Ch 10 Landslide
Well I've been afraid of changing cause I've built my life around you. –Fleetwood Mac
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Rowen:
Today was the first basketball game of the season and thanks to Chris we won. As per tradition, after every win there's a small victory party at one of the boys houses. This time it's at Chris's. His parents are in Seattle
for the weekend. It's been four months since Diego's left. Four long ambiguously empty months. I feel really bad for his sisters, especially Reina. She's very quiet and doesn't have many friends. I think people steer clear of
her because she's different and new. She's such a sweetheart though. Every time I go over to Ash's she always has something nice to say, or is helping Emily with something. The younger sister Malinah is such a doll
carrying around her jaguar stuffed animal. "Row, um hello? Like Amanda just asked you a question" Kaitlyn says quirking her eyebrow at me. I shake my head clearing the thoughts of the Alvarez family. "Sorry I couldn't
hear you over the music. What did you say?" I smile blaming it on the stereo pumping loudly through the house. "I said how long have you and Chris been together?" She says adjusting her bracelet. "Oh for a while now"
I reply not really wanting to get into my relationship with Chris. Yes he's the most popular guy at school, but as of late I haven't really been into him. "He's a pretty hot commodity around here, you're lucky you grabbed
him. I'd hold onto him pretty tight if I were you." Madison Brooks says glaring at me from across the kitchen island. What's her problem? "Uh ya, I guess I am and I'll do that" I say trying to decide what's wrong with her as
she walks out the door. "Somebody's got her panties in a twist." Kalin says gaining a laugh from everyone. "She would if she actually wore underwear. What a slut." Kaitlyn remarks beside me causing our little gossip
group to erupt in even more laughter.
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"Bye guys!" I say waving as everyone leaves Chris's house "You're sure you don't want us to take you home?" Kalin says as Keaton helps her with her coat. "No it's fine Chris said he'd drive me. I'll see you tomorrow at
the bonfire." I say shooing the pair out the door knowing they would rather have a little alone time. "You did great today baby. You always look so hot up there" Chris says locking the door walking over to the couch. "You
didn't look so bad yourself Mr. Three Pointer." I say with a smile. He smiles and nuzzles his head into my neck placing light kisses on it. Having his lips on my skin doesn't feel right anymore. It's been that way for a while
now. Maybe everything the pack has said about him and their increasing hate towards him has finally gotten to me. Maybe I'm just going through a phase. I mean I love him, or maybe I'm just so used to being with him it
is like a routine. I'm over analyzing it. I love him, end of story. His hand moves up my jeans from my knee to my thigh but I push it away. He pushes his lips against mine and his hand moves back to my thigh, creeping
even higher this time. I push him away. "No we can't" I say knowing where he's going with this. "Baby if you loved me you would want to do this. Stop holding out on me. Come on, I love you so what's the problem?" He
said pushing the collar of my shirt over sucking lightly on the exposed skin. "Chris you know I love you, but" I stammer before he cuts me off. "Exactly, you either love me or you don't, obviously you don't." He says getting
frustrated. I really do love him. Am I being stupid? He's right we both love each other so what's the big deal? I don't want him to be mad or think I don't love him. Will Diego be mad? Why am I even thinking about him? My
resolve crumbles and I nod my head. "Ok" I squeak out as he pulls me under him on the couch.
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"Come on. Come out. I need to have you home. You're already past curfew." Chris says angrily pounding on the bathroom door. After everything was over I locked myself in here. I didn't say anything, just grabbed my
bag and walked out of the living room. I just feel dirty, ashamed even. I knew I wasn't ready to do this. I always wanted my first time to be perfect, sweet, and romantic. What just happened was none of those things.
Doing it on your boyfriends' mom's couch doesn't exactly scream special, not to mention Chris wasn't gentle or sweet about it at all. He says he loved me, but what just happened didn't feel like love, it felt like cheap
empty sex. I changed into the clothes I packed originally thinking I might spend the night at Kalin's. I've just been contemplating everything that happened in the past half hour while sitting on the ledge of the
bathtub. I stand up and look in the mirror not exactly liking the person staring back. I know in this moment that I don't really love Chris. If I really loved him I would be happy right now, not feel cheap and be hiding out in
a bathroom. I've just been so scared of not finding love like the other pack gets that I've settled for him. I built up my life thinking I was happy when really I was just trying to convince myself that this was as good as it
would get for me and I should just accept it. I was scared of being alone, scared of change. I take one long last look at myself, take a deep breath, grab my bag, and slowly turn the knob. I know Chris is on the other
side, but I can't look at him. I simply stare at the floor as I make my way towards the garage where his car is parked.