notes/warnings
+ baby steps
Part Twenty One
Touko's cooking is amazing, but it doesn't actually smell so good when its three weeks old and covered in cat litter. Natsume swipes one filthy hand across his brow, wrinkles his nose in an attempt to block out the stench, and rips open another plastic bag.
Mouldy corn, empty tins, shredded cat toys, and a pair of old shoes. Not what he's looking for.
"Natsume, what are you doing?" Shigeru asks, voice gentle and unconcerned.
There doesn't seem to be any point in lying.
"I'm going through the garbage," Natsume explains.
"I did recognise that," Shigeru says, cheerfully. "Is something wrong? You know, you can always talk to us if something is wrong. Touko and I know that you try your best. We wouldn't be angry, even if you made a mistake."
"I made a big mistake," Natsume says, trying not to blush, because this is still embarrassing. "I threw out something important to me by accident. I think it's still in here somewhere, but it's just a bit of paper and it might be really difficult to find."
"Well then," Shigeru says, rolling up his sleeves. "I'll help you look for this important piece of paper, in exchange for some help with the dishes later tonight."
Natsume feels as if there are tiny particles of joy rising through his body, like bubbles in a carbonated beverage. Everything is so normal and okay, and he missed this, he missed all of this.
"Thank you," is all he can manage in reply.
"I don't know if you've noticed," Tanuma says, conversationally, "but Taki is actually an amazing person."
"She's like a proper hero," Natsume agrees, pushing one of his bangs behind his ear. "I haven't even thanked her for what she did. I only just managed to apologise to her for what I did."
He's really beautiful. Tanuma still doesn't know how to react to Natsume, but they're here and they're together and he's happy.
"Well, she'll wait for you to say it on your own terms. She is your friend, after all."
Natsume nods and smiles. Actually, he's been smiling since they ran into each other a few streets ago. Tanuma wants to hug him, but he still feels awkward and confused whenever he thinks of touching Natsume. It's different, when someone knows you love them. But Natsume looked so sad when Tanuma pulled away yesterday, so Tanuma has to figure out a way to overcome his reservations.
"I'm very lucky," Natsume says.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!" someone yells, running up behind them and pulling Natsume and Tanuma into a crushing hug.
"Hello, Nishimura," Natsume says, politely.
"You're talking to each other!" Nishimura exclaims, loudly. "Are we all friends again? This is great!"
"Nishimura, put them down," Kitamoto says, appearing on Natsume's left side. "I'm glad to see you're both okay."
"Yeah, what even happened?" Nishimura demands. "It was horrible. It felt like watching a break up on a soap opera."
Don't say that, Tanuma thinks, panicked.
"You watch soap operas?" Kitamoto asks, amused.
"It was nothing," Tanuma says. "I made a mistake, but now-"
"No, it was my fault," Natsume says, deftly. "I was unkind."
Tanuma hesitates, surprised. He's not used to Natsume telling people the truth so easily. And then he realises that Natsume is kind of flinching and his knuckles are white and this probably isn't easy for him at all.
"Natsume," he says, quietly, an acknowledgement.
"Unkind?" Nishimura demands. "You? What happened? Did you drink a potion and turn into Mister Hyde or something?"
But Kitamoto, wise as ever, just touches Natsume on the back.
"Everyone has their difficulties," he says. "I'm glad everything is okay now. Try not to let it happen again, huh?"
"If it happens again, I am going to punch at least one of them," Taki announces, falling into step with them on the other side of Tanuma.
"Taki!" Natsume says, affectionately.
"Good morning," Taki says sweetly.
And then she gets a shifty look in her eyes and elbows Tanuma quietly.
"Hey, can you pass me Nyanko, please?" she whispers.
"Are you going to squeal and do your anaconda impersonation with him again?" Tanuma asks, sternly.
"No?"
"I don't believe you," Tanuma replies.
"You are a good friend," Ponta whispers, from the top of Natsume's head. "When I devour all the puny humans, I will leave you until last."
By this point Natsume is just kind of giggling helplessly.
"Nice of you to join us, Taki," Kitamoto says, waving. "Nishimura was just telling us about how he loves soap operas."
"I DO NOT!" Nishimura yelps, turning bright red.
He lets go of Tanuma and rushes over to launch himself at Kitamoto.
"Take it back! Take it back! You can't say things like that in front of you-know-who."
"I have a name," Taki supplies, helpfully.
"You weren't supposed to hear that!" Nishimura says frantically, and tackles Kitamoto to the ground.
"All our friends are wonderful," Natsume says softly.
Tanuma steels himself, and reaches out and ruffles Natsume's hair, just for a fraction of a second. Natsume reacts as if he's just been informed that he's won a lottery, eyes huge and shining. And Tanuma is so in love with Natsume he can barely function.
This is it. This is where they left off. This is where they start from, again.
Natsume's heart is in his throat. Little droplets of sweat are prickling against the back of his neck. He doesn't take Tanuma's hand, because he's scared he might not be able to let go again.
Jiji watches him with big, confused eyes. Jiji is a slug-spirit, and he's presently a bit lost, so he does things very slowly and softly. He's the perfect introduction to the spirit world, and he is literally harmless. But Natsume feels ill, all the same.
"Nice to meet you," Tanuma says, with great enthusiasm.
"Oooo," Jiji replies. "You're new."
"I'm a friend of Natsume's," Tanuma explains.
"Yes," Natsume says, quickly. "Please spread the word that Tanuma is a friend of mine. He has some spiritual ability of his own, but he is also under my protection."
"Okay," Jiji says, tilting his head.
"He's really cute," Tanuma whispers to Natsume. "I really like the calm, gentle spirits I've seen."
"I like you too!" Jiji replies, snuggling up against Tanuma's foot. "Good Tanuma."
Tanuma is practically sparkling, and Natsume wonders if this is going to be like the thing with Taki and Nyanko.
"We'll help you get home, okay?" Tanuma says, fondly.
"Okay," Jiji replies.
"This is literally the most boring thing we've ever done," Nyanko says, distastefully.
Natsume doesn't care. He's nervous and happy and in love all at once. This is Tanuma's first adventure, however small, and Natsume is glad to be a part of it.
Natsume looks exhausted, as if he hasn't slept in a few days. Taki ignores him, probably because she doesn't have time to do anything else. She sketches furiously at the ground, drawing the circle that is supposed to neutralise the spider-spirit's poison.
"Tanuma," Natsume says, miserably. "I know I promised, but this is too soon. It's too dangerous. I want you and Taki to both go home."
Tanuma kind of expected this. It's only his fourth time dealing with spirit things, and he knows how difficult this is for Natsume.
"But this spirit is very powerful," he reasons.
He can feel its power in the air, like a current vibrating through a taught string. And he can feel his own power – the power bestowed on him by kind spirits who protected him – humming under his skin.
He's not as strong as Natsume.
"And it's going to attack the town," Tanuma continues. "Isn't there anything we can do? Would it make you feel better if we stood further back?"
"Next time, okay?" Natsume says. "I promise I'll let you join in next time."
"Don't make promises that are painful to keep," Tanuma advises. He has learned his lessons the hard way. One should never make promises, especially about spirits or furniture. "It doesn't have to be the very next time. It can be whenever you are comfortable having me along."
The terror disappears from Natsume's expression. He rubs his knuckles against the back of Tanuma's arm.
"Thank you," he says, warmly. "I will definitely bring you with me again soon."
"Huh," Misuzu says, licking Tanuma thoughtfully with his mammoth tongue. "He's not as strong as you, Lord Natsume."
"And he's ugly," Hinoe adds.
Natsume sighs. He was sort of hoping that introducing Tanuma to his precious spirit friends would be a smoother process.
"That's right," Tanuma says, happily. "You probably know that my spiritual powers aren't really my forte. But to be honest, I love the spirit world and I will do what I can to protect it."
"That would be selfish of you," Hinoe warns, poking Tanuma in the side. "You should also keep yourself safe, for the people who love you."
Tanuma looks down, flushing slightly.
"That's enough," Natsume tells Hinoe.
Hinoe regards him as if seeing him for the first time.
"You too, Natsume," she says. "You're practically an adult now, and human adults are not as expendable as human children."
"That's a horrible thing to say!" Tanuma blurts out.
Natsume nods in agreement.
"But it is true," Hinoe says, loftily. "The longer something lives, the more others become attached to it. I expect you'll both be investing more of your time in your human lives."
"Yeah," Natsume mutters. "Yeah, maybe."
"So," Taki says.
"So," Tanuma echoes, forlornly.
He has fought dangerous spirits. He has seen his own mother buried. He has inflicted some of the worst non-fatal illnesses in the world on himself. He has feared for Natsume's safety, over and over again.
But everything seems easy now, in comparison to the damning blank piece of paper that sits in front of him. He did the research once, a while ago, but now he can't remember the name of a single college. And he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know if he can turn around and find out where Natsume is going. He doesn't know if he should try and go there too. He doesn't know what their future will hold, and whether they're going to be just friends or long-distance friends or roommates or something else.
Tanuma is scared.
"You're both hopeless," Taki says, kindly. "Since neither of you have made any plans, why don't you copy my preferences? I'm choosing a lot of local universities, so I can stay in the area."
She's addressing Natsume too. He must be having the same problem as Tanuma. But probably not for the same reason.
"I'll copy it," Tanuma says, decisively.
"Me too," Natsume pipes up from a few seats back. He sounds strangely desperate.
"Good plan," Taki tells them.
They run into another spider-spirit on the way home from school. There isn't time to send Tanuma away: the spirit is right in front of them and lunging menacingly, fangs bared.
Natsume punches it as hard as he can, and it falls back, shrieking.
When it tries to get up, Tanuma smacks it back down.
They draw a huge circle that takes up the entirety of Tanuma's garden, and wait for nightfall. The forecast is for rain, and it doesn't disappoint.
"I wanted you both to see this," Tanuma says, emerging onto the porch with a tray of steaming mugs. "It's really beautiful."
"Even if it isn't beautiful, I'm still glad to be here with both of you," Taki says.
Natsume puts his arm around her shoulders.
"We're glad to be here with you, too," he says, sincerely.
Tanuma sits down on the other side of Taki, and Natsume doesn't feel jealous, but he is a little disappointed. He likes to be close to Tanuma. And he is frightened of the future.
But then the last few rays of sun disappear, and thousands of tiny flying insects swarm out from the rocks behind the pond. Each of them is glowing with a different colour, reds and blues and oranges and pinks. They rise up and fill the air, dashing from raindrop to raindrop, unknowingly creating a magnificent light show.
"Boring," Nyanko announces.
"No," Natsume replies. "It's perfect."
"Aren't we all a little old for this?" Sasada asks, perched haughtily on the edge of her mattress.
"You didn't have to come, you know," Nishimura informs her. "And you can leave aaaany time you like."
"Don't be rude," Sasada snaps.
"Why did we invite Sasada?" Kitamoto whispers to Taki.
"Sometimes, I like not being the only girl," Taki says, at a normal volume.
Tanuma nods. All of Taki's closest friends are boys. She's probably glad to have some other girls around sometimes.
"Besides, it's like you said," Sasada continues. "This is our last chance to do this, right? After this, we'll all go our separate ways."
"Yeah," Natsume agrees, in a tiny voice.
Natsume is already lying on the floor, head resting on Taki's knee. He's exhausted from a long day of homework and school and helping the young fox-spirit guard his land from much bigger wolf-spirits. Tanuma knows all of these things, in detail, because Natsume told him.
Sometimes Tanuma feels like he might ignite from the warmth in his own heart. He loves Natsume so much, and everything is better than it was before.
Tanuma puts his hand over Natsume's foot.
I'll be around if you want me, he thinks. I won't leave you on your own, unless you want me to.
Sasada is watching them, one eyebrow raised. Tanuma isn't scared or ashamed. He and Natsume are surrounded by their friends, and Sasada won't be allowed to say anything embarrassing or hurtful.
"Hey, Tanuma," Natsume says, sleepily.
"Hey," Tanuma replies.
"Well, he's pretty much unconscious," Sasada says, dismissively. "Does anyone other than me actually want to talk?"
"I want to talk," Kitamoto says, softly.
"Then tell me a story," Sasada prompts, flopping down onto her bed. "And make it… hmm… romantic."
"Not everything has to revolve around romance, you know," Taki says.
"That's easy to say," Sasada complains. "But here we are at the end of school, and all six of us are still painfully single. Well, mostly anyway."
"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself," Taki says. "You're top of the class, Sasada. You'll have your pick of universities. One thing at a time."
Sasada regards the ceiling for a few moments, and then nods.
"What do you aspire to be?" she asks Taki.
"An old lady with lots of cats," Taki says, soberly.
Kitamoto bursts out laughing, and Nishimura kicks him.
"Speaking of which," Sasada continues, "where is the evil white pig cat?"
"I think you mean 'fluffy white fluffy cat'," Taki says dreamily, clasping her hands.
"You're hopeless," Sasada sighs. "Actually, all of you are hopeless. Kitamoto and I are the only non-hopeless people in the room."
"Hey, hey," Kitamoto says, holding up his hands. "Leave me out of this."
"Taki and Natsume are not hopeless," Tanuma says, hotly.
"Thanks a lot," Nishimura groans.
"You're not hopeless either," Kitamoto assures him.
"Yes, you all are," Sasada says firmly. "You all want things that you either can't have or you're unwilling to try for."
Natsume murmurs unintelligibly, possibly responding to his own name. Tanuma waits for Taki to comfort him, but she starts shouting at Sasada instead.
"It's okay for people to not try!" she says. "You don't know what goes on in other people's lives. Sometimes they have good reasons and even if they don't it's none of your business."
"Whatever," Sasada says, but she looks embarrassed.
"I guess it was too much to hope that we'd all manage to get along," Kitamoto says, wryly.
Tanuma pats Natsume's head.
"It's okay," he whispers, reassuringly. "Nothing is happening."
tbc
a/n
+ thank you for reading.
+ final chapter will be up in 2-7 days. :)