notes/warnings

+ talk of illnesses

Part Nine

For five whole minutes, nothing happens. Tanuma stands in the kitchen, staring at the wall and considering the merits of sneaking outside and trying to eavesdrop.

Because the thing is, if his friends might be hurt, then he needs to know. He's the only one who can help them.

"Oy!"

Ponta appears outside the window suddenly, and Tanuma jumps back in shock.

"Argh!"

"Be quiet," Ponta snaps, sounding oddly stressed. "We don't have much time. I have other things I need to tend to."

Tanuma folds his arms irritably.

"So, why are you here?"

"A spirit put a curse on Natsume and Taki," Ponta says, soberly. "They'll be killed within one day, unless they can find the Emukae healer."

"Healer?" Tanuma echoes, perplexed.

Wait, a curse? They'll be killed?

"Don't act stupid with me," Ponta snaps. "They're looking for the reason all those Emukae children didn't die of pneumonia ten years ago. They think your father has healing powers, since he was the priest at the time."

And suddenly, Tanuma understands. Oh god, he understands. That time has finally come back to haunt him. He can't let his friends die. Not today. Not ever. And even if he sacrificed himself, he'd only be able to save one of them.

But what should Tanuma do? His father isn't going to be able to help Taki and Natsume. And if Tanuma goes and tells them the truth, then Natsume will never trust him again.

It's an easy decision, of course. Natsume ignoring him is a thousand million times better than Natsume and Taki being killed. It's an easy decision, but it's not one he thought he'd ever have to make.

"It's…it's okay" he says, tremulously. "It's okay, Ponta. No matter what happens, I won't let my friends die."

"I know," Ponta replies.

"Mr Tanuma," Natsume says, slowly. "Do you remember the first time we met?"

Tanuma's father shuffles a little closer.

"What is this about, Takashi?" he asks, quietly. "You came here in too much of a rush to be seeking conversation."

Tanuma's father is the only adult that Natsume has ever talked to about spirits. Their conversation was vague, and Natsume didn't confess to anything in particular, but now he might not have any choice.

"You purified the area," Natsume says, carefully. "I was wondering…I need to know if you have any special…abilities."

This could all end horribly. If Natsume does too many strange things, people will start to talk. People will start avoiding him and making fun of him again. It will be just like every other time in his life.

No.

No, it won't be the same. He has friends. Two people in the world who know his secrets and support him anyway. He is so, so incredibly lucky.

He has to protect them at all costs.

Tanuma's father seems to grow sterner. He frowns and folds his arms.

"Why do you ask?"

All Natsume needs to know is that Tanuma's father healed those children. Then he can leave the spirit to its devices and…

…no, he can't do that. He can't leave Kuro if Kuro is going to try and come into Tanuma's house. Natsume can't allow that.

What on earth is he going to do?

"What happened in the Emukae village?" Taki asks, abruptly. "Was it some sort of miracle?"

Tanuma's father glances at her, and then at Natsume.

"Is that what this is about?" he asks, coldly.

"I heard a rumour that you have healing powers," Natsume says, feebly. "That's not true, is it?"

For a moment, nobody says a word. Tanuma's father looks genuinely angry.

"I want you to leave," he says, hoarsely. "Right now."

"But-"

"I will show you to the gate," he continues, brushing Taki's protest aside. "In the future, I would recommend that you don't listen to rumours."

"So it isn't true?" Taki says, quickly.

"This conversation is over," Tanuma's father tells her.

And just like that, there is nothing they can do.

Tanuma watches his father usher Natsume and Taki out onto the footpath. He watches his friends disappear from sight, and then hurries out to meet his father.

"What was that about?" he asks, quietly.

"Nothing," his father replies, curtly.

Tanuma frowns.

"They wanted to know what happened at the Emukae village."

He watches the colour drain from his father's face. They don't talk about this sort of thing. Not today. Not ever.

"You were listening."

"I overheard," Tanuma corrects.

His father rests one clenched fist on top of the fence.

"Go back inside, Kaname," he says, wearily. "It's getting late."

Tanuma doesn't move.

"My friends need help," he says, stubbornly.

"Nobody ever seeks a healer for a good reason," his father grits.

"That's a lie," Tanuma tells him, and he can't believe they're actually discussing this. "Natsume Takashi doesn't do anything without a good reason."

"Go back inside, Kaname."

There is panic in his father's voice. Tanuma has never told anyone before. Nobody has ever said the word 'healer' out loud, just like nobody ever talks about the way his mother really died.

Suddenly, and unexpectedly, and just one month after his father was given a few weeks to live. Days after his father miraculously got better.

Tanuma cannot let anything bad happen to his precious friends. He doesn't have to tell them the whole truth. He just has to tell them enough.

"Not yet," he says, pushing past his father. "I need to make sure Natsume and Taki are okay."

Tanuma's father bows his head. Tanuma cannot begin to imagine what he's feeling. It had never occurred to him that something like this might happen.

"I should be back in time for dinner," he adds, and then chases after his friends.

"What will we do now?" Taki wonders.

"Technically, you've fulfilled your promise," Nyanko points out. "Hey, weakling. They found you the Emukae priest. Now lift the curse and go away."

"No way," Kuro growls. "He wasn't a healer. I need to find a healer, and you're going to help me."

"We won't be much use," Natsume informs him. "We'll die tomorrow, remember?"

"If we don't find a healer by tomorrow, it will be too late," Kuro says, sounding suddenly miserable. "I can't let that happen. You have to try."

"Hey, wait up," somebody calls from behind them, and then suddenly Tanuma is right there, right next to Natsume, flushed and panting like he's run all the way from his house.

Natsume feels a rush of happiness, closely followed by a wave of fear. No. This isn't what he wanted at all.

"Tanuma," he begins, softly.

"Who's this?" Kuro demands. "Another human?"

"Tanuma, this person is a spirit," Natsume says, urgently. "I need you to go back home."

"I overheard what you said to my father," Tanuma says to Kuro. "I'm sorry. I know what you're looking for."

"Then, I'll curse you too," Kuro says, decisively. "You can help us."

"No!" Natsume shouts, panicked and furious.

"If you curse me, then I won't help you," Tanuma says, sounding surprisingly calm. "I came here because I know something and I wanted to tell you. But first, you have to tell me why you want to find the healer."

If Tanuma knows something, then his father must be the healer. Natsume grinds his teeth, terribly worried. He can't let Taki die, but he desperately doesn't want Tanuma to get involved, either.

Kuro lowers his hands, then reaches into his pocket and produces a creased, worn-looking photograph.

"Who are they?" Taki asks, peering over his shoulder.

"Those two boys are my friends," Kuro says simply, sounding very young. "They…they don't know what I am, but we used to play together. But now the younger boy is sick with pneumonia and in hospital and they say he's going to d-die."

"So that's what this is about," Natsume says, quietly.

Tanuma crouches down so that his eyes are level with Kuro's, and studies the photograph carefully.

"What's his name?" he asks, gently.

"Shibuimaru Kenji," Kuro replies. "And I'm going to make sure he gets better, no matter what."

"Geeze," Nyanko interjects. "Getting attached to humans is such a pain."

"Lucky you'd never do anything crazy like that," Tanuma intones, and then touches Kuro's shoulder. "Thanks for explaining things to me, little spirit."

Natsume manages to push between the spirit and Tanuma, and rests his palm on Tanuma's chest.

"Please keep your distance," he requests, quietly.

Tanuma touches the back of his hand.

"Understood," Tanuma replies.

"So?" Taki asks, putting her hands on her hips. "Is your father a healer, or not? Because if he's not, then we're wasting our time here."

Kuro stares at Tanuma with this ridiculously hopeful expression on his face. He must really love this Shibuimaru boy.

Everything always comes down to love, doesn't it?

"He's not," Tanuma chokes. "I'm sorry."

Tanuma's heart is pounding against his ribs. He's never done this before. He's never told anyone before. It was always something he did and never something he spoke about, until he was playing the same game as his father and pretending it wasn't even happening.

Natsume's hand is warm against his chest. He doesn't want this moment to end. He doesn't want his friends to stop trusting him.

"I hate you!" Kuro yells. "If you can't help us, then just go away!"

"My father wants to be able to heal people," Tanuma murmurs, toeing the ground. "I know he does. When that illness first spread to the Emukae village, and children started dying, he stopped sleeping. He didn't rest for weeks."

"Kenji has the same sickness," Kuro says, sullenly. "Your doctors said so. Should I believe them, or are all humans incompetent?"

Tanuma tries not to grimace, tries not to remember how hard it was, and how much everything hurt, all the time.

It won't hurt this time. If it's the same illness, it shouldn't hurt a near-adult like him.

"We should go," Natsume suggests. "We shouldn't be making you relive bad memories. And I need to save Taki before we run out of time."

Tanuma addresses Kuro, because it's easier than looking at Natsume.

"If Kenji gets better, you'll let my friends go, right?" he says, carefully.

Kuro eyes him warily.

"Yes," he says. "I promised."

"Tanuma?" Natsume ventures. "I thought you said your father couldn't-"

"He can't," Tanuma interrupts, feeling sick. "I can."

Natsume laughs out loud, because the idea is ridiculous.

"You can't be," he points out. "We would know if you were."

Tanuma gives him this oddly nervous look and then turns back to Kuro.

"Remove the curse," he says, firmly.

Kuro nods, wide-eyed. A moment later, the mark disappears from Natsume's hand. When he checks over his shoulder, Taki's hand is clear, too.

He gets it. Tanuma is clever. He's convinced the spirit and gotten the curse lifted. Now they can all go home, and Kuro can find a real healer, somehow.

"How do you do it?" Kuro asks, eagerly.

"He can't do it," Natsume explains. "He's not a healer."

This isn't right. They should be running away now.

"Natsume," Taki says, worriedly.

"I am a healer," Tanuma murmurs, without looking at him.

"No," Natsume says, because this is getting stupid now. This is getting stupid and he's starting to feel uneasy. "No, we have a proper healer who's been healing us. For like, ages."

"A healer who has been healing you and not me," Tanuma says. He clasps his hands in front of his face and closes his eyes. "Because I can't heal myself."

That…actually makes a lot of sense. Taki touches Natsume's arm, but he ignores her.

"You would have told me," he repeats, weakly. He and Tanuma don't have secrets.

Well, Natsume has secrets. But they're important ones. Those secrets exist to protect people. And that's how their relationship works. Natsume is the one who protects people.

Tanuma doesn't answer for a moment. He looks like he's concentrating on something. Then he opens his eyes and gets to his feet.

"Go and see your friend," he says to Kuro.

Kuro beams at him, suddenly reminiscent of the young fox spirit that Natsume befriended last year.

"Thank you!" he says, and promptly disappears.

"Tanuma," Natsume says, shakily. "Tanuma, you-"

"I'm sorry," Tanuma says, softly, bowing his head. "Natsume. Taki. I'm really sorry. I never told you. I never told anyone. It was always my secret. But I couldn't bear the thought of the two of you suffering, when I could do something about it."

"It should have occurred to us," Taki says, smiling a little.

"No," Natsume says, reeling. "No. You can't…you shouldn't…"

"I'm sorry," Tanuma repeats. "I knew you probably wouldn't want to talk to me if you ever found out. And I wanted us to still be friends."

Natsume doesn't know what to say or what to do. Tanuma has powers, and that's not okay. Tanuma has powers that could allow people to use him, that might tempt spirits to be near him.

Tanuma has…

"Does it hurt you?" he demands. "Does healing cost you anything?"

Tanuma tilts his head. Natsume looks somewhere between 'furious' and 'about to cry', and he wishes he could take that pain away as easily as he can remedy an injury. He wishes he'd never had to do this.

He wanted more time. He wanted that apartment.

He wants Natsume to forgive him someday.

"No," he lies. "Sometimes I get a bit tired, and I can't always heal everyone that I want, but that's all."

Natsume nods once, and then scrubs his hand over his face.

"Right," he mumbles. "I see. I, um. I have to go."

He turns and walks off without another word.

Somehow, it's even worse than Tanuma had anticipated.

Natsume doesn't leave his room to eat dinner, and he ignores the spirits that tap on his window. He can't deal with anything else today.

"Did you know?" he asks Nyanko.

"It had crossed my mind," Nyanko says, offhandedly. "But what do I care about the affairs of humans?"

"I wish you had told me," Natsume says, staring at the ceiling. "I wish he had told me."

"Why would he tell you anything?" Nyanko asks. "You've just proven to him that you make a big deal and get angry when he shares his secrets."

"He's not supposed to keep things from me," Natsume says. "We're supposed to be friends. We're supposed to get-"

"If you start talking about the damn table again, I'm going to leave the room," Nyanko warns him.

"Green," Natsume murmurs. "With a line down the middle. And soy sauce stains, and…and everything."

"So call him, and tell him you overreacted," Nyanko suggests.

All this time, Natsume thought he was protecting Tanuma. But Tanuma was protecting him, instead. Tanuma is stronger than he is. No matter what happens to Natsume, Tanuma can always heal him.

That certainty is terrifying. Natsume doesn't know what to do.

"No," he whispers. "Not yet."

Natsume doesn't talk to him the next day at school, or the day after that, either. He doesn't exactly ignore Tanuma, but their paths don't cross and they don't talk on the phone and nobody asks him about any tables.

Tanuma wonders if Natsume is deliberately hiding from him. If he's trying to stop Tanuma from healing him, on top of everything else.

It won't work. Tanuma can heal Natsume whenever he wants. He could do it every few seconds, if he chose. He can heal people while they're on the opposite side of the world. Nothing can stop him.

Besides, it's more likely that Natsume is just angry with him.

At lunchtime, Natsume passes him with nothing more than a glance and a cursory, halfhearted wave. But he stops a few feet away to talk to Kitamoto, smiling like nothing is wrong.

Tanuma feels awful.

tbc

a/n

+ thank you for reading

+ I don't know whether I'll get to update next week, as I'll be travelling around a lot. if I don't manage it, will update the week after.