a/n: Welcome to Chapter 9, the true confessions of Toby Cavanaugh. This one is my longest, so go get a snack and make yourself comfortable, ok? Hope you like my version of the truth!
It's still written in the scars on our hearts
"Are you sure you're warm enough?" Toby asked as the pair descended the wooden stairs leading toward the dunes.
"For the third time, the answer is yes!" Spencer nudged him with her shoulder as she tried to catch his eyes. He seemed jittery and distant. Somewhere between clearing the dishes and suggesting this walk, Toby had clammed up. All she knew was she had come downstairs in a pair of rolled up jeans and an oversized crew neck sweater to find a version of her boyfriend that she didn't recognize. He barely looked at her as she spoke and had not initiated a smidgen of physical contact since they had exited the house. This walk had been Toby's idea, so why was he acting like he was being dragged against his will?
As they reached the shoreline, Spencer dipped her toes into the frothing tide. As expected, the water was freezing, but that was nothing in comparison to the subzero chill she was being subjected to from the man beside her. She stole a sidelong glance in his direction. Toby's gloomy blue eyes were fixed on the horizon, a gust of wind stirring his tousled hair. Without thinking twice, Spencer slipped her arm through the crook of his elbow and propped her head against his shoulder. If he was upset, she wanted to show him the same patient support that he was always offering her.
He responded without hesitation, kissing the crown of Spencer's head. Reading that as proof that he was not mad at her, Spencer voiced her concern. "You're scaring me, Toby. We were fine just a few minutes ago, but you're somewhere else now. What is it? Did I do something?"
"No, it isn't you. I really—I've been putting this conversation off for too long, but I need to quit stalling." He broke their stance, instead reaching for her hand and interlocking their fingers in a secure hold. "Come on, let's walk while we talk."
Toby led her several steps along the coastline, gentle waves lapping up their footsteps as they advanced. He let several moments pass wordlessly, the sounds of the ocean filling the void. Spencer bit the inside of her cheek, realizing that he was much better at this patience thing than she would ever be.
He finally angled his head towards her, sighing heavily. "Since the night we met at the diner—scratch that, since the night you found me rooting through your kitchen—I've always known that I owed you a lot more than a few pathetic lines about trying to protect you. And while all of that was true, it doesn't even begin to cover the whole story. This is one of the reasons I wanted to bring you here, to get us out of Rosewood for a weekend. Some of the things that you need to know, they aren't things I want to talk about with the chance of our phones going off or your parents walking in…"
Toby trailed off, unsure of how to begin. He checked Spencer's face, unsure of how his words had impacted her so far. She cast an appreciative look back at him. "You don't have to do this, Toby."
"Yes, I do." He nodded vigorously, refusing to be let off the hook. "I'm grateful for the gesture, but I know that you inner Nancy Drew has been dying for more details. So be honest. What do you want to know?"
His reference earned a dry chuckle. "You know me too well." Spencer reflected for a couple of seconds, her mind whirling through the jumbled last two years of her life since A had sent the first threatening text. "I guess…I guess I want you to start from the beginning."
Toby mentally ciphered through the baggage associated with that very dark period. He squeezed Spencer's hand involuntarily, for once seeking strength instead of giving it. She squeezed right back, easing the constricting feeling in his chest.
"Picture me when we first started talking, the shy and somewhat hostile guy who slammed the door in your face. That person, the person I was before us, was the product of some very ugly things, which you know. I was never quite the same after I lost my mom. My dad was preoccupied, school was a warzone, and nothing mattered to me anymore. Then my dad randomly announced that he was engaged. I barely even knew he was dating. I had never felt more betrayed."
Ignoring the familiar dull ache that had once been a permanent resident, Toby continued. "My mom's death had devastated me, but my dad acted like she had never existed. Jenna came into my life when I was at the bottom of the bottom. I didn't fit in anywhere and I had no one. She preyed on that weakness, acting innocent and friendly at first. I now know that she had an agenda from the beginning…it's who she is. Anyway, I don't know the specifics, but she and Alison quickly clashed and I was a casualty in their conflict. You know enough about that without me having to explain."
Spencer blinked hard, shamed at her involvement in this part of the story.
"I don't pretend to justify it. I really don't. But it just kept getting worse and worse. Jenna abused me and held it over my head; Ali manipulated the situation, blackmailing me all the way to juvie. By the time I got out, the bitterness was tearing me in two. And in a long line of controlling and malicious monsters, Mona swooped in and took advantage of my anger. The way she talked about being a victim, the hatred she harbored toward Alison and the rest of you…I could relate. She chattered about revenge, about teaching this town a lesson. I bought it all—hook, line, and sinker."
He abruptly stopped in his tracks and spun to face Spencer, his eyes pleading with her. "I promise you that I realized I was in over my head from very early on. Spence, I—I completely underestimated what she was willing to do. I figured a few harmless pranks and menacing messages was all Mona ever planned on, but it was already too late. If she had even the slightest doubt regarding my loyalty, she would launch into a rant on all the dirt she had on me. I was right back where I started, being blackmailed all over again."
Toby's eyes dropped to examine their sandy feet, disgusted with the coward he had been. Spencer wanted to ease his pain, but her own insecurity left her paralyzed. She forced down the lump in her throat, asking, "What—what about me? About us? Was that something Mona planned?"
She had his attention now. "No, Spencer, she couldn't have ever seen that one coming." His free hand gingerly framed her cheek as he struggled for the right words. "When you showed up on my porch with a French book, you took me by complete surprise. Mona was stunned too, sure that you were playing some kind of game."
"Did…she encourage our relationship?" She felt her stomach knotting in dread.
"Not romantically, no. She wanted me to collect helpful information from you, but I was less than compliant. You and I had forged this inexplicable bond and I wasn't willing to compromise that before I could figure you out. You were—and still are—this fascinating jigsaw puzzle that I couldn't wrap my head around. And when we were together…and you treated me like an equal…I fell for you fast and hard. I fed Mona a bunch of bullcrap, telling her that you were only tutoring me to improve your college applications and that we never talked about anything personal."
Spencer couldn't stop the corners of her lips from turning upwards. "You lied for me? That early on?"
"What can I say? I was smitten." His sapphire eyes sparkled at the memory of their initial friendship.
"You weren't the only one," she countered demurely.
"Yes, I remember." Toby smiled sadly. "Unfortunately, for us, that small fact did not go unnoticed. Once Mona got a whiff of what was going on, she pounced like a tiger. I had to deny it, assuring her that it was all a sham to earn your trust. She was always skeptical from then on, frequently issuing warnings of the terrible consequences of lying to her."
He could see the wheels turning in Spencer's head. "So…I'm guessing the severed break line and tampered scaffolding was less about me and more about you?"
Toby nodded, reliving her fearful reaction to A's attacks. "When you broke up with me, I came so close to blowing it all wide open. Your unnerving speech that day in my truck, then the arrest, the drama with Wren, and Emily lying to me—I nearly spilled it all. Watching your internal battle was killing me…but Mona made it clear that if I didn't back off, she would only make it harder on you. So I disappeared, brokenhearted."
"I…" Spencer wavered, not sure if she should press him for more.
"You can ask me anything, honey. This is for you."
She broke eye contact with him and began to walk again, towing him along with her. "You don't have to go into specifics," she began painstakingly, "but can you tell me what your role on the A team was? Or if you don't want to, I—"
"Spencer, for you? Anything." Toby stroked the smooth skin on the back of her hand with his thumb. "I never had any part in the scheming. I was never important enough for that. Mona rarely confided in me, and even when she did, it was because she thought she was losing control. All the jobs that required heavy lifting, involved dirt, or qualified as grunt work were mine. I never sent a text and I never had contact with anyone other than Mona. I was a pawn, nothing more. Which was still bad enough to make me despise myself every minute of every day."
"And…you said you lied on my behalf and withheld things from her…is there anything else you did?"
"What do you mean? To help you?" He slowed their pace, worried at how she would react to what he still hadn't confessed.
Spencer bobbed her head, another wave of trepidation washing over her. Toby tensed and went still, causing the knots in her stomach to form again.
"A million little things qualify. For one, there was a night last spring…you four had planned a sting in some greenhouse after the ordeal with the shovel. Mona was worked up about meeting Emily, suspicious for sure. She told me to keep an eye on you. I knew you would have been furious with me for doing this, but…I cornered you at your house and refused to leave until you would tell me what was going on…" he grimaced at the recollection. "When I saw the desperation in your eyes, I knew that I was diverting you from something significant. Selfishly, I didn't want you to go. It put you in danger, which made me just as desperate as you."
Exhaling quietly, Spencer ground her teeth together. After an extended silence, she nodded. "Okay. That makes sense…and I would have done the same if I were you."
"Spence, there's more. Something bigger." Toby shuddered as a long-suppressed image flashed through his brain. "Remember the day you called me your safe place to land?"
"Yes," she whispered shakily. "It was the same night that…oh, Toby…"
"I told you that if you needed anything, that I would be there. And I meant it. I was the one, I pushed him. I had to. He was going to kill you, and I didn't have a choice. Spencer, I—I killed Ian Thomas." He couldn't look at her. Not when he just admitted to murder.
Spencer threw her arms around Toby, a lone teardrop slipping down her cheek and soaking into his cotton shirt. "You saved me, sweetheart?"
"I had to." He said, his voice raw with emotion as he hugged her to him.
"God, we are so screwed up, aren't we?" she asked, the question muffled against his chest.
He snickered cynically. "Oh we've got to be way beyond screwed up by now."
Spencer arched her neck to see his face, her heart torn over all of the burdens he had been carrying for so long. "I wish you had told me this before. I can't believe that was you…you saved my life, Toby."
He shook his head. "How could I tell you that? 'Hey, Spencer, I'm the one who shoved Ian off of the bell tower. Don't worry about the black hoodie I was wearing, that part isn't important.' Yeah, that would have gone over great."
"Okay, so maybe not." She rolled her eyes at his sarcasm. "Well, I'm glad I know now. I…I don't even…I mean—" unable to communicate the surging in her soul, Spencer settled for a more effective method of thanking her protector. Standing on tiptoe, she imprisoned his lips with hers. She would go through it all over again if she still had Toby at the end of the day.
Toby was gasping for air as they parted, his heart thumping to the beat of their relentless love story. It was less than conventional, but it was theirs. He tucked an obstinate strand of Spencer's hair behind her ear, admiring her distinct beauty. "So? Any stone we left unturned?"
Just as she was about to let him off the hot seat, one last niggling memory surfaced; Spencer, being Spencer, had to know…
"Toby, the night of our anniversary, after I saw you and you left my house? Did Mona force you to stay quiet after that?"
His forehead creased, trying to remember what he would rather forget. "Not really. I wouldn't talk to her, wouldn't talk to anyone. I turned off both of my phones and shoved them somewhere I wouldn't have to look at them. I took off immediately, realizing I had gambled it all and lost big time. I vanished off the radar and sulked alone for weeks, unable to face the mess I'd made."
"Did you leave straight from my house?" she asked thinly.
"Look, Spencer, I know that it was a chicken's way out. I am not proud of how—"
"No, you don't understand!" Spencer interjected, hoping against hope. "Toby, I went to your loft that night and tried to find you. The deadbolt was on and so were the lights, so I knew you were there. I called through the door and begged for you to explain. I sat out there for so long…and you never opened the door…are you saying it wasn't you?"
His heart sank at the picture she had just painted. Toby gripped her arms with urgency, wanting to erase everything and start over. "Honey, I would have caved in the first 30 seconds. There is no way in hell I could have ever left you out there. Mona must have made a spare key at some point and been waiting for me to come back so she could gloat. I was long gone."
Their eyes met for what felt like years, watery ice blue mingling with an equally misty set of almond orbs. "I'm glad it wasn't you," she whispered. "It just didn't make sense…"
Toby pulled her back into an inviting embrace, swaying their bodies in time to the crashing waves. "I could never do that, Spence. Never." His lips brushed her temple in an assurance of his love.
They stayed like that for an indefinite stretch of time, basking in each other's warmth. A breeze off the water whipped through them, and Toby lifted his eyes to the sky. Detecting a few dark clouds gathering on the horizon, he murmured, "Maybe we should head back, Spencer. Looks like a storm might blow in soon."
Spencer read an added implication in the rumble of his voice, although she knew he hadn't meant anything beyond the literal message of his words. He had come clean with her, but her conscience had yet to be entirely cleared.
As they turned back toward the cottage hand in hand, she prayed that this storm would be a passing one.
For those who have been asking, the next chapter will reveal Spencer's secret text...here's a hint: it comes straight from a season 3 episode and it has not yet been addressed in this fic. Guesses?