Hating my damn internet again, now I have to retype my entire author's note... Anyway...

So what happened last chapter? Was I being punished for being a day late? 4 reviews? That's it :( I know you all were upset but daaaamn.

I think I like need reviews to breath or something.

Thanks to Jennception for looking this over as always.

The First 24
Chapter 13

January 20 – 8:00AM

Rachel looked at herself in the mirror in the master bathroom. After applying the last of her make-up she worked at tucking her blouse into the hem of her skirt and made her way into the bedroom to pull on a pair of her heels. The entire time she was well aware of her wife watching her.

The two days they'd been in California had been very uneventful. But, while they were busy relaxing, she'd noticed a huge change in Quinn's demeanor. It seemed that all the blonde really needed was a change of scenery. The difference in atmosphere seemed to get Quinn out of her closed-off haze of events that always seemed to flood into her mind. Rachel couldn't be happier. She'd been able to share a bed with her wife for almost a week straight. It was like things were getting back to normal for her… for them.

"You off to the studio to meet everybody?" Quinn looked over the top of her laptop at her wife who had just stood up from the bed.

Rachel nodded her head before walking around to Quinn's side of the bed and gently moving the laptop to be able to get closer. "And you're going with Brittany and Santana on their house hunting adventure."

"Yeah… wish me luck on that one Rach." The blonde looked away and lifted her hand to cover her mouth in an attempt to hide her yawn.

The brunette bit her lip. She knew that Quinn hadn't been sleeping for more than a few minutes at a time, but thought better than to point it out. Quinn had been doing so well and Rachel decided to keep treating her as she normally would, and wait for the blonde to bring up anything that was running through her mind. If Quinn wanted to talk, then she'd wait for her to talk.

"Well good luck to you my love." Rachel leaned down and stole Quinn's lips with her own. It was a sweet, short kiss that made both of them smile. Rachel could tell the smile was fake, but again decided not to point it out. Giving Quinn time was the best thing she could do. It had only been a month since everything happened.

"I'll see you for dinner?" Quinn's voice was hopeful. She knew that once Rachel started filming the movie at the beginning of the following week, her schedule would be packed and it would be a struggle to see her. When she caught Rachel's smile she couldn't help but to return it. She was thankful that it wasn't forced like 90% of her smiles lately had been. Showing people she was okay meant they'd stop asking if she was okay.

The brunette carefully placed her hand on her wife's cheek and looked into her eyes. "It's just a read through I'll probably be home before you guys are… knowing how picky Brittany can be."

"I think the first appointment is at noon. I might just nap some until we leave."

"Alright. I'll call you later to see how things are going. I love you." Rachel pressed another gentle kiss against Quinn's lips before pulling away.

"I love you too, drive carefully." Quinn kept her eyes on her wife as she watched her leave the room. Her eyes closed and she took several deep breaths. She was unsure of how much longer she could continue to hold up this façade. Running her fingers through her hair she climbed out of bed and made her way to her dresser. After pulling out a change of clothes she made her way into the adjoining bathroom. "Look at you…" She whispered to herself in the mirror.

Her eyes locked with her own reflection. The eyes that were once a bright, hazel, were now lifeless and dead. She couldn't rid herself of the memories, no matter how hard she tried. She couldn't get away from his touch, his scent, his words. All of it was etched into the deepest parts of her mind. She pulled herself away from the mirror and turned the water in the shower on. A hot shower helped a little bit. It helped to get rid of the filth that continued to remain on her body. The filth that he gave her – that he caused her to feel.

The one thing she noticed ever since she got home for the first time. Every time she stripped, she closed her eyes. Quinn couldn't bear to look at any part of her own disgusting body. Not after him. Her showers were taken in darkness, she changed in darkness. She couldn't even handle staying in the same room as Rachel as she changed. Just the thought of being around anybody when she changed made her sick. Then again… why would anybody want to look at the filth that was her?

Once the hot water of the shower hit her body she hissed in pain. The water was a little hotter than average, but she needed to drown away her mental and emotional pain with physical pain. But it wasn't enough. As she scrubbed angrily at every inch of her skin she was forced to keep her eyes closed as pictures of him in front of her and above her flashed in front of them. She couldn't get him off of her. Quinn blindly reached out from behind the shower curtain to grab her little box that she'd gotten while gathering clothes from the dresser. She should have known she wouldn't be able to make it through the shower without it.

Releasing a soft sniffle, she opened her eyes long enough to open it and pull out her newest friend. It seemed trivial but it helped to ease her pain. She wasn't some teenager anymore who bled out to release pain over a boyfriend who broke up with them. No. She was a 38 year old woman who was faced with death and won. It was something she wished she'd lost though. Because she won her battle, she was left with a constant struggle. A heavenly sigh escaped her lips at the feeling of her flesh ripping apart under the blade in her hand. The warming sensation that followed was soothing and she quickly forgot her pain.

In the end it never lasted long, but it tended to be enough to get her through her day. Just a few more wounds and she knew she'd be able to make it through the day. She's be able to plaster that smile back onto her face and show that she was perfectly fine. Even though on the inside, she was broken, battered, and most of all… lost and confused.

January 20 – 12:45PM

That was a waste of time. The first house that they'd been shown was smaller than their current condo. Brittany and Santana were after a house. And to them, that wasn't a house.

"Next one's in your neighborhood Quinnie." Santana smirked into the rear view mirror at her friend. Her expression quickly fell when she saw her best friend's head tilted to the side and her eyes closed. "Quinn?" The Latina turned around at a traffic light to see that Quinn was, in fact, asleep. "B, look…"

The blonde passenger turned around in her seat and smiled warmly at her friend. "She's so tired." She glanced at her wife as she started to pull through the intersection. "Take your time getting to the next house."

"B, hun, we're in L.A. it's going to take us a while." She grumbled as they rolled to a stop at the next traffic light. "I'm already hating this traffic." Santana turned to glare at the driver beside her that laid on the horn because she didn't drive through the yellow light. "Oh yes, just like home. Just like New York."

Brittany snapped her fingers a few times in front of Quinn's face before waving her hand, just to make sure she was asleep before taking that same hand and lacing her fingers with Santana's. "I'm worried about Q." Her voice was soft, wanting to make sure that the upcoming conversation didn't wake up their friend from a much needed sleep.

"I am too." Santana's voice was just as soft. Doing emotional things was never at the top of her acceptance list. But whenever she knew someone had to talk, she was always there to listen.

"We talked in the car…" Brittany pulled her hand away to rest on the spot on her hip where her own scars were at. "She didn't tell me, but I could figure it out… San I've been there, I know what the signs are. Hell, so do you."

"You think she's…?" Santana's eyes darted up to the mirror again to make sure Quinn was still asleep.

The dancer just sighed before nodding. "I don't think San… I know. I think it's on her stomach."

The car became quiet after that. Santana remembered what it was like dealing with Brittany all those years ago. Part of her wondered if Rachel could handle Quinn's incoming breakdown on top of her budding movie career. She knew that her and Brittany would only be there to help for a few more days before being forced to return to their lives in New York. There wasn't much they'd be able to do from 3000 miles away.

Santana was so lost in thought that she didn't even hear her cell phone start to ring. It fell unnoticed until she saw Brittany reaching for it.

"Hi Rach!" Brittany chirped when she answered. "Everything's good. Quinn's actually asleep right now." The blonde glanced back at her friend to make sure she was still out cold. "Sanny's driving so that's why I answered. That's okay right?" She frowned some, affectively drawing a small smile from her wife. "Good. Yeah, the first place was way too small. We're going to the second house now… sounds great. We'll see you around 6. K? Bye!" She flipped the phone closed before tossing it back into Santana's purse. "Rachel's probably getting out earlier than expected."

"Okay." Was all Santana could say. Her mind was too far gone in memories of Quinn's past break downs. She'd been there for most of them and she was currently trying to figure out a way to help her closest friend before said break down hit her. Thankfully, Brittany always knew that and knew just when to stop talking and let her have her thoughts.

September 20, 2010
-Junior Year of High School-

"A lot's changed over the summer." Quinn stated plainly before slamming her locker shut and turning to walk away. With everything else on her mind, being cornered and questioned by Santana was the last thing she needed.

Santana couldn't take a hint though – she never could. "So tell meJuno, why the change in attitude?"

The blonde Cheerio just chewed idly on the inside of her lip. Telling Santana the truth was out of the question. She already knew she'd be ridiculed regardless, but, leaving out a very important detail would make or break everything. "Can't I just be tired of being a bitch?"

"Nice one Fabray. Now let's try the truth, shall we?"

Quinn knew she wasn't going to let it drop. Instead of coming clean right away, she led them through the parking lot, toward her own car. "Get in." She didn't wait for a response before she climbed behind the wheel.

"Why all the secrecy?" The Latina's expression changed – softened even – when she noticed the tears welling up in her best friends eyes. "Don't tell me you're pregnant again."

Quinn allowed the tears to fall down her cheeks – making no attempt to stop them. With the question she was about to ask, she couldn't bring herself to even look at Santana. "How did you know you liked girls?"

The Latina was a bit taken aback by the question. "I – I… um… you think you…?" Quinn just nodded before allowing herself to completely break down. "Hey, it's okay." Santana pulled the blonde into her embrace and rubbed soothing circles on her lower back. "Who?"

"Who what?"

"Who do you like? Like…" she backed away to look into Quinn's eyes, "how I fell for Britt."

"I can't tell you…"

"Why not? Come on Q, I know how to take things seriously. This is serious to me."

"Rachel."

An eternity seemed to pass before Santana finally found her voice again. It wasn't mocking. She couldn't mock Quinn for something like that, she knew first hand that you can't help who you fall in love with. "Berry? Like… Queen of the troll people… that Rachel?" Quinn nodded before starting to cry harder.

January 20 – 4:50PM

"I still can't believe you two let me sleep through the second house."

"Well, Rachel said you haven't been sleeping much. And you just looked so cute and comfortable."

"Cute… right…" Quinn rolled her eyes as she walked toward the kitchen to start making dinner.

"Why don't you guys let us take you out for dinner tonight?" Santana leaned against the counter near her friend. Her eyes kept daring down to the blonde's shirt covered stomach in hopes of catching a glimpse of skin. Santana always had ways of finding out things without actually coming out and asking.

Quinn stopped what she was doing to look at her friends. "You guys go… have a romantic night out." She forced a smile at Santana before moving to the other side of her to go to the fridge.

"You and Rach should totally come with us!" Brittany gently pressed herself against her wife's body and tilted her head to get a better look at Quinn, who was currently digging something out of the back of the freezer.

When the attorney looked up she froze. She knew that Brittany and Santana were always so lovey dovey with one another, but to actually have it thrown in her face all the time was starting to become too much. She just stood there for a few seconds to regain her thoughts, the whole time her eyes never left them. Oh how she wished she could feel comfortable enough to do that with Rachel again. Truth be told, she ached for Rachel's touch, for her kiss, and for her caress. But every single time they were near each other for more than a few minutes her body went into panic mode and she pulled away.

"Quinn?"

Santana started to take a step toward her friend when she saw the woman's expression change from playful to serious in the blink of an eye. But each step she took closer she saw the taller blonde take one backwards. "You guys go." Was the last thing Quinn spat out before leaving the kitchen and going into her bedroom.

Once she locked the door behind her she made her way toward the walk-in closet which held a full length mirror. What was wrong with her? She closed her eyes as she came to a stop in front of her own reflection. Why couldn't she look at herself? Quinn's hands came to rest on the wall on the sides of the mirror and she forced her eyes open. Her hazel eyes looked nowhere else other than her own hazel eyed reflection. 'Stupid whore. Nobody loves you.'

Her eyes slammed shut again as his words continued to flood into her mind. She was filthy. She was a whore. Nobody loved her. Why would anybody want to be with damaged goods? Slowly, as she'd done a few times in the past, she slipped out of her clothing and forced her eyes to stay open. The first thing she noticed was her protruding ribs. She hasn't been eating much, she knows it, but actually seeing the effects of it is another thing. Her fingers slowly traced the outline of the bones. Maybe she'd consider eating more… maybe.

Her line of sight completely skipped over the bright red lines that marred the pale skin of her stomach. Even though he caused them, she did them. She did them to take away his pain. Quinn trailed her fingertips down along her hip then her thigh before coming to a stop over one of the many scars that remained on her body from Jim. Something she'd never be able to wash away no matter how much or how often she scrubbed. Quinn remembered exactly which knife each of those white lines came from. The one she touched now, was from a rusted out switch blade, while the one just to the left of it was from a paring knife he used to cut an apple up with. Her eyes fell closed as she remembered just how much it burned to feel the acid from the apple mixing with her open wound.

"Hey Q? You okay in there?" Brittany's muffled voice echoed through the bedroom.

Quinn just ignored her. Why did Brittany care anyway? Why did any of them care? Why couldn't they all just leave her alone when she wanted to be alone? She slowly sank down onto her knees on the carpet and allowed her mind to wander, yet again. Over and over in her head she heard him telling her that nobody loved her. That she was nothing but a piece of filthy trash… Quinn knew what she had to do.

January 20 – 8:20PM

"You never cease to amaze me Quinn." Rachel smiled up at her wife from her place on the carpet as she was handed a glass of wine. The pair were in their bedroom on their throw rug in front of the electric fireplace. "How did you manage to get Brittany and Santana out of here for the night?"

Quinn carefully sat down beside her and sipped from her own glass. "They talked about going out to dinner, and I told them I wanted to spend time with you." She glanced at the brunette with a small smile on her face. "You're gorgeous, you know that?"

A slight blush crept onto Rachel's cheeks and her eyes diverted away for a moment. "Well so are you."

Reaching out to the side, Quinn carefully put her glass down on the carpet, making sure it wouldn't tip over before leaning in and pressing her lips gently to Rachel's. It was now or never to find out how much the diva truly loved her. She lifted her hand to press it to the expanse of tanned skin that was available on her neck and shifted to get her body closer. Quinn felt her heart begin to race at the closeness of Rachel's body to her own but she fought it. She fought back against the panic to savor the intimacy only her wife could give her. Rachel wasn't pulling away from her. Just as she had feared earlier that she would. She had assumed the smaller woman would try to push her away. But, feeling Rachel's touch on her body only showed her that she did love her – regardless of what happened.

"Mm, Quinn." Rachel whimpered when the blonde's lips traveled across her jaw and down her neck. Her eyes fell shut and her head tilted to the side to allow her wife more access to her skin. "Baby, so good." She whispered at the familiar sensation of teeth nipping the skin near her pulse point. Blindly she reached out to place her glass near Quinn's on the floor before wrapping her arms around the blonde's neck and allowing herself to be pressed onto the floor, on her back. Her eyes opened to meet Quinn's staring back into hers intently.

"I missed you Rach."

A soft moan escaped Quinn's throat when she was pulled down into another kiss with Rachel. A kiss she didn't fight, one she couldn't fight. It was slow and passionate, the kind that set her entire body on fire. Knowing that her body wasn't reacting in a negative way to Rachel's lips on hers, was a great sign. It was a sign that she was, in fact, getting better. Rachel's fingers moved to thread through long blonde locks and tugged gently, to pull Quinn's body down completely onto hers. When Quinn let out a gasp and pulled away some to look into her eyes, she thought she'd gone too far. "Baby I… I didn't mean…"

Quinn reached out to brush some hair behind Rachel's ear and shifted so one of her thighs could press against Rachel's center before she leaned back down to capture her lips. Her mind was well aware of the delicate fingers tracing down her back and coming to a stop at the bottom of her shirt. When she rocked once into Rachel, it caused those fingers to clench tightly around the fabric of the shirt. It also caused her nails to drag across her skin. That was all it took to bring the moment to a crashing halt. The blonde scrambled away from Rachel, gasping heavily, trying to steady her panicked breathing. Her eyes stayed locked with Rachel but all she saw was him approaching her. She had felt his fingers digging into her skin. She'd heard his moans of disgusting pleasure.

"Quinn… baby look at me." Rachel gently cupped the blonde's cheeks, forcing their eyes to meet. "What happened?"

Quinn ripped away from her wife's touch and pushed herself to her feet. Without a word she grabbed one of the two wine glasses from the floor and downed the entire thing. With it still gripped tightly in her hand she made her way to the bed and sat down. "I… I thought I could."

"Honey, it's okay." Rachel sat beside her wife before wrapping one of her arms around her shoulders.

"No it's not okay Rachel. I want my wife. Why is that so fucking hard to understand? But every time you touch me, I panic. I know you'd never hurt me, but I can't stop myself from reacting like you will." The empty glass slid out of her grasp and bounced some on the carpeted floor before her body shook with sobs.

All Rachel could do was wrap her arms around the taller woman's body and allow her to cry. "It's just a thing of taking it one step at a time Quinn."

"I can't even make love to my wife without freaking out. What kind of freak am I?" Quinn snapped, pulling away from Rachel's embrace to stand up.

"You're not a freak."

"Oh? I'm not? Then why can't I let you touch me? Why do I run away every time you look at me too long? Why Rachel? Why?" By then she'd started pacing back and forth in front of Rachel, who remained seated on the bed.

"Because of what he did to you. You can't break away from it. It hasn't even been a full month yet Quinn. You've been getting better. Things just have to go at your pace. If you need me to not touch you, then tell me and I won't."

"It's not that simple!" She wishes it was. It wasn't just the touch that set her off, it was hearing Rachel's breathy moans that did it too. "Oh god I wish it was." She finally sat back down then shifted to lay against her pillows.

Rachel reached down to pick up the glass that had fallen onto the floor before lying down beside Quinn and looking at her. "What's on your mind?"

Quinn's eyes closed and she let out the air that was in her lungs. "I miss how everything used to be." She carefully rolled over and forced her body to relax in Rachel's embrace.

"Remember our first time together?"

The question was completely random, but it was random enough to make her chuckle softly. "Our first attempt you mean? You couldn't stop laughing."

"I couldn't stop laughing? Where were you at Quinn? You were so embarrassed you couldn't even open your eyes!" Rachel playfully pushed her wife's shoulder, causing more laughter to fall from the blonde's lips. "I was laughing because you were so cute stumbling over all of your words and your hands shaking so much that they tickled me every time you touched me."

"I was scared!" Quinn quickly fought back. Then her own words sank into her subconscious. She was scared then, just like she's scared now. "I am scared…" Her voice was so soft that Rachel barely heard it. "I'm terrified Rach…"

"I know you are sweetheart. And I'm always going to be here for you." Rachel nuzzled her nose into Quinn's hair, her mind drifting back to how awkward things were when their relationship first started. "Your hair smells good." She whispered before kissing the blonde's hairline.

"You always smell good… Hey Rach?"

Rachel carefully laced their fingers together before resting their hands on her own stomach. "Yea?"

"Can we just stay here forever?"

The brunette smiled at her wife's words. It definitely took her back to the beginning of their relationship. "For as long as you'd like Quinn."

Since we're in the holiday season, I'd like to extend to everybody an early Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, or a joyous whatever holiday you might or might not celebrate.

I, personally, celebrate Christmas, so... here's what I'd like to make my Christmas special:

1) Review

That's it. That's all I want for Christmas, reviews :D

I just wanna know what you guys think so far, maybe what you think is coming in the future... or even what you'd like to come in the future. I do take suggestions into consideration. That's the whole point of me asking my questions, and doing my surveys. Next and possibly final survey, will be asked at the end of chapter 15.

See you all next week. Have a safe week if you're out and about shopping, people are nuts... I know... I work in retail lol