Always

What is wrong with me? Why is it that I somehow manage to ruin everything?

Xanatos hung his head, bumping the wall in an uncharacteristically clumsy way. It barely registered in his mind.

He doesn't deserve this.

Obi-Wan stood several feet behind him.

"You're overreacting."

The older man didn't answer because he couldn't decide who he was more angry with: himself for his own stupid actions, or Obi-Wan for not caring.

"Talk to me Xanatos."

"Why?" He demanded. "Why would you want me to do that? Why are you even still here?"

Obi-Wan grabbed Xanatos's forearm pleadingly. "Why are you making such a big deal out of this?"

Narrowing his eyes the dark Jedi yanked his arm out of Obi-Wan's grasp.

"This is a big deal," Xanatos extended his hand, reaching for Obi-Wan's bruised and battered lip, but he pulled back before actually touching the Jedi. "You should hate me."

"But I don't," Obi-Wan said quickly, seizing the same hand that had struck him earlier and kissing the knuckles. "I don't even blame you. You're drunk and you didn't mean to…"

"Don't make excuses for me!" Xanatos shouted, immediately silencing his lover. "I'm not worth your excuses."

"Now I know that you're really drunk." The side of Obi-Wan's mouth quirked slightly.

"This isn't a joke."

"Oh Xanatos," the younger man said, his voice treacherously sad. "The emotional trauma lies with you, not me. You're worth every excuse I could think of. Anyway, I knew that you had been drinking the minute I walked in, and I baited you into anger anyway."

"You should be able to bait me without this happening," Xanatos waved his hand, indicating Obi-Wan's injury.

"But I understand." Before Xanatos knew what was happening Obi-Wan had moved forward and wrapped his arms around the other man, laying his head on Xanatos's shoulder.

Something inside Xanatos tore violently and he shoved Obi-Wan away. The Jedi stumbled back into the wall and stared at his lover in shock.

"Get out," Xanatos said in a broken voice.

"What?" Obi-Wan asked. "You're not serious."

"Leave," Xanatos said, his voice eerily calm. "Go back to your temple, and don't come here again."

It's better this way.

Obi-Wan shook his head. "You're not throwing away what we've worked so hard to preserve over this."

Xanatos laughed bitterly. "You talk as if this will damage us in some way. It won't, Obi-Wan. Tomorrow neither of us will care. A year from now we won't even remember."

Except in our dreams.

"That's not true!" Obi-Wan snapped.

Turning his back on the younger man Xanatos walked toward the window. It was nighttime, but Coruscant was lit up brightly. He didn't see any people on the streets, just faceless hovercrafts.

"It is for me."

Obi-Wan was silent for several moments as he struggled with his words.

"You're lying." But he didn't sound convinced.

"You know that I'm right," Xanatos didn't bother to turn around. He couldn't look at Obi-Wan, or at least he didn't trust himself to. "Let's just call this what it is and go back to the way our lives are supposed to be."

"And how do you know that this isn't the way our lives are supposed to be?"

Xanatos smiled, though Obi-Wan couldn't see him. "Because life isn't supposed to be this hard."

The room fell silent, then the doors whooshed open and footsteps quietly left the room. Reaching out the dark Jedi braced his suddenly shaking body against the wall.

He's gone.

Terrified and relieved at the same time Xanatos sucked in a shuddering breath, waiting for the ripping feeling in his chest to ebb.

The shaking turned to dizziness, and Xanatos stumbled to his sleepcouch. He fell unsteadily on to the soft cushion, and gripped the covers tightly in his fists. They smelled like Obi-Wan; like his skin, like his hair, every intoxicating scent imaginable about the boy was caught in that cloth. A part of him wanted to burn the blankets, but a contradictory part wanted to wrap them around him and not move until he forgot everything.

I can't forget everything. But I'm right about this; I haven't been wrong yet.

Xanatos pulled the cover toward him, pressing it against his nose and inhaling the comforting scent.

It won't last forever. And it's not fair.

But my life has never been fair.

The sleepcouch shifted under new weight, and soft hands brushed stray hairs off of Xanatos's forehead. A warm mug pressed against his clenched hand.

"Drink this," a voice said softly. "You need to sober up."

"Obi-Wan?" Xanatos said, though he didn't know who else it could possibly be. "You're still here."

"Of course."

Of course. It sounded so absurd, but so completely logical at the same time.

"You didn't leave when I told you to."

"I don't believe anything you say when you're drunk. Tell me when you're actually coherent and I'll leave," he paused for a moment. "But then again, maybe I won't."

Xanatos took the hot cup from Obi-Wan and drank it gratefully. The heat felt strange on his tongue after all those cool drinks, but he could feel his head clearing.

"You're a masochist, you realize that, correct?"

"How so?"

"I hit you and you're still taking care of me," Xanatos laid the cup on the nightstand and rolled over so he could face Obi-Wan. "I gave you a chance to leave without any guilt, and you didn't. Things are only going to get worse, you know."

Obi-Wan was thoughtful for a moment. "Actually, I don't think that I'm a masochist, I think that you're a pessimist. Just because something bad happened today doesn't mean that something worse will happen tomorrow. And even if it does, that doesn't mean that the pattern will continue. We can only take life one step at a time."

"And unfortunately you can't walk and drink at the same time."

The younger man glared at him. "I can so. And anyway, you're the one stumbling here."

"Only because you're worse on my mental health than spice."

Laying down next to his lover Obi-Wan laughed. "I'll take that as a compliment."

Xanatos scoffed. "Yeah it's fun and games for you."

"You think so?" Obi-Wan's eyes darkened a little. "My entire career is in jeopardy just being here Xanatos. This is hard for me to, maybe even harder. I don't have the privilege of being able to do whatever I want whenever I want like you do."

"Okay, alright," Xanatos said, rolling so that he was hovering over Obi-Wan, arms on either side of the boy's head. "Truce?"

Obi-Wan nodded. "Always."

Always. One word shouldn't be that affecting.

Xanatos buried his head between Obi-Wan's shoulder and neck to hide the emotions on his face.

"I just want you to remember," Xanatos said, his breath tickling Obi-Wan's throat. "I tried to release you."

Obi-Wan shifted his body, forcing Xanatos to move so that the Jedi could see him.

"I don't need to remember that; it doesn't matter, I'm not going anywhere. Not now, not ever."

Always.

It really wasn't fair to him, Xanatos knew that. He knew that Obi-Wan placed too much trust in him, and that he couldn't be expected to not hurt him again. Despite all his bravado Xanatos didn't give himself enough credit with something as fragile as their relationship. It was a fine piece of art that wouldn't last long unless cared for extensively.

"What are you thinking about?" Obi-Wan asked, studying Xanatos's face.

"You," Xanatos shrugged. "That's been happening a lot recently."

"Good things, I hope."

Xanatos bent down and kissed Obi-Wan's damaged lip.

"Always."

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A/N: I hope you guys liked it, please review! And I know what you're thinking, why is she working on the ficlets when we still don't have chapter 5? It'll be up soon, I promise! This chapter is being kind of a pain because of stupid Gannen and Obi-Wan's date. It keeps coming out weird. Anyway, let me know what you guys think!