Disclaimer: I don't own Jedi Apprentice.

Esse Quam Videre: To Be Rather Than To Seem

"What kind of a Jedi is he?" Obi-Wan demanded, slamming his cup down on the table.

Xanatos raised an eyebrow. "From what you've told me, the normal kind."

Obi-Wan glared at him pointedly. "That is not helpful."

"If he bothers you that much just kill him."

Obi-Wan crossed his arms indignantly. "Thanks a lot."

"What?" Xanatos picked up his own cup and took a drink from it. "You came here for advice, how am I to blame if you don't like what I have to give?"

"You're not even trying," Obi-Wan argued in a frustrated voice. "I'm too old to have another Jedi as a rival."

"Time to move on to non-Jedi rivals?"

"Shut it," the teenager ordered, lifting his cup again. He swirled the drink in his hand and watched the liquid splash.

"I don't see what the problem is, you killed the last one."

Obi-Wan flinched visibly at Xanatos's cold remark.

His lover nodded, satisified with the response. "I see."

"No one's made me this angry since Bruck. Except maybe you," Obi-Wan smiled at him weakly.

So that's what this is about. The other boy at the temple is insignificant… except that he brings back painful memories.

Xanatos ignored Obi-Wan's pathetic attempt at a joke and leaned closer to him. "You're still blaming yourself."

The corner of Obi-Wan's mouth lifted bitterly. "I was the one fighting him."

"But you didn't push him off the cliff."

"No… I just didn't save him."

"It wasn't your job to save him," Xanatos leaned back in his chair. "If you're going to mad at anyone shouldn't it be me? I am the one who caused all his problems in the first place."

"Don't flatter yourself, Bruck had issues before you."

"Perhaps," Xanatos said with a shrug. "But maybe they never would have manifested if I hadn't encouraged them."

"You don't sound sorry."

He sipped his drink in an arrogant, uniquely Xanatos way. "What's done is done."

Frustration flitted across Obi-Wan's face. "But that doesn't make it okay. That doesn't mean that you can't be sorry."

"There is no point in dwelling, you can only move on. Isn't that what the Jedi say?"

"You twist our maxims," Obi-Wan pushed away from the table and stood, pacing across the room. "Haven't you ever felt guilty about anything? Anything at all?"

Xanatos didn't answer, but continued to watch Obi-Wan through his startling blue eyes.

"Don't stare at me like that," the young Jedi snapped.

"Like what?" Xanatos lifted an eyebrow.

"Like I'm a child," Obi-Wan's voice cracked slightly and he bit his lip.

The corner of Xanatos's mouth lifted in a smirk and he stood. "How would you have me look at you?"

Obi-Wan shook his head. "Always with your games."

The older man brushed his lips across Obi-Wan's cheekbone. "What's the point of your foolish order if you're consumed by guilt?"

"Maybe that is the point," Obi-Wan defended, ignoring Xanatos's caresses. "There is nothing to be gained from the wanton destruction of life."

"Are you sure? Have you ever experimented with that?"

"No," the young Jedi snapped. "And I don't intend to. I'm not like you Xanatos, I can't be okay with these things. I can't put myself first."

The dark Jedi leaned away from his lover, his eyes cynical. "Is that what I do? Just because I can see the corruption in the Jedi and the faults in the Senate and want to do something about them I'm selfish? You might recall that I've put you first on several occasions."

"You know very well," Obi-Wan said darkly. "The things you do are not done for democracy or justice, but revenge and ambition."

"Well," Xanatos returned to his seat and took a drink. "I'm happy that you know me so well. If I'm so horrible then what are you still doing here?"

Obi-Wan started, and he and Xanatos stared at each other in silence.

"I wish I knew," he said finally.

"Maybe you do," Xanatos offered. "And you refuse to admit it."

"How do we manage this?" The teenager asked, clearly desperate to change the subject.

"Manage what?"

"Go from having a perfectly pleasant conversation to a fight," Obi-Wan shook his head. "It's ridiculous."

"I suppose it's our way," Xanatos rose once again.

"Do you think that there will ever be a time when we don't fight?" Obi-Wan's eyes followed Xanatos's movements carefully.

"Would we still enjoy this if that time ever came?" His mouth twisted in a wry smile.

"Probably not," Obi-Wan eliminated the distance and pressed his lips against that smirk. His lover pushed into the kiss fiercely and passionately, the same way he handles everything around him.

Xanatos pulled away and ran his lips up Obi-Wan's jaw line and then down the side of his neck.

"Don't worry about the other Padawan," he said, every breath tickling Obi-Wan's skin and making him flush. "He's irrelevant, he's not even worth worrying about."

The younger man swallowed to steady himself before answering. "That's not the way Jedi think."

"But it's more useful than anything Qui-Gon would give you," Xanatos ran his teeth along Obi-Wan's lower lip. "What I always give you is so much better than anything he ever has."

Obi-Wan slid his hands inside Xanatos's tunic. "So now you want to fight about Qui-Gon?"

The dark Jedi smiled as he pushed Obi-Wan against a wall. He braced his hands on either side of the boy's head before answering. "I have a better idea.'

Obi-Wan already knew that; Xanatos's bare skin beneath his hands felt heated and his heartbeat raced. He pushed the tunic open and kissed his lover's chest, relishing the taste of the salt on his mouth. When he moved back Xanatos pressed his forehead against his.

"We fight, but we still seem to enjoy this."

"Lust?" Obi-Wan offered a little breathlessly.

The corner of Xanatos's mouth lifted.

"Maybe."

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A/N: So… I still haven't updated Shattered Love. I'm going to I promise! Hopefully the sweaty make-out scene makes up for my tardiness. Please review!