"Girl, I get he's upset, but you have to talk to him! And I do not mean talk about everything but what you actually need to talk about!" Lanie gestured to her friend, the wine in the glass she was holding dangerously close to falling out. Kate sighed and rubbed her eyes over her temple. She hadn't slept a lot last night when she returned to her apartment after Castle refused to talk to her. Nightmares, worst-case-scenario's and something in between raging through her head every time she dared to close her eyes. Eventually, at three AM, she found herself sitting on her bed with her laptop searching, and reading, the first chapter of the new Nikki Heat book. His writing calmed her slightly, her dedication twisted her heart every time she read it, she remembered the first time she heard it. How he was standing there, trying to seem like the man he had once been before the reporters while he was burdened by her ring around his neck. She wouldn't ever get that image out of her head, and she was afraid he wouldn't either.
"Lanie, I told you, he doesn't want to talk to me. I can't just barge in his door and…"
"Kate! That is exactly what you need to do! He is building up his walls and if you don't break them down now, you will never get in again!" Lanie crossed her arms and stared down her friend.
"Yeah but Lanie…"
"Kate, do you want him back or not?" Kate sighed and bit her lip. Of course she wanted him back, but she couldn't bear him pushing her away again.
"What if he doesn't let me in? What if he doesn't love me anymore?" Kate eventually croaked out, trying to hold back her tears and keep her voice steady. Lanie sighed and stood up to sit next to her friend, putting her hand over her friend's.
"He loves you. He told you, didn't he?"
Kate bit her lip and shook her head, letting out a shaky breath, barely daring to speak. "No. I mean he did… Write it in his dedication. But only because he thought I was dead, just like when he thought I was dying on the cemetery. What if that's just…" She shook her head and held back the words that would undoubtedly be sobbed words.
"Is that what you're worried about?" Lanie shook her head and went to sit in front of her friend so she could look into her eyes. "Kate, the guy is crazy about you. He might be trying not to, he might be trying to hide it, but I've seen the look in his eyes. Trust me Kate, he loves you. You just have to remind him." She whispered the last words. Kate felt tears welling up in her eyes and quickly wiped her eyes, avoiding Lanie's gaze. Eventually she let out a shaky breath, trying to make herself believe it, trying to be brave. To for once put her heart on the line, because that's what he had done for all those years with her. Now she had to be brave enough to do the same. Maybe it was like Royce had said. Risking our hearts is why we're alive.
And after all: the last thing she wanted was to look back at her life and wonder "if only."
"Okay. I'll talk to him." She finally whispered, cleared her throat and repeated it. As if to ensure herself that she could, would, do this. "I'll talk to him."
He froze the moment he opened the door and found her standing in front of him. It ached somewhere deep inside him. A combination between pain that she hadn't trusted him, anger that she could have done this to him, and the all-consuming fear to have to go through that again. She saw the shimmer of unshed tears in her eyes, but forced himself to ignore it. He looked at the ring around her neck that, for some time, had been his only reminder of her. He had given it back to her without a word before he returned to the loft. He couldn't wear it anymore. Couldn't bear it around his neck like a noose.
"Beckett." He finally rasped out, trying to keep his voice distant. He saw the brief flicker of sadness in her eyes, the way her eyes dropped to the ground for just a second and he knew he had succeeded. He saw she was nervous, but he couldn't bring himself to invite her in. She was still an apparition in front of him. Someone who didn't, shouldn't, be alive anymore. Like she would fly away from him every second. End up somewhere in a back alley, get shot in front of him and he'd have to through it, everything, again. And it was selfish, but he couldn't. He couldn't love her anymore. In the end, she'd tear a hole in him.
"Can I come in?" Kate breathed out and Castle nodded. He turned around and gestured towards his couch, but Kate didn't sit down.
"Castle." He heard her voice tremble and had to fight an urge to reassure her, to try to make her feel better, but all he did was turn around and stare at her. Unmoving, untouchable. She breathed again and suddenly casted her eyes up towards his. "We need to talk." She repeated her words from yesterday. Her voice was still shaky, broke down halfway, but she also sounded sure of herself. She kept her eyes focused on him and Castle turned around, already walking away from her.
"Well I think we need some coffee. What kind of coffee would you like." Before he could move himself away from her, flee from the questions that would undoubtedly lead to more heartbreak, he felt her hand on his shoulder, forcibly turning him around. He suddenly found himself a lot closer to her than he'd been in weeks. He could see a nearly invisible tear escaping from her eye and stepped back as if he had been scorched at the sight. She couldn't do this, she shouldn't do this to him.
"Rick, please." She whispered and put one hand on his cheek. His jaw twitched, his face hardened, but he didn't pull away. "Please listen to me." Castle didn't react, didn't even acknowledge her words. Kate took it as permission to explain herself. She tried to calm her breath, this could mean the end of everything, or the start of a new chance. She wanted that new chance, she wanted a chance at a happy life.
"I had to do it, Castle. They would have killed you." She moved her thumb over his cheek before pulling it back and swallowing back her tears "I wouldn't have been able to live with that." She whispered, desperate for him to understand. Maybe he wouldn't ever forgive her, but he had to understand why. She takes his hand in hers and tries to pull him closer to her.
"I had to." He flatly replied and pulled his hand away from her. "Three times, you were dead three times." She hears his voice break out from behind the wall and it tears her heart apart. Because of course he build a wall. She'd built a wall and she had only lost someone she lost once. He had to watch her die, again. She wanted to touch him, to let him touch her, let him feel every scar, let him feel her heartbeat, she wanted him to know she was alive. She tentatively took his hand, tightened her grip around him when he tried to pull away. Slowly she pulled his hand towards her and carefully put her hand above her heart.
"I'm alive." Kate whispered, desperate for him to feel it. Not to see it, not to hear it, but to feel she was alive. Standing right in front of him. She traced her fingers over his, mouthing the words again, not being able to speak them anymore.
Castle felt her heartbeat battering under her chest against his hand. Inadvertedly stepping closer to her, for a moment forgetting the wall that he had built up. He briefly registered her other hand lifting up and pulling her shirt down so he could lay eyes upon her scar. His fingers went up to trace the edges of it, this thing, life and death at the same time. When he dared to lift his eyes back to her, he could see the tears streaming down her face for just a second, before she felt her lips feathering over his. She whispered something he didn't hear against his lips and pushed her lips against him again. For a moment his body betrayed him, his lips kissing her back in some urge that he hadn't been able to keep under restraint. His hands nearly betraying him, trying to wrap around her like the first time he felt her lips on his. But this wasn't right, this shouldn't happen. They both knew it.
"No." Castle croaked out against her lips and pushed her back. Away from him, stepped back to try to put as much space between them as possible. "No." He repeated and tried to turn around. She halted him by putting her hand on his arm and forcing him to look into her eyes. Her eyes were laid bare before him, no trace of any wall, he could tell every emotion in her eyes by name, but he could understand nothing about her anymore.
"Castle…" Kate whispered.
"You've made your choice Kate." He had to avoid her eyes to put his walls back up. When had she managed to break them down in the first place? "It's too late to stop now. They're going to kill you, and I'm not going to watch them." Kate flinched at his words, because something in them was true. She had chosen her mother's case over him. She had chosen justice over love. He was right, but he couldn't be. He wasn't allowed to be.
"Castle you don't know that." She tried to reassure him, but she knew it was a lie. They found her once, and then they found her again. She couldn't run, she couldn't hide and she couldn't stay. He was right, eventually she would end up dead, and he was just trying to spare himself the pain of losing her again. From hurting like that again. She couldn't blame him.
"I do, and you do too." He answered her flatly.
"But…" He seemed to hesitate for a moment. "There's something you need to know."
She didn't 'reply.
"Before Montgomery went into that hangar, he sent a package to someone…"
Sorry for the late update. Not sure about this chapter, but I hope you like it anyway.
Still recovering from 'Watershed' by the way. Another hiatus of hell is waiting for us, my fellow Castle fans.