Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.

As always, huge thanks go to my pre-reader/cheerleader team. Gredelina1, Verseseven, IamTheAlleyCat and Mary-Alice-Brandon-Cullen. Also to Snarkymuch for beta'ing this chapter and listening to all my bitching when the words wouldn't flow. I love you all.

~ Chapter Ten — Regrets ~

Carlisle POV

The definition of a doctor is a healer. I was a doctor, but I was no healer. All I seemed capable of doing was destroying all I held dear.

When Bella came into our life, I was so grateful for her presence. Now, I wished we had never met her. It was not her fault. The only crime she had committed was to love us, but because of her, my family was torn apart and scattered across the globe.

Edward was the first to leave. When he and my children returned from Volterra safe and unharmed, I felt relief so great it almost brought me to my knees. That relief soon turned to horror as my son turned to me with open loathing in his eyes.

The last words he had spoken were etched in my perfect memory. "You may love me, but I hate each and every one of you. Especially you."

Especially me. Those words hurt more than any physical wound ever could.

He strode from the house, leaving me staring after him in horror. We were all so stunned that none of us moved to follow him. It was not until a few hours later that we learned where he had gone. Sam came to us. He told us that Edward had crossed into the pack's territory and was now at the cliff Bella had once jumped from. We wasted no time in running to his side.

He was sitting at the foot of an enormous spruce. He had drawn himself into a tight ball. In his hands was a blue shirt I recognized as the one Bella had been wearing the day before the battle. Now I understood why he had taken her overnight bag with him when he left; he wanted her scent.

"Edward," I said tentatively. "Are you okay?"

As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized the foolishness of them. How could he possibly be okay? The girl his life revolved around was dead. Nothing would even be okay again for him.

Esme crouched at his side and reached a hand out to caress his cheek. He jerked away from her touch, and I saw a flash of pain cross her lovely features before she schooled them into a calm mask.

"Leave me alone," he said hoarsely.

"What are you doing?" Alice asked, confusion furrowing her flawless brow.

"I'm… I'm waiting for Bella," he said. "She has to come back eventually, and I want to be here when she does."

I wondered for a moment if he was entirely sane, and then I realized the true meaning of his words. He wasn't waiting for some miracle to bring Bella back to him; he was waiting for her body to surface.

"You can't stay here," I said reasonably. "This is the wolves' territory."

He turned his dark eyes to meet mine. "They didn't care about that when you were here fixing their hurts, did they? I am staying here and nothing you or they can do is going to stop me."

"What about the treaty?" Jasper asked.

"What about it?" he replied. "If they want to move me, they will have to kill me, and believe me, I would be grateful for it."

I hated to hear him talk like this. The thought of him dying was abhorrent to me, painful, like a knife twisting in my chest. Though, as I looked at his cowering on the ground, I wondered if I was being selfish. He was in so much pain; he wore it like a cloak. Perhaps it would be a blessing to end his torment.

He leapt suddenly to his feet and gripped the lapels of my shirt. "Kill me," he gasped, a maniacal gleam in his eye. "You can do it. Set me free. You gave me this endless life; now save me from it."

"I-I-I can't," I gasped. "I can't kill you, Edward. You are my son. I love you."

"Coward," he snapped, shoving me away from him.

I was a coward. I couldn't bear to see his pain, so I turned away from him. I could not bear to end his life, so I refused him. I could not save him, so I cursed myself.

That was the last time I saw him. When it became clear that our words weren't reaching him, we left him atop the cliff. The wolves had an uneasy agreement with us. They would suffer him on their land but he was to remain hidden at all times and to leave the area to hunt.

After Bella's memorial service, we packed up our house in Forks and moved to Alaska to be near our extended family, the Denali coven. We stayed in our home near theirs for six months, but the cracks began to show. We were mourning the loss of two of our number. Tanya and her coven were sympathetic to our plight, but the depression we were all feeling did not make for a happy environment to live.

Alice and Jasper were the next to leave us. I had been expecting it for some time, but my heart still broke as they called us all together to tell us they were going. Jasper just couldn't bear the emotional climate among us anymore. It was physically painful for him. Alice said they were just taking a short vacation to visit their friends Peter and Charlotte, but we all knew it was no vacation.

The further we all drifted apart the tighter Rosalie clung to us all. She was furious with Alice and Jasper when they announced their intent to leave. She raged at them, accusing them of abandoning us just like Edward had done. She didn't understand that Edward had not abandoned us alone, he had abandoned life altogether. Alice, in turn, raged back, accusing her of hating Bella and being glad that she was gone. She could not be further from the truth. Though Rosalie held no affection for Bella, she regretted her death as completely as any of us. It had torn our family apart and nothing mattered more to Rosalie in this new life than family.

She and Emmett lasted another three months after Alice and Jasper left us before they too announced their impending departure. They were going to travel together. Rosalie said Emmett needed the time away, and I agreed. My son was grieving for Bella, but his staid belief in being strong stopped him showing his pain. He could only allow that weakness in front of his mate. I understood perfectly. I held Esme as she cried for Bella and Edward, and I cried with her, but only when alone in the deepest recesses of the forest did I allow my pain full rein and take to pulverizing trees and rocks to vent my feelings.

With our children gone, Esme and I were left alone. We heard from them occasionally, postcards from Emmett and Rosalie as they travelled across Africa, phone calls from Alice and Jasper whenever there was need, and reports from the wolves telling us of Edward's continual vigil waiting for Bella to return to him.

Alice continued to use her gift to keep watch over us, occasional warnings about unexpected clear weather days and passing nomads, and always the Volturi. She watched them carefully for any sign that they may interfere with us again. I did not know why Alec had intervened the day Bella died, but Aro's pretended ignorance of it did not appease me.

I hoped with Bella's death their attention would pass from my family, and for the most part I believed it right. Aro actually wrote to me shortly after Bella's passing. He extended his sympathies to us all for our loss, waxed lyrical about the many positive attributes he had observed in Bella. His parting line had been an invitation to visit him at any time, an invitation that I made each of my family swear to refuse. We all agreed to avoid Europe at all costs. I didn't want any of my children falling into his hands.

We had heard from Alice and Jasper only a month before the phone call that lightened our hearts. Alice called to ask if I had known a strange vampire. Esme pleaded with her and Jasper to return and to both of our surprise she agreed.

A new lightness filled us both at the news. Esme flitted about the house, cleaning already spotless rooms and laying fresh linens on their bed. I watched her as darted about, and I wondered if Alice and Jasper's return might portent a return to our old family ways. I knew Edward would not return, and, of course, Bella couldn't, but Rosalie and Emmett may return when they heard the news. It would be good to have the family together again.

I called Emmett's cell phone to tell him about Alice and Jasper, but I received no answer. It was not uncommon for them to not answer their phone, and they always called us back eventually, so I left a message.

That done there was nothing left to do but wait. Esme and I had planned a hunting trip together, but we held off on it until Alice and Jasper arrived. It would be nice to hunt as a group again. It had been too long.

Late afternoon, the day after we received Alice's call, I heard the distant rumble of an engine turning into our drive. Esme clapped her hands together in excitement, and together we raced out of the door.

A black SUV appeared through the wooded path to our house. Alice jumped from the still moving car and into Esme's arms. Jasper pulled the car to a stop and made his way to us at a more dignified pace.

Alice and Esme were talking so fast their words bled into one another. Alice was apologizing for staying away so long, and Esme was telling her how much we had missed her.

"Hello, Carlisle," Jasper said, holding out a hand for me to shake.

I shook his hand and then pulled him into a hug. I was never usually so tactile with my affection, but I was so happy to see him and Alice again that custom was forgotten.

"I cannot express how happy I am to see you both again," I said.

"I can tell," he said enigmatically. He could, of course, feel exactly how happy I was.

Alice moved from Esme's arms, allowing Esme the chance to greet Jasper.

I pulled Alice into my embrace and kissed her hair. She clung to me with all her considerable strength.

I hadn't truly realized how much I had missed them both until they were here again. It felt like one of the scattered pieces of my heart had mended. If only my other children could return too and make me whole again.

"Well, that's what I call a homecoming. Why don't we ever get greeted like that?" Peter asked loudly, breaking the perfect moment with his characteristic lack of tact. He was a lot like Emmett in that way. It made me miss my boisterous son even more.

I grudgingly released Alice and stepped forward to shake Peter's hand.

"Hello, Peter, Charlotte. It is a pleasure to see you again."

"Then why don't I get a hug?" he countered.

Charlotte cuffed him around the ear. "Ignore him, Carlisle. He's as lacking in usual social graces as usual."

I liked Peter and Charlotte. Peter's rowdy nature was balanced by Charlotte gentle one. Their occasional visits, when my family was whole, were always something to look forward to. Now the pleasure was marred by our situation.

"Garrett is here, too," Alice said. "We dropped him off in town so he could hunt, but he should be here soon."

"Yes, Garrett," Esme said thoughtfully. "You say he had met someone that mentioned Carlisle?"

"Yes," Alice said slowly. "This is where things get a little odd. Shall we go inside?"

I gestured our guests in ahead of us and then walked in myself. I fed the roaring fireplace and then settled on a loveseat beside Esme. She sighed contentedly. Having Jasper and Alice home was doing her the world of good.

"So, you mentioned a strange vampire on the phone," I said. "Would you care to elaborate?"

Alice began the explanation. "A few months ago we saw Garrett, and he told us about a vampire he had met. I guess she is a little unhinged as she seems to think she is still human."

"That's so sad," Esme said, holding a hand to her chest. "The poor thing."

"That's what we thought," Alice said, nodding. "We were going to track her down, but Garrett said she's really jumpy. He went back to her himself, hoping his familiarity would help. It did. He was able to get her talking, and that's when she mentioned you, Carlisle."

"What exactly did she say?" I asked.

"She said… she said she killed your mate."

Intellectually I knew Esme was fine. I could feel her in my arms, and I could smell her scent in the air. But those words still sent a thrill of horror through me. My grip around her tightened until it was almost painful for us both. She patted my hand understandingly.

"Well, I am obviously fine," she said. "Something must have happened to this poor girl to confuse her. I think the bigger issue here is how she came to be left alone in such a state, and how we can help her."

"I've got a feeling that there was more Garrett wasn't telling us," Jasper said. "I say we wait for him to get here before we make any decisions."

"I agree," I said.

Esme nodded absently. She was staring at the mantelpiece where our family photographs were presented. Rosalie and Emmett at their most recent wedding. Esme and I at a hospital benefit. Alice and Jasper on a hunting trip in Denali. And finally, Edward and Bella at their junior prom. It helped us to have these images of our family when they were not, and in one case could not be, here with us in person.

"Have you heard anything from Em and Rose?" he asked.

"We called them shortly after we spoke to you, but we haven't heard anything back," I said.

Alice concentrated for a moment on some future scene, and then snapped back to the present with a smile. "They're going to be calling soon. They've been hunting for the past few days and will check their messages in a couple of hours. Emmett will get told off for forgetting his phone."

I smiled ruefully. These little scenes used to be our life; now they were brief glimpses into a happier time.

While we waited for Garrett to arrive, we caught up on news we had missed. There wasn't much to share, as none of us had been doing anything of interest. I was working at Columbia Memorial hospital, but finding little joy in the work. Jasper and Alice had done little other than move from town to town with Peter and Charlotte. Soon silence fell over us and we stared at the clocks waiting for time to pass.

"Alice," I asked tentatively. "Have you seen anything of… him."

Edward's name had become a taboo among us just as Bella's had. He was in our thoughts as always, but to speak of him was to open ourselves up to the pain of his absence. We were all grieving a man that still lived.

"Nothing positive," she said sadly. "I only see him when he hunts, as the rest of the time the wolves block me. He looks… Well, he's hunting at least."

I knew that she edited her words for Esme's sake. It didn't take much to imagine how he would look now. Broken. It was comforting to know he was hunting at least. When he left Bella after her debacle of a birthday party, he had lost himself in the misery so much that he abstained from hunting. When we greeted them from the plane after Bella and Alice's rescue, his eyes had been pitch black and deeply shadowed.

Jasper shot me a glance. He was no doubt feeling the pain accompanying the thoughts of Edward. I immediately directed my thoughts to the happiness I felt having him and Alice home with us. There was no need for him to suffer more than he already was.

After another hour of stilted conversation, the sounds of Garrett approach could be heard. I had not seen him for seventy years. The last time was shortly before Alice and Jasper found us. I was very fond of him, and I once hoped that he could be persuaded to make him home with my family. Unfortunately, our sedate life was not enough to sate his thirst for adventure.

I stood to open the door for him. He greeted me briefly as his eyes raked the room, finally settling on Esme. I realized he was seeking proof of her survival for himself.

"Hello, Garrett," Esme said, stepping forward.

"Esme." He sighed with relief. He embraced her and then settled himself in the chair she directed him to.

"I understand you met someone that mentioned me," I said, hoping to draw an explanation from him.

"Yes, a young girl in the Amazon. I'm guessing they told you she is a little…" His words trailed off as he noticed something on the mantelpiece. His crimson eyes widened. He snatched up the photograph of Edward and Bella. "Who is this?" he demanded.

"That is my son, Edward," I said, confusion clouding my mind. He knew Edward; he had met him before.

"No, not him. The girl." He tapped a finger against Bella's flushed cheek, captured on the glossy paper.

"That's Bella," Jasper said.

"This is Bella? The human girl you told me about?" he asked.

Jasper nodded, his expression thoughtful. "Why?"

"Because this is the girl I met in the Amazon. Your Bella is the crazy vampire."

Thanks for reading. If you would like a teaser of the next chapter let me know in a review or a PM.

Simaril x