Child of My Heart: by Analyn100
Chapter One: Meant to Be
Harry Potter hated waiting….for anything at all. He detested it. His mother had insisted that it was a virtue that he needed to learn to survive in the ordinary world without loosing his mind. He had gotten better with his patience over the years at least he thought so - he wasn't quite sure his mum was convinced – but today what little patience he had accumulated over the years was being pushed to the limits. He was pacing around the Healer's Exam room, in the same way he used to pace prison cells. Any minute now, that wretched man was going to walk through those doors with that test result and he would know if his plan had worked.
"Harry, sit down, you're going to put a whole in the floor at this rate."
Harry turned around to regard the red-headed woman lying on the exam table next to him. If he didn't know any better, he'd swear she was comfortable there. She had almost managed to fall asleep, whereas he was too worked up for anything of the kind.
"I can't help it," he admitted, taking her advice by sitting down in the nearest chair.
Ginny got up and sat down next to him, putting a hand on his knee to stop the nervous leg shaking that had taken the place of pacing. "What are you so worked up about anyway? You've been this way for days."
He drummed his fingers on the chair's armrest, looking at anything in the room that was not his wife. He could lie through his teeth to a lot of people, but not her. She could always see the lie in his eyes regardless of their color.
"I'm just nervous about your pregnancy test, that's all."
"My pregnancy test? Is that all? Harry, between the condoms and potions I think it's safe to say that I'm NOT pregnant. They just have to test it every few months to make sure I'm not pregnant so I can get another potion prescription. Really, it's nothing to worry about. Now just relax, read a Quidditch magazine."
Harry pulled the first one out of the rack and started reading about the Scottish team, his mind not taking in a single word of it. Ginny had been nauseated and had put on some weight in the last few weeks, but weight gain for a woman didn't necessarily mean pregnancy, neither did nausea. Both were quite commonplace apart from pregnancy, but he couldn't help but hope.
"What if, what if it is positive?" he cautiously suggested, studying his wife.
He recognized the guarded look that took over her features in a matter of seconds. It was a mask he knew all too well.
Ginny just shook her head. "It won't be," she declared with absolute certainty.
"It's possible, Ginny, even with birth control. And…well, it wouldn't be a bad thing, would it?"
Ginny just folded her arms across her chest and glared at the wall, not even giving him the courtesy of an answer. "I just can't," she answered softly after several minutes, still staring at the wall.
Harry sighed, staring at the opposite wall. That was the only answer he ever got. He was starting to understand how frustrated his family had been with him for years when he would insist that he was fine despite the fact that he obviously was not. She was copying his habits of years gone by. She was guarding her heart so closely for fear of it breaking all over again. She was hiding her pain so thoroughly that she may have well donned his old silver mask.
His dad's words echoed in his head – the same words he had spoken to a grieving Harry who had lain writhing on his sitting room floor just days after Jaime's passing.
'….unlike most parents you know the pain of the loss already and you will do anything to avoid it ever again. Just don't push her into intimacy before she's ready for it. Post-pregnancy hormones can be a nightmare, especially after a miscarriage'.
He had followed his father's advice. He had let her be, had allowed her to come to him. He had ridden the rollercoaster that was grief and hormones thrown together. It had been a tumultuous ride – with him spending several nights on his parents' couch – but he had known it would not be easy. But when his dad had said they would 'do anything to avoid it ever again' he hadn't imagined the lengths Ginny would go to protect her mending heart.
The silence remained unbroken until the Healer walked in. They both turned around in their seats, feigning interest as he praised their test results. He really wished all of his young patients were as fit and healthy as the couple sitting before him. They, however, did not seem to care. Taking a hint, he pulled out the last leaflet from the bottom of the stack. "Now in accordance with procedure, we ran a urine pregnancy test on Mrs. Potter…" He noted how they both were suddenly paying attention "and congratulations, it's positive. You're pregnant."
Harry heard nothing past the word, 'congratulations'. He kept his face calm and passive, though his heart was doing summersaults. "Ginny," he took her hand in his, noting her blank stare at the wall and the slow shaking of her head. "Ginny, honey, we're going to have a baby. You're going to be a mum."
Ginny snapped out of it, her eyes coming back to focus. She ignored her husband and turned to the Healer, who had taken an instrument out of his bottomless pit of a bag and was pointing a light at her eyes. "I'm sorry, what? How?"
"I was just telling you that your pregnancy test was positive."
"But, I'm on the potion. That's supposed to prevent – "
"The potion, ma'am, alters your cycle greatly reducing the likelihood of pregnancy by more than 95%. Pregnancy while taking the potion is uncommon but not unheard of –"
"Sorry, I just – I need to go. Sorry." Ginny rushed out of the room, not sparing a backward glance at her husband who remained hunched over in his chair, his head in his hands.
Harry stayed seated, rubbing his eyes, knowing he was in trouble now. "Boy or girl?" They had used the muggle tests last time knowing that those would not give away the baby's sex. With magical tests on the other hand, the resulting line on the stick would be color-coded: black meant negative, positive was either red for a girl or blue for a boy.
"It's a girl. Mr. Potter, are you okay? I know this comes as a shock…"
Harry nodded, letting the knowledge sink in, breathing a sigh of relief. He had been hoping for a girl. At least this way, he wouldn't have to wonder which baby boy Ginny would be referring to. Anything that could differentiate this pregnancy from the last one would be welcome. "Yeah, I'm fine. I better…" He inclined his head at the door.
The Healer clapped Harry on the shoulder. "Go on, son. Talk to her."
Harry hurried out of the office, mentally preparing for the wrath that was sure to come.
He apparated straight into the kitchen and was a little alarmed to find that Ginny was making herself a pot of tea, something she had stoutly refused to drink while carrying Jaime, but kept his own counsel. Tea was nothing, a little caffeine wouldn't hurt, would it?
Ginny glanced up from her tea, a scowl marring her beautiful face. "How? I followed the instructions, took it on time every day…"
Harry leaned up against the cabinet several feet away, trying to gauge her reaction. "Birth control" he began slowly, licking his lips, "it's not a guaranteed thing. Women get pregnant on the potion all the time."
"Yes, I know, that's why I gave you condoms, you git."
Harry flushed Weasley red at the thought of those horrid things. "Yes well, suppose I forgot them a time or two?"
Ginny's eyebrows disappeared into her hair. "You what?"
"Well," Harry ran a hand through his hair, his features taking on a look of apprehension that didn't look like it belonged there. It looked almost foreign. "You know, it was vacation and romantic and I ran out those last few nights and forgot to get another box…"
As his wife's eyes got wider with every word, he totally threw out the idea of admitting everything. She'd blow the roof to the moon if she knew what he'd done to her potion. He thought he'd been caught for sure when she mentioned that her potion didn't quite taste the same as it had the previous month. He had breathed a sigh of relief when the Apothecary told her that a change of taste was expected if older ingredients were used, but it was alright as long as the potion was consumed prior to the date on the label which had been a mere month away. In other words, he had been saved by luck.
"You forgot?" She was whispering, not shouting. That was always a bad sign. It was a sign that she was struggling to hold on to her last ounce self-restraint. "Why didn't you say anything? I could have taken one of those morning-after pills. I told you I didn't want a child!"
"I thought about it." It was a lie, he really hadn't. Not for one moment. "But, Gin, I've seen the way you look at mothers with their children. You want that, I know you do. I thought maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing, maybe it was meant to be." He had been hoping –had been certain - that Ginny would get all nostalgic when she heard the word 'positive', now he wasn't so sure.
"I don't want a child. I want my child, my son. My Jaime…" She took several shaky breaths, blinking away the tears, leaning on the table for support. "I need him, Harry. I need my son."
Harry stood by watching his wife succumb to her grief again in a way she had not done for months, longing to comfort her. He had promised her family that he would do whatever he could to make her happy, anything she wanted he would gladly give. The thought that he could not give her the one thing she longed for above all else was one that he could not tolerate.
He reached out a hand to her shoulder. "What about your daughter, Ginny? Does she not deserve the same care?" He knew it was a low-blow, but if he could just turn on that maternal instinct…there just had to be a way.
"My daughter? It's a girl?"
She rewarded him with that small, almost hopeful smile. There it was.
Harry's heart leapt up to his throat at the sight of that beautiful smile, despite the fact that it was a far-cry from the radiant joy he remembered. "Yes, our baby girl. And I was thinking of naming her after her dear old dad, what do you think?"
Ginny blank stare almost sent him laughing. "You're kidding. And I thought your ego could get no larger. So you want to name her what? Harriet Potter? No. She's going to have a hard enough time getting a boyfriend with you as her father and you want her to give her your name?"
"What? No. I was thinking Alexa. You know, after Alex. It means 'defender' and we both know I'm going to teach the kid to kick ass. We could call her Lexie for short."
This time Ginny actually did laugh. "No, I don't think so."
"Oh come on, why not, it's perfect." He pretended to pout, giving her his best puppy dog eyes that usually had her melting. Apparently she was growing immune to that look.
"Is not perfect, it's all wrong," Ginny laughed. He would never tire of that sound, one he had not heard in so long. "Do you really want to have to explain to your teenage daughter that her name comes from the alias you used to sneak out into the dead of night to go to fight clubs and pubs? As soon as she starts dating, she'll throw that one right back at you and you know it."
"Point taken." He made a face as though he had just swallowed a whole sour lemon.
"Any second choices?"
"Well, I was thinking Rose for a middle name. Mum wants a flower name, something about family tradition."
"So why not Rosalyn? We could call her Rosa."
Harry shook his head. "Too….girly."
"Too girly? Harry, it's a baby girl, what do you expect?"
"How about Anna? Short for Lilianna. That way we'd be naming her after my mum without all of the confu –"He stopped short as the smile disappeared from her face. Oops, that had been the same reason they had chosen the name Jaime instead of James. Apparently both of his name ideas had just gotten nixed.
"Harry, I can't…" She was hugging herself tightly again.
Harry pulled her into his arms, wrapping them around her, holding her close to his heart. "It's going to be okay, Gin. It won't end that way again, even if it means that I have to follow you around everywhere you go. Even if I have to quit my classes for a term, I will not allow that to happen, again, I promise. It's going to be okay," he whispered over and over again, rocking her in his arms. "Everything's going to be okay. So," he whispered after several tense moments, "are there any names you had in mind?"
She shook her head against his shoulder. "Let's just wait. We can name her after her baby shower, after she's born."
"After the birth? Honey, we need to set up the nursery…"
"NO!" she pushed him away. "No, we don't. All of this planning, it's too risky. We'll come home from the hospital to a baby shower, open up all kinds of baby gifts and…"
"And what, Gin? Set up the whole nursery that one night? We'll be too tired for that."
"We'll get a bassinet, and a changing table, a few baby sleepers, bottles and diapers… just the essentials, nothing else. No decorating, no stock piling. I just, I can't get my hopes up like that again."
"Gin, nothing is going to happen." He held her at arms' length, tilting her chin up to look him in the eye. "In eight months time, you will be holding your precious little girl in your arms, rocking her to sleep in her nursery at 3 am. I promise."
"Don't make promises you can't keep. You can't control everything, Harry. What if, what if it's not meant to be? What if you were right and Jaime…?"
He shook her hard, as though to shake the idea out of her head. "NO! Stop thinking like that! It's a new day, a new year, a new child. A new beginning. Come on, Gin, don't do this. Are you mad at me about the condoms? Is that it? Because I swear I never meant…"
Ginny shook her head, trying to maneuver out of his grasp. It was so strong it almost hurt. "I'm not mad at you, not really," she whispered softly. "It's not your fault the potion's only 90 something percent effective. We just got unlucky, that's all."
Harry kept quiet, not trusting himself to talk. If only she knew how wrong she was.
"I've got to meet my mother, I'm already late." She pulled away from him, walking quickly towards the fire place and disappeared in a swirl of emerald flames.