Dear Mama
Ain't a woman alive that could take my mama's place, Suspended from school and scared to go home, I was a fool
with the big boys, breakin all the rules
Diego:
I finally calm myself enough to phase back. The walk back to Tio's is short, too short to give myself enough time to prepare myself for all the questions I know
will be waiting for me when I open the door. Sure enough as soon as I turn the knob Ray starts bombarding me, demanding to know answers and starting in on
a full fledged nag rant. She's talking so fast I can't get a word in edgewise. Linah runs up to me holding a piece of paper, the picture I told her to get before I left.
Ray finally runs out of steam and looks at me pointedly expecting me to say something for myself, but truth be told I zoned out a while ago. I pull Linah up into
my arms praising her for the picture. "Damn Ray what do you want from me eh?" I say blowing her off walking towards where Linah is dragging me by the hand.
I just can't handle her right now.
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Linah has pulled me into her room which is adorned with pink and purple Dora the Explorer bedding and a large wall covered with brightly colored pictures by the
little girl. I notice that two of the pictures are framed and sit on a bookshelf. One is a group of 4 stick figures a boy, two taller girls in triangle dress, and a little girl
in a triangle dress. I reach out and grab the first frame. "familia" the little girl says pointing to the frame in my hand. I bend down and hold it out as she starts
pointing to the stick people. "That's you Diggy" She says touching the crayon marks of the male stick figure. "Thats Ray, Mama, and me" She continues pointing
out each person. She hands me back the frame before walking over to the shelf to get the other picture.
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The next is of another group of stick figures, but consisting of a lot more people. There's a a very tall man and short women side by side, a slightly shorter man
beside a short girl, a little girl beside them, off towards the very end of the page away from all the other people is a man, and above the stick family is a woman
in white crayon. "That my new family" Linah says happily. "There's Tio, Tia, Ash, Ray, and Me. You're over here cuz Tia said just cuz you got to be away that you
still love us and are familia." She says with a smile. "Who's this?" I ask pointing to the lady above the others. "That's mama. Ray said she can't be here cuz
she's in heaven, but still loves me and is family. Thats what Tia said about you, and you came back. Is mama gunna come back too?" The little girl says
innocently. When mama died Linah was too little to really understand, even know she doesn't totally get it. Explaining this to her is going to be hard, and not
just for her. I'm still grieving from her death myself.
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"Linah mama isn't going to come back like I did. Mama's in heaven because she's not with us anymore. She's an angel now. You know about the angels in
heaven." I say trying to put it in a way that will make sense to her. "Ya Ray said angels watch you so you don't get booboos and bad stuff don't happen to you."
She says smiling. "That's right and even though she's not here you can still talk to her, because she always is listening." I say putting her hair behind her ear. "I
know Diggy. Ray always talks to her. Sometimes she cries and asks mama to keep you from doing bad things and getting ouchies." The little girl says with a
shrug. I don't know what to say so I just place the frame back in the bookshelf and leave the room.
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I grab my bag out of the car and change quickly still feeling on edge after the conversation with Linah and everything that happened with Rowen. Today really
has been horrible. It's made me realize how much I've hurt the people around me. I'm a shitty brother, a terrible imprint even though I just now know what that
is, and to top it all off I'm a horrible son. Growing up I was always a bad kid. I got into fights on the playground, got suspended from school, and was always
talking back. I got picked on a lot for not having a dad so I was angry a lot. The only father figure I even remember having was my Tio and he got arrested when
I was 7. I turned to DM to fill the void in my life. When Tio got arrested he told me Esteban would look after me and it was true, although it came with a price.
He was there for me along with the other guys all the while steering me into a life on the streets. The guys taught me about cars and got me set up with a job in
the chop shop. I knew that what we were doing was bad, but the money was good. Around age twelve I was making enough to give mama cash for groceries
and help with rent. I lied and said it came from my job doing yard work and delivering newspapers. She never wanted me to follow in my Tio's footsteps.
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She found out what I was really doing when I was 15. The cops busted the chop shop and I got arrested. I've never seen her cry more than when she saw me
behind the bars for the first time. It was hell hugging her from a jail cell. When I got out we would always fight. She was always disappointed and yelling at me
about leaving all the time and dropping out of school. Saying I'd end up in jail again or worse. didn't want me to stay in DM, but I had too. We wouldn't be able
to survive on just her paycheck, and my deadbeat absent father and Linah's being in jail meant no child support to help. I knew what I was doing wasn't right
but it felt good helping my family. Then mama got sick, which meant medical bills so I definitely couldn't leave. When she died I had to take care of Ray and
Linah on my own, there was no way I could pass up the money. I'll always have to live with knowing how much of a bad son I was, and still am.