Ch 17 Confessions Part 2
If I could turn back the hands of time and start all over I would. Instead of everything being all bad, baby, everything be all good- Usher
Diego:
I feel myself starting to shake too violently to control the chupacabra inside. I sprint off Rowen's back porch to the tree line and strip quickly before I explode into the
monster I am. The outside finally matches the inside. The main reason I shut her out is because if I reject this impart or imprint or whatever it is, it means that Rowen
doesn't have to know her supposed soul mate is a piece of shit. I'd rather her think I was an asshole that rejected her than for her to really know all the things I've
done.
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She doesn't need to be haunted by the horrible awful things I have to live with. Every time I close my eyes all the jobs Esteban had me complete come rushing back.
It's like I'm watching a movie, but I'm watching through someone else's eyes. I see myself kill these people and I'm scared of myself. I wake up in the middle of the
night yelling from nightmares filled with the people I've killed. They're so real I can smell the gunpowder, hear the shrill sound of a shot in the night, feel the sweat and
blood dripping down my face, and see the sharp contrast of red against gray concrete.
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Sometimes I dream of those people's families mourning them and I wake up crying, knowing that it's because of me. Not that I'd ever admit to crying of course, it
would make me look weak. Never show weakness or your enemy will use it against you. That was drove into our heads by Esteban when Chuy and I first joined DM.
To be accepted by the other guys in the group we had to go through a test. If we could take them beating us up we were in. if you flinched, or whimpered, or showed
any other sign of weakness they would only beat you harder, maybe even kill you. Weakness was not allowed and that's how I live my life. At mamas funeral I didn't
cry, that would be weak. I stood solemnly and held onto Linah and Ray as she bawled; Linah was too young to understand. It wasn't until later that night that I
phased and ran until I couldn't run anymore that I broke down and cried for my mother.
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A good DM member shows no emotion, not even to our women. You never tell a woman you love her unless it's in the privacy of your home. Even then that might be a
stretch for some of the guys. You kept your woman in her place, to some that meant smacking their wives or girlfriends around. It's not something that was talked
about. If you were over at another guy's house you looked away and kept your mouth shut if you witnessed something. It wasn't something I agreed with, but it also
wasn't my place to say anything. Only once did I ever interfere. It was before Linah was born. My mom had a lot of boyfriends in an out of the house after my dad left.
They were always the same, jerks that would sponge off us for a place to sleep and food then they'd get bored and leave. Mama would be devastated and she stayed
single for a few years until she met Ramon. Ramon, Linah's dad, was a mean son of a bitch. Him n mama would always fight. You could hear them yelling at each other
late into the night. Ray would get so scared she would crawl onto the floor and sleep beside me. He tried to put his hands on me once but saw my DM tattoo and let
me go. One day I came home from the chop shop early to bring mama some money to go get groceries and I heard her yelling from the drive way. Knowing it was her
and Ramon fighting I groaned not really wanting to step into world war 3, but I opened the door when I heard her scream. I ran into the small living room/dining
room/kitchen and saw Ramon smack mama across the face. "Learn your place bitch!" he snarled at her before grabbing onto her arm hard enough to break it. I was
only 14 at the time, but I was so filled with anger that I forgot all about the size difference between us. I punched him right in the jaw, then the nose, then his jaw
again and knocked him out cold. He never came around again after that, but by that time mama was already pregnant with Malinah. Six months later he ended up
getting a life sentence.
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Sometimes I get scared that I would get too angry and lash out like that. I could lose my cool and harm Rowen in a fight. I tend to lean towards violence if you haven't
noticed. It scares the hell out of me when people talk about the cycle of abuse. Boys learning domestic violence from their fathers and then they grow up to be wife
beaters. The only male role models I've ever had have treated their women like shit physically and emotionally. I can't even think about doing that to Rowen, but that's
all I've ever known. I'd kill myself if I ever hurt her. I never want to do that to her so it's just another reason to push her away.
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I don't know how to treat a woman nicely. Before Rowen came along I didn't think about girls' feelings. I never held a girl's hand or showed any affection towards her.
Women were for sex and to make you something to eat if you decided to stick around after fucking her. I didn't need or want any women to stick around. I was
perfectly happy fucking them and sneaking out the next morning. I never felt guilty or got attached. I wanted nothing to do with them after I got what I wanted and I
rarely ever talked to them again unless they were willing to be a fuck buddy. Ever since Esteban dragged me back to LA though I did start feeling guilty. Not because I
was using these women, but because it felt wrong being with someone other than Rowen. We weren't together but even then I knew we had a connection. All I
wanted to do was leave LA and find her and just hold her. Something I never ever wanted to do with any other girl. Now that I'm finally here it's still all I want to do.
Those few minutes where she was in my arms were the only bit of happiness I've had in the past few months. She made all the anger, fear, and guilt inside me
disappear. I want nothing more than for her to be with me. She said she wanted to help me, but she has no what she would be getting herself into. Her being my soul
mate is the best thing that's ever happened to me, but it's the worst thing that could ever happen to her.
A/N: Ok ik you hate me, I hate me too for leaving this hanging for so long. In my defense post grad sucks. The real world is full of grown up shit like full
time jobs and student loans boo :( Don't graduate stay in school forever! Maybe I can pay my debt back in reviews? Lets try to get enough to tackle the
thousands of dollars I owe :)