a/n: And now, what you've all been waiting for...

I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty

"I found it," Spencer called weakly, the coiling dread in her stomach threatening to strangle her.

"Great!" Toby came sweeping through the kitchen and retrieved the lighter from her grasp. He disappeared through the archway that led to the living room, yet she felt cemented to the tiled floor.

"Spence, are you coming?"

Time to face the music, Hastings. She snapped out of her trance and closed the drawer in front of her. After their walk on the beach, Spencer knew she couldn't hold anything else back. Toby had been an open book, willing to discuss any part of his A team involvement. She owed him the same level of honesty.

Stepping hesitantly into the living room, Spencer's breath caught at the sight before her. Toby had gathered what looked to be every candle in the house and had lit them around the dark room. Their soft flickering cast an intimate glow over the already homey setting.

"Toby…" she felt her eyes fill, feeling stupid at the flux of her emotions.

"Before you get all impressed, I need to remind you that I only did this in case the power goes out. But don't let that stop you from getting in the mood if you so wish," he finished with a wink.

A crack of thunder resounded with perfect timing. Spencer shivered in response. No backing down.

Toby took in his girlfriend's appearance from his place on the sofa. She stood ramrod still, her arms crossed, eyes down. His gut twisted in concern. "Spencer? Are you okay?"

"I have to tell you something. Well, two things actually."

"Alright," he answered, his mouth twitching downward at her melancholy tone. "Then come over here and tell me."

She crept across the carpet, her heart racing. Stopping before him, Spencer raised her eyes to look at Toby. She could lose him over this, and that thought terrified her more than anything.

He placed his hands on her elbows, tugging gently. "Sit with me, Spence. It will be okay."

"N-no, please, I need to stand…" The trembling in her voice was sending him over the edge.

Spencer shifted her weight from one foot to the other, then back again. Deciding to start with the easier of the two confessions, she cleared her throat and plunged ahead. "I told you a lot last night about what happened to me after you left my kitchen and went missing. I tried to make sense of it at first, wanted to rationalize what I had seen, searching frantically for signs that you still loved me. But the trail turned cold and…I got angry."

She began to pace, her words spilling out uncontrollably. "I did some things that I am ashamed of. I was lonely and hurting and I wanted so badly to hate you, but I couldn't stop loving you at the same time. I pushed everyone away and kind of lashed out." She stopped her movements and faced him fully, shrinking at his attentive posture. If Toby Cavanaugh was anything, he was constant.

"Toby…I kissed Wren. He showed up when I was at my worst, with no idea as to what was going on. And it was nice to have an escape, to have someone who wasn't treating me like fragile glass…" Spencer's voice gave out momentarily. After a few painful swallows, she went on with her eyes focused on the pattern of the area rug. "The kiss meant nothing; I was just so tired of being this fragment of a person. But he wasn't you. I wanted you."

She chanced another look at Toby. His head was in his hands, his expression unreadable. Spencer took a few steps back, tears springing to her coffee-colored eyes.

Hearing her discreet withdrawal from the room, Toby lifted his gaze. "Spencer, wait."

He stood silently, then proceeded toward her with a calm resoluteness in each step. She felt another shiver rake through her body. Toby's fingers lifted her chin, forcing her to face him.

"This kiss really meant nothing?"

"Nothing at all," she said, her voice scraping.

"Do you want to be with him, Spencer?" Toby asked evenly. "I'm serious. Are there some lingering feelings there? Because I don't want to have this conversation again. If there is some unresolved—"

"No, Toby, I promise!" She assured with conviction, her lips quivering. "It's you. It's only you."

He nodded, his blue eyes trained on her with determination. A muscle in his jaw jumped. "You're certain?"

"Yes." Spencer blinked back impending tears. "I want you, Toby. Only you."

She saw his jaw twitch again. Suddenly, his mouth descended on hers with such force that she staggered backward. His hands were everywhere, leaving her breathless. Spencer reacted with a matched fervor, opening her mouth to his and gripping the roots of his hair with need. Her back met with the wall, his hand cupping her head to cushion the impact. His body pinned hers against the drywall and her knees buckled unexpectedly. Toby was there, his arms locked around her weightless figure, keeping her upright as his lips crashed into hers again. He left a line of hot kisses down her neck before pulling back to gauge her reaction.

Spencer touched the tips of her fingers to her puffed-up lips, dizzy and panting. Her normally dark eyes were two shades murkier than usual. She couldn't tear them away from Toby, who still had her in his arms.

"Has he ever kissed you like that?" His voice was gruff and low.

She shook her head back and forth, trying to find words. "Not even close."

"Good." Toby said confidently. His lips captured hers again, but this kiss was slow and sweet. He let her go little by little, blinking in concentration. He needed space for the sake of clarity.

"Okay, so there was something else?"

And with that question, the haze fogging her brain instantly vacated. Spencer pinched the bridge of her nose, willing herself to not collapse prematurely. She shoved off the wall and slunk across the room. Picking up her cellphone with wobbly fingers, Spencer turned back to face Toby. She unlocked it with a queasy feeling rising in her throat, then slid through her inbox until she reached the vile message that had haunted her for the last 24 hours.

Toby watched with a mix of alarm and curiosity. Apparently this was the source of last night's stilted argument, yet her despondent demeanor had him worried. If Spencer had a full-on panic attack, he wouldn't know what to do…

She extended her hand in his direction, noiselessly offering the phone to him. He noted the tremor that passed through her as he accepted it. Toby squinted at the image before him, a setting he knew he should recognize. Below it, the caption warned menacingly: Tell him or I will.

The scene clicked into place. "Spence, what is this? The mausoleum? Why do you have a picture of this?"

Cringing at the heightened tenor of his voice, Spencer thought she might vomit. This was too hard. "A—Mona, Red Coat, whoever—sent this to me while we were in the truck yesterday."

"Why?" Toby set the phone down on the arm of the couch and placed his hands on Spencer's shoulders. She flinched violently.

Spencer pulled away. I don't deserve to be touched. "Toby…like I said, I wasn't thinking straight. I wasn't myself, and I thought that you didn't love me. That you had been toying with me the whole time, that our relationship had all been fake, all so you could hurt me. And so I wanted to hurt you back."

Tears were streaming down her face, the shivers now overtaking her completely. Toby felt his heart leap at the sight, but he was now just as afraid for himself as he was for her. "What did you do, Spencer?"

"I—I—oh, Toby, I'm so sorry. I—" Spencer barely restrained the sobs that blocked the air from reaching her lungs. "I was in there because of Ali. They were moving her body since it had been dug up…I saw it after everyone else left—your mom's tombstone."

Toby felt frozen. He couldn't speak, couldn't breathe.

"I don't know what came over me," she whispered as another cry broke her speech. "I was consumed with this blinding rage, and I—I carved your name above your mother's. I am so sorry, and I'll pay to get it fixed, I swear, I—"

"Spencer."

Her eyes swept over him, stricken at what she saw. His skin was ashen, his fists clenched. There was no expression in any feature of his face; it was a mask of cool indifference, as if made of stone.

"Toby, I—"

"Don't say anything, please. I…I just need a minute."

And with that he strode through the front door, the screen slapping against the entryway as another clap of thunder sounded.

Spencer couldn't see through the blur of tears crowding her vision. With not a shred of strength left, her body crumpled to the floor. Sobs racked through her slim frame. She huddled into a ball and let the truth sink in. She was alone. She had lost Toby and she was alone. Again.

The lights flickered, then went out.