notes/warnings
+ character death
+ grief/sadness
Part Seventeen
Natsume can barely speak. His throat is swollen and he wants to lie down and die beside Tanuma. He never wanted this. He would have rather lost Nyanko, and that is a terrible thing to think.
"It's green," he chokes, desperately trying to comfort his best friend. His real best friend, who he adores, who he would have gladly died for. "A-and the legs are w-wobbly."
Tanuma doesn't respond. He's still breathing though. He's still warm. Natsume sucks in a deep breath of air and breaks down for a second time.
"Swap with someone," he begs. "Swap with a spirit. Swap with me. You have to live. Please live. Please please please live."
He would trade all the spiritual powers in the world for the chance to reverse Tanuma's swapping. He'd sell his soul for one more day together. This is unacceptable. Tanuma can't die. Natsume doesn't know what to do with a world where Tanuma is dead.
"Please," he whispers. "Please."
"Natsume?"
Aoi crawls into Natsume's peripheral vision. Natsume ignores her.
"What will Kitamoto think?" Natsume continues, pressing his face into Tanuma's hair. "What about your father?"
He doesn't even know if Tanuma can feel his touch.
"Natsume?" Aoi says again. "Natsume, please look at me."
"Go away," Natsume tells her. "Leave me alone."
It is then that he realises Aoi isn't getting up off the ground, either. She doesn't seem to be able to walk.
"I'm sorry," she says. "I just wanted to be near you again."
Natsume stares at her. She jerks her thumb in the general direction of the yellow-flowered bush.
"Frog's bane," she says, with a bitter little smile. "Lethally toxic to amphibians and fish. That includes associated spirits. My sister always told me to be careful of plants, but I guess I didn't listen."
Natsume stares at her, not comprehending.
"Natsume can't help you," Natori says, bending down and taking her hand. "Would you like me to sit with you?"
"No," Aoi tells him. "I'll become dangerous to you when the suffering starts."
"Suffering?" Natsume asks, curling his fingers against Tanuma's shoulder.
Isn't there enough suffering in the world already? he thinks, helplessly.
"Frog's bane is famous for its slow-acting poison," Natori says. "Victims suffer agonizing pain before dying."
"Stop talking about it," Aoi whimpers, clapping her hands over her ears and then flinching and flopping back on the ground. "I don't want to think about it. I don't want to die in pain. Can't you make it quick?"
Natori shakes his head, edging away. Aoi turns back to Natsume. Her eyes are huge and there are tears streaming down her face. She looks like a child.
"Fish spirits are notoriously difficult to kill," she tells him. "I'm sorry. I know this was your special time with your sick friend. I'm just scared."
Tanuma is dying on Natsume's lap. Tanuma is dying, today and now, and there is nothing that Natsume can do to save him.
Tanuma loves Natsume, and he's dying.
Natsume never, ever should have let himself have friends. He is responsible for all of this.
"I don't care," he tells Aoi. "I'm sorry."
But Tanuma cares. Tanuma wants to reach out and take Aoi's hand. But he can barely move.
So he does the only thing he can do.
One last time.
Natsume realises, suddenly, what Tanuma is trying to do.
"No," he says, gripping his friend tightly. "No. Don't. You don't have to suffer even more. Stop. Stop. Don't swap with her."
But it's already too late. Tanuma tenses up, and Aoi smiles and relaxes. She looks sleepy and nearly dead. Their healths have been reversed.
Even when he's dying, Tanuma manages to save someone else.
"No!" Natsume yells. "Tanuma, stop that!"
"I understand now," Aoi says, softly. "I understand what you said, Natsume."
"Swap back with him," Natsume begs her. "Swap back."
"No," Aoi replies.
And with that, her body dissolves into a thousand tiny minnow-like particles that swim off into the air and disappear.
"She is dead," Natori says, rather unnecessarily.
And Tanuma waits stiffly for a painful death, more than a little terrified. He tries not to think of his father. He tries not to think of the chess game he was looking forward to tomorrow. He tries not to think about Natsume's eyes.
And time passes. Too much time. Tanuma opens his eyes again. A cold, evil fear seeps into his chest, the stabbing realisation of what he has done.
Aoi wasn't dying when he swapped with her.
Tanuma struggles to get up. Natsume makes a tiny, explosive noise and tightens his grip on Tanuma.
"No," Tanuma manages, gripping the back of Natsume's shirt and attempting to force himself into a sitting position.
"Tanuma," Natsume breathes. He's shaking so hard that Tanuma wonders if he's ill. "Please don't die."
"Natori," Tanuma calls. "That thing you said about the Frog's Bane. Was it true?"
Natori gives him a long, severe stare.
"I helped Aoi do what she wanted to do," he says, sternly.
"No," Tanuma gasps.
He's never killed anyone. He has never ever made anyone's health worse. He's a healer and that's not what he does and he has principles.
"You can blame Natori for it," Matoba says. "She used your lack of spiritual knowledge to trick you. You couldn't have known."
"Wait," Natsume blubbers. "Is Tanuma going to live?"
"No," Tanuma says, again. "She was just a little girl. I killed someone. I killed someone!"
"She chose to die," Ponta says, waddling up beside him. "You didn't choose to be an idiot."
"No," Tanuma says weakly. "You don't understand."
He should have died. That was the whole point. Unable to contain his guilt any longer, Tanuma pushes his face against Natsume's shoulder and screams.
Nyanko puts his paw on the back of Natsume's hand.
"Aoi saved him for you," he says, patiently, his voice barely audible over Tanuma's heart-wrenching wailing. "Tanuma is going to live."
Tanuma is making noise. His muscles are moving under Natsume's hands. He feels alive.
He's…he's going to live.
He's going to live.
"Oh my god," Natsume says, and bursts into a fresh wave of tears.
"If anybody is wondering," Taki says, from somewhere behind him. "I trapped the spirits."
They walk home, because neither of the adults have a car on hand, and because Ponta is too weak to carry anyone.
Natori and Matoba keep congratulating Taki.
"You're a lot sharper than an average human," Natori muses. "I might attempt to recruit you."
On any other day, Tanuma would have smiled. Today he just feels like he's waiting for the other shoe to fall. Natsume is pressed against his right side, both arms still around Tanuma's waist. He keeps in step with the rest of them using a weird, crab-like shuffle. He's still so scared.
"I appreciate your words," Taki tells Natori. "But I don't really have the energy to keep up a conversation right now."
She's hanging on to Tanuma's hand painfully tightly, as if he might just slip away and vanish if not for her grip. Tanuma has never had to deal with any consequences for healing people before. Nobody has ever known. Nobody has ever been scared for him like this.
And Tanuma knows from Natsume's uncharacteristic behaviour that this isn't over. The worst is yet to come, somehow.
When they reach Tanuma's house, Taki turns to him. She still looks both disappointed and frightened.
"I'm sorry," Tanuma says.
"We'll talk later," she replies, and hugs him briefly.
And then, quite suddenly, Natsume lets Tanuma go and steps back. For a moment Tanuma is trapped, unable to look away, literally terrified of whatever Natsume might have to say. But Natsume just stares at Tanuma like he's still not quite sure that Tanuma is real.
"I'll go inside with you," Natsume says, softly.
Tanuma swallows hard. He opens the door with shaking hands. His father greets them informally without even really looking up. The sun is still high in the sky. As far as his father knows, today is a perfectly ordinary day.
They reach Tanuma's room. Tanuma crosses to the centre of the floor and turns to Natsume.
"I'm sorry," he says, pitifully, rubbing at his eyes like he always does when he's about to cry. "I never meant to scare you. If the alternative hadn't been letting Ponta die, I never would have-"
"I thought you were going to die," Natsume says. He sounds utterly ruined, as if he has barely any energy left. "Tanuma, I thought you were dead."
"I'm alive," Tanuma tells him. "Everyone is alive. Everything is okay."
"You're alive," Natsume repeats, with a bitter little laugh. "You'll be okay here. Your dad has strong spiritual power, although he doesn't know it."
Tanuma doesn't think Natsume is just talking about recovering from the headache.
An ugly little voice at the back of his head says this isn't fair. Natsume does this to people all the time, but the first time you do it he never forgives you.
"It won't happen again," Tanuma says, quickly. "I won't let it happen again."
Natsume blinks.
"You're going to stop healing?" he asks, uncharacteristically sceptical. "You're going to stay safe, no matter what?"
"I can't promise that," Tanuma says, ruefully. "I can't promise that, but I can-"
"I can't be near you any more," Natsume says with finality, all hope gone from his voice. "I'm dangerous to you."
"But…"
Tanuma trails off uselessly. He has nothing to say. It was always going to end this way.
"I won't talk to you when we meet at school or at festivals," Natsume continues. "I won't call and I won't visit. You'll be safe from me. You can make new friends."
"No," Tanuma chokes, tearing up. "Please. I didn't mean to do this."
"You meant to die," Natsume says, voice hitching. "I couldn't protect you. I can't protect you. I'm only a danger to you."
What Tanuma said earlier - when he was dying in the middle of the clearing – doesn't matter. How he feels doesn't matter. Natsume has always been the driving force in their friendship. And now, he is ending it.
"That's who I am," Tanuma says, bowing his head. "That's what I do."
Natsume nods.
"I'll help you if you're ever in trouble," he says. "Other than that, you should forget about me. Go and make some new friends."
"You too," Tanuma says, swiping the tears from his cheeks with his fingertips. "If you ever need anything, just call."
"I won't," Natsume says. "Good bye, Tanuma."
He leaves without another word.
Tanuma collapses to the ground, crawls over to his bed, and covers his face with his arms.
Natsume goes home. He plasters a smile on his face to greet Touko and Shigeru, and tells them that he has a lot of homework to do and that he won' t be downstairs again before breakfast.
Then he goes to his room, and shuts himself up in his closet.
He doesn't know what to do.
He doesn't know how to deal with this.
Every time Natsume closes his eyes, he still sees Tanuma's nearly-lifeless body. Coping with the day's events is almost impossible, especially when he can't see or talk to Tanuma in order to assuage his fears. Because the truth is that Tanuma is only alive because Aoi loved Natsume, because Aoi was clever and willing to sacrifice herself. There was nothing that Natsume could have done to save him. The whole point of his relationship with Tanuma was grounded in the misguided assumption that he could protect Tanuma.
But that isn't true. Everything is lost. To go on being near Tanuma would be the ultimate exercise in selfishness. In trying to ease the aching in his heart, he will precipitate Tanuma's death, and that is unacceptable. Natsume will gladly never be close to Tanuma again, if it means that Tanuma gets to go on living.
He'll have to be careful for a while. Tanuma will probably swap with him hourly or something equally terrifying. Natsume can guess what Tanuma will do, because he can guess what he'd do if their roles were reversed. But then, eventually, Tanuma will make new friends and he'll forget about Natsume and everything will be as it should be.
He cannot bear the idea of Tanuma dying for him. He literally cannot bear it. He feels viscerally ill, thinking about how things might have turned out. Terminating their friendship was the only way he could ever have had peace.
Out of the corner of his eye, Natsume sees the picture of the table, pinned to the wall. It is partially obscured by Tanuma's clumsy handwriting, spelling out the words 'we are definitely going to do this'.
Natsume is exhausted with the world. He sits in the closet and bawls for three hours straight. And then he takes the picture of the table down from the wall, crushes it in his hand, and tosses it into the garbage bin.
tbc
a/n
+ thank you for reading
+ should update again next week.