A/N: Sorry so much for yet another prolonged absence. I wish I had an excuse other than "it was stuck in my head and wouldn't come out" but that's just about all there is to it. Same goes for my other story. Much thanks to MoniBolis for giving me a kick in the butt on this one.
Disclaimer: The song used is "Dog days Are Over" by Florence + The Machine. I do not own that song, nor any characters other than Emily.
Disclaimer 2: I wanted to mention that I have used numbers in this in the past, and I will again from time to time. This is not some sort of thing to try to take apart. I do know that the numbers, when presented, may seem extreme, but it is for impact. Note that these numbers are actually possible and do pose extreme risk, however I have knowledge of what I am talking about. Saying this, I know it adds even more possible triggers, but it is more for impact than anything else. I feel that the story needs it in a way to fully make the impact that I am going for as we progress (slowly...).
After yoga and coffee the two walked down the sidewalk through campus towards the park together in the unusually chilly late September evening as they had taken a liking to doing. Lisa was too proud to admit that the fall coat she had worn comfortably all day was just not enough to keep her warm now that the sun's rays had stopped heating the air around her. Emily noticed her shiver and reached an arm around her shoulders and held her close. She then fished a pair of mittens out of her pocket and handed the left one to Lisa. "Here, put this on. Give me your other hand." She removed her hand from around Lisa's shoulders and took the woman's right hand and slipped it into her coat pocket seeing as Lisa didn't have any pockets of her own. She then placed her other mitten on her own right hand.
"What about your left hand?" Lisa asked.
Emily laughed that laugh that Lisa loved so much. "We can pass the left mitten back and forth if you'd feel better that way." She smiled down at the other woman. "Either that or I can keep my hand warm like this," she said as she moved her chilled hand to the back of Lisa's warm neck.
Lisa let out a yelp and leapt back a step before they both started to giggle. When she came closer again Emily moved her arm back around Lisa's shoulders and then Lisa rested her head on Emily's shoulder comfortably. They walked together in silence for a few minutes before Lisa started to talk. "I know your secret," she said shyly.
"Oh, damn. And here I was thinking I kept those extra toes well under wraps." Her first instinct was always to deflect when it came to difficult topics, but she figured that if she had been able to figure out Lisa's secret, then surely the other woman must have gotten some of hers figured out by now. She didn't have much to hide considering she was pretty open about her life with Lisa including her former drug use which was her biggest turn off to most. Still, she was nervous.
"Well, I originally wasn't going to say anything about the extra digits but…" The two shared a somewhat nervous laughter for a moment. "But seriously, I know your secret."
Emily decided to play along. "Oh really?"
"Yessss," Lisa said.
"And what secret would that be?" Emily asked.
Lisa stopped walking and Emily stopped next to her. Lisa rose up on her toes and leaned into her ear and whispered quietly. "You like me."
Emily laughed loudly. She was extremely relieved at the direction this conversation was going in relation to where she thought it might go initially. Lisa stood there dumbstruck at the other woman's reaction. "Oh, honey," Emily started. "You're adorable. That is absolutely no secret." Lisa felt her heart warm at how easy it was for Emily to admit the feelings she had for her while she, herself, could barely let the feelings she felt for the other woman into her consciousness. She knew how she felt, she had felt it before, but she hadn't let herself feel this for so many years. She had looked for it, but hadn't found it. She also knew that she had been feeling it since the day they had met, only she hadn't realized what it was until later. The two resumed walking down the path through the park that they had arrived at. After a few minutes Emily echoed Lisa.
"I know your secret."
Lisa simply looked up at her.
Emily leaned in towards Lisa's ear and whispered in much the same way the other woman had just a few minutes before. "You like me too."
As soon as those words left Emily's lips the pair stopped walking and Lisa turned to face her. Their faces were mere inches apart. She could see the light from the lantern above reflecting in both Emily's light hair and in her eyes where it mixed with something else. Emily could see the same reflected in Lisa's eyes. She gently leaned down and brushed her lips against Lisa's tentatively, who welcomed the contact and began to kiss back shyly at first. As the kiss began to deepen slightly Lisa had a sudden thought. You are a Dean at this university and you are in the middle of the park on campus kissing another woman. This is absolutely not go- Emily moved her chilled hand again to the back of Lisa's neck, only this time she didn't mind it. Her train of thought suddenly switched tracks. This is absolutely not gonna be a problem, her mind finished, completely changing the finale of that last thought mid-word.
When the two finally separated, Lisa lifted her face to look into Emily's taller eyes. Emily, in turn, lowered her face down and rested her forehead against the other woman's. "Funny thing. I'm actually not feeling as cold anymore," Lisa stated.
Emily grinned. "You sure? You're not just the least bit chilly still?"
Lisa blushed. "Well, now that you mention it…" Lisa said with just a hint of seduction.
Emily leaned further down and again captured Lisa's lips. Her left hand moved up slightly and her fingers tangled themselves in Lisa's hair while her right hand which had been on her hip snaked around to the small of her back to pull her in closer. The two stood there in the warmth of each other's embrace for a length of time neither of them could identify after the kiss had ended, simply staring into each other's eyes.
Suddenly Lisa heard her blackberry start to beep and abruptly untangled herself from Emily. "Sorry," she apologized. "Cuddy," she practically barked into the object. Her espression softened when she heard Tracie's voice on the other end. "Oh, Tracie, I'm so sorry. What time is it?" She looked at her own watch without listening for an answer. "Yes, I know you have an early class tomorrow. I'm very sorry. We were walking in the park and I must have lost track of time. I will be home shortly." She ended the call and looked back into Emily's eyes. "I guess I lost track of time," she repeated. "If you want, you could, um, come over for a bit and we could relax? Rachel's asleep… Not that I feel like I have to hide this, you, us, whatever, from her or anything," she clarified while blushing profusely in the lamplight.
Emily smiled warmly. "I would really like that, Lisa, but I would really love to just bask in the glow of tonight for a day or two before I create new memories with you." She knew all too well how things tended to turn out when two people made a huge leap in a relationship in a matter of hours. To go from being "really good friends," to kissing, to possibly more in the span of a few hours almost always leads to trouble or a simple one night stand, neither of which she wanted to happen. Not to mention the fact that this was the first time Lisa had ever acknowledged her romantic feelings towards another woman. Whether or not she had ever had them in the past is another matter entirely, but not exactly relevant at the moment. She wanted to give her time to process the steps she had just taken before allowing her to go further. If and when things progressed further, Emily wanted her to be ready. She also knew how bad she, herself, was with intimacy. She wanted nothing more than to let Lisa in, in every way possible, but she knew she needed to take baby steps or she would shut down emotionally.
She saw the slight look of rejection play across Lisa's features before she got them back under control. "Hey, don't think like that. It's not that. I just want to take things slow for both of our sakes. My last relationship ended three years ago and I had been with her for six years. I'm a little out of practice when it comes to this. I'm just not ready to go fast. I'm sure you will agree that in the long run it's better to go slow and grow than crash and burn, yes?"
Lisa had to agree with that. "Yeah." Lisa stood up on her toes and placed a small kiss on Emily's lips. "I really do have to get home though."
Emily ran her hand through Lisa's hair once more. "I know. I'll walk you back to your car at the hospital."
Lisa smiled up at her. "That sounds good. I... I've never felt that before," she added after a moment. She noticed Emily's quizzical gaze and felt the need to elaborate. "I don't know what it was. I just... I felt." The two walked back to the hospital parking lot in silence. When they reached her car the two shared a last goodnight kiss. "So I'll see you Friday?"
Emily blinked slowly and nodded. "You can count on it," she said before walking to the visitor parking and standing by her car. She watched to make sure Lisa got into her car and out of the lot safely before driving the short distance to her own apartment.
Lisa quickly drove the short distance (in the other direction) to her own home and entered the front foyer of her house just as quickly and quietly. She walked into the living room and saw Tracie lounging on the couch studying an advanced calculus text. "Hey, Dr. C," Tracie called out quietly. She looked at Lisa who was couldn't stop smiling a very ridiculous looking smile. "You out with Emily again?"
"Yeah," Lisa answered a little dreamily.
Tracie grinned. "Y'know, I never really saw the appeal in the ladies, but you know, to each her own, right?"
Lisa sat down on the couch next to Tracie who was packing her schoolwork into her bag. "I'm not a lesbian you know," she said to her quietly.
"Hey, I never said you were. You know, bisexual and all that, that's cool too. I guess most girls gotta have a man around sometime, right?"
"Tracie," Lisa admonished as she tilted her head in the direction of Rachel's room.
Tracie chuckled. "Don't worry about her. She's sleeping. Y'know, by the time she's my age she's gonna be grateful that you were getting some while she was growin' up." Lisa turned a dark shade of crimson and fished around in her wallet for some cash. She handed Tracie an extra twenty dollars for staying late. The young woman looked at the money in surprise. "Wow, woman. That Emily must really be good at what she does! I might just have to meet her someday; but don't worry, she's all yours," she finished with a smile and a wink as they walked to the door. "'Night Dr. C," Tracie said as she walked out.
"Goodnight Tracie. Sorry again about the late night. If you oversleep and need a doctor's note or, I don't know, a note from a Dean or something, you know where to come," she joked before closing the door.
Later, Lisa lay in bed thinking. For the first night in oh so very long she felt completely at peace. She felt confident. She felt loved. And all be damned, she actually felt beautiful, even if she was still a few pounds more than what she wanted to weigh. She smiled as she snuggled into the blankets. She felt like she could finally get her life back under her own control, back on track to where she was headed to before. She hoped she could help Emily feel the same way she felt right now. It didn't occur to her that part of Emily's problem was that she didn't actually know any other way to live. She hadn't had the benefit she had of having twenty plus years of living free of the shackles of her sometimes difficult life that bound her. In the back of her mind she wondered if two people who shared some of the same problems with their health and also intimacy could possibly be in a healthy relationship in the long run. She found that she didn't know, but she was hell-bent on making sure it could happen for them if she had anything to do with it.
Happiness hit her, like a train on the track,
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back,
Love had hit Lisa Cuddy and now that she had it, she wasn't going back.
She hid around the corners, and she hid under beds,
She killed it with kisses, and from it she fled,
With every bubble, she sank with a drink,
And washed it away down the kitchen sink.
She would use her feelings for Emily to help her deal with her internal demons. It would work, it had to work.
The dog days are over, the dog days are done,
The horses are coming so you better run,
Run fast for your mother and fast for your father,
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers,
Leave all your love and your loathing behind,
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive.
No more self hatred. No more self destruction. You can't carry it with you if you want to survive.
The dog days are over, the dog days are done,
Can you hear the horses, 'cause here they come.
Emily found herself needing to dance. It had been so long since she had actually just danced. She pushed all of the furniture in her living room up against the far wall to clear a nice sized spot in the center of the room. She then opened the door to the outdoor patio despite the chilly outdoor temperatures. She turned her computer on and selected one of her favourite songs to dance to. This had been the last song she had ever performed a modern style dance piece to. She had fully devoted herself to ballet many years before, but she just couldn't shake the bug that made her want to also study so many other types of dance including modern, tap, jazz, theatre dance, swing, and so much more, so she compromised on studying them on the side at the Rock school, the school of the Pennsylvania Ballet, as a student. Being a dancer in the company she was able to take classes at the school for free. The only thing was she had to make sure was that she had enough energy to keep up with the ballet classes and rehearsals which were mandatory as part of being in the corps. She hit play and began to dance full out with no type of warm up or preparation right there in her apartment.
And I never wanted anything from you,
Except everything you had,
And what was left after that,
Too, oh,
Happiness,
It hurt,
Like a bullet, in the back,
Struck from a… great height,
By someone who should know better,
Than that.
The dog days are over, the dog days are done,
Can you hear the horses, 'cause here they come.
The pace of the dancing became more intense and the steps became more involved as the song progressed.
Run fast for your mother and fast for your father,
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers,
Leave all your love and longing behind,
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive.
Jumps, leaps, turns. The only thing restricting her movements was the size of the room. Glissade assemble. Entrechat huit. Grande jete. Tour jete. Calypso. Fuette turns. One thing after another. She simply got lost in the music.
The dog days are over, the dog days are done,
Can you hear the horses, 'cause here they come.
The dog days are over, the dog days are done,
The horses are coming so you better run.
During the two lines of the song Emily found herself down on her knees outside on the patio reaching up towards the starlit sky, her face towards the heavens above. Thinking only of Lisa she sang the last two lines of the song with the music emanating from her computer, not caring what her neighbours might think.
The dog days are over, the dog days are done,
Can you hear the horses, 'cause here they come.
A tear slid down the side of her face, but it was a tear of happiness, not sorrow. She felt like she was finally being given a second chance to try to have what she had once so easily thrown away in a drug induced fit of rage. She knew right then that she would do anything in her power to make Lisa happy and she would also do anything she could to make this work if that was something Lisa wanted. She knew she did. This was the first time in years that she felt like she could do anything. It was the same feeling she used to get when she danced on stage in front of a packed theatre. It was the high she craved ever moment of every day. The high she had thought she had found in drugs. The difference this time was that it came from salvation, not destruction.
A/N: Like I've said many times, I write this mostly for me. That is probably why it rarely gets put out here for you... sorry. Having said that, I love to hear what you have to say, good or bad. I will do my best to get more out, and hopefully maybe even a piece of IHYD!