Perhaps it was cop instinct, perhaps some remnant from her PTSD days, perhaps her body's surrender to death or perhaps it was the sheer force that pushed her to the ground, but she was falling the floor before she was even ware of what was happening. She crashed onto the floor and tried to catch Castle's eyes as she expected to drop out of consciousness any second now. It was only seconds since she had heard the shot, but her senses seemed more heightened than ever and for a split second she felt more alive than ever before, before she hit the ground and it came to a halt. An almost surreal calmness setting over her in the midst of chaos. She felt blood spreading all around her, she held onto Castle's gaze, preparing to die.
And then she didn't.
"NYPD put your hands where I can see them!" Esposito's raw voice seemed to bring her back to life just seconds after she heard the gunshot and was sure it was all over. She realized she hadn't taken another breath of air after smacking on the floor and her body suddenly demanded a gasp of air. She sat up but froze all movement when she saw Esposito running past her. Gun drawn, followed in his tracks by Ryan. Seeing the faces she thought she wouldn't ever see again made her heart leap, forcing the realization upon her that she was alive. Her heart was still beating and she was alive. She almost hesitantly turned her head and was startled by the puddle of blood she was lying in. Blood that she had assumed to be hers, warm blood that was coating her hands, the sickening smell invading her nose. She saw him lying in the puddle. Eyes wide open, gun right next to him, mouth still opened on his last words. It was only at this sight that the realization hit Kate. She wasn't dead. Her heart was still beating in her chest and the blood she was lying in didn't belong to her. Against all odds, she was still alive.
She was almost afraid to look up, to cross Castle's eyes because for a moment he must have thought the same. The image of her lying in the puddle of blood he must have assumed to be hers. He saw her die. Again. She forced her gaze up, forced herself to look in his eyes. She half expected to see relief in his eyes, but she saw nothing in them. He stared at her, the only emotion that was left in his eyes disbelief, disbelief that this woman came back to life not once, but twice, and it was too much. It was too much to understand, and so he didn't. He didn't understand or know what to feel. So he just watched her and waited for the world to start making sense again. She wanted to stand up, to walk towards him, to free him and to tell him the words that she was desperate to say to him, but her gaze stopped her dead in her tracks. Robbed her off her belief that she had had for a while that it was going to be okay, that this was just going to be one of those bad situations they went through together. Looking into his eyes, she realized this was going to be so much harder and that this could very well tear them apart more than distance or death could have. They just stared at each other and they would've probably continued doing that, if it hadn't been for Ryan running towards Castle, freeing him of his restraints and pulling the duct tape from his mouth.
"You okay?" Ryan asked Castle on a breath, his eyes still shooting through the room even though the squad team had already cleared it out. Castle's answering not was barely perceivable, his eyes staying fixed on Kate.
"Castle's where's Lanie?" He hushed out. That caught Kate's attention, shook her from the faraway place she had been in. Lanie. She stood up and wanted to follow Ryan, but he disappeared from her sight before she could go after him. The was left standing in front of Castle and something inside her screamed to run towards him, throw her arms around him and tell him the meant what she told him in her letter.
I love you.
But something held her back. Made her afraid to close the space that had grown between them. The space that had been growing since the moment she left him. It strangled her, because for the first time she saw exactly what she had lost by messing up everything. She was almost glad when a familiar voice cut through the air that was thickening between her and Castle.
"Detective Beckett." She turned around and immediately looked into the eyes of Victoria Gates. She looked calm as always, though a small smile was on her lips. "I am glad you are all right." She seemed completely unaffected by the formerly diseased detective standing in front of her. Kate nodded, momentarily not having regained her ability to speak.
Suddenly her attention was caught by steps and mumbling coming inside the room. She turned around and an immense wave of relief crashed over her when she saw her friend walking in. Lanie was holding Esposito's hand but seemed mostly unharmed. Kate finally allowed herself a smile and seconds later Ryan appeared in front of her. For a moment he just stared at her, as if he had trouble believing she was really there. She saw the range of emotions passing through his eyes. Relief, but also something that was definitely betrayal and a spark of anger. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, but before she could conjure up anything she felt Ryan's arms around her in a hug.
"Don't ever do that again." He mumbled in her ear and she laughed softly. She hadn't left Ryan's arms or she felt Esposito's around her. He, however, stayed silent and though his hug was firm and warm, she felt the tension. She could almost physically feel the emotions and thoughts that were raging, battling inside his head. When she left his arms too and saw the two detectives standing in front of her she forced herself to get the words out that she had felt since the moment she saw them first storming inside.
"Thanks guys. " She nearly whispered it catching their gaze. "And I'm sorry." She added, louder this time. Her throat clogged again, rendering her incapable of explaining. She knew it wasn't enough, it wasn't even near enough. She had to explain it to them, had to tell them why she betrayed their trust and put them through hell. Maybe they wouldn't even understand, she wouldn't even blame them.
Luckily, for now, they seemed fine with this. She was alive, and that was enough for now.
"Kate!" Her head shot up but before she could register what was in front of her, Lanie's eyes were wrapped around her. The could feel her friend's body trembling. Both from relief and from everything that had happened the last ten hours. She held onto her friend longer than Ryan and Esposito had and Kate couldn't help looking over her shoulder towards Castle. The writer got the same embrace she got by Ryan and Esposito and managed a smile and some words she couldn't hear. When Lanie let her go she was still looking and Lanie followed her gaze.
"Go to him." She urged and Kate immediately diverted her glance from him. She didn't answer her friend and bit her lip. "Girl…" Lanie warned, already getting some of her old personality back, albeit still wary of the state her friend seemed to be in. Kate breathed and started walking towards him again. When he caught her gaze she saw him physically freeze, the grin disappearing from his face for a second before he forced it back on.
"Castle…" She mumbled, standing just a few steps away from him. Her gaze caught his and she forced herself to keep walking towards him, even as he made no move to walk towards her. Almost avoiding her. "Castle please don't…" Please don't do this. But the words got caught into her throat because she didn't know how to deal with this. She could deal with anger, she could deal with him shouting at her for doing this to him, for not being strong enough to stop and choose him, she could deal with anything. Anything but this.
She stopped on front of him, almost touching him, her eyes not leaving his. She felt a tear dreaming down her cheek, but she didn't care. She didn't care about showing emotions to him anymore, as long as he would show them to her, but he didn't. It was like the moment she dropped to the floor he had locked them up somewhere far away where she couldn't reach them, couldn't hurt him anymore.
"Castle please." She pleaded with him, and her begging seemed to get through his shell somehow. The writer smiled at her and took her hand in his. Carefully, almost as if he was scared she would shatter under his touch. He rubbed his thumb over her hand for just a second, a remnant of something ancient they had before all this happened. He dropped her hand without a word and his gaze caught hers again. What Kate saw in his once so open and blue eyes made her heart sink.
There was a wall inside.
Aw come on, did you really think I'd kill her off? Again?