Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. No Copyright infringement is intended.
Beta'd by HollettLA
Higher
Chapter Thirty-Five: Numb
When I woke up, it was still dark outside, our bedroom dimly lit by the street lamp. My eyes felt as though they were swollen shut, sore from all that crying the night before, and once all those memories flashed back…
My heart was breaking again.
It wasn't some nightmare, but just for those few seconds…while I was groggy and just opening my eyes, nothing was wrong.
But I couldn't—didn't cry.
Within the seconds of my waking up, I'd heard Edward bustling around the room, and I turned to him. "What are you doing?" I cleared my throat, squinting to see him.
"I'm packing your stuff."
My breath caught, and I opened my mouth to inquire why he was doing that, but he beat me to it.
"You're gonna stay with my dad for a little while," he explained, throwing my clothes into a duffle. "I spoke to him after you fell asleep. It's all good."
"What-what about you?" I asked, ripping the covers off. "Edward—"
"I can't stay with him," he said. "I got too much goin', but soon." Edward nodded, sucking in a breath as he continued his task. "It won't be too long, I promise. I just need a few days, and it's better…if I'm not worrying about you while I settle some shit."
Tentative, I stepped toward him, reaching for the bag. "We don't need a house. I can take out loans for tuition. Just stop what you're doing, please!" I begged.
He groaned, staring to the ceiling.
I backed away from him. "Just listen to me for a minute—"
"You don't know jack shit about what I'm doing." He pointed to himself.
"You're doing—I know, Edward. I'm not stupid," I whispered, my stomach tying in knots.
His shoulders dropped and he came toward me.
Instinctively, I backed away again when I didn't mean to, but he stopped in his tracks anyway. "You're scared of me now?" He was calm.
"No…" I stepped closer.
"It's only for a little while," he whispered. "I won't…do what I'm doing forever. I need the quick cash, and the more moves I make, the more cash, baby. I'm doing this for us—for our future. I'm almost there, almost where I can stop. Shit's been moving fast. It's a good thing." He smiled.
I was afraid of that, him confirming that—me being the reason he's slinging. "Edward—"
"Go get ready to leave. I was just about to wake you anyway," he said.
"We can get a small place that we can afford." I closed the distance between us to grab his hands. "We can both work. It might take longer, but—"
"Don't fight me." His gaze was cold which put butterflies in my stomach—the bad ones. "I'm off today. Since it's so dead, Dad said fuck it, plus the holiday…but I got some shit I gotta handle. I'm gonna call a cab that'll take you straight to my dad's."
"Okay." I didn't know what other choice I had other than to agree.
Honestly, I wanted out of this neighborhood more than anything. No, more than that I wanted Edward with me wherever we'd go. If he left this place…he'd stop associating with those people, the people who sell shit for him. Maybe?
"I'm scared," I admitted.
"Don't be." He wrapped his arms around me. "You'll be fine. My father knows this is a rough 'hood. I didn't tell him shit, but . . . Nothing's gonna happen—"
"You could get killed or go back to prison—"
He stiffened. "Bella—"
I wanted to hit him, do something so he'd listen. I gripped his shirt tightly, pleading. "It's because of me. If you die or get arrested, it'll be because of me—it'd be on my head...Regardless, I'd die, too—I'd—I'd—" I started crying once more, and it hurt my eyes.
"Stop." His lips lingered on my forehead. "Things are coming together already. All right? Sooner than you think—very soon. I just needed to get ahead so I can stop altogether." Edward nudged me away slightly to continue packing my things. After about a minute, he looked to me again. "Get ready."
My heart was in a million pieces as I got dressed. While I brushed my teeth, I noticed my eyes were puffy, and they were all pink.
Jasper knocked, needing the bathroom since he has to work today, and seeing him made me miss Alice. We have biology together, and we still manage to see each other quite often—whether she's here or we're at school. They're fine, happy, and there's never any drama between her and Jasper.
For a second while I put my sneakers on, I was jealous of the simplicity of their relationship.
Someone was dead because of me.
Edward might go back to prison…because of me.
Edward could die…because of me.
Knowing I could never live with myself if the last two happened, I didn't fight with Edward as he put me in the taxi.
"I'll see you soon." He wore a hint of a smile, nuzzling his nose to mine.
I wanted to answer—say something, but I didn't trust my voice. I welcomed his kiss, his sloppy, passionate, love-filled kiss, and I never wanted it to end. I wanted to hold on to him and never let go. I wanted to crawl inside him and attach myself if that was possible.
"I love you, baby." He kissed me once more.
I grasped his shirt. "I love you…so, so much, Edward." My voice broke. "I love you."
He dried my tears, chuckling. "You'll see me later. Maybe we'll get some dinner?"
"I love you…" I pulled him down to me for one last kiss.
Edward walked me backward, making me sit in the car. "I'll see you soon." He closed the door to lean into the front passenger seat, telling the driver his father's address; he paid for the ride, too.
And I wanted to run out of the car, refuse to leave.
But I didn't.
Logic won—it beat what my heart wanted, and I sat back.
"I'll see you later, my love." Edward crooned, poking his head in to peck my lips.
I nodded, swallowing my cry.
Edward backed up to stand on the stoop as the car pulled away from the curb.
Immediately, I began to sob while we drove farther and farther away.
But I managed to pull myself together when we hit Fourth Avenue.
"Take me to Bay Ridge," I told the driver. "84th and Fourth."
"But he said—"
"84th and Fourth," I pleaded.
"All right." He nodded as he turned right onto the avenue.
ExXxB
My mother wasn't home. It was only half past seven when I'd arrived, which meant she'd just left for work.
No one was home. Thank God. Phil works in Manhattan, and he was gone already, too.
My room looked the exact same way I'd left it.
It was emptier than it used to be, but the bed was made.
And old habits do die hard . . .
Needing something, needing to get out of my brain, needing something to take the edge off, I went into the bathroom to search the medicine cabinet. Finding Phil's prescription of Valium was a godsend. I knew what they were. Renee had taken them for a while a couple of years ago.
Nevertheless, I took two—hoping I'd sleep, wake up or maybe not wake up.
I didn't know what I was doing here.
All I knew was that…
If Edward and I stayed together, those bad things would happen.
Meanwhile, I couldn't live without Edward.
I thought about taking all of the Valium, and I stared at the bottle for a long time.
Before I felt myself dozing off, I tried to think up ways to make Edward listen to me—hear me out, beg him to stop what he's doing. It seems as though I can't broach the subject without him freaking out or stopping me, or jumping to conclusions.
When I crawled into bed, I placed the bottle of Valium into my pocket, thinking I'd try to reach Edward later.
And if I couldn't . . .
I'd save him by taking myself out of the equation.