notes/warnings
+ Taki is awesome.
Part Eighteen
After that, Natsume calls Taki.
"Hi," she says, weakly.
"Hi," Natsume replies, uncertain as to what exactly he wants to say. Nyanko waddles into the room, and flops down on top of Natsume's foot, purring rhythmically. "Listen. I talked to Tanuma, and-"
"Is he okay?" Taki interrupts. "I don't even know if he ended up with any injuries or illnesses after today."
"I think he was okay," Natsume tells her. "But listen, he and I have stopped being friends."
There is a short pause on the other end of the line.
"I'm sorry," Taki says carefully. "I must have misheard. I thought you just said you stopped being friends."
"That's right. We've, um. We've decided to be friends with different, other people."
Natsume is pretty sure he can hear Taki narrow her eyes.
"You both decided, or you decided?" she asks.
"I decided," Natsume confirms.
"Oh," Taki says, distantly. "Oh. Right. Okay."
"I won't ask you to change anything," Natsume assures her. "Feel free to continue to be friends with either of us, or both of us. This won't really affect you."
"Okay."
"If anyone asks you about it at school, just tell them to talk to me," Natsume continues. "I will make this as easy for everyone as possible."
The last thing he wants is to hurt his precious, darling friends for even a moment longer.
"Okay."
Natsume chews on his lower lip.
"Are you all right?" he asks, gently. "You seem a little distracted."
"I'm sorry," Taki admits. "This has been a really hard day for me. I mean I had to fight super-strong spirits all on my own. Plus I found out that one of my best friends is a self-sacrificing healer, and now I've just found out my other best friend is a jerk."
Natsume actually flinches.
"I'm doing what is best," he reasons.
"Okay," Taki says. "But I'm going to bed now. I'm tired."
"I'll see you at school?" Natsume ventures.
He knows Taki is angry with him, because nobody goes to bed at this early hour of the evening. He's not a jerk. He's doing exactly what is right, and he's confident in his decision. Maybe someday Taki will understand that, too.
"I'll be there," Taki replies. "I'll be your friend for as long as you decide I'm allowed to be."
"Thanks," Natsume says, and she hangs up.
"Did something happen today?" Tanuma's father asks.
Tanuma considers this for a moment.
"Yes," he replies. "Something happened, and it was bad. I might have lost my friends for good. I really don't want to talk about it."
"Was it to do with your ability?" Tanuma's father asks. "I don't need to know the details. Just answer yes or no."
"Sort of," Tanuma replies.
They don't talk about this. They never talk about this. Neither of them have ever even acknowledged Tanuma's powers. He must look really upset, for his father to be saying these things now.
"I'm proud of you, Kaname," his father says thickly, patting Tanuma's hand. "I don't know what you did, but I'm glad you're okay."
"I'm glad you're okay," Tanuma replies, and means it.
He is so lucky to be surrounded by people he loves. And even if one of them is lost now – even if the one Tanuma loved the most is going to be practically a stranger – Tanuma is still lucky, because all of them are alive and well.
Tanuma thinks he might start crying then and there, but he is distracted by a knock on the door.
"I'll tell them that I'm busy," Tanuma's father says, getting to his feet. "The visitors shouldn't be interrupting meals."
"I'm going to sleep," Tanuma says, seizing the opportunity to escape to his room. "I'll see you tomorrow."
He leaves without waiting for a response, and closes his bedroom door firmly behind him. He's lonely, but he doesn't want company. He wants Natsume. He wants his friend.
Roughly three seconds later, someone knocks on his door.
"Yes?" Tanuma calls, as politely as he can manage.
The door is pushed gently aside, and standing there is Taki, with a small bag slung over her shoulder.
"I heard about what Natsume said to you," she says, quietly. "I'm really sorry. I've come here to tell you that I'm still your friend, and that I will look after you if you want."
Overwhelmed, Tanuma holds out his arms. Taki closes the door behind her, and then crosses the room and hugs him tightly. Tanuma starts crying for approximately the fiftieth time since breakfast, but at least this time he feels like he can breathe.
Things don't get any easier when they go back to school.
"What happened?" Kitamoto asks, gesturing from where Natsume is presently sitting to a spot halfway around the baseball field, where Tanuma is huddled on his own. "Did somebody say something about you two again?"
"I think this time we should just punch whoever said it," Nishimura adds, with a conviction that is obviously intended to make Natsume feel better.
It doesn't.
"We're not sitting together," Natsume replies, because 'we're not friends anymore' will draw too many painful questions.
"Why?" Kitamoto asks.
He glances at Taki, who looks pointedly away. Everything is such a mess and Natsume suddenly wishes he didn't have any friends, because he only ever hurts his friends.
"I don't want to talk about it," Natsume replies.
Kitamoto stares at him for a moment, wearing a horribly sad expression that manages to make Natsume feel even worse.
"Okay," he says simply.
He and Nishimura join them without any further questioning, and start talking about schoolwork and how Nishimura is absolutely definitely going to be a tap-dancer and he's sure about it this time.
A few moments later Taki gets up.
"I'm going to sit with Tanuma," she says briskly.
Taki stays by his side for the rest of the day, and the day after that, too. Which is good, because Tanuma still feels fragile under his skin, as if he might break apart at any moment.
He killed someone. Natsume is no longer his friend, and he killed someone. She was only young. She might have been a child.
His world is not the same as it was before he killed her.
He and Taki walk home together after school. The insignia on Taki's wrist is still visible, and she still has scratches on her legs from walking around in the forest. Tanuma can't do much about them, because he has several large, ugly bruises on his own legs that would be even more painful.
"Want me to stay over again tonight?" Taki asks.
Tanuma knows that Sasada invited Taki to see a movie tonight. He knows that her parents will be concerned about her, staying away from home for so long. And he knows, right now, that Natsume is walking home by himself, head low, probably worrying about a thousand different things.
"It's all right," Tanuma says. "I'm fine now."
"Well, yeah," Taki says. "But I like spending time with you. Sasada's boring, anyway. All she talks about is university and cute clothes and cute girls."
"And all you want to talk about is cute cats," Tanuma says indulgently.
"Of course," Taki replies, grinning. "Nobody understands me."
They walk a little longer in silence. Tanuma knows what he should say. He just needs to figure out the right way to say it.
"Hey," he says. "We'll always be friends, right?"
Taki stops dead, and turns to him.
"Yes," she says, soberly. "And that means something."
"Right," Tanuma agrees, a little confused.
Taki walks forward, until she's standing barely a few inches away from him, and jabs at the air with her index finger.
"No," she clarifies. "You don't understand. It means that you're important to me. It means that if you ever do what you tried to do last weekend, you will break my heart."
Tanuma sags, letting his satchel slip from his shoulder and fall to the ground beside him. He doesn't know how to deal with the pain he's caused her.
"I'm sorry," he says.
"Don't apologise," Taki says. "Listen. What you do is noble and heroic and good. You shouldn't feel bad for doing it. Not for any of it. Not even for that girl. You did what any good person would have done. Her death was a gift that she gave someone else, and you shouldn't feel responsible for that."
Tanuma blinks. Taki takes a long, deep breath and continues.
"But I want you to always remember me, even if we're apart. Even if we haven't spoken in years. I don't know what the future holds, but if you ever have to choose between saving someone and staying alive, please think of me. I want to always be considered in your decision."
Tanuma suspects he is probably crying again. He feels as if a great, aching weight has been lifted from his shoulders. Taki is clever and reasonable and kind, and the words she says are powerful. And still she asks so little of him.
"Always," he says quickly.
"Good," Taki replies firmly, and they start walking again. "What did you want to say?"
"I wanted to say that I think you should sleep over whenever you want," Tanuma tells her. "My father loves having you around, and so do I."
"Great," Taki says, happily.
"And I think we should spend time together on weekends, as well," Tanuma says. "Maybe more than we have been already. Maybe all of the weekends. But, I don't think we should spend time at school. Or on days when Natsume needs you."
"You still care about him so much, even after what he said to you?" Taki asks.
"Yes," Tanuma answers. "And I care about you. I don't want you exhausting yourself, trying to split time between us. He's still the one who is actively fighting monsters. He's still the one with hardly any other people he can talk to. If you want to spend all day with him at school, I would appreciate that. I don't like to think of him as being sad and lonely, but I can't help him any more. But you can. And whenever it suits you, you can come and find me. I'm never busy, and I'm always okay."
"That's a lie," Taki says, quietly.
"Plus, I know you miss Ponta," Tanuma adds.
Taki elbows him gently and laughs.
"Okay, fine," she says. "I'll talk to Natsume more, and try not to leave him on his own at school."
"Thanks," Tanuma replies.
Taki is the best friend he's ever had.
Natsume loses track of the days. Taki starts sitting with him in class, starts talking to him like everything is normal, like they've always been a duo instead of a trio. Natsume buries himself in his schoolwork and in his dealings with spirits. He steers away from anything violent or dangerous, and desperately doesn't think about university or where he's going to live next year.
When he catches himself daydreaming about the green plastic table, he forces himself to think of brown wooden tables and sensible furniture. He tries to imagine what it would be like to live with Taki, or Kitamoto and Nishimura. He tries to drown out the fantasies that do nothing but leave him miserable and empty.
"How did the thing go with the two feuding bug spirits?" Taki whispers, sliding into the seat beside him.
"All sorted," Natsume mouths back, and manages to smile for her.
He hasn't asked her to help him again yet. It's too soon. If she goes, she may get hurt. And if she gets hurt, Tanuma will get hurt, and Natsume cannot even think about that.
"Do you need my help with anything tonight?" Taki asks, casually.
"No," Natsume tells her.
"Good," Taki replies. "Then I've got plans."
"Did Nishimura finally ask you out on a date?" Natsume asks, trying to keep the conversation normal.
"No," Taki replies. "Please stop asking about what I'm doing when I'm not with you."
"Are you seeing Tanuma?" Natsume asks, horrified by how desperate he sounds.
Taki hasn't said a word about Tanuma to him since the day Tanuma almost died. But Natsume knows she spends time with him, and he just wants to know that Tanuma is doing well and happy and ideally making new friends and healthy and alive and sleeping okay. He wants to know if Tanuma still laughs, and whether his laugh has changed, and whether he's found a new favourite board game.
He wants to know, but he can't ask.
"Don't," is all that Taki says, sounding strangely irritated.
"I'm sorry," Natsume replies, terribly embarrassed.
He doesn't know how to handle the way he feels.
Tanuma gets home, sits on the floor, and closes his eyes.
He knows Natsume is okay. Taki tells him how Natsume is doing every day; in fact she'll recount all of their conversations for him if he asks. But he doesn't ask, because he values Natsume's privacy.
In the past two weeks, Natsume has only gotten two injuries; a grazed knee and a cut on his face. Tanuma knows that much for sure. And if Natsume is healthy, then Tanuma can't ask for more than that.
He was stupid to ever hope for more than that.
Tanuma eyes the books on his desk. They are all indexes of the various universities in Japan, and a select few abroad. Tanuma has bookmarked a few that are close to the temple. He'll live at home while he studies, and perhaps take over from his father here if the job market is unkind.
It doesn't matter what else he does with his life. His main purpose is to be a healer, and to take care of Natsume. He can do both of those things no matter what his vocation.
"Sorry to interrupt," his father says, quietly. "There's a man downstairs who says he's here to see you. I don't recognise him, but he acts as though I should know who he is."
Well, Tanuma knows exactly one person fitting that description.
What is he doing here?
Does he know?
"Should I tell him you're busy?" Tanuma's father asks.
"No, I'll see him." Tanuma replies.
tbc
a/n
+ thank you for reading :)