Chapter 17

I could tell Tae was getting bored. His fidgeting had reached new heights as he found one of Sophia's socks, rolled it in a ball and started throwing it in the air to catch as he laid on his back on the bed. It had been raining for almost two days and everyone was getting a little over it.

"Mama, can we go play," Sophia asked for probably the 7th time that day.

"I wish we could Sophia, when it stops raining we will."

"Maybe we should just drive on to the next place," Tae said as the sock hit the ceiling of the van before bouncing off and hitting him in the face. I had to look away at how grumpy he looked, hiding a grin. "I saw that," he grumbled.

"Sorry oppa, even frowning you still manage to look cute. And we can move on but I really wanted us to walk to that waterfall and all the rain will make it even more beautiful. It's meant to be sunny later today too."

"OK jagi," he said, still frowning but holding out his hand to pull me onto the bed next to him. Sophia giggled as Tae started tickling me, climbing up to join in with the fun.

"It's your birthday soon," he said after a little while, pressing a gentle kiss behind my ear as we settled in each others arms.

"Hmmmmm," I replied, not wanting to dwell on it. Last year it hadn't been a celebration, things were too fresh after Matty. I was looking forward to celebrating this one with Tae and Sophia but I didn't want a fuss. "I just want to spend time together."

"Oh, I have plans for that," he said, raising an eyebrow with a smirk.

"Sophia will be there too Tae," I said into his chest, where I was resting my head.

"Yes, I know, what were you thinking I was talking about?"

"I can never tell with you," I said, rolling my eyes. "Let's just do something quiet to celebrate, please?"

"Of course, we can do that nae sarang," and his fingers found mine, gently rubbing my hands.

"I think the rain is easing up," I said and he eagerly popped up, pushing aside the blinds so he could see outside. "Why don't we make lunch and then go for a walk?"

"I'm hungry," Sophia and Tae said at the same time and I cracked up laughing as they settled in to read a book together while I rummaged around in the cupboards for a quick and easy meal.

Walking hand in hand along the wet pathway, Sophia was ahead of us, using her legs as she guided her balance bike along. The rain had cleared and it was definitely Autumn now, the leaves adorning the trees starting to put on a show of colour. This time last year we were almost meeting for the first time and I'd had no idea what else life was going to bring me.

"Sophia is getting very good on her bike," Tae commented as we strolled along.

"Yeah, maybe we should get a proper one so she can learn. Her birthday is soon, that could be my present to her. If you were around still, you could've helped. I think it's hard work on your back."

"Teach her to ride a bike," Tae said slowly.

"Hmmmm," I answered, not paying too much attention but thinking about which kind she would love. Definitely purple, maybe with a cute little basket on the front. I couldn't believe she was old enough to learn to ride but she was growing too fast for me to keep up with, each day learning or saying something new.

We walked a little more before I realised that Tae was unusually quiet. "Are you OK," I asked, glancing sideways, taking in his pensive mood.

"Yes," he said straight away but his voice didn't match his face.

"Tae, oppa, what's up?"

"I was just thinking how teaching her to ride a bike was something her appa should do but I didn't want to remind you of Matty."

"You know it's OK to talk about him," I said softly, turning my head back to watch Sophia. She'd paused to lean down and pull a flower out of the grass next to the path, trying to hold it and the bike handles as she started pushing off again.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything but wouldn't you rather your father teach her?"

"Do you not want to be the one to help?"

He was quiet again and I tightened my hold on his hand, letting him know it was OK to say whatever he wanted to say. "I do but it feels wrong to want that."

"Why," I asked stopping for a moment so we could face each other as we talked, needing to read his face to see what he was feeling. Sophia had jumped off her bike, finding a glade of dandelion flowers that she was picking by the handful, probably to make a flower crown.

"Because I still feel like I don't belong."

"I need you to tell me what you mean Tae, where don't you belong?"

"With Sophia. I want to be like her father but I'm not. And is it confusing for her that I am here when I'm not her dad?"

I let out a breath as we started walking again, pleased I understood what he was trying to say, a little surprised he had insecurities around his relationship with Sophia that we hadn't talked about. "Honestly, there were times when I used to catch a glimpse of the two of you together and think about Matty doing similar things with Sophia when she was very little but I don't think that way anymore. I want you to do whatever comes naturally when you're around the both of us. Everyday that you spend with her you more and more take on that role. I know it's not defined by a piece of paper that says you are legally her father and she doesn't call you that but she thinks of you as the special man in her world. You put her to bed, hug her when she's sad, rub her tummy when she's unwell. Those are all things a father would do."

"But I don't want her to think she has to call me her father when she has one already."

"I've thought about that already Tae. Yes, she has a father and I will always talk about him with her so she knows she was loved by him too. But I know she will never remember him and that's incredibly devastating but just simply the truth. I've had to come to terms with the fact that is part of our story and I can't keep men away from her because I don't want them to be a replacement dad. She deserves to have two parents that love her."

"Men?" He asked, teasing a little to lighten the mood.

"OK, you know what I mean, just one man, I was only talking about you. I'm not going to stop you helping to raise her. If we stay together, you will be her father and if she's ever ready to call you that, we will all have a conversation about it."

"If we stay together? I thought it was a when?"

My whole body lit up at how he talked about it with such certainty. It felt so right, like it was an inevitable thing but life throws you curve balls and I still couldn't quite think that would be where we would end up. "I want it to be a when," I said, blushing even though this wasn't the first conversation we'd touched on marriage. It still brought heat to me cheeks.

"Good then. So, it's OK to help teach her to ride her bike?"

I was about to answer when I felt the first spots of rain. Looking up, I hadn't noticed a dark cloud hiding the sun again, drops of water coming thick and fast. "Sophia, we better hurry back baby girl."

"Ooooo, we're getting wet mama," she said, sitting back on her bike and hurrying to turn it around as we spun to head back to the campervan. I had to laugh at how bedraggled we all looked very quickly but within a few minutes, the rain eased off and then stopped completely.

"It's OK, I think it was just a sun shower," I said, shaking my wet hair, wiping it away from my face. Tae's wasn't too bad as his hair was still short from the recent haircut. And then my heart started galloping and I felt a weight off my shoulders I didn't even know was there."You were asking if it was alright to teach her to ride her bike? I think we have our answer."

"What do you mean jagi," he asked and I pointed up at the sky, to the double rainbow that had appeared after the rain.

"Matty approves."

His hand came up to his throat for a moment and he cleared it before blinking some of the wetness off his eyelashes. "I've thought of rainbows differently since you told me about the day we met. And now..."

"It's such a beautiful thing."

"Rainbows and I have a special connection too. Borahae."

"I remember. Borahae Taehyung."

"Hey, what did I do wrong?" He asked, pulling me close, our rain soaked bodies colliding as he hugged me against himself.

"Wrong?"

"You called me Taehyung. That name is usually when you're mad at me."

I laughed. "No, nothing, I wanted to call you that because I just like the way it sounds sometimes."

"You can call me anything, anytime and I'll come running."

"You're a little bit cheesy," I said, kissing his cheek.

"You're a little bit mine," he whispered back.

"Just a little bit?"

"More than a little bit, much more," he said and we stood there for a moment, soaking each other in, looking at the rainbows as they faded, knowing we'd continue to purple each other through everything that was to come.