Obi-Wan slowed his pace and tried to calm his racing heart as he entered the temple. He was out all night with Xanatos, and he had lost track of time. It was careless, and it could lead to questions.
Questions that could end… uncomfortably.
His steps were soft and controlled, and as he entered his chambers he felt peaceful. He hadn't been caught.
"I was wondering when you'd be back."
Obi-Wan froze, but his heart sped up. "Qui-Gon, have you been waiting up for me?"
Qui-Gon stepped away from the wall. "I have. It's strange, for a very long time you've been coming back later and later in the night, and now you don't even return until most have finished breakfast. I wonder where you go."
It wasn't a question or a demand, so Obi-Wan did not answer, he just watched his master.
Perhaps I should tell him. Maybe this… affair has already outlived itself. Maybe it's time to let go.
Qui-Gon studied him, and Obi-Wan imagined the way Xanatos looked at him when he was trying to figure the young Jedi out. The way that would make Obi-Wan smile, and Xanatos furious. It was so easy to make his lover angry, but sometimes Obi-Wan wondered if all that hatred and fury was just for show.
If he hid behind it.
There was so much potential for good and love in him, no matter how much Xanatos denied it.
"I feel like I'm losing you."
Obi-Wan realized then that he had started to smile, and quickly stopped himself. "You're not losing me, I'm still your apprentice. I still need your guidance."
Qui-Gon himself smiled, but it was almost bitter. "How much of you means that, and how much of you just feels that you should? I know that you're still my apprentice. When we go on missions you're dutiful and you work hard. But when we're on Coruscant you seem… distracted. As if there's something here that holds more of your attention. As if something here matters to you more than becoming a Jedi."
Obi-Wan started. "But master, you know that being a Jedi is the most important thing in my life. It's everything that I've strived for."
"But is that what you truly feel, or what you think you should feel?"
"I do not understand," Obi-Wan shook his head in confusion. "I love Coruscant, so I spend my nights out, walking through the streets and exploring. What have I done wrong?"
I'm lying to him. The person who decided to teach me everything that he knows, to share his knowledge and skill with me. The man who has been like my father. I'm lying to him for his enemy. For someone I'm not even sure if I could trust to do the same for me.
"I just don't know what to do," Qui-Gon sighed. "I don't even really know what's wrong. But you're distant, and you're hiding something."
I don't even know if he loves me.
Maybe it really is time. I've said it before, I've promised myself that I wouldn't go back, but perhaps I'm strong enough now.
It's time to let him go.
"If you don't let me help you then I don't know what to do," Qui-Gon continued. "Whatever is wrong, I'll be there for you if you want me to be."
If I want.
A revelation shook Obi-Wan to his core.
What I want is Xanatos.
I'm not ready to let him go, and I'm not going to stop seeing him.
The young Jedi bit his tongue to keep from laughing and rested his head in his hands. He was suddenly washed with a profound sense of relief that he had never felt before. A feeling of utter freedom and contentment.
In all the time that passed he had allowed his relationship with Xanatos to lay heavy on his shoulders like a burden. He had allowed it to weigh him down and bring him nothing but suffering.
Acceptance felt good.
I may not be able to trust him, but I can at least acknowledge my own desire. I can balance both my wants.
Obi-Wan looked up at his master. "Everything is fine Qui-Gon."
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A/N: (crawls out of hole) So, contrary to popular belief I am not, in fact, dead, just on a small hiatus. I'm sorry about the long wait for Shattered Love, and I especially apologize to all you Xanatos/Obi-Wan junkies, I know how hard it is to get your fix. I'll try to get the new chappie up within the next week, but I can't promise anything. But I'll work really hard! I hope you enjoyed the ficlet, please review.