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Higher

Chapter Twelve: E-Bomb

"Come on, Bella…wake up." Emmett squeezed my face, which hurt like a bitch. "Wake up!" He got me with more cold water, his grasp on my jaw way too tight.

"Oww," I cried, but I was suddenly snapped out of whatever the fuck that was.

I was fully awake, able to move, and now I was sobbing.

"I got you," Emmett whispered. "I'm not going to hurt you...I'd never hurt you, Bella." His lips were touching my ear, and then I felt his nose hit my neck. "You okay now, sweetie?" His hand spanned my stomach, his nose rubbed down my neck and he sniffed me.

I jerked away from him and out of his hold, my heart pounding now—fear and sadness still flowing through me, and I wished he'd left me alone.

I actually missed being numb, but I was grateful to have the strength to leave his embrace—not knowing Emmett well, not knowing what he's capable of doing, and the way he held me...

It was wrong.

They were the wrong set of arms, not the ones I yearned for.

And even if he had good intentions, Emmett was about to cross a line.

All these thoughts flooded me within seconds. My face was actually still soaked with water and now my tears.

Besides that...now I was able to feel everything else.

I was still high, just not high enough.

Everything I was running from was now at the forefront of my mind—Emmett's words about Edward, what Rose did, what Rose told me about Edward, how I was just some pawn between Edward and his cousin, just a piece of ass, a worthless piece of ass . . . No, wait. Edward paid Rose two hundred bucks to sleep with me or something.

$200 . . .

That's it.

Basically all I was worth.

And above all that, I was still afraid Edward would play me, that I could be getting played right now. The thought alone hurt more than that whole scheme with the money—it actually hurt more than all that shit with Renee, my mother, who just doesn't give a flying fuck.

For a short while, all of that went away . . .

Unable to face Emmett, wanting to disappear or maybe die, because the weight of everything I'd learned today came crashing down...right on top of me.

It felt as though I was being squashed by a two-ton anvil.

I sobbed harder into my hands.

"Come on." Emmett sat me on the closed lid of the toilet. "What'd you take before you got here?" He shrugged, at a loss, kneeling in front of me.

I was, too . . . at a loss. "Nobody cares." I sucked in a shaky breath.

"I need to know everything you took, so I know how to help you, and yes. I do care." Emmett pointed to himself.

"Nothing…the bong and the pill—" I left out the diet pill, thinking that wouldn't count for anything.

"When was the last time you ate?" he asked. "I'm no doctor, but I know...fuckin' with this or that, and not eating...your sugar gets low. Something small can fuck you up hardcore."

I swallowed my tears, trying to remember. "Yesterday, I think?"

"Yesterday?" Emmett grimaced. "Sweetie...why didn't you eat today? It's almost eight o'clock at night..." He shook his head, staring at me. "Yesterday?"

I shrugged, embarrassed to say...I was broke, there's never any food in my fridge. Thinking about that, too, made me even sadder. "I was fine," I told him, and I was angry at him now—for snapping me back into reality. "I just needed to nap...or something. I could take another bong hit now. You can't OD from weed." I tried to chuckle through my tears, because smoking more sounded like what I needed.

Emmett had pity in his eyes. "What's so bad that you—Why are you doing this to yourself, Bella?"

"Don't look at me like that." I turned away. "You don't know me. You know nothing, not a fucking thing about me! All you see is a piece-of-ass, a missed opportunity! Fuck you!"

"Bella—" he placed his hand on my knee.

"Stop!" I pushed him away. "Stop touching me!"

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I wanna help you—"

"Don't. I'm fine. I don't need anything from anyone." I chuckled without humor. "I so have to go."

"No...chill out a second . . . Jazz!" he shouted.

Jasper appeared, like he was right outside the door. "You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah. I was fine. I'm fine now." I cleared my throat, staring down. "You guys totally overreacted."

"You weren't movin', you wasn't talkin'. . . dude." Jasper stared at me, shaking his head.

"It was weed." I shrugged. "No big deal. I needed to sleep it off." I wondered how many times I'd have to say that.

"Make some grilled cheese or something," Emmett told him.

Jasper nodded. "When Alice finally comes over, Edward better be ready to fetch her some shit." He left the doorway, but his words made me giggle, only to cry.

"I wanna go home." I grabbed some toilet paper to dry my face, wanting to get to Alice's as soon as possible. "I'll just—I'll go." I stood up, albeit much slower than I would have, but I was okay. Just mad fucking tired, and I was scared to see Edward.

"Jazz said Ed's on his way here. He'll be here any minute. Tell him you wanna leave. He'll take you."

I shook my head and cried some more, and it wasn't because I was angry with anyone.

I was afraid…of being anything like my mother, afraid of the control Edward has over me, and I was terrified that he might not really care, might be using me.

He's been in my life six days, and I'm this...emotionally confused mess with a black, empty void inside.

But there's no void when he's around.

All my worries fly out the window, and I'm the happiest I've ever been, just with his presence alone.

What if I got used to that…and what Emmett said is true?

How fucked would I be then?

After a week, it's not like I can tell Edward all of that without sounding crazy.

Or . . .

What if I see him and my heart swells—I get happy, like I always do? What if I forget about what Emmett said? Forget what Rosalie told me? Forget all that's happened, and I embrace him? Like nothing's wrong?

I'd be a sucker who deserved to get played.

"What you said…" I looked to Emmett. "Um."

My best bet was to leave before he got here. Make a clean break and try to move on, but could I?

"I said he was a good guy who makes bad choices. He always goes about things the wrong way, and he'll stop at nothing until he gets his way." Emmett shook his head. "You're sweet, you're a lot of things, and you're too good for him, Bella. Will he get bored one day? Move on? I don't know, probably. He is a player. I didn't lie or exaggerate about that." He looked away from me. "Listen, I'm sorry. I was hurt. We were both feelin' you…and he did what he did, and that bitch helped him set me up…Just because I didn't go for it? I knew that if I slept with her…"

"You'd have no chance with me," I whispered.

He nodded. "I don't even know what your arrangement is with him. Like if it's just sex?"

"It pretty much is." There was no reason to lie, and maybe if I said that aloud again, I'd get it into my thick skull.

"But I felt I should warn you before you fell in love or some shit." Emmett wiped under my eyes and then my nose, being really sweet. But when he paused to stare at me, I turned away, embarrassed and uncomfortable.

"What do I know?" Emmett asked, humor in his tone. "You made it this far." I knew he was just saying that to make me feel better.

"Some victory," I grumbled.

"Maybe my words came out mean soundin' before. Like I said, I was hurt. But...I do know a lot about my cousin…and he'd never...fuck me over unless…you were special to him. He clocked me in the jaw." He pointed to his chin and laughed, and I knew he wanted me to smile.

I didn't have it in me.

"Bella, I . . . Bella, I hope things pan out the way you want them to, that you're happy," he said. "I hope we can be friends, too." He squeezed my hand. "I mean that."

I stood up again, getting a head rush that made me a little dizzy. I tried to ignore it. "I have to leave." Maybe I could see Edward another day when I wasn't as emotional or something, when I could make more sense of things.

I didn't know, but I felt the need to run.

Feeling as though I fought through the day, I was exhausted, and I had no fight left in me.

Emmett shook his head. "Eat something first. Then have Edward take you home, or I'll take you home. It's dark, and you can't be walking around this 'hood at night by yourself."

I shook my head, knowing that once I locked eyes with Edward, I'd more than likely get stuck again.

Edward won't let me leave.

I wasn't sure if I'd be able to leave him once I saw him either . . . I wasn't sure if I wanted to.

Needing to make a break for it now, I made for the bathroom door while my head still felt all foggy. Despite being buzzed, I knew I'd make it to Alice's fine. "No. I should—"

"Where-the-fuck is she?!" Edward shouted, and my stomach tied in knots.

"Ed, relax—" Jasper started, but then Edward was in the doorway.

I kept my head down.

"Bella?" He palmed my face. "You okay?" Edward got down on his knees to look me over. "What—"

"I'm okay." And I was…overall, in that hindsight way.

With seeing him, feeling him close, I was all the more awake, the emptiness in my traitorous body had been filled. I knew that would happen, and I wanted to hug him so badly, and I hated myself because of that.

I'm weak . . .

I felt weak.

Since when do I need anyone?

All this confusion was still there.

While I wished I would have left before he'd arrived, now I wasn't sure.

And I already knew that—that this was going to happen.

I'm weak...for this man.

With one look, with just gazing into those eyes, I'll do whatever he says.

"Bella, look at me."

I met his stare, and it took everything not to crumble...not to plead with him, beg him to keep me?

"You're gonna be okay." Edward hugged me tightly, and I believed him. Nothing could hurt me while I was in his arms. That feeling hadn't changed. He just had to keep me, stay with me. "Em…there's some OJ in the fridge."

"I got it." Emmett left the bathroom.

"When was the last time you ate?" He kissed my neck, my cheek, and then my mouth.

I let out a small chuckle, still trying not to cry, smiling to mask my sadness. "I'm okay…I don't know what happened, but I'm fine. The weed went to my head. It was only one bong hit. I just needed to ride it out. I should just go home, sleep it off." I rambled that out, sounding like a robot, trying to remain and/or sound unaffected.

When I went to stand, Edward held me down. "Jazz called…said you almost overdosed." He hugged me tight again.

I didn't hug him back, and it killed me not to. My heart wanted to hold on, never let go, but my brain said something different. "No way. It was just some weed, which you can't OD on. I was okay—"

"You're not okay." He squeezed me tight, letting out a sigh. "Talk to me, baby." His kisses trailed up my neck.

My breath caught, but I pulled away. "Um...I took one of those pain pills and a bong hit—that's it," I said. "I was about to pass out, that's all, but now I'm good."

He groaned, pushing my hair away from my face. "Whatta ya not tellin' me? And I told you not to take—"

"Here." Emmett handed me the juice.

Edward stole it to hold it for me. "Drink." He brought it to my lips, and I felt it dribble down my chin.

I pulled my face away again. "I can do it."

"Fuckin' stubborn ass." He shook his head at me. "Fuckin' drink it! Now!"

I took a large gulp of juice.

"Be easy." Emmett hit his back.

Edward looked to his cousin, nearly collapsing back in relief or something. "Dude...twice in one-fuckin'-day she scared the shit outta me. I run to her crib, thinkin' she's in trouble. I run back hea thinkin' she's about to OD." He held his forehead.

"Maybe Jazz and I overreacted, but..." Emmett stared at me.

"Sorry," I whispered and took another sip, surprised at how awake I was now. More than that, I was surprised at Edward's concern. "I'm not usually this…dramatic." And I'm truly not.

With meeting Edward, I've been able to feel many emotions, none I've ever felt before. And today... I cringed, not wanting to think about today. So many fucked-up things happened, from start to finish, and the day isn't even over.

"It's not your fault." Edward gathered me into his arms as he closed the bathroom door with his foot, shutting Emmett out. "That shit with Phil freaked you out that bad…tell me what really happened?" It's funny how that was the farthest thing from my mind, although thinking about it still made me queasy.

"I told you," I said.

"Tell me again."

Frustrated, I stared at the ceiling.

"Start talkin'!" he yelled, which made me jump.

"After years of takin' my mother's crap, I just had it today…I know I lost my temper, bugged out. But I told you exactly what happened with Phil. I probably exaggerated because I was freaked. Truth is...I don't really know if he spied me in the shower..." Again, I sounded like a robot, while I really wanted to talk to him about everything else.

He shrugged. "I took care of it. He won't look at you no more."

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out, and I tried my best to form words.

"Relax." He kissed me softly. "I didn't kill him. Okay?" He pulled me into his arms. "I told him he could continue to date Renee if he wanted to…but I don't see the point. He's not allowed to look at you. And if he does it again…" Edward chuckled.

"What is happening?" Nothing made sense.

"Shhh." His lips lingered on my forehead. "Baby, drink your juice…The sugar will help until we get some food in you."

Clueless, I guzzled some of it down. "What'd you do?"

Edward scratched his jaw. "Well, I knew he'd be at the tire place…I waited for him, blackened both his eyes. I was quick—"

"You could get arrested—"

"I won't…he never saw me coming, never saw my face, but I said your name. Cops ask you…" He trailed off. "Claim no knowledge."

On autopilot, I whispered, "Okay."

There was a soft knock at the door. "Yo, I got that grilled cheese," Jasper said.

Edward opened the door to grab it, and he closed it again. "Eat some of this."

"You can have it." I wasn't hungry, and I was fine now.

"Take two bites, and then we'll get pizza, Chinese—whateva you want." He held it to my mouth. "Store down the block makes great sandwiches...but eat some of this now."

I took it from him to put it back on the plate. "My mind's been a mess today," I admitted.

"I know," he said, his hand rubbing up my thigh.

Of all the things to feel right now…my hips squirmed. "I'm sorry."

He grinned. "I love that I have that effect on you."

"Oh...you know," I whispered.

"I do…you do the same for me, and I'm a horny fuck. That's why I always gotta touch you." He was on his knees, crawling closer to get between mine.

"Um." I rested my head to his shoulder fast, needing to get shit off my chest but afraid to face him.

Those eyes…they're still as hypnotizing as the night we met. All he has to do is look into mine, and I'll agree to anything…I'd do anything, anything he said.

"Talk to me." His hand rubbed circles into my back, and then he used both hands. "Hottest day of the year and my girl's cold."

"Your girl," I whispered, "is confused."

"Phil'll be fine." He snorted. "I was good. I impressed myself—because I was so fuckin' heated."

Surprisingly enough, my thoughts weren't about Phil at all.

That whole mess with my mother…I didn't want to think about it. I'll deal when I see her or whatever.

"I spoke to Rose, and she told me something…"

Edward stiffened. "Yeah, and…? Just fuckin' tell me. I'mma piece of shit, right? Fuck it. Maybe I am." He backed away from me.

"Edward—"

"Em was feelin' you. I was feelin' you, and you was feelin' us both—"

I shook my head no.

He continued. "When you were straight, you'd go to Em. Whenever the E'd hit'cha, you'd come to me!" He was ranting, but his words were bullshit.

"That's not true—"

"And I wanted you—straight, rollin', I wanted you. It didn't matter if you were sixteen—nothin' made sense." He poked his temple. "And I knew that sooner or later, Em was gonna be petty, tell you about my past, flash his dimples, and youse would be ghost. He'd have you—"

"No!" I shouted.

"Meanwhile, Rose kept castin' ya this wicked eyeball all night. She had one objective in mind—keepin' Em away from you. She wanted him."

"So, she basically pimped me out for two hundred bucks?" I didn't want to be angry with Rose or anyone.

I just needed to know the truth. And if Rose could do that shady shit to me, she could do a whole lot worse, too. Same with Edward, I guess. At this point, I was clueless. I didn't even know how I felt anymore—Edward's presence filling that emptiness. Now I didn't wanna say anything, afraid he'd...leave me where I was, realize I wasn't even worth the two hundred bucks.

He smirked down at me. "No…I pimped Em out, only I didn't get money…what I got was a whole lot betta than money. I got you." He held my chin. "I dicked ova my own cousin…just to spend the night with you. I almost blew it in the morning; I was nervous as fuck…because you didn't know about me, and I knew I'd stop at nothing to have more nights with you, and that scared me. Here comes some broad—we're suddenly at each other's throats, and I'm doin' all this wild shit." He kneeled down to place his arms around me. "It's gotta mean somethin'. . ."

"You...care about me?" That's what I picked up from his words, something that surprised me again.

"I do." He nodded. "I don't wanna fuck this up."

"I would have chosen you. Without the scheme, without the X…" I shrugged, looking to the floor. "And I was only being friendly…I kissed Rose, so I could get your attention, so she could kiss Emmett. If I wanted him, I would have gone for him…but I didn't want him. I backed away to bump into you." I tried to piece together more memories of that night.

"I'm nothing like my cousin," he said. "I can't compete with the golden child…he'd romance you, be this perfect guy. He's just starting out, but... Maybe I fucked up. You might've been better off with him. What do I do on the reg wit'chu? We go for pizza, I get you high, and then I screw your brains out? I'm already a loser—what have I got to offer? I mean, really?"

I shook my head. "You're not a loser. The pizza…the high, the screwing." My voice broke. "It's the best. I wanted Edward. I still want Edward…" I grabbed his hand. "The things you've done—just for me alone this past week—you're insane. But I get it. I understand now...in a crazy way." It all became a little clearer. "You care about me."

"It's done now," he said. "Don't think Phil's special. Anybody fucks with my girl…You're mine." He squeezed me tightly, and I reveled in it. "I might've gotten your mom back for you, too. Without Phil, you know?" His gaze was pleading, his tone sincere. "If he's an asshole, it's better she find out before they live together. If he loves her…it won't matter what I did. He'll fight to stay with her, do whatever he has to…I only knocked him around a bit. Maybe—"

I placed my finger to his lips, still shocked at how much he cared for me. "Thank you."

He nodded, swallowing loudly. "I don't wanna see you put any pills in your mouth. Trees are trees, but cool it with the other shit. You get upset, you shut down, and you look for a quick fix."

Ashamed, I had to look away.

"Hey…" He palmed my cheek. "I'm just saying…I'm no better, but you're scaring me, and this is based off what I'm seeing during a week's span. You say you don't do this or that, and you don't do X that often. It's all fun and games now; you're not addicted to anything yet. But there's a whole lot of shit you could get into. And once you do one, the others don't seem as scary because you hear they're better…but you do shit long enough, the small time shit isn't going to do it for you anymore—you build a tolerance. Bella, if you keep doing what you're doing, sooner or later, you're going to kill yourself." He squeezed my hands. "I won't let that happen, baby."

My lip quivered, and I bit it down, and I had to let it all out. "Some days I feel so sad and lonely. My own mother doesn't even want to be around me. She never wanted me. Sometimes, she'd even get drunk and tell me," I cried. "She used to be a dancer, and she had to raise a kid instead...It's easier to push her away now because it hurts so much, being there for her like this puppy dog, only to turn around and get smacked with a newspaper. She doesn't see her behavior as wrong. Whenever she's home, she's fighting with me over stupid shit. But for a while now, I've been ignoring her..."

Edward placed a kiss in my neck. "Go on."

"She started yelling at me earlier because I left the bathroom in a towel. How was I supposed to know he was there? I'm eighteen, but…I'm still her young daughter. She knew I was alone and still gave him her keys. It just doesn't seem right."

"It's not right," Edward whispered.

"And I swore I'd never be like her, needing a man in my life, but I feel like I don't have anybody…Partying and dancing, it's fun, and for one night a week, I get to be someone else. I'm not boring. I'm not shy, and everything else fades...When I'm with you, though…I get that same high I'd get, but without taking the X, without taking anything that used to fill me. I'm not empty…But then I think too much, and I went from having no one, and now you're here. I like being with you more than I should—"

"Shhh, baby. Don't cry. This has been the best week for me, too. Bella, getting to see you is the best part of my day. And when we fuck around, what your touch does to me…" He crashed his lips to mine, but he'd opened the floodgates.

I sobbed into his mouth. "I'm sorry."

"You told me I was special…I didn't believe you, but you are special to me. Granted, I was away for a while, but no broad even compares. You think I trust easy? Give people the key to my room? Talk their ears off for three hours about some bullshit…? I do all these things, so you can get to know me. Because…I need you to know me, and it's confusing, and it doesn't make a lot of sense..." He furrowed his brow. "But this feels right."

I nodded. "I care so much about you, too, but I really haven't been holding back. I have all these hang-ups when nothing's really happened to me yet…I feel like my life only started last week, and I'm scared—"

"We did jump right in." He smiled. "That would make sense. Fucking Jazz…it's a week later and he's still in the dugout. You and me…we got right down to business in more ways than just fucking. But from jump…I didn't stand a chance any-fucking-way. I scoped you crossing the street…" He chuckled. "And you were gorgeous. You were perfect...still are." He nuzzled his nose to mine. "I couldn't look or talk to you at first, guessing we had nothing in common, but then I heard what you were saying."

"Your eyes," I whispered. "You kept catching me looking at you…"

He lifted my chin. "That's what let me know…that maybe I had a shot since you kept staring." He gently kissed my lips, but he didn't deepen in.

There was another knock. "Yo…" It was Jasper. "Alice called. Bella, you have to call her back, and I have to piss."

Edward smiled and lifted me to stand with him, and I felt lighter having gotten so much shit off my chest.

Thank you for reading, but their night isn't over yet.

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