So, the 2nd of four chapters has arrived. So many ideas. So many bad ideas, but among them was this one. Let me further explain this AU before I continue. The only two members of the 1st generation family that are married are Daemon and Giotto. Giotto and Nana are married in this; Iemestu is Giotto's lazy brother and Tsuna's dead beat uncle. Other than that, enjoy. I do not own Reborn or any of its characters.

Tsuna: 14 (High School)

Haru: 14 (High School)

Chapter 2: The Secret Truth About Women

Giotto was the happiest man in the world. He was leader of the most powerful and respect mafia family in the world, he had a sexy loving wife (whom he stole from his bitter brother, Iemetsu), and an adorable son who could do no wrong. In his eyes, life was perfect…

"Waaaaahhhh!" that perfect world came crashing down after hearing Tsuna's scream.

"Oh god, oh god! Someone's kidnapping Tsuna!" Giotto ran down the halls of his mansion for his son. He heard a loud door slam and sped up believing it was a gun shot.

"Hang on Tsuna, I'll rescue y… UMPFH!" at that moment Giotto was down for the count as he had been headbutted by a running, screaming Tsuna… in the nuts. The blonde groaned and held his crotch moaning in pain. "W-Who t-threw the f-f-football…"

Tsuna, who'd crashed on the ground at the same time as his father, went to check up on him. "Dad, I'm so sorry! I-I was being chased by that crazy girl again!" Giotto was too focused on his damaged crotch to pay attention to his son. The brunette ran toward his father and shook him for a while. "Please get up!"

"Can't. Sorry son, looks like you won't be getting a sibling this Christmas either."

As if the situation couldn't get worse, there was a banging on the door. "Tsuna-san, Haru just wanted to give her famous Haru Haru Dangerous Muffins! I promise they're delicious. Kyoko thinks so."

"Eeeee!" Tsuna screeched. "No… habla English. Tsuna no home. Come back… other day, crazy *****," Tsuna poorly disguised his voice to a Hispanic woman.

"That's horrible you know," Giotto remarked.

"She won't go away; what do I do? She's my friend, but it's hard to talk to her because she keeps clinging to me and calling me her future husband. It's too much. What if Kyoko thinks Haru and I are dating? I-I can't have that, but I don't want to hurt Haru."

Giotto let out a small smile. "I knew someday that Sawada adorability gene would be our undoing. Sure enough, my son will be its next victim. Why must God bless us with accursed beauty?" Giotto mentally shakes a fist in the sky. The two jumped up when the door banging started again.

"At least let Haru drop off the muffins," Giotto pleasantly remarked.

Nana walked by overhearing their conversation and headed towards the door. "I'm surprised none of you boys opened up for this sweet girl. You really should try her muffins, Tsuna. It's the polite thing to do."

"Eeee! I-I-I don't want to try her muffins! Who knows where they have been!" Tsuna trembled.

"Well, they can't be that bad."

"Dad, you don't understand! She takes cooking lessons from Bianchi!" the young teen watched as his father became terrified.

"Eeeeee!" panicking, Giotto felt the world turn to slow motion as he saw Nana grab the doorknob. "Na-na, noooooo!" Tsuna's hands pressed up against his cheeks as Haru walked through the door with a smile on her face holding a basket of purplish looking muffins. The pair could see the toxic, fuchsia fumes radiating from its hardened, violet form. The younger Sawada could've sworn there were cockroaches trapped in its tough, hardened form. Obviously they were dead.

Giotto's look became a serious one as he watched the women converse with one another. He turned to Tsuna with a plan. "Tsuna, it's time to initiate operation natsu! We have to hurry and get rid of the muffins of mass destruction before we're invaded by the U.N. I didn't think a threat like this could infiltrate my home so easily. We do this not just as Vongola, but father and son. THIS THREAT MUST BE THWARTED!"

"I'm with you dad!" Tsuna felt confident as the two tried to get up and run before the terrorist and her captive saw them.

"Tsuna-san! Mr. Sawada! How are you doing?" the terrorist caught up to them within seconds. She'd pounce on Tsuna in a loving hug as he became petrified by fear staring at the toxic muffins in front of him.

"Save me," he whispered in a low tone toward his father. He had disappeared before the brunette's eyes as he pulled the captive into the kitchen. "Ah! My father betrayed me!"

Giotto dragged Nana in the kitchen as she was confused on what's going on. "Giotto, why are you acting so strange?"

"Long story short, you brought our son's stalker and her weapons of mass destruction in our home! Now the U.N. has a reason to call for a nuclear strike in Nanimori!" he panicked.

Nana chuckled at her husband. "Don't be silly. It's adorable our son has such a loving girlfriend. He's just gushing in excitement!" Nana glowed. Suddenly they heard a girlish shriek. "Oh look, Tsuna must've had her muffins."

"That screech was Tsuna! He's in danger. Nana, get my cape! I have to protect our son…"

"Nooo you don't," Nana grabbed Giotto as he was dragged into the living room. "Let's give them some space."

"A-Aren't you afraid she'll kill him or take his innocence!"

"Don't be silly. Tsuna is a perfect gentleman, and stop acting like Haru is one of those hitmen that come after you."

"Of course she's not a hitman. She's a terrorist with her terror muffins and she uses stalking terror tactics to terrorize our son! It's TERRIBLE!" Giotto flapped his arms like a madman as Nana chuckled.

"Oh, Giotto. You're so hilarious. I promise it'll be fine," with perfect timing, Haru came in the room panting.

"Help! Tsuna-san passed out and is foaming at the mouth!" Tsuna's parents looked at one another before rushing with Haru to Tsuna's side.

"Haru was feeding Tsuna one of her delicious muffins, and he was talking about being nervous about tasting Haru's muffin. Hasn't Tsuna ever had a muffin before? Haru didn't know Tsuna was a muffin virgin," her wording caught both Nana and Giotto off guard as they tripped midway in their sprint. "Then Tsuna bit the muffin and told me how spectacular it was! Then he took small bites when I looked at him! He looked so happy and said something about dying… Haru thinks he was saying, 'these muffins are so good I've died and gone to heaven.' He said it all in one long short breath before he started foaming from the mouth."

The three of them arrived and saw Tsuna in an awkward position on the ground. His neck was twisted halfway, his eyes cross-eyed, mouth gaped open and foaming, left arm hanging in the air, legs bent as though he was trying to stand up, and most disturbing thing was his torso turned 180 degrees sloping down. He looked as though he was possessed.

"TSUNA!" Nana and Haru yelled as the young teen called 9-1-1, while Nana ran to her little boy's side.

"Oh my God!" Giotto turns to Nana. "Call a Knuckle; he can exorcise the demon muffin out of him…"

"Haru's muffins are not demonic!"

"Why does he look like he's possessed by the devil!"

"M-Maybe Satan had him before he had Haru's muffins…"

"EVERYONE SHUT UP THE HELL UP AND HELP MY LITTLE BOY!" Nana screamed as she began crying.

Both Haru and Giotto stopped talking as they awaited a response from the hospital and Knuckle. "Also call Daemon; this seems like something in his territory being… you know, being a demon worshipping douche."

(Four Hours Later)

Tsuna woke up in Nanimori hospital with a sore back, neck brace, and his left arm in a sling. He moaned in pain as he tried to turn and look over his surroundings. All he could see was white on the walls, his cast and bed, and the machines he was hooked up to. As far as he was concerned, this was the worst day in his life. He'd rather be "bitten to death" by Hibari than go through that again. If he knew his day was going to be bad, why couldn't Kyoko be the one to bring him the demon muffins instead?

Using his peripherals, he saw his father standing beside him with puppy dog eyes staring at him. "Tsuna, you okay pal?"

"Yeah. What happened?" he spoke in a hoarse voice.

"Well, the officially and ironically named 'Haru Haru Dangerous Muffin' was pumped out of your stomach… after two hours. Knuckle had to exorcise whatever cursed ingredient Bianchi put in the muffin, and Alaude is currently using all his efforts to keep the recipe out of enemy hands. He wanted to it into a weapon, but I forbid it. Apparently he had an idea for "Red Riding Hood Soldiers," whatever that is. He's still working on the name. DADDY'S SO GLAD YOU'RE ALIVE!"

An emotional Giotto latched himself on Tsuna as he cried in pain. "ARGH! DAD! LET GO! AAGG!"

"A-Ah, sorry! Daddy's just glad you safe and sound. I am talking to Tsuna, right?" he eyed his son cautiously.

"Yes."

"Okay then," Giotto pulled up a chair by his son's bed and sat down. "Your mother is outside talking to Elena. She's been freaked out over the whole ordeal. Haru's been trying to get in the hospital and but Kyouya, Hayato, and Murkuro have been resilient in keeping her out. She actually tried to build a catapult to get in; only made it to the second floor. Off by five, but you got to respect her resilience!"

Tsuna frowned upon hearing that. "I-I know Haru meant well, b-but she shouldn't be punished for trying to do something nice. Why do girls do things like that? They do things like that for Gokudera and Yamamotto even if sometimes they're stand-offish like Gokudera. I don't think Yamamotto is interested in any of them either, but they still do it. I don't get it."

Giotto smirked upon hearing his son's curiosity. "Tsuna, you don't know much about women. I should've started teaching you about the mysterious and bizarre sex as soon as you became as adorable as you are."

"Mom said I was this adorable since I was born."

"Which means you have 15 years of advice to catch up with!" Giotto spoke with a smile. "I'll start with the universal truth about women. This one truth will be the greatest of advice you'll ever receive because it answers the how and why women do what they do. Are you ready to learn, son?"

Tsuna gripped the bed with his right hand and whispered, "Yes." It was like he was learning the secret of life from his father. This great man who conceived and raised him was going to give him advice powerful enough for him to handle any woman! Maybe it'll help him get Kyoko! He was excited.

Giotto went to the windows and closed the shades. He went to the hospital door and barricaded it with his chair. Turning back to his son, he gave him a serious stare as the air became heavy with anticipation.

"Sawada Tsunayoshi… the one piece of advice about women that trumps all others that all of man AND woman kind has come to accept is that… bitches be crazy."

For several minutes the room was silent. Tsuna had just absorbed that quote into his mind, and as he thought about it, it explained almost every situation he could think of with every woman he has ever interacted with. His mom, Auntie Elena, Chrome, Lal Murch, Bianchi, and Haru… they were all crazy. None of this chaos would've happened hadn't been for them. They were the real reason why he ended up in crazy adventures, broken in a hospital bed every three weeks, pissing his pants every two, and once a year, he'd crap his pants because they instigate or do something that overwhelm him so bad that'd he lose his lucky undies (which ironically coincides the same time he'd crap himself.)

"So you mean to tell me, if Haru was stable…"

"She would've asked an actually cook to teach her than a crazy chick whose very touch can poison and kill a man…"

"And if Chrome was normal…"

"Daemon's ass would've been kicked by now…"

"What about Lal?"

"She and Colonello would be married and have two normal kids now instead of being two single, weird nymphomaniacs I NEVER want you seeing or doing the things they do… They are just disgusting…"

"Even mom?"

"Well, your mom is lower on the crazy scale than the others. After all, denial and delusion is a powerful weapon, especially against a lie detector."

"Auntie Elena isn't crazy. She's sophisticated, beautiful, smart…"

"She married Daemon. That's all the proof you need."

"When you think about it… it makes a lot of sense! Well, all but one thing. Why doesn't Kyoko like me? She can't be crazy too… she's too perfect."

Giotto slowly slid an arm around his son and smirked at him. He obviously had an answer for that. "Kyoko is like your mom; she's in denial. After all, you're my son; you're too adorable to turn down. So don't feel bad that she's not seeing what Haru is seeing. If anything, maybe the one girl you should be looking for has been looking at you for a while. I mean after all, she made cupcakes that could bring any nation to their knees, and she did it for you."

"So, you're saying I should give Haru a chance? Like a date?"

"I'm saying it's your choice. It's all about how you feel about her. You two are already friends, so consider that first. The one thing I'm going to have to ask though, regardless of what you do, is to please get her to take REAL cooking lessons. Next time she'll bring cookies that'll trigger a zombie apocalypse. If there is anything to learn from 'The Walking Dead,' 'Resident Evil,' 'High School of the Dead,' and 'Dawn of the Dead,' is that we will NEVER be ready to fight off against zombies. You could have a hundred of me or a thousand Vongola guardians but if one or two of us gets bit, that's going to be hell," Giotto began to get hysterical and shook his son. "YOU MUST STOP HARU FROM COOKING! Oh god, Lampo bit your mother! The sky is burning!"

SLAP!

Giotto's face was marked red as his seething son slapped his father with his good hand. "You were losing it… AND YOUR KNEE IS ON MY ARM!" Tsuna looked down at his broken left arm as it appeared to try to run away from his own body as it clawed at the sheets outward to the door. "I'm not doing that, dad." A shocked Giotto ran out to the hall and called for the doctors before his son's arm ran away from his body.

The Next Day…

A beautiful, sunny Saturday afternoon wouldn't be wasted by anyone indoors; unfortunately for Sawada Tsunayoshi, he was trapped in the hospital due to eating bad muffins. For the rest of his life, he'll have a phobia of muffins. This adds to another of embarrassing fails of the future Vongola boss. The brunette sighed as he looked outside. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"T-T-Tsuna-san… I-It's Haru. Can I come in?"

For a second, Tsuna hesitated. He'd actually feared Haru was walking in with the formula to the zombie apocalypse in another basket of baked goods. Still, he needed to remedy this. "S-Sure, Haru." Turning to his side, Tsuna prayed, "Dear God, please don't let my uncle Lampo eat my brain. He's a good man, and I wish to spare him from becoming a dead head and biting me. We all know if zombies break out they'll go for him first because he's lazy. Whatever you do, just don't let Haru zombify the world."

One of Tsuna's current fears came true – Haru walked in with a basket of baked goods. "Eeeeeee!" Tsuna's monitor had begun to beep louder and faster as Haru walked closer.

"W-What's wrong? Do I need to get a nurse?" Tsuna shook his head as Haru calmed down. When she noticed him stare at the basket, she replied, "It's from the cafeteria down stairs. They're brownies."

The young Sawada wasn't sure how to respond; he believed Haru wouldn't lie to him so he gave her the benefit of the doubt and allowed her to stay. If a zombie apocalypse did break out because he at her brownies, he'd take responsibility for it and accept any bullet or blunt object smashing his head.

Haru grabbed a chair and sat close to Tsuna. Haru had taken a brownie and took the first bite to ensure Tsuna it was safe. When Tsuna saw her smiling and not turning into a possessed monster, he stared at the brownies hoping to have one. Noticing this, the young girl grabbed a brownie and held it out to Tsuna. He accepted it as she fed it to him. The two smiled as he enjoyed having a treat not trying to tear him apart from the inside out.

Playing with the helm of her skirt, Haru sadly looked at Tsuna. "H-Haru wants to…"

"You don't have to say it, Haru. I forgive you. J-Just next time, ask my mom to help you bake. I'm sure she'd like the company," Tsuna smiled at her as Haru let out a small blush before the two continued eating brownies.

Tsuna wasn't sure how to approach Haru at this point. She'd always be his friend, but anything more was difficult to determine. However, with the entire time she'd been with him in the hospital, it was the first time in years that his focus wasn't on Kyoko; to the future sky guardian, Haru's presence was a breath of fresh air, and he'd hope to be around it more often no matter how crazy it'd make him.