Broken (ft. Amy Lee)- Seether Lyrics
Because I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You're gone away
You don't feel me here anymore
-888-
Lavender gripped her father's hand tighter. She could not let go; she would not let go. Words of criticism and words of worry pulsed her brain. Her mind was buzzing, she couldn't think straight. The sound of crunching rubble was heard every time she took a step. She wondered how much damage had been inflicted upon the castle after she had been knocked unconscious. Lavender truly wanted to open her eyes and look, but the truth was, she was frightened.
Lavender was frightened of most everything now. She was scared to face the fact that her school had been destroyed. Lavender was terrified that nobody would ever love her again, because she was a monster. She was scared that her friends would all wear identical disgusted faces when she pulled back her hood and showed them what war could truly do and inflict on a person. She was afraid of being worthless and alone. With the way things had been moving along lately, her worst fear would come true. She would grow old alone, with her scars still visible, etched among her wrinkled, depressed face.
Lavender trusted her father to guide her through the castle. They moved up staircases, swerved around corners, making their way to the Great Hall. Lavender needed to remind herself that she was a Gryffindor; she was brave. No matter how scared Lavender might be, she was a brave and she faced her fears. Slightly shaking, she opened her eyes slightly and peeked through the corner of her eye.
There, her second home lay broken. The walls were torn down; large pieces of rubble lay on the floor. The magnificent structure lay broken and dead on the ground. This building was a huge part of her life, and with it standing mangled and destroyed; she couldn't help but to think it was her fault. If only she was braver, better, stronger or smarter this ancient building could have been preserved. 'This is where my friend died. This is where first years were tortured. This is where I was tortured,' Her brain was thinking uncontrollably.
She saw eyes, as well. A flood of eyes entered her brain. Cheerful green eyes. Hopeless blue eyes. Fierce brown eyes. Desperate black eyes. Vicious, rabid yellow werewolf eyes. And at this moment, she felt as if every one of them was trained on her.
Lavender shut her eyes quickly again. Tears began to well in her eyes. A small choking sound made it's way to her ears, and Lavender realized it was her own voice. She quickly took her free arm and wiped away the tears. She gritted her teeth and refused to cry any longer. Mr. Brown turned to her to see what was wrong, but before she could respond to his questioning face, she covered her face in her dad's shoulder. He steered her through the corridors, not abandoning his slight worry, gliding around blocks of rubble. Eventually, he dropped her arm, which caused her to assume that they were in the Great Hall. Lavender removed her face from her father's arm, but did not lift her eyes.
"Mr. Brown! Finally decided to help reconstruct, I presume?" a voice that could only belong to Professor McGonagall barked.
He grinned. "Better late then never, Professor. What do you need help with?"
"Go over there, Benjamin, and help Professor Sprout fix the gardens and greenhouses. I'm sure you'll see a few familiar faces. I assume you haven't lost your flair for Herbology, have you?" the professor questioned.
"No, ma'am. And what should Lavender do?"
Lavender felt Professor McGonagall's eyes watching her through her curved spectacles. The professor probably could not see her, but that did not stop Lavender from turning a bright shade of red under her hood. McGonagall must have known what happened, so she was lenient.
"Let her go where she pleases. She may assist you, but many children from her house are working near here. She may work with them, if she pleases."
Lavender tugged her father's hand in the direction of the greenhouses. He shrugged and followed.
"Miss Brown?" the sharp voice asked.
"Yes?" Lavender's voice sounded small as she turned.
"It is good to have you back," Professor McGonagall said.
"Thank you, Professor."
Lavender turned around and followed her father swiftly. Lavender did not grasp his had this time; instead, she clutched her fist. The girl walked quickly and briskly, so she didn't have to face her friends and the memories that surged through the hall. Thoughts flowed through Lavender's mind and she was surprised by a sudden thud and a tight squeeze against her body, with a force that made her hood fly backwards. Lavender had not been held this tightly for a long time, and she was frightened. She felt trapped, suffocated, like Greyback was on top of her again. The arms were released from her body.
Lavender cautiously lifted her eyes to survey the person who hugged her; just to be sure it wasn't Greyback. Lavender's eyes met pleasant, twinkling blue eyes that could only belong to one person. She surveyed the rest of his face, and he looked incredibly happy, as if the war never happened. Seamus looked so content, his face looked like it would break from the huge smile he gave her, like there was nothing more he would like to do than gaze at her. Lavender hadn't felt that special in a long time. She couldn't help it, she grinned.
Seamus's face was still worn and he still looked damaged from the Carrows, cuts were still across his face.
Lavender remembered her own face, and looked down. She pulled her hood up, and knew her complexion was changing from that creamy white to bright red. She gazed at the floor and whispered, "Hello, Seamus."
"Hello! Blimey, Lav! I haven't seen you in a long time! How have you been holding up?" he asked excitedly.
"I'm fine, how are you?" Lavender responded politely.
"I'm really great. It's fantastic to see you! Parvati! Dean!" he called.
A tall, dark boy came strolling down the hall, near an Indian girl with a long, black plait down her back.
"Lav, Parvati has spoken about nothing except for you this last week. She's wanted to see you for a while, Dean as well," Seamus informed her.
When the two saw Lavender from a reasonable distance, they started to run towards her, smiles almost as big as Seamus'. They made their way to Lavender. They were running quickly, their vision obscured by the quick pace. Parvati finally reached Lavender and enveloped her in a quick hug. Lavender allowed herself to look upwards, as Seamus seemed accepting, so maybe Parvati would look at her face with the same ignorance.
As Parvati pulled back, her eyes widened and her face mutated to the visage of the sympathetic. Lavender was ashamed; she was on the verge of tears. Her worst fears had come true- her best friend was sorry for her. Parvati was surely ashamed, wasn't she? Who had a marred, part-werewolf freak as their best friend? As had become routine, Lavender pulled the hood back over her head. She looked at Dean, and saw he and Parvati shared the same expression. Lavender was terrified. She stayed rooted to her spot, looking to the ground. She was sure that her dad had left, seeing that she had found her friends. Lavender was working hard to keep from crying; she was trying her absolute best to stay strong.
After a few moments, it was Dean who broke the silence, "Lavender, what's wrong?"
Lavender could not contain herself any longer. What did Dean mean, 'what's wrong?' It was obvious, wasn't it? Especially to him and Parvati. By the way they looked at her, they knew exactly what was wrong. Lavender burst into tears, Seamus shot a look at Dean, who looked incredibly guilty. Parvati and Seamus reached out to console Lavender, but the damage was done. Besides, Lavender couldn't be touched any longer. She did what she was best at, running away. She ran through the Great Hall, bumping into a few workers. Lavender sprinted up the stairs, and didn't stop until she reached the girls' lavatories, a place any Hogwarts girl went to mope. She rushed to the furthermost stall, ran in, locked the door, and collapsed, sobs shaking her body. Her bottle of ointment rolled out her pocket and remained forgotten on the floor.
Lavender sat there alone for a few minutes, trying to make sense of the situation. Thoughts, phrases and faces collided, making any straight thinking impossible. Soon, the sound of footsteps came near, and they landed themselves right in front of Lavender's stall.
"Alohamora," an accented voice said.
Seamus' sandy head came into view. Without permission, he sat himself down directly next to Lavender's trembling body. Lavender made an effort to contain herself, to no avail.
In her fragile state, she could not control her mind. She thought back to the Great Hall, the destroyed corridors, and dead bodies, dead friends, and dead families. Curses flying everywhere in the air, collisions of red and green, almost like fireworks, but much more deadly. Bodies flying, falling, disintegrating. Lavender started having difficulty breathing; each breath was difficult to get out. They were loud, shaky, and obviously caused for some worry. Lavender could faintly hear Seamus' voice worriedly asking her if she was all right. Without warning, she lifted her body and quickly put her face to the toilet, and in good time, because she began vomiting all contents of her stomach. Seamus quickly kneeled upward, shocked, and responded by pulling her hair out of her face with one hand, and with the other patting her back. When she was done retching, she collapsed back on the floor and wiped her mouth with her sleeve. After a minute or so, she spoke to Seamus in a choked voice.
"Thank you."
"For what?" Seamus asked.
"For staying here. For following me back up here. For being strong, I suppose."
Seamus shrugged. "I did what any good friend would do. Anyways, I get to spend more time with you this way," he said, a hint of familiar mischief in his voice.
Lavender choked on her sob again. Why couldn't she be strong? The tears kept coming like they always did, except this time Seamus was there. Sensing that something was wrong, Seamus wrapped his arms around Lavender. Considering what she'd been through, Lavender truly could not take any more touching. She removed herself quickly from his arms, and looked at him with scared, blotchy eyes, still dripping with tears. Somehow, Seamus understood what she was feeling, and his arms down. Instead, he grabbed her hand, which reassured Lavender that someone was still there. No words were uttered, but Lavender felt immensely better. Seamus took notice of the ointment on the ground and slipped it into his pocket.
Soon, Parvati and Dean arrived, accompanied by Mr. Brown, who after took noticed of his daughter, kneeled next to her quickly.
"Sorry it took so long to find Mr. Brown, Seamus," Parvati said.
"He's here now," said Seamus, standing up.
"Sorry, Lavender, for what I said," Dean muttered.
"It's alright," mumbled Lavender.
She adjusted her hood and grabbed her father's hand. They all walked out of the bathroom, ignoring the looks they received from girls in the lavatory. They parted ways, Seamus, Parvati, and Dean walking towards the Great Hall, undoubtedly whispering about that day's fiascos, Lavender and her dad walking towards the Great Hall, to floo back home.
"Lavender, you weren't ready to come. Why did you lie? I just want what's best for you," Lavender's father said gently.
"I thought it would make you feel better," Lavender admitted.
"I'll feel better when you do," he responded.
They arrived in the Headmaster's office again, but this time, Lavender ignored the calls of her late headmaster, took a pinch of floo powder, and jumped, allowing the green flames to consume her once again.