Chapter 2: Growing Pains
"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell."
―Edna St. Vincent Millay
Aiko tried her best to be a good mother and I couldn't fault her for leaving me alone so much. She had to make money for us to live and to do that she needed to be away from me. I was alone a lot, but I wasn't wasting my time alone either. I started to walk by the time I was nine months old and on unsteady feet I explored my small world that was my mother's private rooms. Mother played learning games with me whenever she had time between clients but I was far from understanding how to read again.
The characters were so drastically different from the alphabet I was used to that I was having trouble wrapping my mind around the concept but I was at least getting better at talking now. I could now say a few words and form a few broken sentences if I wanted to. What saved me from the boredom of being alone was playing around with my chakra. I literally had nothing else to do with my time since I wasn't interested in the toys my mother left me, I couldn't read, and had no one to entertain/teach me while she was away.
So I experimented with that thing inside me that I felt and knew I could one day wield to do fantastic things if I was so inclined. The first thing I tried doing was trying to figure out how to access and mould it to specific parts of my body. I was having more luck with my hands than my feet but I was slowly getting it. The most interesting thing I figured out how to do with it was using it to cushion my feet when I walked so no sound was made. That was dead useful since I had to be quiet so I wouldn't be discovered.
By the time I was two I was getting better at reading and had moved onto walking up the walls. This was an entertaining exercise since I was getting a little stir crazy being cooped up all the time. My mom had a Shinobi put up silencing seals on her walls that year so I didn't have to be so quiet all the time. That was a real relief and something my mom took advantage of right away. Aiko was actually an accomplished musician/singer and since she no longer feared discovery from the sounds I made she began teaching me. I was starting with a simple flute and it was a huge relief having something to entertain me besides my reading struggles and Chakra exercises.
She had started on teaching me how to write also since Aiko loved practicing calligraphy in her spare time. I wasn't having as much luck with that as I was with the simpler flute. Writing was harder than I remembered; my hands were clumsy and unyielding when I tried to write. It was almost as frustrating learning it as it had been learning to talk and that was saying something. I hadn't remembered how awkward it felt learning to write the first time around and not was even worse. At least in my pervious life I had pencils/pens but here I had to use a freaking brush with ink that I had to learn to make! It was messy, it was frustrating and it got everywhere!
That was also the year that Kenshin began working in the kitchens. Nakamura Kenshin was a simple looking young man with brown hair and eyes that always had a kind smile on his face. My mother talked about him a lot and I listened to her tales with a little sadness. My mother was only twenty five and she did not know what it was to be loved by a man. Kenshin was kind to my mother, they talked a lot and he shared a lot with her. Kenshin was Aiko first real friend and though I was happy for her a part of me was wary.
Kenshin was originally from Konoha; he had attended the Ninja academy but had failed his genin test. Afterwards he had taken to traveling around and had a whole laundry list of strange jobs he had gone through. He was a great cook and the women who worked at the whore house quite liked him. My mother told him things about herself too, how she came to be sold to the house, how much it had hurt her to lose those six previous pregnancies, and how lonely it was in her profession.
There was one thing she hadn't told him yet though, her greatest secret, me. I knew she wanted to but she was afraid to trust him with me. I didn't blame her, Aiko had been betrayed by some of the closest people to her heart and it was hard to recover from that. So I was very surprised when one morning my mother went out and came sneaking back into her rooms with Kenshin. I was hiding in the closet and was actually surprised to find I was scared at the prospect of meeting someone new.
It had only been two and a half years since I had awoken in this world…yet in all that time I had only ever interacted with Aiko. I remembered all the motions of introducing myself to someone new, I remembered I used to be good at meeting strangers and yet I hid frozen in reluctance. I was frightened of meeting someone new and as what often happened when I was scared I thought of him. I wanted him here, I wanted him to hold my hand and tell me that everything would be alright. It was painful to think about it and so I pushed him from my mind focusing on what was happening now.
"Natsumi-chan, come out, I want you to meet Kenshin," Aiko called out softly from the doorway. Kenshin peered curiously over her shoulder and I griped the door of the closet eyeing from the small crack I had left open. I took a deep breath, forced my hands to stop shaking and stepped out ever so slowly. When Kenshin saw me he gasped and his jaw dropped.
Aiko didn't seem to notice his reaction and was busy crouching down with her hand out to encourage me to come closer so I might take her hand in mine. I walked to her slowly and when I was close enough Aiko scooped me up spinning around as she did. I was straddling her hip and clutching her loose kimono front tightly. That's when she noticed Kenshin's stunned face and Aiko held me tighter tensing. "What's wrong Kenshin?" she said dangerously.
Kenshin shook himself and laughed nervously shifting his feet, "It's nothing Aiko-chan! What a cute daughter, but with a beautiful mom like you how could she not be?" he said. Aiko was still tense but she nodded smiling as she looked at me. "Yeah, Natsumi-chan it my precious little secret." She said eying him seriously, "Remember your promise Kenshin…you can't ever tell anyone." She said solemnly. Kenshin nodded his face set in a serious mask, "Don't worry Aiko-chan, I won't speak a word of this to anyone." He said.
Aiko nodded and put me down. I scurried over to the few books my mother had that I was slowly working through wanting a distraction. Kenshin sat down with my mom and looked around anxiously. "Um…that is…do you know who her father is?" he asked cautiously. Aiko looked at him questioningly and slowly nodded. She had my complete attention then, because even though I was used to not having a father (in this life or the last one) I was still curious.
"Yes, I know," Aiko said as she got up and took down a small chest from her closet taking out what must have been a photograph though I couldn't see it from where I was sitting. I got up and made my way to them unable to resist the curiosity. Aiko sat down and handed the photo Kenshin who choked as soon as he saw it. Curious enough to disregard the fact I barely met him I used my tiny hands to pull his unresisting arm down so I could see the picture.
I almost choked too before I caught myself, because there in the photo was the smiling cocky looking man that could only be Jiraiya with his arm thrown over my mother who was smiling slyly. Kenshin let me take the picture and my mom was too curious about his reactions to stop me from taking it with me. In the Photo Jiraiya had his leaf headband on, his wild white hair was sticking up everywhere and his cheeks were rosy. Aiko was wearing a thin robe in the picture that had slipped past her shoulders and barely covered up the important bits.
One of the many confusing things about this world was the curious inconsistency of technology and it was a puzzle I had yet to solve. Cameras were expensive; the process of developing film was a coveted knowledge and was usually way outside the price range of someone like my mother. Jiraiya was a high ranking Shinobi, he probably had access to a camera and knew how to develop film. This was probably the only picture my mother had ever taken in her life and I was a little sad that it was taken of her looking that way. My mother was so much more than that woman in this picture, she was kind, she was caring, she was so smart, and none of this was shown in this picture.
In this picture she had her work mask on, a sly seducer with little to no qualms about taking a man for all he was worth. Still, seeing a picture of me father for the first time I was struck on how similar we looked. It wasn't just the hair and the marking, we had the same smile and I saw my dimple peeking out subtle from his cheek. I wondered if Jiraiya knew I was born. From what I could remember of the series Jiraiya was supposed to be an information gathering genius and I wouldn't be surprised if he did know.
What brought the question of why he had never come to see me?
"Ah…Aiko-chan…do you know who that man was?" Kenshin said as he fiddled with his hands nervously.
Aiko blinked at him, "He was a shinobi that passes through here every couple of years but he hasn't been back since before Natsumi-chan was born. Why?" she asked him eyes narrowed in sudden suspicion.
I watched Kenshin curiously as his hands ran through handsigns but I felt no chakra from him. It was a nervous habit then and he wasn't about to cast a jutsu in my mom's rooms. "He is a shinobi…but he is more than that…Natsumi-chan's father is Jiraiya of the Sennin, the Toad Sage," Kenshin said eyes wide as if he almost couldn't believe what he was saying. "I used to hear about him being a womanizer back in Konoha but I thought that was all hearsay since he was such a legendary Shinobi…but I guess I was wrong." Kenshin said as he looked at me in stunned disbelief.
Aiko blinked, "Well, that could come in handy for Natsumi-chan's future." She said musingly.
Kenshin turned to her eagerly, "So has Natsumi-chan shown any extraordinary talent or genius yet? With a father like Jiraiya and a mother like you Aiko-chan there is no way Natsumi-chan could be normal!" He asked excitedly. I was getting a little frustrated by their need to talk about me as if I wasn't even there in the room with them. It was one of the things I hated most about being a child again, the almost total disregard for me presence during what I would term 'adult conversation'. As if I didn't understand what they were saying!
"Oh, Natsumi-chan is my little genius!" Aiko gushed eager to finally share what she regarded as my talent with someone. "She picked up talking so quick! Started on full sentences by the time she was a year old! She is just beginning to get a good grasp on reading as well! Plus in the six months since I put those silencing seals up Natsumi-chan has been practicing her flute every day and is on her way to becoming quite accomplished with it! And her little voice is getting better too; my little one is going to be a real singer one day!" Aiko said with a voice filled with pride.
"Not to mention she has been practicing that Shinobi thing, Chakra, she can do the most amazing things with it already!" Aiko said turning the attention on me suddenly, "Go on Natsumi-chan, show Kenshin what you can do!" she said making shooing gestures with her hands. I sat fiddling with the picture in my lap and feeling very embarrassed. I didn't want to be paraded around like a show animal but I knew if I didn't show Kenshin that my mother would be disappointed. There is nothing quite like shouldering a mother's disappointment so I sucked it up and walked to the wall.
Then I kept walking up the wall and then sat down on the ceiling. It was actually really fun sitting upside down on the ceiling to read or look at things. I figured out how to get my chakra to regulate my blood so it didn't all rush to my head and make me black out so I could stay up there for a few hours like that. I looked down at Kenshin and my mother. Aiko was clapping with a thousand watt smile and Kenshin was looking at me in open mouth surprise again.
Kenshin started to visit me whenever he could after that and gradually became used to his presence in my life. Kenshin had more chances to slip away during the day and it was because of his attention I was able to progress in a lot of things quicker. It was Kenshin's brilliant idea to start teaching me hand signs because he thought that as the daughter of a supposed legendary Shinobi I should at least know them. I was starved for mental stimulation in my small confined world so I took to learning them with unusual vigor.
It was only after a month of struggling to do even the simplest hand signs that I noticed that my dexterity had increased making it easier to write. It was easier but far from legible. Still, it was progress and the only thing I could think of was that it must have been all the hand sign practice I had been doing lately. I threw myself into learning them more enthusiastically after that since it allowed me to progess in all that basic stuff faster.
Kenshin also took to telling me stories about Konoha and teaching me some basic history. It was more interesting than I had initially thought it was going to be since I knew the basic before he had begun. However, Kenshin was a great story teller and the way he spoke about things was captivating. I am ashamed to admit that I was enjoying the attention from him since it was how I imagined a father might spend time with his daughter.
I had little experience with father figures in this life and the last so having someone to fill that void made me aware that the void was there. I thought as a mature woman trapped inside a toddler body I wouldn't miss such things but I guess there are some things you never really grow out of missing. Kenshin was a blessing, he taught me when my mother couldn't, he gave me companionship and I grew to love him like I had grown to love my mother.
Still, despite all the things I used to keep my mind occupied during the day at night the thoughts of him would come. I didn't have anything to distract me at night and he came to haunt my mind keeping me from sleep. I would wonder about how I could have died, if he missed me, if he had moved on and the pain of those thoughts nearly crushed me every time. Part of me wanted him to be happy, wanted him to have moved on and done all those things we had planned to do together. That part of me hoped he had found someone to comfort him and keep him steady.
Then the other part of me, that selfish part, hoped that he had been miserable and missed me as terribly as I missed him. That part wanted him to unrealistically be alone for the rest of his life because I couldn't stomach the thought of him with another. I loved him more than anyone ever could, he was mine but I knew I had no claim left over him. I was here, living another life, becoming another person and I had no right to want him to remain the same. My heart was in chaos as the part that loved him wanted to opposite things at once and it left me feeling empty.
There was a big hole in my heart where he used to be and I knew no one else could ever fill it. How could they? He was my love, he was my best friend, and we had such a great life laid out before us. It wasn't fair, that life had been stolen away from me and I wanted it back. But I knew it would never happen, could never happen. Something impossible had brought me here so I needed to see this through. I knew that dwelling on the 'what if's' and falling into depression over it would do me no good.
One of the things that he had loved about me was my strange ability to let go of my baggage. I hadn't thought about it before he had told me about it but I had a pretty rough life before. My life had not been the easiest to bare but it hadn't been the hardest either. I knew holding onto things that hurt you only drowned you in sorrow and made you miserable. When people hurt you, when bad things happened, you couldn't let it rule you because that just let that bad stuff win.
The greatest thing you could do for yourself was be happy no matter what, because being sad only made your life miserable. No one wants to be miserable, so you let it go and move on. It would be hard to let him go, it would probably take me years to let go of that hurt enough to move on but I would do it. I would do it because I wanted him to be happy. I had to allow myself to find happiness too.