Now you're going to see why the last chapter was a filler... a happier chapter on Christmas. Because, if it wasn't for that chapter, this one would have fallen on the holiday.

Doing this ENTIRE chapter in first person from Quinn's point of view. This will probably be the only chapter that this will be done with. There is a reason that this is in first person and you will find out as the chapter progresses.

WARNING: THIS IS A HIGHLY SENSITIVE CHAPTER!

It's possible the most intensely emotional of any of the chapters in this entire story. Again, you've been warned!

Thanks to Jennception for looking this over for me.

Enjoy your early update people!

The First 24
Chapter 15

January 21 – 9:30AM

I watched her. She was honestly the most beautiful women I'd ever laid eyes on. Even after all these years together I could never get tired of looking at Rachel. "You sure you'll be okay here by yourself?"

Why did she have to do that? Why? Why couldn't she just let well enough alone and deal with the fact that I wanted to be alone for a few hours? How could that be so hard for her to understand? Yes, I'd just gotten out of the hospital after nearly being killed. Yes, I'm still dealing with the things that Jim had done to me and my body. And yes, I wanted to be alone. I had things to figure out and being alone was the only way I could do it.

"Yes Rachel. I'll be fine. And if I need anything I'll give one of you guys a call. I promise." And it wasn't an empty promise either. I knew deep down I could rely on any of them for help if I really needed it. I hated nothing more than having to rely on another person… it's why I hardly talked about what happened to me to any of them. Because I didn't like letting other people into my thoughts. Nobody needed to know what was going on in my mind. Over the years, I've learned that my mind is a bad place for anybody, especially myself.

"Alright. I love you." She leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips before grabbing her purse and phone than walking to the door. "I'll call you on one of our breaks."

"I love you too."

Once she was gone I let out the breath I'd been holding. Finally. Just as soon as I heard the garage door closing, I knew I'd be completely alone. The entire day was planned out. In a way. I was just planning on unpacking and than making a nice dinner for everybody. A bit of a thank you for everything that had transpired over the past month. Never had I expected any of them to do what they had for me. Not after the words Jim had planted into my mind.

"Nobody loves you. You're just a whore."

My eyes slammed shut, and I took a few deep breaths to calm my nerves. I was starting to think that I'd never forget his voice… ever. I want to just forget everything and pretend like nothing happened. I want everything back to normal. I want my life back to what it was before him. I want to be able to touch Rachel randomly. I miss the moments I'd wake up to find myself curled up tightly in her arms because I'd gotten cold the night before.

He took all that from me though. He ruined everything. Jim ruined it all. He ruined it for us ten years ago… but now it was worse. I could barely stand the thought of being touched. It took all I had to let Rachel kiss me or to kiss her. Because I remembered his lips on me.

I stood up from my spot at the table and went back into the living room. There were only a few boxes left in there that had to be gone through. It should only take an hour or two to get everything up and the boxes broken down for the trash. I made myself comfortable on the floor and pulled the first box in front of me. Thankfully all that was in it appeared to be papers from the desk.

Look at that… buried in the middle of all the papers was a picture from Santana and Brittany's wedding. I smiled as I remembered it. It was held back in Lima, much to everybody's surprise because it was common knowledge how much Santana truly hated our home town. It was obvious she'd done it for Brittany. Lord knows she'd do anything for Brittany. Just like I'd do anything for Rachel. I'd give my life for Rachel… Just like I'd told Jim I would.

I told him to do whatever he wanted to me just as long as he didn't touch my wife. And he did just that… he did whatever he wanted to me. I had to live through everything that Elizabeth had told me in that court room ten years ago. She talked about how he raped her over and over again until she passed out. That's what happened to me. I remember the feeling of him entering me. The pain was overwhelming. It was nothing like my first time. At least Puck was somewhat gentle with me. I hadn't been with a guy since Puck, and that was 23 years ago when I was still trying to come to terms with being gay. I had used him as a way to try to prove to myself that I was straight. The whole thing backfired on me… Especially when I got pregnant.

I shook my head to try and stop my mind from going there. Yes, going through boxes was the best thing to occupy my wandering mind. But it did little to help. I stumbled across an old case file. And knowing my own curiosity I just had to open it to look through it. It was of a woman who was beaten to death by her boyfriend. I remember it. Sarah's case was one of the first ones I handled on my own. It was also a case that was easily won because of the neighbor that had seen and heard the entire thing.

Even after all these years studying law, I still couldn't understand the mentality of people who hurt others on purpose. It was one thing to say something without thinking and hurting someone's feelings, but it was another to physically beat the shit out of them for saying something wrong… or even just for not doing something. I could never raise my hand to Rachel for being late getting home from work. Nobody ever deserved such things.

My heart stopped though when I got to the bottom of the box. It was a picture I hadn't seen in years. Glee Club. There were three pictures in total. They were from our sophomore, junior, and senior years in high school. I couldn't help but stare at the bottom one in the pile. It was from sophomore year. I was standing on the right side of the group and my swollen stomach was completely visible. I was six months pregnant in that picture. Pregnant with Beth. The child that I was graced with holding and seeing for a grand total of three minutes.

Three minutes was all I got with my daughter. My eyes started misting with tears I no longer tried to control. I was a failure. What kind of person gives away their own child? Why couldn't I have tried just a little bit harder and stepped up to be a mother to her. Beth would be almost 23 right now. May 20th and she'll be 23 years old. God I'm such a horrible person. I leaned back against the sofa and started rubbing my own stomach, much like I'd done while I was pregnant with Beth. The action was soothing. In my other hand I gripped the picture and stared at it. Beth was a result of my confusion. The confusion about my feelings for Rachel brought Beth into this world. It brought in a girl that was being punished with not knowing who I was because I couldn't grow up enough to keep her and raise her myself. I loved her with every fiber of my being. How could I not? I carried her for 9 months. I helped give her life… a life that I ruined by handing her away to someone else.

My fingers tightened on the picture as my other hand dug into my stomach. I'd never know what it was like to have a child. Rachel and I were getting too old to even try. There was no way we'd be able to keep up with a new born. Especially not with Rachel's career.

Just the thoughts of everything made my stomach turn. It was something that happened a lot as of late. My wandering thoughts caused me to get sick. I quickly made my way into the bathroom. I barely made it though before I lost what little food I ate for breakfast. With everything lately, I hadn't been eating much again because nothing tasted good as it came back up. It was the same as it was all those years ago. I was barely able to eat anything. The minute it would hit my stomach it would come right back up.

Just like when I was pregnant…

Oh god…

Once my stomach finished convulsing I sat back against the wall. I couldn't be pregnant… could I? Everything was the same. The nauseous feeling, the fatigue was already hitting me. Granted I already didn't sleep much, whenever I was able to I was always tired. As I sat there, I thought. My last period was in November, right after Thanksgiving. That was almost two months ago… I couldn't do this again. I stood up and rinsed my mouth. At least there was a small little convenience store a few blocks down the road…

January 21 – 3:00PM

I've been starring at it for more than three hours. Why was it so hard? Oh wait. I know why it's so hard. I don't want my life to come to an end. It feels like it's already there, but I really don't need the confirmation. I leaned on the counter, my eyes closing while I finally summoned up the last of my courage to open the box and pull out one of the tests.

A few minutes later I was sitting on my bed starring at the clock. The sudden filth washed over my body. The filth that he made me feel. The filth I could never get rid of no matter how much I tried. I showered for hours and it didn't help. I could still feel him all over me. I could still feel him pounding into me. I could still feel his breath on my face, I could hear his grunts of pleasure in my ears. Nothing I ever did could get rid of it. He was forever a part of me.

A positive test would be the end. I couldn't do it anymore if that test was positive. How could I survive knowing his offspring was growing inside of me? I'm sure Rachel would understand. Right?

God… how could I leave Rachel? The tears started and no matter what I did I couldn't stop them. How could I leave Rachel, Brittany and Santana? I'm sure they'd all understand… right? They would understand. I'm sure if they were in the same situation as me they'd leave this horrible world and want to start all over again in the afterlife. That's the smart thing to do, right?

In frustration, I ran my fingers through my hair. Based on what Brittany and Santana had told me, Rachel was a total wreck while I was gone. While Jim had me… while Jim ruined everything. Our lives will never be the same as they were before. I couldn't even let my wife touch me last night. How could she still love me if I was pregnant? Why would she love someone who's carrying the child of another person in their body? Would she still love me once I was fat and ugly and yelling at her every two seconds for absolutely no reason? Who would love somebody like that?

I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Rachel left me anyway. She won't want to be with me. She'll want to find someone who she can actually touch and who would be able to touch her. I don't know how long it'll be until I can touch her. If I can ever touch her. I want so badly to be with her, but I can't. I can't let her see me. I'm nothing but damaged goods and I'm sure she'll understand that when I'm gone and watching over her from the other side.

Even if it's negative, I don't know how much longer I'd be able to go on. He torments every second of every day that I'm alive. Whether I'm asleep or awake, he's there. He's in jail 3,000 miles away from me and I still can't get away from him. Will I ever be able to get away from him? I shook my head at my own thoughts. I'll never get away from him. It took me having a mental breakdown to get over him ten years ago.

I was dangerously close to falling over the edge right now. And as I rocked on the mattress I felt myself slipping further away from reality. One of these days, Rachel wasn't going to come home to me. She'll find someone on set that will treat her better than I ever could. She'll find someone that can love her unconditionally. Why should I wait for that day to come? Why couldn't I just end it now before having to deal with my wife leaving me because I'm nothing but broken. I'm damaged goods. I'm a nobody. I'm nothing but a victim now. I can't even practice criminal law anymore because I won't be able to handle dealing with other victims in similar cases.

My heart stopped when the timer went off. The timer that held my fate in its hands. With a shaky hand I reached out to turn it off before making my way into the bathroom.

That's when it happened.

My world was over.

On the small plastic stick sealed my fate. I threw it in the garbage and screamed at the top of my lungs. Before I could stop myself the mirror was shattered. I saw the blood pouring out of my fist but I didn't feel it. I felt nothing. It was positive. I was pregnant. Even though most of me knew that before taking the test. I remembered all the signs from Beth.

I couldn't breathe. I gripped my hands on the counter, not caring that the broken mirror continued to dig into my skin. I didn't feel it. My eyes landed on a few bottles in the medicine cabinet. I had to end it. I didn't have a choice. How could this child be brought into the world to a mother that was psychotic and another mother who was going to always be busy working. It wasn't fair. Just like it wasn't fair that I was so broken.

I wrapped my hand around the lid of one of the bottles, I didn't even notice what it was. I popped the lid open and dumped a handful into my mouth. They tasted horrible going down, but there was no choice left. I had NO choice. I had to do this. I just hoped that people would understand in the end. I prayed that Rachel wouldn't be the one to find me. She wouldn't be able to handle it like Santana would.

The empty bottle landed on the floor. It was then that I realized it was sleeping pills. Hopefully they wouldn't take long to sink in. It felt like an eternity passed. Why weren't they working? Why wasn't I already on my way to the afterlife and leaving everything behind me. Once again I can't get something to work my way.

My eyes came to land on the broken shards of glass from the mirror. Most of them were already covered in the blood that was still pouring out of my hand. I must have really dug deep with that one punch. With my left hand I wrapped my fingers around one of the larger pieces and picked it up. I had already tried with my right, but I couldn't get my battered fingers to cooperate with me to pick up the piece.

I love you Rachel. This is for the best. I know you'll understand. You always understood me. Through everything, you never questioned anything I've ever done in my life. Not even in high school when I treated you so horribly.

My eyes closed again as I felt the sweet pulling pain along my arm as the first cut was made. The medicine had started to kick in because I barely made the first cut before the glass fell out of my weakened hand. I can do this though. I have to do this. Please don't have me Rachel.

Another cut.

More blood.

The once white sink was now going to be permanently stained red from me. Yet another thing I've messed up. My hand was shaking as I quickly raked the glass over my arm. There was so much blood. My head was spinning. I felt weak… I had succeeded. I knew there would still be time before Santana and Brittany got back. What I didn't expect though, was Rachel's voice carrying through the house.

"Oh my god Quinn! Baby! You'll never guess who I ran into today on set!"

God what have I done. Rachel's voice sounded so far away. I could barely hear her. I looked down at the blood streaming freely out of the open wounds on my right forearm. "I'm sorry." I didn't even hear my own voice. I wasn't even sure if I had thought the words, or actually said them. The only thing I was sure of was losing my ability to stand up.

"Quinn?" The bathroom door opened just as my body landed on the floor. "Quinn!"

Well now... Um... yes. Don't kill me? Please? :D Quinn's finally hit rock bottom...literally... Okay yea that was wrong of me to say.

Next update will be coming along on Sunday, as usual. And then I'm going back to ever Sunday from there.

Do me a favor guys, be safe this New Year's Eve. If you plan on going out and drinking... make sure you've got a DD or money for a cab. Or if you're going to a party, just stay there the night. Okay, now that I've got that out of my system and made myself sound like an old bitty... reviews always welcome.

Oh, one last thing.

Is there anything you'd all like to see happen? Any ideas I can maybe work off of? I'm not that far ahead in the story, only in chapter 18, about to start 19 now. So... a trial? Jim... I need help peoples :D

I will credit you for any ideas you give me, swear on my cat Zeus I will :D

Okay, I'm off to play more Modern Warfare 3. If you have it on the PS3, add me, my PSN is in my profile. I'm no professional, hell I kind of suck, but I like playing, and that's what matters.