Chapter Two: Blame

Author's Note: For some reason, the last half of this caused "Total Eclipse of the Heart" to get stuck in my head. If you want the total experience, you should probably have the Glee cast version of it on repeat while you read. Have fun!

Today, my stepbrother refuses to speak to me. Yesterday I kissed him and he kissed back, then slapped me and ran away. FML

Finn figured there were lots of things he could blame it on. It was his math homework's fault. Santana's. That damn shirt's fault. Burt's. Or just Kurt's.

It was his math homework's fault because if he didn't have math homework, he would have been playing a video game and would've been too busy to notice Kurt being cute. He hoped.

It was Santana's fault because she had to dub his uncomfortable smile his "gassy infant face," and if she hadn't, he wouldn't have freaked out when Kurt called it that, and he wouldn't have fallen off the bed, and Kurt wouldn't have gotten his hair all messy and his face all flushed, so he wouldn't have been so cute that Finn just had to kiss him.

It was that shirt's fault, too, because if Kurt hadn't been wearing that shirt that was too big and made him look so small and delicate and pale and perfect by comparison, maybe Finn wouldn't have noticed how small and delicate and pale and perfect Kurt actually was, and then maybe he wouldn't have wanted to kiss him in the first place.

Maybe it was Burt's fault, for not getting Finn's bedroom ready faster. If Finn had his own room, he would've been doing his homework there instead of across the room from Kurt, so it wouldn't matter if Kurt had to borrow some of his clothes to sleep in.

Of course, the most obvious culprit was Kurt himself. If Kurt weren't so damn cute in the first place, if he weren't so small and delicate and pale and perfect-looking, if he didn't have pretty pink lips and cute little elf-ears and a cute little elf-nose, if he didn't have such soft hair or smell so nice, or look just so darn cute...if he wasn't so much like a damsel in distress that he brought out Finn's natural protective side, if it weren't for the fact that he sometimes looked at Finn like he was his knight in shining armor at school whenever Finn stood up for him...if he didn't have a smile that lit up his whole face and made the people who could make him smile feel like they'd just done the one thing that would guarantee them a spot in Heaven, right next to Cheesus...if he didn't have eyebrows that could raise independently of one another, and really high when he was amused about something, if he didn't have those cute little smirks and that way of walking, if his voice weren't so quiet and sweet and pretty...

GAHHHH! What in the world am I thinking?

Finn slumped forward in his computer chair, his head hitting the keyboard. He let out a defeated groan. Great. Somewhere along the line, he had apparently developed a big, gay crush on his little gay stepbrother. Who now wasn't speaking to him, or looking at him, or even staying in the same room with him any longer than necessary. He hadn't even come back downstairs to go to bed last night, and when Finn had asked Burt about it, he'd shrugged and said Kurt went to see Mercedes for some study help and ended up staying the night.

Finn wanted so badly to apologize. And while he was at it, he wanted to thank Kurt a billion times for not telling their parents. He couldn't imagine what Burt would do to him if he found out.

Oh God. He would actually murder me, wouldn't he? Yep. Dead Finn, that's what I'd be. Big, stupid, dead Frankenteen. Big, stupid, dead, apparently gay Frankenteen. What the actual fuck?

He sighed and sat up, then froze. He wasn't alone in the room anymore. In the reflection on his computer screen he could see him, standing motionless at the foot of the stairs, staring at him from across the room. Kurt.

Finn turned slowly to meet his stepbrother's eyes. Kurt's expression tightened, but he didn't run away, or come closer, or do anything at all. They just stood that way for a minute, staring at one another. When Finn was sure he'd go crazy from the steadily-building tension in the room, Kurt finally spoke.

"Why did you kiss me?" he asked in his soft voice. He didn't sound mad, but he didn't sound good, either. Just curious, and a little guarded. Finn sighed and leaned forward, propping his elbows up on his overlong legs and pressing the heels of his palms to his forehead.

"I don't know," he said to the floor.

"Don't give me that, Finn," Kurt said sternly, taking a few cautious steps across the room. "You were acting weird all night, and then you kissed me. And just a few months ago you were so upset by the idea that someone might think you'd want to kiss me that you were throwing the f-word around this basement like it was candy on Halloween. So," he reached Finn's side and sat down gingerly on the edge of the little table that served as their shared computer desk. When he continued, his voice was gentle. "What changed?"

Finn turned to look up at him, but didn't un-hunch his shoulders or raise his head.

"I don't know!" he said again. Kurt raised an eyebrow, and Finn continued in a halting, scared-sounding voice that broke Kurt's heart a little.

"One minute you were just Kurt, my stepbrother, and that was it. And then you borrowed some of my clothes to sleep in, and they just made you look so little and cute, and you were being really cute, and I…I wanted…I just…"

He took a deep, steadying breath. He felt like he was about to cry. And as a rule, he didn't cry, except under extreme circumstances. Like finding out his girlfriend was pregnant. He guessed that finding out he might be a little less straight than he thought was pretty tame in comparison to that, but it made him feel just as lost, just as uncertain, and he couldn't help it. He choked back a sob.

Kurt's arms were around him immediately, one of his small hands cradling his head while the other rubbed comfortingly at his back. It was the way Finn's mother had held him when he'd cried as a kid, and he sank into it gratefully, resting his head against the smaller boy's shoulder. This, at least, felt perfectly innocent and brotherly. Well, if he hadn't known the reason it was necessary in the first place.

"What am I gonna do, Kurt?" he said, his voice muffled by Kurt's sweater.

"I don't know, Finn," came his soft reply. "That's really up to you. What do you want to do?"

"Honestly?"

"Honestly. You can tell me anything, and I won't judge you, I promise." Finn pulled back, sniffling a little, and looked at Kurt through eyes blurred by tears.

"I don't know what to do," he said in a small voice. "I don't know if I'm…if I'm g-gay—" he hated himself for stumbling over the word, "or maybe bi? Or if it was just you, just that once, or…oh God, do I have to come out of the closet now? I didn't even know I was in a closet!" Finn was up and pacing, his voice was climbing, and Kurt found himself dodging frantic hand-motions as the boy began to talk himself into a full-scale panic attack. He decided to intervene.

"Finn," he said firmly, reaching out to grab his waving arms and press them still at his sides, "calm down. This is not the end of the world." Finn took a deep breath.

"I-it's not?" Kurt shook his head, looking up with eyes full of sympathy.

"It's really not. And to answer your question, no, you don't have to come out of the closet. Not yet anyway. Believe me, I don't condone denying who you are, but by the same token I think it's important to know who you are before you feel like you have to start declaring it to the world."

Finn plopped down in his chair again, looking up at Kurt with relief evident in his every feature. Then his brow furrowed with confusion.

"Okay, so…how do I figure that out?" Kurt smiled a bit ruefully.

"I really have no idea." He perched on the little desk again, angling his body toward Finn and speaking as frankly and honestly as he was capable of, alternating between meeting his eyes and looking down at his hands as he explained.

"I've kind of…always known. I mean, not that I was gay. I didn't even know what that meant when I was little. But I've always known I was different, and when I started to have any kind of romantic or…er, other, feelings about anyone," he paused, blushing delicately, "they were always toward boys, never girls."

"Wow," said Finn. "That sounds so simple." Kurt gave him a sharp eye, and he backpedalled quickly. "I mean, I know it wasn't easy, and people gave you crap. Even me," he added, looking ashamed. "But at least you knew, right? Who you were, what you liked. I thought I did. Apparently not." Finn was back to talking to the floor, and Kurt took pity on him.

"You're right," he said, "the figuring it out part was simple. If we lived in a different kind of world, my lot would definitely be the easiest, because as far as what I wanted there was no internal struggle. It was what I wanted to want, what other people thought I should want, and what they'd think if they knew what I did want, that gave me trouble."

Finn looked at him, face screwed up in confusion.

"Dude…what?" Kurt sighed.

"Nevermind, Frankenteen. My struggle was due to external forces. Yours comes from within, that's all I'm saying."

"Oh. Okay, gotcha. So…"

"Yes?" Kurt looked at him with one eyebrow cocked, and Finn felt that crazy desire to kiss him steal over him again, in spite of the perfectly normal conversation they'd just carried out and the sickening confusion he felt.

"Um…nevermind," he said, averting his eyes. Kurt reached out and put a finger under his chin, guiding his face back up so he would look at him again.

"Finn, what is it?"

"N-nothing, I just…well…" Be honest with him, he suddenly thought out of nowhere. He said he wouldn't judge.

"It's just…" he took a deep breath, and plunged in. "When you do that thing with your eyebrows it...it makes me want to k-kiss you again." And his eyes had found their way back to the floor.

Kurt considered him for a minute, his expression unreadable. Then,

"Okay," he said simply. Finn looked up at him, confused. Kurt was blushing a bit, and only met Finn's eyes briefly before looking away, blush deepening.

"O…kay? Okay, what?" Finn asked. Kurt responded by swallowing hard and meeting the taller boy's gaze, jaw set and a strangely determined glint in his eyes. Finn got it, and his mouth dropped open.

"Really?" he said, so quietly Kurt could barely hear him even at this close proximity. He only nodded shortly, once. Finn considered him for a minute, unable to figure out his expression or his frozen posture. He sat up, turned toward Kurt, and leaned forward hesitantly, stopping about four inches from Kurt's face to look him directly in his eyes. Kurt stared back, silently challenging. Finn's breathing shallowed, shook the tiniest bit.

He leaned in closer, brown eyes still locked onto blue. Kurt didn't move, but he let out a shaky breath of his own, and it ghosted over Finn's face, smelling slightly of mint and gourmet coffee. He licked his dry lips nervously, and moved even closer. Their eyes stayed locked until Finn was so close he could feel the heat radiating from Kurt's furiously blushing face, and then Kurt's closed, his lips parting in anticipation, a fraction of a second before Finn kissed him. And like the last time, Kurt kissed back, eagerly.

Unlike the last time, however, Kurt didn't push him away in the next second, and as Finn lost himself in the long, sweet, perfect kisses that followed, he thought maybe it didn't matter so much what he was or what the consequences would be, as long as he got to kiss Kurt like this from now on.

Author's Note Part II: Okay, so for everyone who probably hates me right now for not updating much lately, I am sooooo sorry! It's finals week, and I'm currently writing a very difficult paper about a subject that's kind of emotional for me (gay teen suicides), that may very well determine whether or not I graduate. And I have like twenty major papers and projects due by Monday. So that explains my lack of updates as well as the delay in my responses to reviews and messages. But I just had to take a break and do something to de-stress, and this seemed like as good a way as any to decompress and work out some of my own personal anxieties via Finn and Kurt's conversation. So yeah, this happened.

- The Raisin Girl