Zuko

It had been six months since our meeting with the Council of Nations. Things were quiet from the other Bending Nations. Sam and I had a meeting with our councilmen, heads of the guard and lawholders. Sam went through a similar lecture on human trafficking and she gave them guidance on what to look for. It was not a pleasant meeting by any stretch of the imagination but it was productive. Since then, we have broken up four "houses" as Sam called them. Because of my teams' vigilance, things had been quiet here.

It was a good thing too. This time of year was always hard for me. Today was especially hard - today marks 20 years since I lost Mai and our baby. Those days were some of the hardest in my life and I still mourned for them these two decades later.

When I had first told Sam about Mai and the baby, I didn't expect her to be as supportive as she is. I expected her to be jealous and not want to talk about her at all. Feel like she was in competition with her. But she didn't. She was there for me the first anniversary of my loss since I'd been with her and she's been there ever since. That was, of course, when we were first married. I didn't know her like I do now. Now, I know she isn't jealous of Mai. She mourns for Mai and the baby with me even though she never met her. For me, I never will forget that day.

Flashback

I was working in my office late into the evening when Mai came to me. I looked up at her and smiled. She smiled back at me. She walked around my desk and sat on my lap.

"Hello, Fire Lord. When will you be done here?" She asked me, taking out my hairpiece and the strap for my hair, letting it cascade down. It wasn't very long yet - only about shoulder length. She ran her fingers through my hair which I always loved.

"I don't know. I have a lot of proposals to go through. Councilman Chong is trying to get more unnecessary funding for his province. I just don't trust him. I want to review it thoroughly."

"Can't it wait until tomorrow?" Mai asked which I thought odd. She didn't usually push me to finish my work.

"Why? Is something wrong?" She smiled.

"No, nothing is wrong. I just…want you to come to bed early." she said, eyeing me. I knew what that meant and my body started reacting to it.

"Well…I g-guess I can pick it up in the morning." I said as her hands were already exploring my body. I stood up, with her in my arms and her legs wrapped around me.

"Good. Let's go to bed." she said. I carried her to our bedroom and laid her down on the bed. She swiftly disrobed me and I worked on her clothes. Once our skin was in contact, we made love.

When finished, I was laying on my back as was she. I looked over at her and her face was preoccupied.

"Is everything alright, Mai?" I asked as I leaned up onto one elbow. Her eye rolled over to me for a split second. Something was up.

"Well, no actually. Everything is great. I…have something to tell you." she said, her eyes reflecting her excitement and her hand moving to rest on her belly. I knew whatever it was big. Mai wasn't an emotive person.

"Zuko, you…are going to be a father." she said. I froze. My eyes affixed to the wall behind her. I laid still as a statue. Mai laid there staring at me and I could feel the tension rising.

"Did you hear me? We are having a baby!" she said. I stood up and walked over to the window. I leaned on the sill and stared out at the sky. I could feel Mai's eyes on me.

"Zuko, aren't you happy?" Mai said. I didn't know how I felt.

"I…I don't know. I knew we would have to have kids one day, but I didn't think it would be so soon." I said. Mai came over and sat on the bench next to me so she could see my face.

"You…AREN'T happy. Are you? I thought you would be thrilled." She said. I couldn't lie to her.

"No, I am not happy. I never wanted to be a father." I admitted.

"But, Zuko, you will be a wonderful father." Mai said, smiling and placing a hand on my forearm. I stood contemplating for some time when I came to a conclusion.

"How will I be a good father, Mai? I don't exactly have a good father to look up to. So no, I am not happy. As for being the baby's father, I will have as little interaction with it as possible." I said. I heard Mai gasp. Then she looked away and removed her hand from my arm. She was upset. I didn't blame her either. What kind of person am I? I knew we would need to have a baby but I wanted nothing to do with it. "If you want to raise the child, fine. But I won't be part of it." For the first time ever to my recollection, I heard Mai start to cry. She got up and left the bedroom.

The days turned into weeks and the weeks into months. Mai's and my relationship was tenuous at best. We shared the same bed but she wouldn't touch me. She wouldn't lay with me. One night, she was laying on her side of the bed on her back, her bump showing through the covers. She reacted and put her hand over her stomach.

"Zuko, do you want to feel the baby? He just kicked." Mai said. I glanced over to her, halfheartedly.

"What makes you think it's a 'he'?" I asked.

"I don't know. That is just what I'm calling him until we know. Please, Zuko, give me your hand." she pleaded, holding her hand out to me. My brow furrowed.

"No." Mai looked at me - I could see her in my peripheral vision. Then she recoiled her hand and rolled onto her side, away from me, and didn't say another word, although I did hear her crying again. Must be the hormones I rationalized, though I knew the truth.

"Mai, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." I said, trying to make amends. I placed my hand on her shoulder but she jerked it away.

"You didn't mean to hurt me? Well, you're pretty good at it for 'not meaning to'. I was hoping you would warm up to the idea. Maybe it's for the best. I don't want my child being raised by someone who is as callus as his father." That stung. I hated being compared to my father, and she knew it. She said it to hurt me. And it worked. I rolled over, facing away from her.

"By the way, I'm leaving tomorrow for my annual tour of the prisons. I'll be gone when you wake." I said flatly.

"Good." Mai said. I didn't know how to make her feel better without outright lying to her and saying I actually wanted the baby. I missed our closeness. Before she got pregnant, not only were we intimate sexually, but we were intimate in every other way too. We would lay together and hold each other. Talk about our day, our future. But now, we barely spoke. And it was my fault.

It had been a few days since I left the palace. I actually welcomed the tour. I could get away from the tension with Mai. I had toured about half of the prisons when a hawk came flying to me. It was adorned with a black ribbon. This was of high importance. I pulled out the message and it was the captain of my guard, Genfu. He didn't say what was wrong but told me I must return to the palace right away and it had to do with Mai and the baby. I ended my tour early, climbed on my airship and headed back to the palace. It only took a few hours with the ship from where I was at. I climbed off of it and ran through the palace, looking for Genfu. I finally found him near my bedroom which I thought was odd.

Genfu, what happened? Why did you call me home? Where is Mai?!" I asked, frantic.

"I…I'm sorry Fire Lord, but there…was an incident." Genfu said. He clearly didn't know how to say what he had to.

"What incident?" he didn't respond, looking at me awkwardly and with pity. "FOR AGNI'S SAKE, GENFU. TELL ME IMMEDIATELY!" I grabbed hold of his shoulders and shook him violently, shouting at him. He looked at me with wide eyes. I took a deep breath and removed my hands. "I'm sorry, Genfu. That was inappropriate. Please, tell me what happened!"

"There was an assassination attempt on your life, Sir." This puzzled me.

"How? I wasn't even here." I said.

"Yes, but someone…there was a casualty." Genfu said.

"What?! Who?" I asked. My mind raced trying to make sense of it all. Reality pulled at the edges of my mind and I tried to banish it. I knew the truth.

"I'm sorry, my lord. Fire Lady Mai was killed in a mistaken identity." I felt the blood rush from my head and face. I stumbled backwards and Genfu helped steady me and guided me to a chair. Emotions started rushing through me. Anger. Sadness. Despair. Regret. Grief.

"And…the baby?" I asked. It was a stupid question really. I knew the baby had been lost too. It wasn't old enough to survive outside her womb - her being only about 7 months pregnant. Genfu didn't answer, but his eyes slid down to the floor and wordlessly telling me what I already knew.

I dropped my head down into my hands. No. No no no! Not my Mai! The love of my life! The girl who risked everything for me. My world. Gone. Forever. I started breathing heavily and I laced my fingers through my hair and squeezed, feeling the tension of my hair pulling against my scalp. Next thing I knew, I was sobbing. Uncontrollably.

"I…wa-want to see her." I said between my sobs.

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea, your highness." Genfu said.

"I NEED to see her." I said. Genfu must have seen the resolve on my face. He nodded and guided me to her. She was lying on the floor of the bedroom with a sheet over her. There was blood all over the bed and dropped onto the floor. A lot of blood. And it was on…my side? Then I realized: she must have been sleeping on my side to feel close to me. My heart ached. Even in all of the tension, she still wanted me. I walked over and knelt next to her, uncovering her face. She did not look peaceful. Her face reflected the fear she felt when she was confronted with her assassin. Then I pulled it down further and saw dried blood on her clothing and stab wounds. I felt anger starting to burn in my chest.

"Do we know who did this?" I asked.

"Yes, sir. He is in custody. We had him taken to the Capital City prison for the time being until you are ready to give him a trial."

"No. That bastard won't get a trial." I said.

"With all due respect, sir. I think you should hold off on doing anything rash until you have had a proper chance to mourn." Genfu said, cautiously. My explosive temper was no secret among my staff.

"You're right." I admitted though I knew my mind would not change. "Thank you. Please give me a moment alone with her." I requested. He bowed and scurried off.

Once he was gone, I kept staring at Mai. Her eyes were still open, as though she were still seeing her attacker. Her mouth gaping like she was trying to scream. It broke my heart seeing her this way. I slowly peeled the sheet back to see her belly. Suddenly, I felt something I didn't expect to feel - a loss for my baby. I was sad the baby was gone. I would have gladly given my own life had my child been spared. I was surprised by this feeling. All of the memories of my disinterest in the baby came flooding back.

I felt another pang of sadness. And guilt. Our last words were an argument over the baby. Why didn't I just feel her belly? Why did I have to be so callous about it? Now she will never know how I truly felt. That hurt more than anything.

Several times, servants tried to get me to leave Mai. I wouldn't. I just sat on the floor, leaning against the bed, staring at her. I was 17 years old. And a widower. I would have to bury my child. And my wife. I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't drink. I wouldn't sleep. I would do nothing, but sit with Mai. Hours turned into days and I couldn't bring myself to leave. Although they had taken her body away to be prepared for cremation the same day I arrived home, I just sat on the floor in our room. Sat with what little memories I had left with my beloved wife. And child. Trying to feel the closeness I felt with her before our relationship started falling apart. I cried. I raged. I sobbed. I was laying in the fetal position on the floor when I heard the door open and footsteps approaching.

"Nephew!" It was Uncle Iroh. I wondered who had summoned him but then realized it must have been Genfu. I looked over at him, I felt my eyes puffy from crying, looking at my blurry uncle through my tears. He ran over to me and grabbed my arm to pull me upright. He put his hands on my face and I just looked at him. I started to cry anew and Iroh pulled me into an embrace. I sobbed into his shoulder, my body shaking with despair. "Zuko, how long have you been in here?"

"I don't know."

"Three days, sir." Nan said. She had been Mai's handmaiden. She stayed in the room with me to keep an eye on me and I could see her fatigue in her eyes. I assumed she was afraid I would do something rash and…permanent.

"Come on, Zuko. You need to leave this room." Iroh looked around. I knew how it looked. I was sitting in a bedroom with a pool of dried blood on the floor. There was no longer a bed. I had burned it in a fit of despair. It was a pile of rubble and ash now. I hadn't changed my clothes in three days and I'm sure I didn't smell very nice either.

"No! I can't! If I leave this room, then it's real. And it can't be real. It can't!" I shouted and sobbed.

"Zuko, my nephew, I'm sorry, but it is real. You have to allow yourself to mourn properly. Come. I want you to eat." Iroh insisted. I knew he was right, of course. He guided me out to the dining hall and I ate for the first time in days. My stomach felt in knots. I wasn't even sure if I could hold it down.

But hold it down I did. And over the course of the next few days, we prepared their funeral, announced it to the nation (Iroh did that part) and started my journey to healing. As for the assassin, Uncle had offered to handle his sentencing but I had insisted on doing it. I wanted to look into the eyes of the devil. I wanted to deliver my verdict.

"Alright, nephew. But I would like to join you, if you don't mind." he said. I nodded in agreement. I walked up the stairs to my throne and Iroh stood next to me. I did not have a throne for Mai here. She wasn't overly involved in the day to do activities of ruling our nation. Mai really only focused on education. I handled everything else. Now I guess that too would fall on my shoulders. The guards walked in and escorted in my wife's and baby's killer. The guard forced him to bow to me, pushing him down on the floor harshly. Normally I wouldn't allow this. But my people loved Mai too. And they all hated him too.

"Look at me." I said. The assassin remained with his head down. "Now, or my guard will do it." I said. He still wouldn't look at me. I nodded to my guard. He walked over to him, grabbed him by his hair and forced him to look at me. He made eye contact with me, grimacing from the pain. To my surprise, this assassin. My greatest enemy. Was about my age. I was shocked. I had envisioned a large, cruel looking man who could kill you with just one look. But this? Don't be fooled though. That did not dampen my resolve. "How old are you?"

"I'm 16." he said simply. A year younger than me. I glared at him. His eyes held nothing but fear. He knew his fate.

"Why?" I asked. "Why did you do it? Why did you kill my wife? My baby!?" I asked. No, I yelled. I felt anger and rage building in my chest just looking at him. At this question, the boy fell apart.

"I'm so sorry, Fire Lord! I didn't mean to kill her. I didn't know it was her! I thought it was-" He cut himself off, realizing what he was about to say.

"Say it." I challenged.

"I thought it was you!" he finished. I furrowed my brow in disbelief.

"Mai was a small woman. How did you confuse her for me?" I asked unleashing my full furious gaze at him. He put his head back down, unable to maintain eye contact.

"I…She was on your side of the bed. She was covered. It was dark. I didn't know it was her until…it was too late."

"How did you know it was my side?" I asked.

"Because…I had watched you both for days before…" he said, trailing off. So not only did an assassin get through my defenses but he had done so for days. I would be having a conversation with Genfu. But first, I had to focus on this.

"You know, I have dealt with other would-be assassins since I became Fire Lord. You think you're unique? Did you think you had finally succeeded? What went through that worthless mind of yours when you realized the truth?" I was toying with him at this point. I wanted him to be afraid.

"I felt guilt and remorse for my actions. I was deeply saddened by the fact I had killed Fire Lady Mai. Despite the Fire Lord being a trai-" he cut himself off again, realizing he should be trying to get into my good graces. Not that it would help him. "I loved Fire Lady Mai. Everyone did. And what will I be known for now? Killing the best Fire Lady this country has seen in generations." he said. I could tell he was remorseful. He felt guilty for what he had done. But that didn't change the fact that he had.

"Are you wondering what your sentence will be?" I asked him.

"No, I know what it is." he said.

"What is it?" I asked him. Iroh laid his hand on my shoulder and I looked back at him. He looked down at me disapprovingly. He didn't like this game I was playing. I didn't care. I looked back at my prey and waited for an answer.

"I…will be executed." he said, quietly.

"I'm sorry, didn't hear you?" I said, loudly, growing angry.

"You'll execute me." he said louder.

"You're damn right. And it will happen today." I said. His eyes widened. He thought he had more time. Most people did. When I sentenced people to death (which there had only been two others at this point during my reign - I didn't execute failed assassins - they just never saw the light of day again) I usually gave them a few days to get their affairs in order and say goodbye to any family. He walked on his knees closer to me and fall down on his face, begging.

"Please, Fire Lord! If you can find forgiveness in your heart, please do! Please let me live! Please, have mercy!" That did it. I stood up from my throne and descended the stairs to stand directly in front of him. Fear fell on his face and he cowered. I could see him shaking. I reached down and picked him up by his shirt, pulling him inches from my face.

"MERCY? MERCY?! DID YOU SHOW MAI MERCY?! HOW ABOUT MY UNBORN CHILD?! DID YOU SHOW HIM MERCY? DID YOU LET THEM LIVE?" I shouted in his face, my own set to a scowl. He was shaking in fear and cowering from me.

"I'm s-s-sorry my lord! Please! I'm only 16!"

"SO WAS MAI!" I shoved him away from me as hard as I could and he fell backwards, hard. His hands were bound so he was unable to catch himself and he cracked his head against the hard, marble floor. He tried to stand but stumbled, clearly affected by the blow. I looked at my guards, "Get him out of my sight! I want this stain wiped from the face of the earth TODAY. No exceptions!" I said loudly. My guards bowed, lifted him by his arms and ushered him out. As they left the throne room, I heard him sobbing.

After I had sentenced him, I really felt like I could start to heal. It took me months, though til I could sleep in that room again. But slowly, each day got easier. And I slowly started to be able to take on my responsibilities again. Little did I know that one day, I would find love again.

Sam

Present day

I was standing at the entrance to the palace to greet Izumi. Zuko usually joined me, but today was…different. Every year on this day, he grieved for his first wife and child again. But today was a milestone. Twenty years. I had something planned for him. Something special. But I wanted to include Izumi.

"Mommy!" Izumi shouted, excitedly. Then she looked around and her face dropped "where is Daddy?" I knelt down to her level and I brushed some of her hair out of her face and behind her ear.

"Daddy…isn't feeling well."

"Is he sick in da belly?" she asked. Sometimes I envied her innocence.

"Something like that. Except today, Daddy's heart is sick. But I have an idea. Do you want to help me make him feel better?"

"Yeah! What are we doing?" I looked up at Geshna.

"Would you mind taking her bag to her room for me? Also, please fetch Zuko and send him to the Turtleduck Garden. Don't take 'no' for an answer. I have something planned but don't tell him that. Then you are relieved for the day." Geshna bowed and left. She also knew what today meant for Zuko. The whole nation mourned for Fire Lady Mai every year.

I took Izumi's hand and led her to the garden. There I had a blanket, a picnic and Zuko's surprise. I had Izumi hide it behind one of the bushes since Zuko didn't miss much and I knew he'd see it. We sat in the garden when I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. Zuko was walking out to us, his head downcast and tear stains on his face. Izumi, excited to see her father, ran over to him and wrapped her arms around his leg.

"Daddy! There you are! I missed you when I got home!" Izumi said, looking up at him. He smiled sadly at Izumi and tousled her hair, but didn't say anything. Izumi looked a bit put off by this. She reached up and took his hand into both of hers and pulled him towards me. She was excited. Izumi headed in my direction, Zuko in tow. He bent down, kissed me in greeting and sat next to me. Izumi crawled into his lap.

"Daddy, what is wrong? Mommy said your heart is sick." Izumi said. "Your heart wouldn't be sick if you were there when I got home from school." she whined.

"Izumi!" I scolded her. She flinched and looked over at me, surprised. I didn't think she meant it the way it came out, but either way, she did say it. "Apologize to your father, now!" She looked at me sheepishly, then at Zuko whose face was screwed up in a grimace.

"I'm sorry, Daddy. Don't be sad." she said and she hugged him around his chest.

"Zuko, we have something for you. Izumi, go on and get it." Her face lit up and she scurried off to behind a bush. She came back with her arms full. Zuko looked at it and at me, puzzled.

"I know what today is, Zuko. My heart hurts with you. But I thought since today was extra hard this year, we would do something for Mai and your baby." Izumi looked surprised.

"A baby! You have a baby, Daddy?!" Oy, this child.

"Izumi. No more questions." I said. I resolved to explain it to her later. She came up behind Zuko, leaned down with her arms around his neck and rested her chin on his shoulder. He absentmindedly stroked her hair and kissed her cheek. I pulled out what she brought over - floating lanterns.

"I thought this would be a nice way to remind them that you still love them. Izumi and I will each send one too. We also love them, because you love them. And we love you." I shot Izumi a 'keep your mouth shut' look when she opened it to speak. She saw me and said nothing.

Zuko was quiet for a few moments. I looked over at him and he had tears in his eyes and a sad smile on his face. "Thank you, Sam. This…this is perfect." He said, his voice shaky. We stood up and I handed him his lantern and Izumi hers. I picked up mine and we stood next to the pond.

"Zuko, say something." I urged. Zuko looked at the lantern then at the sky. Tears started to well in his eyes again.

"Mai. I'm sorry for everything. For leaving you alone to fend for yourself. I'm sorry for everything I said. I'm sorry about our child. I'm sorry for making you think I didn't love you. I'm sorry for making you think I didn't love our child. I will always love you, Mai. And our baby." He finished.

"Izumi, you and I will give them a moment of silence." I said. I didn't want to detract from what Zuko said so I thought this was best. At least keeping in mind I was asking a five year old to stay quiet for any length of time. We stood silent for a moment and finally I spoke again, "Ok. Let's send them off." I lit my lantern and Zuko lit his and Izumi's. We all held them over the pond and left them go, watching them rise.

Izumi caught my eye as I saw her turn to Zuko. She tugged on his tunic and he looked down at her. She raised her hands up to him, wanting him to pick her up. She didn't understand it but she knew that he needed her at that moment. He picked her up and held her. "Daddy, do you feel better now?" Zuko smiled at her.

"Yes, Turtleduck." he said simply. She smiled, satisfied, wrapping her arms around his neck, hugging him and he hugged her back. "How can I be sad when I have a daughter who gives such great hugs?" Izumi's little face lit up at this and she kissed his cheek enthusiastically, making him smile. He reciprocated by kissing her forehead. We stood and watched the lanterns disappear above the trees. I walked over to Zuko and took his free hand into mine and I wrapped my other arm around his. I looked up at him and I kissed his shoulder.

"Thank you, Fire Lily. This was perfect." He said again. After a few moments, he looked up at the sun, "It looks like it's about dinner time. What do you say we eat?"

I smiled at Zuko, "I think that sounds like a good idea."

We sat down on the blanket and ate dinner as a family. After we finished, we got Izumi ready for bed and tucked her in, heading to our own bedroom.

"You alright, my love?" I asked.

"Yeah. I'll be alright." Zuko said. He walked over to his side of the room and took off his clothes but did not put anything else on. Then he went into the bathing room and closed the door. Ok, this is strange behavior for him. Was he going to bathe? He usually bathed in the morning.I was worried about him, but I decided to give him privacy but when he didn't come back out, I went inside.

"Zuko? Are you alright?" he wasn't in the tub. I scanned the room and finally saw him. He was sitting on the flloor in the corner of the room, still with nothing on. His arms wrapped around his legs and his head was laying on his knees. I deliberated if I should interrupt. Ultimately, he was worrying me. I walked over to him and slid down til I was sitting next to him. I reached over and stroked his hair. Zuko broke out of his cocoon and reached over for me. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me onto his lap. I wrapped mine around him and rested my head on his shoulder, trying to console him. We sat in silence for a while until he spoke.

"It was a girl. Did I tell you that?" I looked down at him and had tears welling in my eyes.

"No, you didn't."

"After they took Mai away, Fen thought I should know what the baby was. So after he finished preparing her, he came to me and told me. It would have been a girl." I didn't think my heart could ache any more for him than it did right now. I leaned into him and wrapped my arms around him again and rested my head on his shoulder.

"Did you ever name her?"

"No."

"I think you should." I said. "If you could name her anything, what would it be?"

"Well, there is one name that always comes to mind when I think of her."

"What is that?"

"Yoroiku."

"That's lovely. What does it mean?"

"Bringer of joy."

"Oh, Zuko, that's beautiful. Yoroiku. Your first daughter. I love it." I said. He gave me a sad smile. Almost as quickly, it vanished, replaced by a frown.

"How could I, Sam? How could I turn away from her like that? How could I have been so callous to her and our baby? I look at Izumi and I can't imagine being so cold to her. How could I?!" Zuko said, crying into my chest.

"You want to know what I think?" I said. He pulled back to look at my face. He nodded. I reached up with my hands and wiped his tears from his face with my thumbs. I leaned forward and kissed his scar.

"I think that Mai understood the struggles you have with your past and how you were raised. I think she understood that once you had the baby, you would have been in love. And…even if you had been there, you wouldn't have been able to prevent it and probably would have been killed yourself." Zuko stopped to think about this for a moment.

"I never thought about it like that. Fire Lily, you are my rock. What would I do without you?" He asked. I reached up my hand and placed it on the back of his head, pulling him down til our foreheads met.

"Crash and burn." I whispered. Zuko gave me a small smile back. It didn't reach his eyes, but it did touch them. He was silent for a moment.

"Come. Let's go to bed." I said. Zuko agreed and we both got up and went to bed after Zuko finally put on his pants. I laid on my back and pulled Zuko's head to rest on my chest. I laid stroking his hair and face as he cried over Mai and their daughter. He wrapped his free arm around my waist and hugged himself to me. I cooed and soothed him until I felt his breathing growing steady and I knew he had fallen asleep. I wasn't far behind.