Hello! TERRIBLY sorry about the wait! I completely lost all of this chapter and had to write it all again from scratch. Otherwise it would have been updated about a week ago. My bad. It was more painful for me than you, I promise. Good news is the next (and also last) chapter is all written and ready to be published, so it shouldn't be a very long wait!
Just wanted to say a MASSIVE thank you to everyone that has been reading this story. All the people who have favourited, followed, reviewed etc. Please keep it coming for the last two chapters!
I arrive just before one in the afternoon, a few minutes before Quinn's lunch break begins, and stroll through the park by myself for a little while. I stare down at the ground as I trudge through the snow, watching my big snow boot crush through the crisp white surface. I bet the snow in New York will have been trampled by a million feet by now, the pavements will be wet and muddy, whilst any remaining snow will have turned to a slushy mulch, or frozen into a slippery film of ice. The thought of leaving the thick blanket of fresh snow depresses me slightly, but I know it's for the best.
I'm hardly thrilled at the prospect of going back to the city, but I can't say I'm thrilled at the idea of staying here, either, after hearing everything that Blaine's been subjected to recently. Speaking of which, I'm pretty torn up about that. I'm kind of disappointed that Blaine never told me, but mostly I'm disappointed that I didn't stop talking about Quinn enough to ask him how things really were, Canadianskiers aside. I wonder if he purposefully didn't tell me. That thought makes my heart sting. Maybe he didn't want me to know, for some reason. I suppose in the old days I'd have mouthed off and got aggressive about the whole thing; nowadays I know it's useless. Ignorance is ignorance, and small-minded bigots will always be small-minded bigots.
And that's exactly why I have to go back to the city. I can't subject myself to that again. I've lived through the bullying and abuse once already, and I worked hard enough to get out. I'd be stupid to just give that up and drop myself back into a world where I'm a sinner to everyone around me, a disgusting creature to either be feared or shunned. Or worse. In the city it's different; I can be myself, I'm accepted for who I am, and I don't have to hide it or be ashamed. I need that. I deserve that. And so does Blaine, and Kurt, and…well, and Quinn.
The city certainly does not have…Quinn. But it's only been a couple of weeks. I can't give my life up for that. I mean, sure…she's gorgeous. And smart and funny, not to mention bubbly yet dry and witty. She's pretty awesome, really. I mean, people say nobody's perfect, but they might be wrong. People thought the earth was flat. I think Quinn's perfect. She'd be an amazing girlfriend, and I do want that, but I can't give up my freedom and my equality for it. It's only been two weeks…we barely know each other. I'm sure we could both move on, and find other people. Quinn deserves somebody awesome, who will recognise all those qualities and love her for it. But maybe that person just can't be me. Sometimes life isn't fair.
I wonder what she wants to talk about. Personal turmoil aside, I am curious as to what's going on. I hope she's okay. Especially if I also have to tell her that I'm leaving in two days. I mean, not that I think I have a huge impact on her life or anything. I mean, we're practically strangers. It's probably nothing. But what if it is something?
I sigh heavily as I reach the bench where I'm supposed to meet the blonde, turning to drop down onto the sigh with a thud. I spring to my feet again immediately as a freezing cold begins to spread through the denim, along with a large wet patch.
"Oh, Jesus!" I turn to look at my behind, rubbing at it with a grimace as the dampness spreads.
"I just can't take you anywhere." A wry voice in front of me announces, and I spin round, coming face to face with Quinn.
"Apparently." I reply with a pout. She rolls her eyes with a little head shake, and I frown petulantly, "I just sat down but the bench was wet."
"Easy mistake to make." She shrugs with a sympathetic smile, before a wicked grin spreads across her face, "Want me to dry it with my mitten?" She holds one hand up cheekily and I blush, chuckling as I avert my eyes. I stop rubbing at my jeans and we pause, staring at one another for a second until Quinn leans forwards, pulling me into a tight hug. I wrap my arms around her neck, holding her tightly as I bury my face in her neck with a small sigh. I swallow thickly, attempting to compose myself as she pulls back, her face inches from mine. I bite my lip to disguise a smile, before closing the gap between us, my cold lips meeting her warm ones briefly. She takes my hand in hers and turns to walk beside me with a coy smile.
"So," I announce, a little flustered, and take a breath, "Where do you want to eat?"
"Umm…I don't know." She shrugs guiltily and I smile, "Usually I just bring a sandwich. I would have made you some as well, but I wasn't sure what you liked so I thought it was probably best not to bother. Maybe I should have. I'm sorry."
A blush spreads quickly across her cheeks and I can't help grinning, "It's okay. Let's see, what are our options?" We stop walking as we reach the crossroads in the centre of the park, and I gaze around to the main street beyond the fenced wall, "Um, there's Starbucks – but it's always over-priced – or that vegan restaurant, or a food truck in that corner of the park, or…a polish supermarket." I grimace, my lip curling as I turn back to Quinn with wonder, "Wow, this town sucks."
"Why do you think I bring sandwiches?" She asks, one eyebrow cocked as she takes a deep breath, "I vote food truck. We could have a burger made from suspicious meat, maybe with a side of incredibly greasy pizza?"
"Sounds perfect, I love eating food that could clog every one of my arteries in under an hour." I grin excitedly and she giggles, tugging at my arm to walk in the direction of the food truck.
As we trudge through the snow, she tells me all about the ridiculous customers she's served that day, going on to describe the weirdest orders they've ever made and the most difficult customers. I laugh along as she talks, happy to lose myself in her world of chocolate and customer service. I like listening to her voice, and I can allow myself to not think about all the problems for a while. We reach the food truck a few minutes later and stop to frown up at the menu board behind the counter.
"What do you fancy?" I raise my eyebrows and Quinn twists her mouth thoughtfully.
"I think I'm going to have a hot dog that's probably made from a small Lhasa Apso." She grins manically and I giggle,
"Good choice. I'm getting a burrito that will probably cause my imminent early death." I nod decisively and step forward to order, taking our food-filled cardboard cartons a few minutes later and handing one to the blonde, who smothers her food in various sauces before licking her fingers happily and stepping forwards to wander beside me as we circulate the park. We chat about random inane things until I finally take a deep breath and summon the courage to ask the question playing on my mind.
"So, um…what was it you wanted to take about?" I glance across at the blonde, but she doesn't avert her eyes from the hot dog.
"Oh, uh…it's not important." She shakes her head dismissively and I frown suspiciously.
"Really?" I ask in a long drawn-out voice, "Are you sure?" I give her a sweet grin, and for a moment she pauses and opens her mouth, but she immediately shuts it again and shakes her head.
"No, it's cool. Really, I'm fine." She gives me a small smile and I nod slowly.
"Okay." I frown slightly with concern, but shrug, "Okay! Well, if you do ever want to talk about it, you know I'll always lis-"
"Will you be my girlfriend?" She blurts out suddenly, and my heart sinks.
Didn't see that coming.
My stomach churns suddenly and my jaw drops open. My vision blurs for a moment as I process her question, and I look to the floor in an attempt to disguise my shock and panic. I refuse to raise my head and meet her eyes, but I can feel her gaze boring into me. I'm taking quick, shallow breaths, and my mouth is dry. I stare down at the half-eaten burrito in my hand, and my stomach churns again. I can't tell if that's emotion or the burrito. I don't know which I'd prefer; I may vomit either way.
"I mean, I know it's kind of soon," Quinn continues chattering, and I can hear the worry in her voice though I can barely hear what she's saying, "But I really like hanging out with you, and…I mean, I get the impression you like hanging out with me, too. And I know it's pretty sudden, maybe, but I think we could be good together…"
I tune out as she continues talking, completely lost in my own thoughts. I kind of figured I had more time to think about this before I asked her or didn't ask her. I didn't think she'd ask me. Now I'm fucked. I wanted to be able to ask Blaine his opinion; I wanted to see how things went a little more first; I wanted more time to think about this. I'm still frozen in place, staring down at my burrito with my mouth hanging open.
"…and I don't know, if you maybe wanted to see how it goes first then that's cool, of course, but I just really like you and I wanted you to know that I think about you all the time and you know…I'd like it if you were my girlfriend?" She says this with an upward inflection, and I raise my head to gaze at her hopeful eyes, attempting to ignore my rapid heartbeat.
"Um…no." I shake my head slightly and look back at the ground, completely stunned by this turn of events. Her jaw drops open slightly, one eyebrow raising in shock, and she turns her head to look away from me, gazing around the park as I stay transfixed on the floor.
"Oh. Well, okay then." She replies, nodding slowly.
I want to reply. I want to tell her how messed up everything is, and explain that I can't stay here. I want to stop her from turning away, take her hand and make her not look like that. I want to swallow this huge lump in my throat so I can open my mouth and scream after her, and tell her to stop walking off, because it's not what she thinks. I want my legs to move so I can run after her and explain that I want to be her girlfriend, and I really want her to be my girlfriend. I want to not be such a coward.
I stare at the back of her bowed head as she walks away, my mouth firmly shut. Glancing down at my cold burrito, I lift my arm and hurl it across the wide path, throwing it with gusto so it slams into the trash can opposite me. I drop my head into my gloved hands, groaning quietly as a freezing cold breeze whips around my ankles. I raise my head to see the blonde finally turning the corner at the large gates to the park, growing further away as she reaches the main road beyond.
I take a deep breath, allowing the cold air to fill up my lungs, before closing my eyes tight against the harsh daylight.
"TITS." I scream at the top of my lungs, before exhaling loudly and turning to leave through the opposite exit.
What a fucking mess.
-oOo-
I close the front door quietly behind me, levering my boots off my cold feet and depositing them by the front door. I remove my coat, scarf and gloves quickly and hang them all up before padding down the hallway.
Livvy is sat on the couch opposite the door as I pass, watching the two kids playing on the floor in front of her. She cranes her neck to watch me pass the door, a heavy frown on her face.
"San?" She calls, "Are you okay?"
"Fine." I reply in a dull voice, and I hear her clamber off the sofa as I turn to ascend the stairs.
"What happened with Quinn?" She asks after me, and I sigh.
"Nothing. I don't want to talk."
She frowns as mami appears at the kitchen doorway, "Hey, is everything alright?" She asks with a concerned frown. So much for not making a scene.
"Yeah, sure, mami." Livvy grins and my mother raises an eyebrow. I don't stop dragging my feet up the stairs, and soon reach the top with a sigh of relief as my mami nods her head for Liv to follow me.
I hear Liv's feet on the stairs as I pad down the hallway, entering my bedroom and closing the door quietly behind me. I sit in the centre of my double bed before dropping back with a sigh and a large thud. I spread my arms and legs wide, staring up at the ceiling as Livvy pushing my door open slowly. I sigh heavily, refusing to move, as she slips in through the door and closes it quietly behind her.
"Hey." She says sympathetically and I sigh again. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"I said no."
She nods slowly, crossing to perch on the end of my bed, "But do you mean really no? Or like, you-say-no-but-actually-you-want-to-tell-me-about- it no?"
I take a deep breath, silently cursing my older sister, "Fine." I relent, "Lie down."
She nods triumphantly before shifting round to lay beside me, and I instantly shuffle over to rest my heavy head on her shoulder as we stare up at the ceiling.
"So what happened?" She asks quietly, and I take a deep breath.
"She asked me to be her girlfriend." I reply sadly, "I just said no. And she walked away."
"I see." I can feel Livvy frowning beside me, and close my eyes to block out everything that has happened in the past two hours. "Why did you do that?"
"Because I'm an idiot." I reply simply, swallowing hard "I can't move back here, Liv. I can't do it."
"Oh." She's silent for a moment, "Okay."
"I just can't come back here permanently and be in the same position that Blaine is in." I shake my head slowly and she nods. "It's too hard."
"I see."
"And that means…no Quinn." I swallow hard, closing my eyes once again as I exhale slowly.
"Yeah." We lay in silence once again, and I try not to think of the blonde's face earlier today. My chest aches with a dull pain and I feel sick to my stomach. Liv wraps an arm around me and squeezes me against her, "I'm sorry, Sanny."
"It's okay." I attempt a shrug, and she raises an eyebrow.
"Really?" She asks sceptically, and I shake my head sadly as a tear rolls across my temple and soaks into my hair. Livvy loosens her grip and I raise one arm to wipe the tear away angrily with the heel of my hand. I drop my arm back onto the bed heavily, staring blankly at the ceiling above me once again. Livvy's hand shifts besides mine and she catches my hand, holding it tightly.
We lay frozen like this for what feels like hours, until my phone vibrates in my pocket. I immediately bolt upright into a sitting position, reaching into my pocket before laying back on the bed to ease my phone out of the tight denim, hoping it might be Quinn. I sigh disappointedly as I read the name.
Hey, u leave in 2 days. Hang out? B :D xx
Blaine's chirpy text gives me a pang at the thought of moving back to the city and leaving Quinn, but I quickly tap out a reply.
Yes. Alcohol needed S x
"Was it her?" Liv asks, propped up on one elbow with her head resting in her hand. She bites her lip hopefully but I shake my head.
"No. Blaine asking to hang out." I shrug to hide my disappointment, as the phone buzzes in my hand once again.
Why? What's wrong? Is it Quinn? Is everything okay? :/ xx
"Oh, are you gonna go?" Liv raises her eyebrows, and I nod.
"Yeah, I want to see him before I leave, definitely."
It's Quinn. Not okay. St Nick's at 9 tonight x
I'll be there, B xxx
I drop my phone onto the bedcover beside me before slumping back onto the bed with a heavy sigh.
-oOo-
"Hey San." Blaine announces his arrival with a sympathetic shoulder pat. I've already been sat on a stool at the bar of Ol' St. Nick's for half an hour, nursing a strong whiskey and coke, and receiving way too many nosy looks from the girl behind the bar. I don't reply as I stare blankly into my drink, and Blaine nods to the bar girl with a point to my drink before depositing his coat on the back of the stool beside me, and taking a seat.
"So do you want to talk about it?" He raises his eyebrows at me as the girl delivers his drink and I sigh heavily.
"I suppose I should." I reply glumly, twisting in my seat to turn towards him as I take a deep breath, "Quinn asked me to be her girlfriend. I said no." I say bluntly, and his mouth falls a small 'o' as his eyebrows shoot upwards.
"Yikes." His mouth twists in a grimace, "I suppose it is pretty soon; I can understand your hesitancy but...is it really such a big deal? Can't you just tell her she's moving too fast?"
"No! It's not too soon at all. I understand why she said it; we've had an amazing time together and we've known each other like two weeks but it just…fits!" I realise how loudly I'm talking, and turn back to take a large gulp of my drink with a small sigh. "So that's not my problem. I want to be her girlfriend." I add evenly, and he narrows his eyes in confusion.
"Oh. Right." He frowns down at the bar thoughtfully for a second before turning back to me with narrowed eyes, "So just clear this up for me; why is this a bad thing?"
He raises an eyebrow and I shake my head slowly, "Because I'm leaving for the city tomorrow." I hold my hands up in a helpless shrug and he nods his understanding, taking a sip of his drink and grimacing slightly.
"I see. Couldn't you just go long-distance?" He coughs a little but I ignore him, shaking my head slightly.
"No, I would hate it. I just know that I'd be all crazy and jealous because I'd never get to see her. And if we did keep moving forward then I'd just grow to like her even more, and then I would miss her even more and I'd be miserable." I take another large swig, and Blaine's eyes widen in awe.
He gives his head a little shake before taking a deep breath, "Okay so…your work contract ends at the end of the month. I thought you were thinking of coming home?"
"I know." I groan pathetically, and he frowns, "But I just can't, I just can't move back here. I can't put myself back in a position where I'm made to feel like I'm…wrong just for being who I am. I want to be me, and to not feel like that's a bad thing." I shrug sadly and he nods his head. "Livvy told me about what happened to you on the way home from the store." I add plainly and he rolls his eyes, "Why didn't you tell me? That's awful."
"It wasn't. Not really." He shifts guiltily and I raise my eyebrows in shock.
"What do you mean 'it wasn't'? They attacked you, Blaine!" I stare at him incredulously but he refuses to meet my eye, glancing up at the ceiling and shifting awkwardly.
"No…not really." He grimaces and my eyes narrow suspiciously. He takes a sip of his drink and I raise my eyebrows, urging him to go on, "Well…I guess they did start it."
My concerned expression drops into one of reluctant expectancy. "What are you talking about?" I demand and he bites his lip.
"Well, they were following me, and saying stuff. They you know, called me a fag, blah blah blah. And…I merely pointed out that their abuse could easily be a sign of their own personal repressed homosexuality." He shrugs casually and my jaw drops.
"Blaine!" I slap his arm lightly and he sniggers.
"I know right? I bring it on myself." He pouts self-pityingly and I roll my eyes with an impatient sigh, "Then they asked what that was supposed to mean, and I told them they could all just ask their dads, who I'd already liberated from their wannabe-heterosexual ideals."
"Wow." I deadpan, and he nods guiltily, "You're a smart-ass."
"I know." He admits, sniggering slightly.
"I think I'd have chased you, too." I reply seriously and he nods enthusiastically.
"Oh, God, yes. I deserved the chasing."
"But either way, you can't honestly tell me that you're accepted for who you are here, and you're comfortable in your own skin, and you feel like you belong." I raise an eyebrow, challenging him, and he shrugs sadly.
"No. Of course I can't." He pauses thoughtfully and takes a breath, "It's not as bad as your sister made it out to be, but no. Of course I can't say that. I do get called names, and intimidated and, you know, harassed. But then there's Kurt. And he's so proud of who he is, and he's trailblazing all over this town. He accepts me for who I am, he likes me for who I am." He shrugs contentedly, "It's worth it."
"But you shouldn't have to just live with it! You shouldn't be called names at all, or ever made to feel threatened or intimidated! It's not fair. What have we ever done to deserve that kind of abuse?" I take another large swig as Blaine raises an eyebrow.
"Well-" He chuckles under his breath and I sigh.
"Okay fine. Maybe we haven't exactly been angels, but still!"
"We've done nothing to deserve it. But the world is cruel. Get over it." He grins and I roll my eyes.
"Thanks, Mr Miyagi, you're so wise." I deadpan, "It's just…I don't want to live in a place where I have to 'get over it'. We don't deserve it, not you or me, or Kurt…or…you know, Quinn."
"Yeah, I know. I get it, I do. I completely understand you wanting to stay in the city, where you live an easier life. I just don't know if I could make the same decision myself." He shrugs as I drain my drink.
"Really? So you don't feel like escaping the suburban nightmare and keeping me company in the big Apple? I'll buy you the best bagel New York has to offer?" I wiggle my eyebrows up and down with a grin, and he raises an eyebrow.
"I don't think so. What about Kurt?"
"You said it yourself! Long-distance!" I hold my hands out as if it's the easiest idea in the world, but he looks pensieve.
"I see….okay so, if I move to the city with you, and Kurt and I go long-distance, what's to stop you and Quinn going long-distance too?" He grins enthusiastically and I sigh, "Think about it, we could go see them at the same time, they could keep each other company travelling to see us. We'd be like a great, big, happy family!" He spreads his arms wide but I glare at him as my drink is delivered, taking another large sip.
"Point taken. Fine, stay here then. No bagel for you." I glare, but giggle a second later as Blaine rolls his eyes.
"You don't really want me to come live with you anyway." He shakes his head and I sigh.
"I dunno, it'd be really nice to get to see you more. That's all." I shrug and he smiles, reaching out to squeeze my hand.
"Yeah. I know the feeling."
"Do you know what I do need?" I ask seriously, turning to look him in the eye.
He raises his eyebrows, "A hug?"
"Ew, no." I grimace, pushing his hand away with a sly smirk, "Another drink."
Blaine nods his firm agreement, "Another drink." Before gesturing to call the barmaid over.