Chapter 3: Nameless Feeling

Today was the best morning ever. Right up until my stepdad caught me making out with his son. FML.

Finn woke up to Kurt beating him over the head with a pillow, and glared up at the smaller boy, which only earned him a smile and another slap with the pillow.

"Wake up, Frankenteen! We're going out."

Finn rolled over and looked at his alarm clock, and then groaned.

"Dude, it's seven o'clock on a Saturday. Lemme sleep!" Kurt just laughed and shook his head, leaning over to tug the blankets off Finn and make him get up. Finn, of course, wasn't having that.

He grabbed Kurt by the shoulders and pulled him down onto the bed, ignoring the smaller boy's squealed protests as he wrapped arms and legs around him and snuggled back into his mattress, getting comfortable.

"Finn!" Kurt was trying to sound outraged, but it just came out breathless with laughter. "Unhand me right this instant! You're wrinkling my outfit, and Gaga knows what you're doing to my hair!"

"Shoulda thought of that before you tried to wake me up so early," Finn mumbled sleepily, completely ignoring Kurt's attempts to free himself. After a second, he gave up and settled into Finn's embrace with an exasperated huff.

"You're derailing my plans for the day, you know," he said sulkily. He felt Finn nod. "Well, aren't you even the littlest bit sorry?"

"Nope," came Finn's reply. "Not if I get to do this instead." He tightened his arms around Kurt and nuzzled his face into the boy's hair. Kurt laughed, only a little awkwardly.

"Finn…" he hesitated, then decided to plunge on. "What are we?" He sounded so young, and uncertain, completely different from the self-assured Kurt that had comforted Finn during his emotional breakdown a few days prior. It made Finn feel something that was neither warm and fuzzy, brotherly, or hot and bothered. He couldn't put a name to it, but it ached a little. He shifted so that Kurt was laying beside him, and he could look down into the boy's pale, beautiful face.

"We're…I dunno what we are. I dunno if there's a word for it. What do you think we are?"

Kurt considered him for a moment, his face impassive. There really wasn't a good word for it. Finn thought he might run screaming from the room if Kurt said the word "boyfriends." He definitely wasn't ready for that kind of drama; just thinking of what kind of reaction he'd get from Rachel, Quinn, Puck, and Burt made him feel sick. But "friends" didn't feel right, either, and Finn knew for sure that he didn't want to be Kurt's brother. If Kurt were his brother, he couldn't hold him like this, and he definitely couldn't kiss him.

Of course, the fact that he wanted that so badly was still throwing him for a loop. Why do I feel this way, all of a sudden? He thought, not for the first time since this whole thing had started. Why Kurt? I've never thought this way about a dude before, not even like a celebrity dude or anything. Am I gay? Am I straight except for when it comes to Kurt? Does it even work like that? Does that make me bi? Is liking one dude enough to qualify me for bi-ness? Are there even rules for that kinda thing?

He suddenly realized that Kurt had leaned back on his arm, and was giving him a very amused look, as if he could read Finn's mind and knew he was spacing out and freaking himself out with weird questions. Finn grinned apologetically, and earned another of Kurt's beatific smiles in return.

"I don't know what we are, either," Kurt finally said. "No offense, Finn, but I don't want to date you." Finn's face fell a little, despite the surge of relief he felt, and Kurt hastened to explain. "Don't get me wrong, I like you. I had a huge crush on you all last year, remember? Still...our parents are married now, and we live together, so that's awkward. You're not really sure of your sexuality, and I'm not ready to put myself out there for you just to get trampled on if you decide you're straight after all, and this was all a fluke. I mean…" he faltered for a second, face getting red as he averted his eyes, suddenly vitally interested in a tiny hole in the sleeve of Finn's shirt. When he spoke again, his voice was soft, and the childlike uncertainty was back.

"You liking me that much would actually be a dream come true," he murmured, "but…it's a dream I gave up on, so I don't expect anything like that. I really want to help you figure things out, and I don't want to complicate your internal struggle with worries about hurting my feelings. I don't want you to feel obligated towards me in any way—"

Kurt was rambling, and Finn found it adorable. His face got redder and redder the longer he talked, and Finn felt his stomach do a happy little flip when Kurt said that part about a dream come true, but finally he thought it would be mean to let Kurt go on any longer, since he was obviously so flustered. He closed the distance between their lips and shut Kurt up with a quick, sweet little kiss. Kurt looked at him, surprised.

"What was that for?" he asked. Finn chuckled.

"You looked like the boy version of one of those teapots in old cartoons," he said. "I didn't want steam to start coming out of your ears." Kurt laughed and reached out to smack his chest, but Finn just grabbed his hand and held it there.

"Finn—"

"Hang on a second, okay?" Kurt nodded.

"Okay, here's the thing: I dunno if I'm gay, or bi, or if it's just you or whatever. I think it might be just you. I'm still really confused, like you said. I don't want to be your boyfriend, but not because I don't like you. But I don't want to be your friend either, and I definitely don't wanna be your brother."

He paused, brow furrowed. Putting what he was feeling into words was hard for Finn. Kurt just looked up at him from his oh-so-comfortable position nestled against Finn's side, a soft smile playing across his face as he watched his…whatever Finn was to him now. It was really disconcerting not to have a title for one another.

Finally, Finn spoke again, haltingly.

"Since the other night…I've tried to go back to the way I used to think about you. I try to look at you and see just a guy that I know from Glee, but I can't. So then I try to let you just be the best friend I've ever had." He looked into Kurt's eyes and read the question there, and smiled.

"Yeah, I know I called Puck my best friend for a really long time. But when you look at what Puck's done to me, and then what you've done for me? When I think of him, all that plays over and over in my head is the day I found out he was the father of Quinn's baby. Not sure I can ever forget that, even if I've mostly forgiven them." Kurt shifted in his arms, suddenly not meeting his eyes.

"So, what do you see when you think of me? All my pathetic fawning over you last year isn't exactly the stuff of epic friendship and camaraderie."

Finn just smiled at the top of Kurt's head.

"Dude, I have no idea what that last word even means, and you know it." Kurt let out a sad little chuckle, and Finn just squeezed his shoulders the littlest bit tighter.

"When I try to look at you as just the best friend I've ever had, I see you wearing a see-through raincoat, covered in a purple slushie." Kurt jerked his head up. Finn had never even mentioned that day again. He smiled down at him.

"You were right…none of the football team would've done something like that for me. Nobody else would've. You didn't have to, and I never would've asked you to…you just did. And it was the worst feeling in the world, watching you throw that slushie in your own face. But later…it felt…I dunno. Warm. Right here…" He squeezed the hand he was still holding against his chest. "To know somebody cared that much about me."

"Well," Kurt said, blushing furiously now and too flustered to even look Finn in the eye. "I couldn't just let them beat you up, could I?"

Finn grinned and leaned in to kiss the top of Kurt's hair. He was a little thrown by how natural this felt. It was new, and it was terrifying, and a part of him was still wondering what the hell he was doing, laying here with his friend/teammate/stepbrother/Kurt wrapped up in his arms. Mentally it was wrecking him, but physically? He never wanted to let go.

"But looking at you as a best friend didn't work, either. I started to notice all the wrong things, want all the wrong things. Thinking back to you taking that slushie for me just made me think about how you were about me back then."

Kurt grimaced.

"Can we not, please?" He asked pleadingly. "I know I was obnoxious back then and I'm sorry. I won't be like that now, Finn, no matter what you decide, I—"

"Dude, dude...that's not what I meant. Calm down." He released Kurt's hand and touched his chin instead, tilting it upward so Kurt was forced to look him in the eye. He gave him a grin, that perfect, sunny smile that always used to make Kurt's breath catch in his throat. It still did; Kurt's mini-freak-out died out, and Finn continued.

"What I meant was, how you used to look at me. I know I act like I don't notice stuff, especially when it makes me uncomfortable, but I do. I may not be the best at math…or English…or school…" Kurt snickered, and Finn silenced him with a look. "But I'm pretty good with people. I'm good at knowing what they want and how they feel. I knew you had a crush on me, even before you were obvious about it. I remember the way you smiled at me whenever I happened to look at you. I remember the way you used to look at me if I passed you in the hallway, the way you were so nervous and…and giddy…about touching me at all."

"Giddy? I most certainly was not—"

"You nearly hyperventilated helping me pick out a tie that one time, dude."

"Oh. Um…like I said before, can we not?"

"It's almost over, I promise," Finn replied affectionately. "So back then I ignored all that stuff because it freaked me out. My mom raised me to be…accepting, I guess, but you were the only openly gay dude I'd ever met, so you were definitely the only one who'd ever had a crush on me…at least as far as I knew. I didn't know how to handle it; I should've just told you I wasn't interested from the get-go, but I didn't. I ignored it thinking it'd just go away. I'm still sorry about that, by the way." His voice suddenly lost its buoyancy, and Kurt looked up to find that the smile had fallen away as well. "All of it," Finn said softly. "The not being straight with you, and the rest."

Kurt couldn't stop the smile. "Not being straight with me? Really, Finn, a pun at a time like this?" Finn looked confused, and then it dawned on him. He laughed, but it sounded hollow. Kurt drew back from Finn's arms a bit, pulling himself upright and biting his lip at the sight of Finn's dejected expression. He felt that same protective urge rise in him that had prompted his self-inflicted slushie facial. When Finn Hudson smiled it was like the sun came out, and when he looked sad, or scared, it was heart-wrenching. Kurt would have taken a hundred slushies just to never see him look that way.

"Finn," he said firmly. "I forgave you for that a long time ago. You might even remember the moment, considering you were wearing a bright red shower curtain at the time." Finn groaned and the sadness left his eyes, replaced by embarrassment. It wasn't happiness, but it was bearable. Kurt went on.

"You can't blame yourself for any of that, Finn. You knew I had a crush on you, but I also knew you didn't feel that way about me. I let myself interpret you being kind to me as a sign that maybe you secretly liked me back because I wanted it so badly, when really you were just being…decent, and good, and you. I took advantage of that, and I am so sorry."

Finn smiled down at him, a rueful half-smile this time.

"Kinda funny…all that time you had a crush on me, and then you finally get over it and I have to go nuts and kiss you just because you look adorable in my clothes. And then you hit me." Kurt grimaced, but Finn only grinned. "S'okay, dude. Just…I will personally stick up for you if anybody ever says you hit like a girl. Now c'mere and lemme finish."

He pulled Kurt in again, wrapping both arms around him. "Where was I? Right…okay, so looking at you as the best friend I've ever had got complicated. So then I tried to just see you as my brother again, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't even start to do it, it hurt too much."

Kurt looked up at him questioningly, and Finn went on.

"If you're just some guy I know, I can get to know you better. If you're my best friend, well that could turn into…something else, right? But…" his voice dropped, "if you're my brother, that's all you'll ever be. The other ones…okay, it's like, the way I feel about you is a ladder. And if…if I…loved you," a blush crept into his face as he talked, and Kurt felt something like his heart was constricting and trying to do flips at the same time, "well, that'd be the top of that ladder. But if you're family…that's like I'm on the top of a building across town with no way to climb down. I can't go any higher, and I can't ever feel less about you than I do, but I can't ever get to the top of that ladder, or even go anywhere near it. So…looking at you like my brother didn't work either."

He fell silent, and Kurt just gazed up at him, letting the quiet stretch out and envelope them. He took a moment to seriously think about what Finn meant to him. He was Kurt's friend, yes, and fellow Glee clubber—which was something like being teammates as well as brothers-in-arms in an ongoing war for independence—and Finn had been a brother to him in some ways. Kurt knew he'd be a great brother, too. For a second, Kurt faltered; he could see it all in his head. He saw himself helping Finn fill out college applications. He saw himself as the best man at Finn's wedding, patting his shoulder comfortingly in the waiting room at the birth of his first child, godfather and uncle and brother. He could have Finn forever, have a claim on him that nothing could break, and they'd be so good as brothers, better than if they'd been born that way, but they'd never be more.

At the same time, he could see another future…and it was so much less certain. He saw Finn, flustered and red-faced, trying to explain the situation to Burt and Carole with his hand clasped in Kurt's. He saw Finn holding his hand under the table at lunch, saw Rachel and Quinn's glares slowly fading into resignation, then acceptance, and eventually—at least on Rachel's part—genuine happiness for the two of them. He saw Finn defending him when some Neanderthal football player tried to push him around, saw himself washing slushie out of Finn's hair in the locker rooms, saw the two of them dancing at prom and hugging one another, holding on for dear life, after graduation. He saw Finn's nervous look as he asked Kurt to marry him and that perfect, sunshining smile when Kurt said yes. He saw Finn freaking out and worrying he'd "break it or something" the first time they held the baby they'd adopt. He saw Finn's arm around his waist and felt Finn's lips pressing a kiss to his hair as they watched their kid go off to school for the first time and Kurt fought not to tear up.

It was even more beautiful than being brothers, but so uncertain. Because Finn wasn't sure, and they were teenagers, and anything could happen at every moment along the way, for the rest of their lives, to derail that future and turn it into a tragedy. Finn could be too afraid, Finn could change his mind. Hell, I could change my mind, he thought desperately. We could be happy, but we could also break each others' hearts.

When that happened—if it happened—they wouldn't be able to go back to being brothers. As soon as they took the leap they were staring down, brothers would be left behind. Kurt could lose everything he saw in that first, perfect vision. He wasn't completely sure they hadn't already lost it. As he looked into Finn's eyes, he knew the other boy would never go back to seeing him just as a brother again, and he wasn't sure he could do it, either. He felt his heart start to race at the knowledge of everything they were risking, but he knew he'd wonder for the rest of his life what might have happened if he backed down now. His choice was made…he'd let Finn decide for himself.

"So…what? Where does that leave us?" His voice was quiet, and he had to force himself not to look away from Finn's face as he spoke. The smile he earned was well worth the effort.

"So I'll come up with the perfect word later, but for now can you just be Kurt, and I'll be Finn? It's always worked before."

Kurt smiled weakly.

"It's never worked quite like this before."

"I know," Finn said. "And I'm…scared." That's as good a word as any. "But we'll figure it out. All I know is that you're awesome…amazing. You're a good friend, and you sing like…I dunno, like an angel or something. You make me feel good about…life, everything. I like hugging you, and making you laugh. And I like kissing you. I'll keep kissing you as long as you'll let me."

"Careful," Kurt said. "I don't think I'd ever be able to not let you."

Finn's heart soared, and he pulled Kurt into a bone-crushing hug, thinking this was definitely the best morning ever. At the renewed squeals of protest, he released him, and grinned at his indignant glare.

"So," he said casually. "What was this epic plan you had for today?"

Kurt grinned. "You'll never know, Finny-boy. Change of plans."

And he leaned forward, taking Finn's face in his hands and kissing him in a way that pushed the word brother right out of his vocabulary. Finn groaned into Kurt's mouth, bringing his hands to the smaller boy's slender hips and pushing him backwards without ever breaking the contact between their lips. When he had Kurt on his back he kissed him harder, sliding one hand underneath the fabric of his shirt, fingers caressing the cool skin there and pulling Kurt against him as he used his other hand to hold himself up. Kurt clutched at his shoulders, returning his kisses enthusiastically and letting out a soft, high-pitched little noise at the feel of Finn's hand on the bare skin of his back. He closed his eyes and lost himself, letting one of his hands inch around to Finn's back before sliding up to tangle in his short, dark hair while the other fisted his t-shirt and pulled him down. Finn lost his balance and fell on top of Kurt, their bodies flush against one another from head to toe—or head to mid-calf, since Finn was so much taller.

He rolled to the side and released Kurt's lips only to place warm, open-mouthed kisses on his jawline, his earlobe, and then one on his neck before he moved back to capture his mouth and began to work at the buttons on Kurt's fussy shirt, intent on revealing more of the soft, perfect pale skin. Finally, after his fingers slipped from a button for the third time, Kurt laughed throatily and pressed up, pushing Finn away. The larger boy was caught off guard, and released Kurt immediately, thinking he'd gone too far. Before he could open his mouth and catch enough breath to apologize, however, Kurt had wrenched open the offending buttons and was pressing against him again, collar and pale, perfect chest now exposed. Finn's heart was thudding a marathon as he slid his hands inside the open shirt, skimming lightly, almost reverently against the skin of Kurt's chest, stomach, sides…Kurt shivered at the sensation. His eyes fluttered closed and he opened his mouth, ever-so-slightly, in a little gasp of pleasurable surprise.

Finn didn't waste any time. He leaned in and kissed Kurt again, slipping his tongue between the boy's parted lips and exploring the inside of his mouth. Kurt just went with it, licking at Finn's tongue experimentally and then giving himself over to instinct, battling Finn's tongue for dominance and embarrassing himself a little with the high, breathless, needy noises that were thankfully mostly swallowed in their kisses as Finn's hands roamed all over him, leaving his skin burning for more everywhere they touched—

"What the hell?"

Both boys froze.

Author's Note: Phew, okay, that took me forever to write. I finally was able to finish it. I dunno how I feel about it, though. On the one hand, I like getting some emotional interactions between Kurt and Finn, but on the other I'm thinking "what are you doing? you just spent 2,000 words on thinking that could have been taken up with hot boy kisses!" What can I say? As much as it seems unlike two teenage boys to sit and think about the implications of their actions before they do what they want, I can only write so far out of my own realm of experience, and in my experience, even teenagers stop to think sometimes. At least, I did when I was one.

- The Raisin Girl