Who I am Hates Who I've Been
I audition for Danny with "Hopelessly Devoted to You"; the reason I sing that song is because it's how I feel about Kurt. I just can't take the part when I'm going through this, though.
I realize I shouldn't be so sad all the time; my life is just...a sorry excuse for a life right now, to be honest. But I made it that way, so I can't really complain.
The exact moment my life got so messed up was when I went to Eli's house. Or when I sent the text. I wish I could take back that text so badly right now...
I've never really been a very good person, come to think of it. Sure, anyone else would tell you that I was a good guy (well, before the whole cheating thing, that is. Now everyone hates me) but I know myself better than that. I was a mentor and a friend to a lot of people, I guess...but I've never really been that good of a boyfriend to Kurt, you see. I got jealous over Chandler, and now look at what I've done.
I've never given real advice. "Courage"-yeah, right. And where did courage get Kurt? He assured me it's fine now, that Dave's his friend now, but Kurt's first kiss wouldn't have been stolen if it weren't for me.
I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart
And I can't let that happen again
'Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life
Miss Pillsbury told me to stop beating myself up...I guess that's true that I do take everything out on myself. Maybe I'm not really as bad a person as I just said I was...
I don't really have any friends left since I cheated on Kurt...everyone's on his side, as they well should be. I'm on his side, for goodness sakes. So I've kind of been sitting in my room, just talking to myself. Isn't that sad? And I don't just mean like every once in a while. Every. Single. Day.
The other day I just started crying, for absolutely no reason. I was just sitting there when I started to cry. I'm thinking it's all this bottled up emotion...But what else can I do? I'm falling apart, all because of a stupid mistake I made. And now I just have to live with it...unless I can invent a time machine...
I'm trying to be a better person, I swear. I'll never cheat again-at least, I hope not. If I ever do get another boyfriend, that is. I'll never cheat again. Ever.
I may not be with Kurt still, but I'll take the second chance he gave me. He gave me a second chance at friendship. I'm extremely grateful; you have no idea.
I can't change the past, and I'll always hate myself a little for that. But I can change; I can (not to be cheesy) learn from my mistakes. I'll never become that way again. Even if Kurt never takes me back, I'll do better at...everything, for him. I promise, Kurt. I promise.