notes/warnings
+ more own-characters in this chapter. I promise that they will always take a back-seat to the canon characters, though. they're just here to help advance the plot.
Part Four
It's not a big deal.
Natsume is always sweet. He's the sort of person who goes out of his way to be kind to the downtrodden, the inept, and the lost. He talks about the young fox-spirit all the time, not because the spirit is special, but because Natsume is worried for him.
Okay, not all the time. But like, occasionally. Every few weeks or so. Taki probably just has a very generous definition of the phrase 'a lot'. Just like Kitamoto.
It's nice, though. It's undoubtedly nice that Natsume is still thinking of him and talking about him even when he's deliberately leaving Tanuma behind because Tanuma is too incompetent to help. It's more than nice and Tanuma suddenly wants to know the details, wants to know exactly what Natsume says about him.
But asking is hard. And Tanuma is an inherently patient person. And he's happy enough with the life he has, helping in the ways he can help. He has Natsume on the phone every other evening, and that's more than enough. What Natsume says to Tanuma is so much more important than what he says about Tanuma, and Tanuma should never forget that.
"Are you all right in there?" Tanuma's father calls, banging on the bathroom door. He worries so much. All the time.
"I'm fine!" Tanuma calls.
His father grunts an acknowledgement, and shuffles off down the hall. Tanuma examines his bare arm. The wound hasn't even begun to heal. He'll be out of action for another five days, at least.
Natori buys dinner, and Natsume reluctantly stays long enough to eat.
"The fish-spirit isn't in love with Natsume," Nyanko says, haughtily. "Obsessed, maybe. But beast spirits aren't capable of love. They're self-centred and narcisstic. Kind of like you."
"That's a lie," Hiiragi says, crisply. Nyanko rolls his eyes. Natsume doesn't bother finding out which particular statement she's replying to. He has too many other things on his mind.
"You've never heard of a healing spirit?" he asks Natori, with disbelief. "Not ever?"
Natori bites into a prawn cutlet and shakes his head.
"Never," he replies. "I've heard stories of olden-day healers, of course, but they were all purportedly human."
Natsume jerks in surprise.
"You think a human might be doing this?" he demands. It's not possible. People can't do things like that. Illnesses are illnesses. No human can just make them go away.
"Who knows? I'm not even sure any of those old stories were real," Natori says, thoughtfully.
"There was a rumour," Hiiragi pipes up. "A girl who used to live on the outskirts of Fukuoka. They said that people stopped getting sick after she arrived.
Natsume gets to his feet.
"What was her name? I'll go and find her."
He's going to get to the bottom of this, somehow.
"I don't know," Hiiragi tells him. "It was decades ago. She's probably dead."
"Oh," Natsume says, sagging. Natori laughs and pats his leg.
"What's gotten you so worried?" he asks, gently.
"I don't even like the thought of some human watching Touko and Taki," Natsume informs him, and he's only half-lying. "That's kind of creepy."
Natori gazes at him for a moment.
"That's right," he murmurs. "I forgot that you're more comfortable around spirits than you are around humans."
"That isn't true," Natsume insists. "I'm doing this for Tanuma."
"Your cute friend?" Natori asks, smiling indulgently, and Natsume has to fight off a strong and sudden temptation to punch him.
"Whoever they are, they need to heal him as well," Natsume says. "He's important."
"He's probably too sick for them to bother with," Natori theorises.
"That's what Teacher said," Natsume tells him. Nyanko is presently devouring the rest of the cutlets, like a round, white vacuum cleaner. Natsume wonders whether Tanuma is in pain right now. Whether he's suffering. "That's what Teacher says, and it isn't good enough."
Tanuma likes walking between classes. It's strangely peaceful, walking through the crowded hall, letting his mind go blank in preparation for the next bout of high-intensity learning.
Nobody ever talks to him. Usually.
Usually nobody suddenly drags him into disused storage cupboards, either.
"What's wrong?" Tanuma asks, as soon as he's gotten his bearings. Natsume is behaving unusually and Natsume looks upset and those two things alone are enough reason to be very, very worried.
Natsume snatches at Tanuma's wrist, holding it between his forefinger and thumb. His gaze is fixed on Tanuma's shoulder, where the bandages are making a little bulge under his shirtsleeve.
"You're still not better, are you?" Natsume asks, sadly.
"No," Tanuma replies, carefully. The wound is irritatingly slow to heal. He hopes it doesn't scar. Scars are troublesome.
Still, a scar won't stop him from doing what he can. For the world. For Natsume.
"I'm sorry," Natsume says, hoarsely. "I'm really sorry."
Tanuma tilts his head. There doesn't seem to be any immediate danger. Natsume just seems to be concerned for him.
"You don't need to be sorry," he says. "Really. You're-"
Natsume glances up suddenly, an uncharacteristically fierce expression on his face.
"You will get what you deserve," he says, dramatically. "I swear, I'll make sure you get what you deserve."
Natsume's voice is earnest, not threatening. He sounds like he honestly believes the world owes Tanuma something good. Touched, Tanuma reaches out and pushes Natsume's messy brown hair away from Natsume's face.
"It's okay," he says, softly. "Everything is okay."
Natsume leans in a little closer, and Tanuma is suddenly struck by just how pretty he is. His eyes are kind of the colour of caramel – proper caramel, not the stuff that Tanuma tried to make once and burned to a crisp – and his jaw is angular and fine. And his…lips are…
Natsume lifts his hand, and then hesitates, his fingers hovering an inch from Tanuma's chin. And Tanuma can't think, can't breathe, and certainly can't take his hand from Natsume's hair.
You are precious you are so precious you are so precious.
"Oy, Tanuma," someone says, and suddenly the cupboard is flooded with bright, artificial light.
Natsume jumps back like he's been burned, like he's been caught doing something bad. Tanuma scrubs a hand across his own face. Kitamoto is standing in the doorway, looking equal parts surprised and amused.
"What are you two doing in here, anyway?" he asks, grinning.
Natsume is staring at the ground with a horrified expression on his face, and Tanuma wants to take the pain from him and make him happy again.
"Why are you looking for people in cupboards?" Tanuma shoots back, more than a little annoyed at his classmate.
"Touche," Kitamoto replies. "Sasada said she'd seen you go in here earlier. I wanted to discuss homework with you before class."
Tanuma wants to comfort Natsume, but he can't. He's too weak and pathetic and boring, and maybe Natsume is more bothered by what he almost did than the fact that Kitamoto caught them.
Yeah, that's probably it.
"Fine," he says, pushing Kitamoto aside and stepping out into the hall, then holding the door for Natsume to do the same. "Ask away."
Later, Kitamoto apologises for interrupting them. Tanuma just stares at him until he changes the subject.
Natsume spends the rest of the day with his head down and his ears burning, terribly embarrassed. He eats lunch alone, avoids Taki, and hurries home quickly so that nobody can speak to him.
Shouldn't have done that.
Kitamoto is nice. Kitamoto probably won't tell anyone. But that doesn't change the fact that Natsume cornered his best friend in a storage closet. And very nearly assaulted him.
Shouldn't have done that.
Nyanko was right. Tanuma has become Natsume's whole world, to the point where Natsume is too smitten to even keep himself in check.
But he has to handle this, somehow. He has to stay in Tanuma's life, because he has to protect Tanuma from spirits and demons and any other sort of evil that Natsume can possibly fight.
Right now, Natsume feels like the most evil person in the world. He's never tried to take advantage of anyone before. And Tanuma is so nice, so gentle and polite, and Natsume feels disgusting and ugly just thinking about it. It didn't even feel bad, at the time. He was just worried and angry and scared and Tanuma was stroking his hair and god, Natsume still wants to touch him.
Shouldn't have done that.
Natsume wants to defend Tanuma forever. But he'll probably have to do that from a distance, now. Things will be awkward between him and Tanuma. Awkward at best. And they're both so bad at friendship. Natsume undid all of their hard work in a single moment, and that's the most depressing thought of all.
He doesn't need to kiss Tanuma's face. He just needs the talks, and the fistbumps, and the companionable silence. And now he's gone and ruined everything.
He should just stick to spirits. Natsume is good at dealing with spirits.
Maybe, if he just leaves Tanuma alone for a few months, things will be okay.
"What's wrong, Takashi?" Touko asks, worriedly. "You've barely touched your dinner."
"I ate a lot of food for lunch," Natsume lies. "I'm sorry."
Maybe Tanuma ought to get a girlfriend. Even if he and Taki don't work out, Sasada has been eyeing him off recently. He's only gotten more handsome as he's gotten taller.
Don't think about how handsome Tanuma is.
It was a stupid thing to do. If Tanuma hates him, then Natsume has nobody to blame but himself. And if Tanuma doesn't want to live with him, well, that's to be pretty much expected.
"Oh, is that all?" Touko asks, smiling. "I thought something was wrong."
Natsume loves her so, so much. The more he learns about humans, the bigger his heart seems to grow.
After dinner, Natsume helps clear the table and washes the dishes. He needs to try and preserve his relationship with Touko and Shigeru. He needs to learn from his mistakes, and not drive anyone else away.
Even if it's too late to salvage his friendship with Tanuma, he needs to keep trying with everyone else.
When Natsume finally gets tired enough to sleep, he heads upstairs. His phone is on the desk, screen glowing a soft blue. He has a voice message.
"Something happened, right?" Nyanko asks, irritatingly. "Did a spirit put a curse on you? Or did the shop run out of squid?"
He's been guessing all afternoon, but Natsume is too miserable to indulge him.
The message is from Tanuma. He has to listen to it. Even if it breaks his heart. Natsume puts the phone to his ear and holds his breath.
'Hi. I went to the store with my father today, and they had these amazing lurid yellow table mats. I think we should get some to clash with our table.'
The message ends, and Natsume stands numbly in the centre of his room, unable to move.
Tanuma is…talking about their table. Their apartment. Their living together, like it's still a certainty. Like there was never any doubt. Like nothing Natsume did today actually matters one bit.
Natsume feels so, so incredibly relieved that he actually bursts out laughing. His knees give out and he collapses on the floor and he keeps on laughing. He's been scared and resigned all day, and suddenly that is hilarious.
Tanuma isn't just a person in Natsume's life. He's a fixture. He's dependable. He seems to want to be a part of Natsume's universe, and that is completely amazing. Natsume wants to be with him forever.
He laughs until Nyanko starts hitting him. Until his ribs start hurting.
Then he calls Tanuma.
Natsume sounds ridiculously hopeful and uncomfortable at first, but the more Tanuma talks to him, the more relaxed he becomes.
I actually did it, Tanuma thinks, impressed. I actually managed to make things better for him.
They discuss tableware, and dinner, and mathematics, and Nishimura's probably-hopeless crush on Taki. Eventually Natsume stops forming proper syllables, and starts murmuring incoherently.
"Are you falling asleep?" Tanuma asks, grinning to himself. He can imagine Natsume, curled up in bed, cradling the phone loosely against his ear.
"Nn."
"I'll let you hang up," Tanuma says, and wonders idly when his life became so amazing.
Natsume wakes up with the phone pressed inconveniently up against his face. He's pretty sure he can hear Tanuma breathing on the other end of the line, but he doesn't get a chance to find out for sure, because someone reaches over him and disconnects the call.
"I thought you were going to sleep forever," they say, rudely.
Natsume freezes up. He tries to yell for Nyanko, but the intruder presses a hand over his mouth.
"Shh. It's just me."
It's Aoi, again. Natsume is getting mighty sick of her just showing up unannounced.
"What do you want?" he mutters, batting her hand away.
Aoi sits down on the floor beside him, and runs her fingers through her shiny blonde hair.
"Tell me about him," she says, gesturing towards the phone.
Natsume calms down a little. He can talk about Tanuma all day. Tanuma is his favourite topic of conversation.
"He's my best friend," he says, promptly. "Why do you want to know?"
"Is he precious to you?"
Natsume glares at her, suddenly angry.
"If you try to hurt him, I swear, I'll…I'll…"
He doesn't actually know how to threaten someone, but he damn well wants to try. He's pretty sure he could kill a spirit, if they harmed Tanuma. With his bare hands, if need be.
Aoi tips her head to the side, watching him intently.
"He is precious to you," she concludes. "Why? He's just an ordinary human. He's ugly, and he's weak."
"No, he isn't," Natsume insists. Tanuma is really handsome, and he'd be a lot stronger if he wasn't sick all the time. And Aoi's insults are just infantile and ridiculous. Tanuma is wonderful, and he makes Natsume happy. "We're going to move in together. We're going to buy a table."
"So that's how it is, huh?" Aoi says, sounding strangely angry. "That's all I needed to know."
She gets to her feet. Natsume feels a little bit panicked. What was it Nyanko had said? That beast spirits are often obsessive? If she is obsessed with him, then it's feasible that she might become jealous of his friends.
"Hey," he calls. "You had better not-"
"I won't go near him," she says, derisively. "I promise."
"Oh," Natsume says. "Uh. Okay."
Aoi disappears without another word. Natsume closes the window once she's gone. Just in case.
She's starting to make him feel uneasy.
For a few days, nothing happens. And yet, a thousand important things happen. Tanuma and Natsume have dozens of conversations. They brush elbows three times, and high-five twice. Natsume meets his eyes every time they pass in the hall. Natsume calls him every evening, and sometimes again in the morning. And just once, Natsume rolls up his sleeve and inspects the slowly-granulating wound, fingers ghosting over Tanuma's bare skin.
Natsume doesn't actually let Tanuma come along on his adventures, of course, so Tanuma usually walks home alone. Only, on the fourth day, he sees a girl waiting at the school gates. She's tall and thin and pretty, with long red hair, and she's wearing a uniform that he doesn't recognise. Tanuma wonders who she's waiting for.
It's not unusual, to have unfamiliar people lingering around the school. When he was younger, Tanuma used to idly fantasise that they might be spirits or ghosts. Not because he was frightened of them, but because he desperate wanted supernatural, otherworldly creatures in his life.
Now he knows, of course. They're just local kids from other schools, waiting for their friends. And the real spirits are invisible to him, nothing more than a headache and a glimmer in his peripheral vision.
Tanuma hurries down the stairs. He wants to catch up to Natsume and Taki. Sometimes he can walk partway home with them, if they're going in the right direction and Natsume doesn't have any spirits following him.
Sometimes, Taki is allowed to stay over at Natsume's house. Often Natsume will spend the whole afternoon with her, spirits or not.
Tanuma is never jealous of Natsume, but sometimes he's a little jealous of Taki. He knows she earned her position in Natsume's life on merit. He knows she's more useful, and kinder, and more personable than he is. Now that she's no longer cursed, she's really coming out of her shell. She's able to help Natsume forge relationships with other people. She's able to persuade spirits and bargain with exorcists.
So it's not her fault. But sometimes Tanuma gets sick of being very obviously the third wheel. Sometimes he wants to dig in his heels and say 'no' when Natsume asks him to leave. But he won't, because that would be selfish. And because Natsume is so, so important to him.
"Um," someone says, from just behind him. "Excuse me. Um."
Tanuma hesitates. It's the girl. She's talking to him.
Okay. He can talk to girls. It's not a problem. She's probably just lost, or something. Taki once told Tanuma that he looks less intimidating than a lot of the other guys at school, so it makes sense that she'd want to ask him for directions.
"What's wrong?" he asks, awkwardly.
"I'm supposed to meet my sister at the station," she tells him. Her eyes are a very pale shade of blue. Some of the other students are staring at her. "I thought it would be easy to find, but I got lost. Can you help me?"
"You're not from around here, huh?" Tanuma asks. The station is a fifteen minute walk away. He'll miss Natsume and Taki completely.
"My family only moved here a few days ago," she admits. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble. If you can just point me in the right direction, that would be enough."
It's early spring, but the afternoons still get dark quickly. Tanuma would hate for anything to happen to her.
Besides, he'll just be a burden if he goes with Natsume.
"I'll walk you there," he says, decisively. "Come on."
"Here's the charm I told you about," Taki says, proudly. "It will change colour if there's a sudden increase in spirit activity in the house."
"Thanks," Natsume replies, gratefully. It's not exactly ideal, but he's hardly likely to find a charm-that-tells-you-all-about-the-spirit-who-is-mysteriously-healing-your-family-and-friends-except-not-the-one-you-care-about-the-most.
And he's not going back to Natori for help. He tries to involve Natori as little as possible, especially now that he has Taki acting as his unofficial assistant.
Natsume lives in two separate worlds. The one with Taki and Natori and gods and monsters and danger and his grandmother's shadow. And the one with Touko and Shigeru and Tanuma. The soft, safe, sunshine-filled world that Natsume must defend. The world where one day, Natsume is going to buy a table.
He picks out Tanuma's form in the crowd of people rushing to leave the school. He and Taki are secreted away, hidden from view behind a few trees. People keep asking him if he's dating her, because they spend so much time together.
Natsume is lucky to have a friend like Taki. He's pretty sure that he loves Taki, even. He gets this awful feeling in the pit of his chest whenever something bad happens to her, and maybe that's love. But he doesn't want to kiss her. He would feel lonely and sad if she was the only other person in his life.
That is the principle difference between his feelings for Taki and his feelings for Tanuma. Natsume can't even think about loving Tanuma, because the feeling is terrifyingly huge. But he wants Tanuma there, all the time. Tanuma fills him with joy, fills up his whole life. Natsume could be with him forever.
Tanuma is currently talking to a girl. Natsume can tell by her silhouette that she's beautiful, really drop-dead gorgeous. And it's no surprise, really, because Tanuma is very good-looking, too. But it still makes Natsume feel small and inadequate.
Taki follows Natsume's line of vision.
"Oh," she says, surprised. "I haven't seen her before."
"Maybe she's from another school," Natsume replies, and forces a smile. "I'm glad. It's about time Tanuma took an interest in someone."
"Whatever you say," Taki tells him, but she's kind of looking at him like she thinks he's stupid.
The girl introduces herself as Hikari. She talks a lot about the weather, and her many sisters, and how nice the lake looks at this time of year. She's friendly and open, and Tanuma finds it easy enough to converse with her.
"Do you have any siblings?"
"No," Tanuma replies, shaking his head. "Just a father. But there's this girl at my school who is like a sister to me."
"That's nice," Hikari replies, with an encouraging smile. "It's amazing, the way people bond to each other, right?"
"Definitely."
When they get to the station, she bows and thanks him warmly. Tanuma feels good. He likes to help people. He likes to be useful.
He misses Natsume, though.
"I'm going to wait for you tomorrow, too."
Tanuma looks up in surprise.
"What?"
"I'm going to wait for you tomorrow, too," Hikari repeats. "You're the first nice person I've met in this town. You're my guide now, okay?"
It's the sort of presumptive talk that would be adorable if Natsume were saying it. But he isn't, and Tanuma feels kind of gobsmacked and lost.
"Okay," he says, dumbly.
"Great!" Hikari replies, and skips off.
tbc
a/n
+ thank you for reading