notes/warnings
+ er, roundabout discussion of boobs? this is clearly a very raunchy story, you guys.
Part Seven
"Hey, Tanuma?"
"Mm?"
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
It's a bizarre question, but Nishimura is kind of the king of bizarre questions. And at least he's not surreptitiously trying to extract information about Taki's phone number ('I don't know, I don't have it memorised,' Tanuma had replied), Taki's cup size ('she uses a medium sized mug,' Tanuma had said, 'but she drinks coffee from a small teacup'), or whether or not Taki is dating Natsume ('Sometimes I'm pretty convinced she's dating Ponta, actually').
Predictably, Nishimura doesn't actually wait for Tanuma to answer.
"I think I want to be a journalist."
Tanuma lifts his head. He, Nishimura, and Kitamoto are lying on the grassy hill near the lake. They're supposed to be examining the clouds together, but Tanuma is pretty sure Kitamoto is asleep.
"I thought you were going to study business," Tanuma tells him, "and live with Kitamoto."
"Nah," Nishimura says, brightly. "That was last month. Besides, Kitamoto's probably going to study medicine. His family wants him to be a doctor."
"Oh," Tanuma says, quietly. "It's just, you sounded so certain."
"We're teenagers," Nishimura says, cheerfully. "Nothing is certain, right? I like changing my plans. I don't want to get tied down to anything."
I do, Tanuma thinks, but he smiles and nods all the same.
Things go on much the same for a while. There's a sharp contrast between the different times of day. Natsume spends the mornings in a peaceful lull, surrounded by familiar people and classroom chatter. He spends his afternoons with his heart in his throat, fighting spirits or rescuing spirits or helping spirits, always working hard, always in danger.
He spends the evenings with his heart in his throat and his phone cradled against the side of his face, hanging on to Tanuma's every word.
But every day is not the same. Sometimes things go wrong. Hinoe comes to him because small and medium-sized spirits are starting to disappear from the forest. He and Nyanko search for days on end, but they don't find anything unusual.
Natsume spots the sickness-spirit when he's walking home from school one day. It doesn't see him, but he hears it chanting, over and over, Natsume Natsume Natsume.
Aoi was right. It is looking for him.
He sees it again at a festival, and has to duck suddenly behind a tree, which worries Touko. He sees it in the school grounds when he's walking with Tanuma, and he reacts violently, shoving Tanuma back into the building and pushing him up against the wall.
"What is it?" Tanuma asks. His voice is soft and sympathetic, like he's more concerned about Natsume's state of mind than his own life.
"It's nothing," Natsume says tensely. He has his hands on either side of Tanuma's ribcage. He's too scared for this to be awkward, too scared to bother with a more plausible lie. "Just stay here for a minute."
"Okay," Tanuma says, resting his chin on top of Natsume's head. "Tell me when it's safe."
Natsume feels his panic dull for a moment. Tanuma always makes everything better.
"I'll keep you safe," Natsume mumbles. "I swear."
"I want the two of you to be careful," Natsume tells them.
It's late in the afternoon and they're studying together in Taki's kitchen. Tanuma loves being with both of his friends. It's so rare that the three of them get to spend time together, what with Natsume constantly trying to send him home.
"Stay indoors as much as you can," Natsume continues. "There's a really bad spirit roaming around the neighbourhood."
It's vague, but it's still more than he usually deigns to tell Tanuma. This must be particularly nasty.
"And we're safe indoors?" Taki clarifies, tugging on her bangs.
"It doesn't seem to be able to enter houses yet," Ponta tells her.
He's sitting in his new favourite spot; on top of Tanuma's head. Since Tanuma's last growth spurt, Taki hasn't been able to reach him there.
"And we're going to stop it before it learns," Natsume says quietly. He reaches out and traces the chain around Tanuma's wrist with his forefinger.
"H-how are you g-going to do that?" Tanuma asks, stumbling over his words.
"I'm going to search for it," Natsume tells them.
Tanuma's happy, giddy mood evaporates instantly.
"You're going to put yourself in danger," he translates, miserably.
"It'll be fine," Natsume tells him briskly. "Taki, I want you to draw a circle around your entire house, so that you can see if anything comes close. Put another one just outside the gate. And-"
"You're going to put yourself in danger," Tanuma says, loudly. "Again!"
Natsume flinches, snatching his hand away like he's been burned. Taki meets Tanuma's eyes, and shakes her head. Tanuma ignores her. Natsume is his friend and the most important thing in his universe and Tanuma hates the idea that he might get hurt.
Or worse.
People can die quickly. People can die so quickly, and then there's nothing anyone can do. Tanuma wants to glue himself to Natsume's side. He wants to go into that world of spirits and adrenaline and vivid, vivid colour. He wants to prop Natsume up and buffer him from harm. He wants to be an actual, proper friend for once.
He wants Natsume to stop shoving him away.
He…he just wants Natsume to live. To be happy. That's all. If he could have that wish granted, even if he never got to be near Natsume ever again, it would be enough.
Tanuma is so scared. He's scared there's never going to be a table. He's scared that one day Natsume will just disappear and he won't even know when or how or why.
"I'm just doing what I have to do," Natsume explains, softly.
"Who says you have to do it?" Tanuma demands. "Why can't Ponta do it? Why can't you organise the other spirits to get rid of this one?"
"Hey, leave me out of this," Ponta says, infuriatingly.
"I can't," Natsume tells him. "I can't let spirits get hurt because of me, either."
"You shouldn't let yourself get hurt," Tanuma says, desperately. He's running out of words. He can't express how he feels, and Natsume is looking crestfallen and awful, and everything hurts. "You shouldn't…when you're out there…and we're here…and you say there's something terrible…"
"That's enough," Taki says, firmly.
"It is enough," Tanuma agrees, impossibly frustrated. "I'm…I'm going home."
Sometimes, everything is too much for him to deal with.
Sometimes, Natsume is too important.
Tanuma doesn't speak to Natsume for the entire weekend. Three times Natsume takes out his phone, dials Tanuma's number, and then cancels the call.
He can't do anything. He can't keep himself safe. The whole point of his life is to work with spirits and try to protect the people he cares about. And he wants to protect Tanuma more than anyone else.
He doesn't understand why Tanuma is angry. But he can't fix this. There isn't anything he can do.
Natsume spends the weekend at home. He doesn't go out with Kitamoto and Nishimura. He doesn't visit Taki. He doesn't even talk to Nyanko. He just stays at home, staring at the walls.
On Sunday afternoon, he stumbles across a picture of the green, plastic table in an old catalogue. It's yellowing and frayed around the edges, but Natsume takes it and sticks it to the wall inside his closet, anyway. Then he sits in there, with the door shut and his head on his knees, shaking quietly.
It was a stupid idea, anyway. It was such a stupid dream, and he knew that all along, but oh god he doesn't want to give it up.
On Sunday afternoon, Taki shows up unannounced.
"You need to talk to Natsume," she says, by way of greeting. "You can't just go on ignoring him."
Tanuma knows. He tries so hard not to trouble Natsume. He tries so hard to keep his thoughts to himself. But now that he's gone and said something, he has no idea what to do about it.
He doesn't want to just take it back. He is worried about Natsume. He hates the thought of his best friend and future…housemate being in so much danger all the time. He wants things to be better for Natsume. He wants Natsume to get the good life he deserves.
Can he say all of that?
"I worry for him too," Taki says, more quietly. "I know you're scared, and I know you're trying to be kind, but if you tell him how you feel, he'll just leave you behind."
"Behind?"
Taki shakes her head.
"He won't stop doing what he's doing. He'll just decide that he's bad for you, and block you out completely."
Tanuma groans and throws his head back.
"I know," he says. "But that means I can never ever say anything."
Their entire relationship is one giant failure at communication. And Tanuma wants to be able to talk to his friend. He's sick of staying silent.
"I'm sorry," Taki says, sympathetically. "I know it isn't fair. I feel the same way that you do."
Tanuma is pretty sure that last statement isn't true.
And when he sees Natsume at school the next day, he doesn't apologise for the things that he said, and he doesn't try to take the words back.
Tanuma still isn't talking to him, and everything is miserable.
On Thursday Natsume gets caught up trying to stop a leaf-spirit from possessing people in a nearby village. It's cold and raining and he walks to Tanuma's house afterwards, filled with doubt and uncertainty, trying desperately to think of something he can say to make everything okay again.
He just wants his friend back.
The house is still lit up, warm and inviting. Tanuma's father greets him cheerfully and calls for his son. Tanuma himself wanders over, looking exhausted and perhaps a little wary.
"Natsume," he says, quietly. "It's late. What are you doing here?"
"I…" Natsume begins, and then falters. "I…I don't…"
Tanuma sighs.
"You're soaking wet," he says. "It's late. We have leftovers in the fridge. Do you want to stay here?"
He still sounds a little distant.
"Yeah," Natsume replies.
Natsume is here.
Tanuma is glad. He likes having his friend under the same roof. He likes being able to look up and see Natsume whenever he wants. He likes knowing, for sure and certain, that Natsume is safe.
But Natsume is still fidgety and uncomfortable. He doesn't eat much, and he struggles to meet Tanuma's eyes. And Tanuma feels like a terrible person for making him wait this long. For getting angry and walking away and not explaining himself.
He knew. He knew at the very beginning that he couldn't defend Natsume. He knew Natsume would always go off alone, go off without him. Things are the way they are. Natsume is a hero, and heroes can't be weighed down by useless friends who want to come along for the ride.
Tanuma doesn't want Natsume to block him out.
Natsume takes a deep breath.
"Tanuma," he begins. "Tanuma, I-"
"I'm sorry," Tanuma says, cutting him off. He's staring at his hands, and not at Natsume. He looks a little ill. "I'm really sorry."
Natsume stops, unable to go on.
"Oh?" he says, weakly. He doesn't understand. Tanuma doesn't have a single thing to apologise for.
"I've been cold to you and Taki, and I've been in such a bad mood," Tanuma continues. "It's not your fault. I shouldn't be so grumpy."
"It's okay," Natsume replies quickly, wanting to give something back. "It's okay. I mean. I used to have bad moods all the time."
"You?" Tanuma says, disbelievingly. "I can't imagine that."
"It's definitely true."
Natsume wants to apologise as well, but he can't. He's not sorry for what he does. He's not sorry for protecting Tanuma. There still isn't anything he can do or say to make this better.
Things still aren't right between them, even after that awkward conversation. Tanuma does his chores in silence and Natsume tries to help. And then Tanuma just goes and stands on the porch, staring into the night. And Natsume goes over to him, because he always wants to be with Tanuma, no matter what.
"Tell me something else about the table," he says softly, feeling pathetic and small.
"It has sharp edges underneath," Tanuma says, promptly, like even during this less-than-pleasant time there was never any doubt. "Where the plastic hasn't been properly smoothed. So it cuts into our knees."
"Nn," Natsume says, briefly closing his eyes. "Of course."
Tanuma watches him for a moment, and then grins and slings his arm over Natsume's shoulders.
"It only cuts into my knees," he corrects. "You don't have the same problem, because you're short."
Natsume twists a little, trying to get his own arm around Tanuma in return. He's missed these moments so much, but he's awkward and clumsy and ends up elbowing Tanuma in the ribs.
"Ow."
"I'm sorry!" Natsume burbles, ducking his head and backing away. "I'm sorry. I didn't-"
"It's fine," Tanuma says, gently. He puts his hand on Natsume's shoulder. "Come on. It's ten o'clock. We should be asleep."
The next day at school, Tanuma holds his fist out to Natsume in the hall. Natsume taps it with his knuckles and then grins fiercely.
It's hard to be in a bad mood after that.
For a while, nothing bad happens. Natsume tries to fill in all the spaces in his life with Tanuma. Everything that isn't sleeping or class or spirits. He stays over at Tanuma's every other night, until Touko stops mentioning Taki and starts pointedly telling Natsume that Tanuma is a lovely boy.
Hikari doesn't come back. Natsume doesn't see the sickness spirit again. He hears rumours, but he's learned that spirit gossip is often as empty as human gossip, and he pays them no mind.
tbc
a/n
+ thank you for reading.
+ next chapter may be a little later than usual.