notes/warnings
+ sorry this fic went so long without updating. my real life has calmed down a bit now, and I've got my inspiration back for this fic so hopefully I can continue it all the way to the end before my inspiration fails again.
+ warning for more stuff happening. the next few chapters are going to be more plotty than fluffy.
Part Fifteen
"Tanuma," Natsume says, very slowly and clearly. "Is this true?"
"We don't have time for this argument," Ponta growls, his voice deep and strange in this form. "We have to go, Natsume. Timing is very important."
Natsume doesn't look at him. He stares at Tanuma, his expression somewhere between horrified and desperate.
Tanuma is actually the worst person in the world.
What have I done?
He should never have tried to heal Taki today. It's become almost a compulsion for him. He can't not heal people.
And now he's ruined everything.
"Yes," he says, very quietly.
"Oh no," Taki breathes, just as quietly.
Natsume doesn't speak at all. He looks destroyed, face grey, one hand over his mouth.
Tanuma would have preferred it if he'd yelled. If he'd called Tanuma a liar and a terrible friend and all the other things that Tanuma is and always has been.
Taki touches Natsume's shoulder. She's obviously reeling, but she's managing to support him all the same. She is an amazing friend, and Tanuma never deserved her, never deserved anyone.
And Aoi is here, too, hovering in the background. Tanuma isn't sure when she arrived. He doesn't even deserve her, and she's barely an acquaintance.
"Come on," Ponta urges. "We need to have this conversation later."
"We need," Natsume says faintly, finally looking away from Tanuma. "We need to find a third person to help us with this task."
Tanuma closes his eyes. This is it. This is the part where he is shut out forever, everything destroyed.
Natsume can hardly think. He can't process anything.
All those times, when I was hurt.
All that pain and suffering.
The one person I wanted to protect, above anyone else.
"It's too late to find anyone else," Taki says, softly.
Natsume stares at her.
"Please understand," he implores, desperately. "If anything happens to any of us out there today. If anyone gets hurt or…or… or worse, then it will be him."
"Were either of you planning on dying?" Tanuma asks loudly, sounding terrified.
And Natsume can't handle this. All he ever wanted was to protect his friends. All he ever wanted was to rent a flat with Tanuma in it and come home to him safe every night and Tanuma has never been safe and he's never going to be safe and Natsume should never be near him again.
Natsume wants to touch him. Wants to hold on to Tanuma while he still can. But he can't, ever, because he is the most dangerous thing in the world. Natsume attracts danger, and danger is certain death to an empathetic healer.
Death.
Tanuma.
No. Natsume will do anything to stop that from happening. And it should be worth it, to know that somewhere in the world, Tanuma is safe.
Will never be safe.
But safer than when he's with me.
"Please don't fight," Taki begs them. "Please don't either of you sacrifice yourselves. Please."
Natsume turns back to her, unable to even look at Tanuma.
"Who else can we call?" he asks her. "Do you know anyone at all who has weak spiritual ability."
"It's too late for that, you stupid human," Nyanko snaps.
"Shut up," Natsume yells at him. "Shut up, I'm not putting my friends in danger!"
"If you're not putting anyone in danger," Tanuma murmurs, "then there's no reason I can't come along."
Tanuma is challenging him. Actually challenging him.
Everything is falling apart.
As long as Tanuma is around, Natsume can't sacrifice himself for anyone, no matter how much they need it. Because Tanuma always heals him.
"We really do need to go," Aoi chimes in, suddenly. Natsume hadn't even realised she'd arrived. "And you need Tanuma. You have to stop the sickness spirit, otherwise it will destroy everyone."
"Hi," Taki greets warmly, like everything is fine.
"Hi," Aoi replies. Their conversation is background noise, barely audible over the terrible pounding inside Natsume's brain.
Everyone has to live.
We have to do this.
Natsume grabs Aoi's hand roughly.
"Please do something for me," he begs. "Please protect Tanuma, no matter what happens."
Aoi glances at Tanuma, and then back to Natsume.
Then she nods.
"Yes," she says. "Yes, okay. I accept."
This is awful. This is the most terrifying thing he's ever had to do.
But he has to do it. Nyanko is right. They're running out of time and the sickness spirit is there and Tanuma has to come.
Natsume is putting his best friend in danger.
Natsume is putting the love of his life in danger, for the sake of everyone else he loves.
All he ever wanted was for it to never come to this.
"I don't need a spirit to look after me," Tanuma says, as mildly as possible. "I really will be okay."
And if he isn't okay, it will only be because one of his precious friends got hurt. So really, he can't lose.
They're walking towards the forest. Natsume is silent, shoulders tense, eyes forward. Tanuma wants to collapse to the ground and beg for forgiveness.
But he can't. Not yet. They need to get through this, first.
Taki squeezes his hand. Tanuma manages a tiny smile, just for her.
There was never going to be a table, anyway.
"That time I broke my wrist," Natsume says, suddenly. "Was that you, as well?"
Tanuma stares at the ground.
"Yes," he admits.
Natsume glances at him miserably, and Tanuma would disembowel himself right here and now if it would stop Natsume from being so sad.
"So I gave you a broken wrist," Natsume says. He sounds like he might possibly cry.
"No, I gave me a broken wrist," Tanuma tells him.
"Because of me," Natsume says doggedly.
And then he looks away from Tanuma quickly, eyes darting towards the sky.
"Is there a spirit up there?" Taki asks, gently. "All I can see is that bird."
She sounds too conversational, as if she's desperately trying to steer everything back to normal. And today is a dangerous day for any of them to lose focus. Tanuma has to pull himself together. He has to follow the plan and work the trap and destroy an incredibly powerful spirit, and he has to do all of that with a headache and with the impending end of his most important friendship.
"The bird is your guide," Natsume tells them. "You need to follow her. Nyanko and I need to split off from you now."
"You must arrive at the designated place in exactly five minutes," Ponta adds. "No matter what else happens, you must be at the trap and work it correctly on the signal, as you've been shown. We will be on the north side of the trap. The spirits are approaching from the south, but you won't be able to see them, of course."
"Got it," Taki says, nodding firmly.
"Aoi will protect you from any danger," Natsume says, his voice hitching a little. "She can see spirits, of course, so follow her direction in the event of an emergency. There will be lots of other spirits around you who will also protect you."
"But they'll be at a distance," Ponta growls. "So don't do anything stupid."
He turns his fearsome vulpine glare to Tanuma, and Tanuma looks away, horribly ashamed.
"I won't let you down," Aoi calls.
"Good luck," Natsume says, voice sounding thick and strange. Then he turns on the ball of his foot and starts walking away.
And Tanuma realises suddenly that this is it. They won't get to see each other again until they're right in the danger zone. He fists his hands at his sides, feeling useless and empty. What is he supposed to say now?
It's too late, isn't it?
It's too late for everything.
"Natsume!" he says, quickly. "Natsume, wait."
Natsume looks back over his shoulder. His eyes are too shiny and slightly damp-looking. Tanuma has ruined everything.
"I'm sorry," Natsume says, weakly.
Then he jogs off into the distance.
Tanuma stares at the ground. Natsume's parting words didn't even make sense. Tanuma is the one who should be apologising, over and over and over until his voice burns out of his throat.
"I really did want to have those things with you," Tanuma says, to the empty air.
Taki grabs him by the arm.
"We don't have time," she says, sympathetically. "We have a deadline, Tanuma. Let's go."
And they go.
"The sentinel spirits are sure?" Natsume asks, breaking into a run to keep up with Nyanko. "Both sickness-spirits are definitely to the south of the trap?"
"Yes," Hiiragi tells him. "It is confirmed."
"And Matoba and Natori?"
"They are poised to arrive at the same time as you," she says. "Other friendly spirits may also gather with us at that time, although many of them are afraid of Matoba."
"He's a creep," Nyanko says.
Natsume shakes his head furiously. Everyone else sounds so calm. His whole world has been turned inside out, and nobody else even understands.
"We have to get both of them in the trap," Natsume says, barely hearing his own voice. "Nothing can go wrong."
"Are you worried about your friends?" Hiiragi asks.
"Yes," Natsume says, helplessly spreading his hands.
What good are all the powers in the world if he cannot use them to defend his friends? What kind of person gives their best friend a broken wrist? What kinds of person greedily benefits from excellent health while someone they adore suffers their illnesses?
"We are your friends too," Hiiragi says, without a trace of emotion in her voice.
"I worry about you too," Natsume tells her.
He cannot sacrifice himself to save others, and that is tremendous. He feels bound and gagged. He doesn't know what will happen after this day, but he wants to live to see it, and he needs his friends to live to see it.
Everything is such a terrible mess, but maybe they just need to get through this.
"You remember how to work the trap, right?" Taki asks, when they finally arrive. "We stand in the two adjacent circles at the edge. On the signal from the bird, we raise our hands in the air and imagine the air turning solid. We have to imagine really hard, too."
"I know," Tanuma tells her.
The trap is a simple but large drawing in the dirt, with sticks and leaves arranged in a pattern in the centre. Tanuma tries to imagine what a sickness spirit looks like. He tries to envisage how the trap will work. But he struggles, because he's never had much in the way of imagination.
Aoi ushers them both into position, side by side, both feet in their individual dirt-circles. Taki takes Tanuma's hand again.
"We have to forget about everything else and concentrate really hard," she tells him. "We have to trust the others will protect us. If we slip up and lose focus, someone could get really hurt. And if something goes wrong – and nothing is going to go wrong – but if something goes wrong we need to curl up and take shelter and make ourselves as small as possible."
Tanuma knows. He's been told all of this dozens of times before; by Ponta and Natsume and Aoi and Taki. He doesn't need to hear it again. He's not as stupid as everyone thinks, he's really not.
Or is he?
Is this why Natsume always leaves him out?
Was he ever really precious, or was Natsume just being kind when he said that? That night seems like a distant memory now. Tanuma can barely remember what happened an hour ago. He can't recall what it means to feel safe.
He's scared.
"And don't heal anyone," Taki finishes. "Please please please don't heal anyone. I can't stand the thought of losing you. You are my dear friend."
Tanuma takes those words and tries to make himself anew. If Taki cares for him after everything he's done, then that is important. He can be Taki's dear friend, even if he has failed his darling Natsume.
There are two men standing a short distance away. One of them is definitely Natori. Natsume isn't in sight yet.
"I really like him," he whispers to Taki, squeezing her fingers.
"That's okay," Taki says. "Everything is okay. We're going to trap these spirits together and then we're going to go home and deal with everything else once everyone is safe."
Tanuma can't find the strength to smile for her, but he desperately wishes he could.
"Okay," he replies.
The meeting place is a small clearing in the forest, surrounded on all sides by stringy-looking trees and a single dense bush with bright yellow flowers. It's a place with a good view of the spirit trap. Natori and Matoba are already there when Natsume arrives. And beyond them and their ensuing gaggle of spirit servants, Natsume can see his two best friends standing in position, still safe and alive.
"Good," he breathes, and rushes forward.
Nyanko bounds alongside him. With their combined powers, they will be certain to draw the sickness-spirits in this direction, and straight into the trap.
"Hey," Natori says, warmly. "Your friends are fine. All we need to do now is wait."
He leaves his hand on Natsume's shoulder for a moment too long, and Natsume doesn't even brush him away. He needs all the comfort he can get, even though he doesn't deserve any of it.
"You're upset," Matoba observes, voice silky-smooth. "It is upsetting when your friends ignore you, isn't it?"
"With all due respect," Natori tells him, "this isn't the time or the place to be projecting onto Natsume."
Natsume ignores both of them in favour of succumbing to the sudden urge to shout.
"Tanuma!" he yells. "Taki!"
He isn't good at shouting. His voice is too soft, and doesn't carry. But they wave back, all the same.
If Natsume can get them safely home after today, he can figure out a way to keep Tanuma blind to any injuries or illnesses he might acquire later. He will keep his friends as cherished and protected as he always hoped. He'll dedicate his life to it.
"Stay close to me," Nyanko growls, curling his tail around Natsume. "Don't step into the trap yourself or you'll complicate things."
"I know," Natsume tells him, but he edges a little closer to Tanuma anyway.
"I'm sorry," Tanuma says sadly, and he looks like he's been crying. This isn't even the first time Natsume has made Tanuma cry.
But perhaps it will be the last
"I'm sorry," Natsume replies, and he means it from the bottom of whatever is left of his heart. He wants to hug Tanuma right now. He wonders if this is the way parents feel about their children.
"The sickness-spirits are on their way," Aoi announces, loudly.
She grabs the back of Natsume's shirt and drags him away from his friends.
"We're out of time," she says, by way of apology.
And then she stops, eyes widening, staring at something over Natsume's shoulder.
"Wait," she says, voice loud and frightened. "How many of these things are there supposed to be?"
"Two," Natori tells her.
Natsume spins around, following her line of sight.
And there, at the edge of the clearing, is a sickness-spirit. A red sickness-spirit. A third sickness-spirit, not one they've seen before.
"That shouldn't be here," Natori says.
Nyanko is suddenly right there, his massive body between Natsume and the new sickness-spirit.
"RUN" he roars. "GET TO THE EAST OF THE TRAP."
Natsume runs.
Everyone is suddenly moving all at once, and talking about a third spirit. Tanuma feels cold fear prickle at the back of his neck.
"What's happening?" Taki asks, fearfully. "Is it time?"
"Something has gone wrong," Tanuma says, feeling ill. "I don't know. Something has gone wrong."
tbc
a/n
+ thank you for reading, and for sticking with me over the long, unnanounced hiatus.
+ I can't promise updates will go back to being regular but the next chapter will go up within two weeks.