notes/warnings
+ ridiculously huge flowers.
+ some things mend faster than others.
Part Twenty
"This one contains every single flower that is seasonally available," the florist tells Natsume, flamboyantly waving her arms around. "Each is tastefully, individually placed to form this beautiful big bouquet. I like to think it allows the sender to express gigantic emotions. Like, for example, deep love."
"That's perfect," Natsume says decisively, reaching for his wallet.
He still feels as if electric currents are running underneath his skin. He can't stop imagining Reiko, trying desperate to save that cat. Trying to express her love for another human the only way she knew how.
He knows that feeling, too.
"Are you sure about this?" Touko asks quietly. "I know you've been saving your pocket money for a long time, but these flowers will cost almost all of your savings."
Natsume would spend the entirety of his university fund too, if it would get a bigger bouquet. But as it turns out, that isn't an option. A bigger bouquet would literally crush the receiver.
"She must be a very special girl," says the florist, brightly.
A tiny daisy-spirit is dancing around the floor between her feet, gathering up petals in his arms. He pauses for a moment and looks at Natsume, as if waiting for an answer.
"She is the most special girl," Natsume says. "If you even pass her on the street, your life will be better for it."
Maybe the time for being afraid of his feelings has passed. Maybe all he can do is enjoy what time he has as best he can.
"Cool," the florist grins, hoisting the monstrous arrangement across the counter. "Here you go. Don't forget to write on the card."
Touko helps him wrestle the flowers into the back seat of the car, humming under her breath.
"I'm glad you're letting me help you with this," she says. "I like doing things with my family, you know."
Natsume is suddenly glad that he's already used up his entire supply of tears for the day, otherwise he'd probably be bawling right now.
"I like doing things with my family too," he says, slipping into his seat. "Touko, what should I write on the card?"
Touko considers this for a moment.
"What do you want to say? What would you say face-to-face?"
"Sorry," Natsume says, slowly. "Sorry for everything. PS, you are fantastic."
"Well, it doesn't do to use flowery language in apologies," Touko says. "I think you should write down what you just said. Tooru is a smart girl. I'm sure she'll understand."
Taki's house is only ten minutes from the florist, and Natsume is still scrawling on the tiny white card by the time they pull up.
"Thank you again for helping me with this," Natsume says. "Wait here. I won't be long."
When Taki opens the door, she blinks. She blinks at the flowers, and then at Natsume, and then at the flowers again.
"You were right," Natsume says, in a rush, heart pounding. "These are for you."
Taki nods, mutely. Then she folds her arms across her chest.
"Don't you have somewhere else to be?" she asks, quietly. It's a genuine question. She's hopeful, but she isn't sure.
"Yes," Natsume manages, nervously. "Yes, I really do."
"Then, go," Taki says, and her smile is sudden and as huge as the moon. "Go."
"You've been staring out the window for three hours now," Tanuma's father says, frowning. "Are you sure you're okay, Kaname?"
"I'm fine," Tanuma says, automatically.
It's a beautiful day outside. He tries to imagine what things would be like if Natsume had never found out. Maybe they'd go walking around the lake together. Maybe Nishimura would take them fishing again. Maybe Natsume would put his hand on Tanuma's shoulder, touching so lightly that Tanuma would be afraid to breathe.
It doesn't matter. The past isn't changeable, and perhaps it is better that Tanuma stops hoping for the things he cannot have. Perhaps he needs to start appreciating the things he does have. Perhaps he'll stop missing Natsume, one day. Perhaps, when they run into each other as strangers on the street, Tanuma will be able to smile and walk right on by and not spare another thought.
"I don't want to be an adult," he tells his father, hugging his legs. "I wanted to be young forever."
"You're still young," his father says, touching the crown of Tanuma's head.
"No, you don't understand," Tanuma wails. He is still so full of sadness, and sometimes a small wisp of it escapes through his mouth. "A part of my life is over, and I can't get it back."
"I'm sorry," his father says quietly, and walks away.
Tanuma pushes both his hands into his hair and clenches his fists. He didn't want this. He never wanted this. He's so tired of having to make sacrifices just for things to be okay. He's so tired of hating himself.
A few minutes pass, and then his father comes back.
"There's someone outside," he says, so hesitantly that Tanuma wonders if he's seen a ghost.
"We do live next to the temple," Tanuma says, trying to force a smile.
"Natsume Takashi doesn't come here for the temple," Tanuma's father says, gravely.
And despite everything, Tanuma's heart skips twice. He unclenches his hands and opens his eyes.
"Would you like to see him? I worry that he may make you feel even worse," Tanuma's father says.
That is a certainty, not just a possibility. But if Natsume is here, then something must be terribly, terribly wrong. Tanuma gets to his feet.
"Let him in," he says.
Nyanko races ahead of Natsume, barrelling down the hall, oblivious to the icy stare of Tanuma's father. Natsume chases him all the way to Tanuma's room. And there is Tanuma, standing on the smooth wooden floor, barely reacting when Nyanko jumps up and clings to his chest.
"What is it?" he asks, placing one hand on Nyanko's back.
"Huh?" Nyanko says. "Oh. Nothing is wrong, and everything is fine."
Tanuma frowns, and puts Nyanko back onto the floor. He looks softer today, with little lines of exhaustion branching from his eyes. Natsume never sees him up close at school any more. Natsume hardly sees him at all.
"Then what do you want?" Tanuma asks Natsume, suddenly businesslike. "I'm in perfect health right now, so whatever it is, I can do it."
His voice cracks mid-sentence, and Natsume wants to put his arms around Tanuma's shoulders and not let go. He sinks to his knees, instead, and doesn't speak. He bows his head, and it feels good. It feels like he's finally doing something right, a single drop in the massive ocean of what he owes Tanuma.
"I don't understand," Tanuma says, carefully.
"Please listen," Natsume says, quietly. "I don't deserve your time, but I wanted…"
Tanuma smells the same as he always has. Natsume had planned his whole life out by Tanuma's side. He never wanted it to be like this.
"I wanted to tell you that I am so, so sorry."
He can't give Tanuma flowers. He can't risk Tanuma thinking his gesture is romantic, and rejecting him. He has to salvage whatever he can from their friendship. He can't aim for anything else. Not now, not ever. Even if what Tanuma said that day was true, and not just a platitude, Tanuma definitely can't feel that way any more.
"I said terrible things to you, and I left you all alone," Natsume says, covering his eyes with one hand. "And worse than that, before all of that, I made you worry so many times. And I never thanked you for all the good health you gave me."
Tanuma slowly bends down, and picks Nyanko back up again.
"Natsume," he says, quietly.
"Please," Natsume says. "I'm not asking you to forgive me. But I wanted you to know that I was scared for you. I shut you out because I was frightened of losing you. And then I stopped being your friend because I was still frightened of losing you. I am a danger to you, but it was selfish of me to just ignore your feelings."
Tanuma kneels down, so that he isn't any taller than Natsume.
"Natsume, it's okay."
"It's not okay," Natsume says, his voice rising. "You told me how much it hurt to be left out, and I never even thought about it. I used to be so happy, just thinking about you and how you were safe. And then Taki told me…Taki told me about all the times the two of you were scared for me. And even when I took her with me I never took you. I grew up learning how to shut people out, and keep people safe. But I guess I don't really know how to be friends with anyone."
"Are we friends again?" Tanuma asks, his words coming out in a disbelieving rush.
"I'll always want to be friends with you," Natsume manages. "But this is difficult for me. I don't want to involve you in anything. I'm scared one day you'll die, and there will be nothing that I can do to stop it."
"I'm scared of the same thing," Tanuma admits, sadly. "So…we can't be friends? Because of that?"
Natsume rubs at his face, and then meets Tanuma's eyes.
"I think we sh-should make the best of the time we have," he says. "I really want to go back to talking with you, and spending time with you. I'm scared that something bad will happen to you, but I want to make you happy, if I can."
"Oh my god," Tanuma says, eagerly. "Natsume, can we do that again? Can we talk? Because I really miss you."
This is actually going miles better than Natsume expected. Tanuma is willing to still be friends, after everything that Natsume has done and ruined and broken?
Please please please.
"I miss you too," he replies.
"So what do you want, exactly?"
Tanuma feels weightless, as if he's floating a few feet above the ground. Ponta is a warm, fluffy weight in his arms. It's as if someone has flipped a switch, as if he is being offered the possibility to get back something he was sure was destroyed and vanished from the world.
And very quietly, at the back of his head, a little voice says this is permanent. This is the answer you were waiting for, and you're going to have to accept it.
Natsume chews on his lower lip.
"I want to be friends," he says, decisively. "I want to go back to exactly the way we were before."
And this is it. All Tanuma has ever wanted.
He didn't acknowledge you. He doesn't feel the same way about you. He wants to go back to the time before he knew.
Tanuma hugs Ponta tightly. Because this is okay, too. He's never asked for anything more than to stay at Natsume's side.
"Then, we'll do that," he says, happily. "Let's do that."
Natsume gets to his feet and punches the air in a single gesture. He's never this unrestrained or demonstrative, and Tanuma wonders suddenly how much he's been suffering.
"Thank you," Natsume says. "Thank you."
"You're both idiots," Ponta says, sticking his tiny nose in the air. "You should have had this conversation as soon as we got back from capturing the sickness-spirits."
"I missed you, as well," Tanuma tells him.
"You say that," Ponta says. "But I still don't see any food here for me."
"I'll get food," Tanuma says. "And…and tea! Natsume, what do you want?"
He thought he'd never get to share food with these precious people ever again. Tanuma feels as if his heart might literally burst. He feels as if he has been given another chance, as if all of his old mistakes have been washed away.
He wants to do this right.
"Tea is great," Natsume says. "Can we talk, after that? I know it's my own fault, but I'd really like to know what I've missed in your life."
"Yes," Tanuma says, smiling so hard his lips hurt.
It seems as if Tanuma hasn't been doing much. He talks about homework and Kitamoto and new recipes and a trading card game he's interested in. And then he talks about healing his father's sore tooth, as if he's discussing the weather. Tanuma is casually letting Natsume be a part of his biggest secret, and Natsume sort of wants to just sit here and cry. He is overwhelmed by the fact that he has managed to fix this.
And Natsume, in return, tells Tanuma about the field-spirit and the bug-spirits and Hikari, forcing himself to share with Tanuma even though every instinct is shrieking at him to guard his words. Because this is what he promised to do.
Tanuma lights up, and he watches Natsume with a rapt expression.
"What did the bug spirits look like?" he asks. "Were they really tiny? Did they have antennae?"
Natsume hesitates, and Tanuma's face falls.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked," he says, quickly. "Just tell me what you want to tell me, okay?"
Natsume sets down his tea and rests his palms against the wooden floor, steadying himself.
"The thing is," he says, shakily. "This is very difficult for me, but the thing is that I think you should be able to come with Taki and I sometimes."
"Really?" Tanuma asks, eyes huge. "Are you sure?"
Of course Natsume is sure. Natsume is sure that this is a terrible idea and Tanuma might get hurt or upset or worse and Natsume is going to be blamed for that and this is the worst idea anyone has ever had in a million years. But this is what Tanuma wants, and that is important. It will ease Tanuma's heart when Natsume is in danger.
This is what it means to be friends with someone.
"Really," Natsume replies. "Just…let's start with small, harmless spirits, okay? I'll be worried for your safety, so I'm going to make this as easy as possible for both of us. And please tell me if you get a headache or something – I mean, if you get a headache the usual way and not from swapping – because I don't want the spirit world to be a painful experience for you."
Tanuma doesn't answer immediately. Nyanko stops eating his rice, and watches Tanuma closely. Natsume frowns, confused.
"I don't get headaches from spirits any more," Tanuma says. "I haven't since I swapped with Ponta and Aoi."
"That's excellent," Natsume says. "I'm glad."
This is so incredibly terrifying. How is he ever going to be okay with this? Even the thought of Tanuma with harmful spirits is making Natsume want to throw up. And even benevolent spirits can sometimes hurt humans by accident.
"Can I ask you something?" Tanuma asks, raising his mug to his lips. "Why did you lie to me about the fish in my pond? You said they were all red."
Nyanko nods, and goes back to eating.
"I had completely forgotten about that," Natsume admits, rubbing the back of his neck. "I didn't want to trouble you with details. At the time, I thought I was protecting you."
"I always appreciate your protection," Tanuma says, and Natsume feels warm and ridiculously happy. "But I'm grateful for your trust, as well."
"You too," Natsume says. A month ago, this would be the moment where he would take Tanuma's hand, in an attempt to demonstrate the affection in his heart, to let it out and not be drowned by it.
It suddenly occurs to Natsume that he can do it. They've made up. They are friends again. Natsume reaches across the gap between them…
…and Tanuma moves away.
Natsume stares at the floor, furious with himself. Of course things aren't the same. Of course. He cannot just erase the way he hurt Tanuma.
"How did you find out about the black fish?" he asks, softly, face burning.
"I'm trying to tell you," Tanuma says. "I haven't been the same since I swapped with Ponta and Aoi."
Natsume snaps to attention, forgetting his own humiliation.
"You can see spirits?" he asks.
"Yeah," Tanuma replies. "I've been seeing a lot of strange things very clearly since that day. But don't worry. I'm not going to run off having adventures on my own. You are the authority on spirits, and I'll always consult with you before I do anything."
Natsume shakes his head, hard. He can't cope with all of these new developments in his relationship with his most important person. He points at the window.
"Tell me about the spirit near the tree stump," he says.
Tanuma follows his line of vision.
"He's a little guy with a big hat," Tanuma says.
Natsume points in a different direction.
"What about the one fishing by the pond?"
"Some sort of ugly frog with fairy wings and too many eyes," Tanuma says.
"And the one over by the patch of grass?"
Tanuma looks miserable.
"I can't see anything there," he admits.
"There isn't anything there," Natsume tells him. "I was just testing you."
"Oh," Tanuma says, brightening considerably. "So I can be of use to you?"
Of use? Natsume isn't alone in the world any more. Tanuma is literally his equal. He doesn't even know what to think.
"Maybe even more than you were before," he replies.
They spend the rest of the evening talking about spirits. When Natsume leaves, he goes to hug Tanuma goodbye and then stops himself.
This is how they are going to be now, and this is okay.
tbc
a/n
+ don't worry, this isn't the end.
+ next chapter will be up in one or two weeks.
+ thank you so so much for reading. you are all lovely.
+ are any of you on tumblr? I'm over there under the username 'bigdots'. feel free to get in touch if you want to talk about Natsume stuff.