to make up for her lack of self control. Drifting off into sleep her fingers brushed her slightly more pronounced hipbones. It was definitely worth it.

Please Review if you'd be so kind. I don't mind flames but I do like to hear your thoughts on the story. I have every intention of continuing on no matter what and I know where this will go, so if you have a problem with it, it won't stop me, just stop reading... This is more for me than anything else. Thank you :)