Since the day Kate had planned her disappearance she had feared, suspected that this day would come. One of the reasons she wanted someone close to him to keep an eye on him, to make sure he wasn't going to do anything stupid. Still when she heard the words she found herself staring dumbstruck at the wall for a few seconds, trying to think of where she could have gone wrong, what she could have missed in her plan.
"Kate?" Her friend's hesitant voice brought her back to reality and she swallowed.
"How?" She breathed out, standing up and walking to the murder board she had improvised as if she could find the answer there.
"I don't know, but he came running into the morgue today telling me he had found things that didn't add up. That I made a mistake."

At hearing her friend's words Kate turned around and sat down on the bed. Rubbing her temples in an attempt to clear her mind. Before she could say anything else Lanie spoke again, hesitant this time, filled with her own worry. "Kate, he thinks it's connected to your mothers killer. He thinks they took you."
Upon hearing those words Kate covered her face with her left hand and tried to calm herself, tried to stop thinking about the things that Castle must be feeling. It wrecked her all over again. "Oh god…" She managed. She stared at the white ceiling trying to calm herself.
"Girl, you know what he's going to do right?" Lanie almost whispered the words, but they still impaled the detectives heart. Froze it for a second before sending it into a frenzy. Of course she knew what he was going to do. She had seen him before, seen the ends he went to to protect the people he cared about. The people he loved. To protect her.
"He shouldn't." She almost growled it. Behind her fear and worry was something else that bubbled up into her so sudden she couldn't even try to hold it back: anger. Anger at this man with his over active imagination who would abandon everything just for her. She was angry at him for loving her this much, and even more angry at herself for allowing him to, deep in her heart.
"Well what do you expect him to do? The guy is crazy about you. Do you expect him to just walk away?!" Lanie's words about Castle's love for her almost went past her. Albeit triggering a short shiver in her heart, like the remnant of an old instinct that should have been long forgotten. She put one hand next to her on the bed to steady herself and he gaze found the murder board once again. The people that had been lost touching her mother's case. Her hand went to her chest and she didn't even have to look to know where her scar was. Sometimes, on bad nights when she awoke from a deep and dark nightmare, she swore she could feel it burning.
"He should." She eventually managed. Her throat suddenly clogged. "Yes, Lanie, he should walk away from this." She remembered how she had reacted when Castle told her she had to stop. Told her to let it go in those exact words. He told her to walk away. Told her they were going to kill her if she didn't. She hadn't listened, and not more than a day later, they put a bullet in her heart. She couldn't phrase anything else, couldn't bring herself to tell Lanie what they would do if he didn't walk away. She knew anyway.

"Then tell him to. Tell him to stop. Because if you don't, he won't." Lanie's voice was still soft, but there was no doubt in it. She had seen the way the guy came storming into her morgue, recognized the look in his eyes. It has the same look that had been in the eyes of her friend years ago. She knew it would take a miracle to make him stop searching for her, so that's what she was asking for.
"Lanie if I tell him I'm alive he will only search harder for me." Kate vaguely interjected, but she knew she was just trying to save herself from the pain of having to contact him. It was selfish, but she wasn't sure if she could handle talking to him. Even seeing him on the television talking about her broke her heart all over again.
"He will if you ask him to." Lanie reassured her friend. When she didn't react she understood what her friend was anxious about. "You can write him. Send the letter to me and I will give it to Castle. He won't be able to find you." She suggested and Kate nodded. She buried her face in her hands for a while, dropping the phone on the bed for a while before taking it up again.
"Okay." She finally breathed out. "I will write him."

"Kate?"
She didn't answer.
"It's going to be okay."

She didn't see how it was going to be okay. How it was ever going to be okay until she got to her mother's killer and put him in the ground. Right now, nothing seemed to be going even close to okay, but she didn't say any of this. Instead she stood up to search for a piece of paper and sighed.

"Yeah."

Castle was bordering somewhere between the world of his dreams and the cold reality when he heard a soft knock at his door and jumped up. He groaned at the rude awakening from the dream he had almost indulged himself to fall into and got up. He shuffled to the door and opened it. He blinked confused when he found the doorway empty, glanced left and right but saw no one. He vaguely heard the sound of heels clicking ,but couldn't make out where the sound was coming from. Just when he decided to go back into the loft and try to get some sleep, he found himself standing on something: A blank white envelope that someone had evidently shoved under his door. He blinked at it before picking it up. There was no address on it and he took it into the loft. When he opened it his heart missed a beat, then it froze, left him staring at the letter, not daring to read it.

He recognized the handwriting. He had seen it countless times on her murder board.
The handwriting was Kate Beckett's.

Dear Castle,

There is no easy way to say this. There is not even an easy way to explain this, but I will try to. I think you already know this, or at least expected it, but you deserve to know the truth nonetheless: I am alive. I wish I could have told you this before, but I couldn't. I can't force you to forgive me for what I did to you, but I can explain it to you. The truth might help you understand.

I got threats. Everywhere. On my phone, in my mail, on my computer. Threats against me, but also threats against you. I got them before the shooting and I dismissed them as harmless, just like I dismissed you when you told me to stop investigating my mother's case. I put myself in the crosshairs by doing that, and I'm still in them. I'm so sorry Castle, but it's too late for me to walk away now. They know me, they know I'm not going to stop. That's why I had to leave to a place where they couldn't find me. I had to disappear, and I would never force you to come with me. You have a daughter to take care off, you should stay with your family. That's one thing I'm sure about.

I'd tell you not to worry about me, but I know you will. You're stubborn like that, but please don't be about the next thing I'm about to ask of you.

Don't come looking for me. They will kill you if you do, Castle. Please just walk away from this. I know it's hard to let go, I've been there and I've made all the wrong choices. Choose what's important, Castle. Choose living with your family, choose living in the future instead of drowning in the past, 'cause living is so much better.

I have one other thing to ask of you, because you will figure this out eventually: please don't be mad at Lanie. It's not her fault that I messed up, it's not her fault that she was forced to lie to you and the boys. I know how hard this has been for her too. I don't expect you to forgive me for what I've done to you, but at least try to forgive Lanie.

And Castle, I suppose, if this is my last chance to tell you:

I love you too.

Kate

AN: Well, I guess that was... revealing? I've debated with myself for quite a while if I wanted her to say that she loved him, but eventually I think that if it's your last chance to say that to someone, you would, even though it would hurt them. Especially after Castle said in his dedication to her that he was sorry he never got to tell her he loved her for real.

By the way... you might have to wait a week or three on the new chapter. (sorry!) since I'm going to Rome with school for a week, and to Barcelona for a week after that, so this might be the last chapter in a few weeks, or there might be one more, depending on how much time I have next week. sorry about that guys, I just want to you give a heads-up that I'm definitely not thinking about quitting this story. I'm currently having a blast torturing poor Caskett.