notes/warnings
+ no warnings for this chapter.
Part Ten
Natsume dodges Nyanko's welcome-home pounce and Touko's worried questions, muttering something about having a lot of homework to do.
He hates that Tanuma makes him feel so bad. He hates that suddenly he has something so important in his life that he can't even appreciate the Fujiwaras.
Natsume stops mid-step, and considers this carefully.
Gosh, he's so lucky.
He's got a nearly-proper family and a guardian who might never leave him ever, and actual friends at school, and Tanuma.
Tanuma, who is a healer.
And that's the problem really, isn't it? Natsume cares for him so very, very deeply, that the secrecy actually hurts. Natsume thought they were closer than that. He'd thought that maybe their future together was a given.
Aoi is sitting on his desk, with her arms and legs folded.
"You're sad," she observes, as soon as Natsume steps into the room.
"Please go away," Natsume says, flatly. He closes the door behind him, and sets Nyanko down on the floor.
Aoi grabs his wrist.
"I'll go away, then," she says, determinedly. "But there must be something I can do for you. I could…I could buy you human food."
"I have human food here," Natsume points out, fighting the urge to roll his eyes.
"Didn't I do a good job of keeping the racoon away?" Aoi presses. "I stayed here and guarded the house until you came back, just like you asked!"
Natsume groans. Clearly she isn't going to leave him alone unless he thinks of something for her to do.
And. Well, actually, there is something she can do.
"You can watch over Tanuma for me," he suggests. "You aren't allowed to go near him, though. You have to stay at least ten feet away."
"I hate Tanuma," Aoi says, emphatically.
"Then you are evil," Natsume pronounces. "T-Tanuma is the nicest…the b-best…the most gentle…"
Natsume tastes saltwater, and realises he's crying. Awkwardly, Aoi reaches out and touches his arm.
"Okay," she says, hurriedly. "I'll go and watch him, then. Just… just stop being sad."
"Thank you," Natsume says, genuinely grateful. "Please report back to me tomorrow morning."
He wants Tanuma to be safe. He wants this week to never have happened. He wants everything, and he has no idea what to do.
Something new is casting a shadow over the pond. Something tall and human-looking. Tanuma fancies that it's a mermaid.
He wishes that Natsume was here, so that Tanuma could ask about it.
Before Tanuma met Natsume, the spirit world was kind of a frightening place. Tanuma used to see strange things, sometimes. Frightening things with no head or too many legs or massive fangs. Frightening things that nobody else could see, that only seemed to exist in his peripheral vision.
But then Natsume came along, with his soft smile and his huge heart, and made everything okay.
No matter what happens, Tanuma will always heal him. Tanuma will never let him die.
This is what his father was afraid of, isn't it?
"Hi-iii!" someone says, appearing suddenly right on the porch next to Tanuma.
"Little racoon spirit," Tanuma says, forcing a smile. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to thank you," the spirit tells him. "Kenji is fine now, and I'm so happy. And I wanted to repay you. Hinoe from the forest says that healers always have to pay. So I want to give back whatever it cost you."
Tanuma freezes for a moment. Then he steels himself, and tries to sound as friendly as possible.
"There is something that you can do for me," he says, thoughtfully.
"I knew it!" the spirit says, bouncing around. "Hey, I'm pretty sure I can make humans fall in love with other humans, if you want. That girl that you were with-"
"No, don't ever do that," Tanuma interrupts, horrified. "That is never okay."
"Aww, fine. What do you want, then?"
"I want you," Tanuma enunciates, "to keep my secret."
"Huh? That doesn't sound like much of a favour."
"It's a favour, because it means a lot to me," Tanuma explains. "Imagine if all of your spirit friends found out about me. How many of them would want me to heal people? I'd be worn out. So…don't tell anyone. About the healing thing, or the paying thing."
"Understood," the spirit replies, saluting. "Thank you very much."
"No problem," Tanuma replies. It's kind of amazing to actually be thanked. He's used to people attributing his work to miracles and priests and gods and sheer good luck.
"Oh, by the way, there's a fish spirit hanging around. Do you want me to get rid of her?"
"In the pond?" Tanuma asks, unsurprised.
"Yeah," the spirit confirms, pointing. "How did you know?"
"A lucky guess," Tanuma tells him. "But leave her alone. I'm going inside now, anyway."
"Right," the spirit says. "No problem. Goodbye, Mr Tanuma!"
Tanuma closes the door and rests his head against it, his temporary pleasant mood already vanishing.
Natsume wakes up to find Aoi standing on his pillow.
"You look really nice when you're asleep," she tells him.
Natsume groans and sits up.
"How is he?" he asks, groggily rubbing his eyes.
It kind of hurts to say Tanuma's name.
"He's fine," Aoi reports. "He mostly sat around looking miserable. I'm pretty sure he said something to that old man he lives with. Oh, and that racoon spirit went to him, but then it went away again."
"Kuro?" Natsume asks, wide awake. "Kuro went to Tanuma? What did he want?"
"To thank him or something. I dunno. It's hard to make out conversation when you have to stay ten feet away," Aoi informs him, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Still, I need to make sure spirits stay away from him," Natsume says, worriedly. "He's more vulnerable now than he was before."
"Would it help if I said he misses you?" Aoi asks. "Because he misses you."
"I'm sure he doesn't," Natsume replies. But he hopes. Oh god, he hopes.
Taki sits with Tanuma before school. She keeps fidgeting with the strap of her bag, like she has something on her mind.
"Just say it," Tanuma suggests, too exhausted to be polite. "If you're angry at me, just say so."
"Actually," Taki says softly, "I wanted to thank you. You've healed me so many times, and I never even realised. There's a lot of pain and suffering that I never had to feel because of you."
"It's nothing," Tanuma replies. "It's what I do. But I'd rather not discuss it in a public place."
"Right," Taki says. "But I was thinking last night. You're pretty much the best friend that I have."
Tanuma stares at her.
"Thanks," he says, after a moment.
Privately, he thinks that Natsume should be her best friend. He's far more precious and noble than Tanuma. But it's not his place to say so.
"Natsume still isn't speaking to you, huh?" Taki asks. "I'm kind of surprised."
"I don't want to talk about that, either," Tanuma tells her, choking on the words.
"I have to say, I can't wait until you two move in together," Taki continues. "At least then some of this awful uncertainty will disappear and you'll both be able to be happy."
"What?" Tanuma says, suddenly dizzy. "You can't say that! You can't say it like it's definitely going to happen. Don't…don't say that to me now."
"Sorry," Taki says, promptly.
She doesn't comment when Tanuma wipes at his eyes a moment later.
Natsume sees Tanuma when he's walking to his third class. The hallway is crowded, but Tanuma is looking right at him.
He's wearing a soft, worn-out shirt, and his hair is more of a mess than usual. He also looks really upset, and it occurs to Natsume suddenly that his current attitude isn't sustainable. He needs to be able to look after Tanuma. He needs to be able to comfort him and take care of him, secrets or no secrets.
It's not like Natsume has told him about the book of friends.
When Natsume gets close, Tanuma holds out his fist. He has a desperately sad expression on his face. Like he knows he's doomed to fail. Like he's trying anyway. Like Natsume is just that valuable.
Aoi wasn't lying, Natsume thinks, as he walks by.
Tanuma missed him. Okay. It's not like the most important thing in the…
No, it's the most important thing in the world.
Dazed, Natsume turns on his heel, with only the vaguest of plans in his head. Because this time, he's the one who is angry, and he's the one who's been doing all the avoiding and ignoring.
He's the one who can fix this.
Tanuma could lie about everything every second of his life, and Natsume would still love him.
Tanuma lets his fist drop back to his side, his lower lip trembling. Natsume marches up to him, grabs his wrist and tugs hard, dragging Tanuma off-balance just long enough for Natsume to get both his arms around Tanuma's shoulders and hold on tightly.
For a moment Tanuma cannot move, is immobilised by shock. Natsume is warm and smells the way he always smells, like summer and soap and the Fujiwaras' house.
Tanuma was so scared they'd never even have a proper conversation again, and now Natsume is hugging him in the middle of the crowded hallway, in the middle of school, in the middle of the day.
He doesn't understand, but that really, really doesn't matter right now.
Tanuma crosses his arms over Natsume's back and pulls him closer. People are watching them. He wonders if he's being forgiven.
"Hi," Natsume says, quietly and awkwardly, like this is difficult for him.
"Hi," Tanuma replies, against the side of Natsume's face. "Listen. I'm really sorry."
"It's okay," Natsume says, quickly, smoothing Tanuma's shirt.
Tanuma sort of wants to cry. He wants to have a breakdown right here, with Natsume hanging onto him, in this place where he is completely safe.
"But," he says hoarsely, "I didn't-"
"It's okay."
It's okay.
He is being forgiven. Even though he hasn't done a damn thing to deserve it.
"Okay," Tanuma says, softly. "Thank you."
"Hey!" Sasada says, from right behind Tanuma. "Stop fooling around, Natsume. You're going to be late to class."
And this could be horrible, like that time in the storage closet, but nothing happens at all. Natsume doesn't move. His embrace doesn't weaken. Tanuma feels like he's won something.
Like he's won everything.
"In a minute," Natsume tells her brightly, like there's no hurry at all.
After that, the rest of the day is fine. Natsume sits through his classes in a daze, perfectly happy with the state of the world. He ignores the people staring at him, and the murmurs, the unnecessary remarks. He ignores Sasada questioning the nature of his relationship with Tanuma.
He's not questioning any more. They are friends. They are going to be okay.
Natsume will do everything he can to make sure that they are okay.
He visits Tanuma after school. They sit outside on the porch, and drink iced tea. Tanuma's father greets Natsume normally, as if last week never happened.
Natsume still doesn't understand why he was so hostile.
"Does your father know?" he queries.
It occurs to him suddenly that maybe Tanuma's father is frightened of his own son. That maybe Tanuma's life mirrors Natsume's own. The life of a freak. The life of someone with powers. The life of a person who doesn't belong.
If that is true, then Natsume will defend Tanuma from everyone. He'll make sure Tanuma is always comfortable. He'll find a way, somehow.
"Yes," Tanuma replies. "He worries about me a lot. He doesn't like me healing people."
Worry is not the same as fear. Natsume relaxes a little.
"He wants you to be normal?"
Tanuma smiles weakly.
"I think he worries that otherwise, I'll be unhappy," he says. His voice is strained, like this conversation is difficult for him.
"But you're not unhappy?" Natsume questions.
"I'm not unhappy," Tanuma tells him. "I like being able to help my friends."
"Ah," Natsume replies. He completely understands.
And as long as Tanuma's protecting people isn't costing Tanuma anything, he will be okay with it. Health is a gift that Natsume cannot repay, and that is distinctly problematic, but he wants Tanuma to be happy. He wants Tanuma to be happy, and he wants Tanuma to be okay, and he wants Tanuma to stay near him.
The world is so complicated. People are so complicated. Friendship is so complicated.
People are so precious.
"Natsume?" Tanuma asks, sounding tired.
"Yes?"
"Tell me about it."
Natsume frowns.
"About what?"
Tanuma hunches forward, like he doesn't even have the energy to sit properly.
"About the table," he clarifies, his voice barely a whisper.
Natsume hesitates. Tanuma has never asked him this before. It was always Natsume doing the asking.
What does this mean? That Tanuma wants to be reassured? That their friendship actually has changed?
That they're really going to do it, this thing where they live together and Natsume never has to worry, never has to feel alone?
Natsume can't think of a single thing to say. The table never feels real, except when Tanuma is talking about it. It seems like this wonderful, impossible, beloved thing. Like it's something he'll never actually have, but always want.
The table is like Tanuma, in a lot of ways.
"I don't know," Natsume admits.
"Ah," Tanuma replies, struggling to his feet. "Right. Of course. I should, um. I should go and get some more tea."
Natsume panics, vaguely aware that he's making some sort of mistake.
"There are cobwebs," he says, which is ridiculous, because nobody actually has cobwebs on their table, no matter how slovenly they might be. "Underneath. Where the legs join the top. Old cobwebs, without spiders. We'll…we'll clean them off one day. With rags."
Tanuma gives him a tiny smile. Natsume meets his eyes, and Tanuma's smile grows and grows until it is huge, until he looks like sunshine personified. Natsume wants to touch his face.
"Yes," Tanuma says, emphatically. "Yes, we will."
The next day, the sickness spirit passes Natsume's house, wandering right up underneath his window. It's bigger than Natsume remembers, with long fangs and more flagellae than before.
He hears it mutter his name. Nyanko hisses quietly and presses himself to the back of Natsume's leg.
Natsume doesn't leave his room for half an hour.
This isn't over yet.
tbc
a/n:
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