Chapter 40 - Remus - Christmas Eve

Thursday 24th December – Waxing Gibbous

The sun was just beginning to peek above the horizon as Remus finished preparing breakfast. A light snow was falling but not enough to settle. Hermione was sat at the little dining table by the window reading A Study in Scarlet. Remus had convinced her to read Sherlock Holmes and was pleased to see that she was now hooked. She looked up and smiled as he set the plate down in front of her.

'Thank you,' she said, and replaced her bookmark before putting the book to one side.

'My pleasure,' he replied, then motioned towards the book. 'Looks like you've almost finished it.'

She nodded.

'No spoilers please. I think I should have it done by the end of the day.'

He smiled and tucked in hungrily to the sausages and bacon before him. He then noticed that she hadn't touched her food and knew a question was coming. He looked up.

'How are you feeling?' she probed gently. Exactly what she was referring to was unclear, but he chose to avoid the topic he didn't want to discuss.

'Hungry. A little agitated, but that's normal. Moony seems pretty unhappy that you're here.'

It was true. With the full moon just a day away Moony had really begun to make his displeasure known, but Remus was doing a good job of suppressing him. It was mentally exhausting and Remus felt a slight worry that he might regret his behaviour tomorrow when Moony was in charge.

'Sorry Moony, but you're stuck with me,' she said light-heartedly. Moony rumbled in retort, and Remus felt his stomach do a guilty lurch.

'Thank you for staying. It's very… kind of you.'

'It's honestly no problem at all,' she replied, and he knew she meant it. He knew she liked being here, being with him. And he had to admit he liked it too. A lot. His thoughts returned to yesterday on the beach, how content he had felt. But he was afraid to commit his feelings to words, as if voicing them would force him to face up to what it really meant. What he really wanted. He watched as she buttered a piece of toast, his eyes flicking to her lips as she took a bite…

'Hermione.'

It wasn't fair to lead her on like this.

'Mm?'

Sometimes, you've got to have the difficult conversations. He sighed.

'I think we should talk.'

'Okay,' she said, placing the piece of half-eaten toast back down onto her plate and straightening up in response to his more serious tone.

'I'm s-'

'Just don't open with an apology,' she interjected playfully, catching him off guard.

He closed his mouth, thinking of how he could rephrase his sentence, and then started again.

'I fear that I have been unfair to you on this trip. I gave you very little idea of what the plan was, what my thoughts and feelings were… and I must say you've coped remarkably well. So, thank you.'

'No, thank you. It's been a good lesson in not being a control freak.'

He attempted a smile, but the unease he felt smothered it.

'I'm… I… gosh, your no apology rule is difficult. I'm very bad at this.'

She waited patiently. He tried again.

'This is hard for me… And I haven't been at all fair with how I've treated you. I admit I was keeping you at arm's length because I was afraid of getting close…'

'You're right, you are really bad at this,' she said with a smile.

'Yeah, sorry - ah shit, I mean - not sorry,' they both laughed, and he felt some of the tension evaporate.

'Come on, get on with it,' she quipped, but he noticed a nervous, expectant edge to her tone and sensed her heart rate quicken.

'Okay, okay, what I'm trying to say is.' He cleared his throat and stared pointedly at his hands, twisting and untwisting his fingers. 'I have been struggling to figure out how I feel… about you. It's hard because, every time I have a thought or a feeling, I would just push it aside, because the reality of dealing with it… well that just felt far too overwhelming. But I can't keep pretending it's not there.'

He could feel his face heating up, but he pressed on.

'I really like you Hermione. I don't know what that means yet… I don't know in what way… and I don't know what I want or hope to achieve from this conversation… I just… wanted you to know that I care about you a lot. And you being here this week has been wonderful. And… I also want to thank you for being patient with me and my mixed messages… despite the fact I know on the inside you're probably just about bursting with questions.'

He waited, but when a response didn't come he glanced up and saw she was smiling widely.

'Is that everything?' she asked, and he let out a relieved exhale.

'Umm… I think so. Do you have any thoughts on the matter?'

She nodded,

'Yes, many. In truth it's been the only thing on my mind since yesterday,' she admitted. 'I also really like you, as you are well aware. And… I don't think we can keep pretending that we're just friends any more… I think we're a bit beyond that now, don't you?'

He nodded slowly, 'Yeah…'

'But, I also don't feel any rush to do anything, or be anything, or label anything. Not right now anyway. Not whilst we can exist in this strange little bubble hidden away from the world. Can we just stay here forever?'

He smiled at the thought, 'That would be lovely.'

She reached out and took hold of his hand. Instinctively he tensed up as Moony snarled, but quickly regained control and squeezed her hand back. They exchanged smiles, whilst Moony resigned himself to sulking noisily.

'No pressure, remember?' she reminded him, and he nodded. 'We can just, do what feels right.'

'Okay,' he said smally, and swallowed nervously as she reached out and placed her other hand on his cheek. He closed his eyes at the sensation, and noticed the feelings of longing and guilt swirling around and around, each fighting for control.

'And we can tell each other how we feel,' she murmured.

He opened his eyes. Her face was so close to his. He wanted to reach out. And so he did. Gently he cupped her face with his hand, mirroring her. Then he guided her head towards his and rested their foreheads together, before letting out the shaky breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding, and closed his eyes once more. He felt the tingling sensation buzzing around his skull, accompanied by Moony's agitated grumbling.

'And how do you feel now?' he asked quietly, and felt her smile.

'Very happy,' she said breathlessly.

Her smell was intoxicating to him and he breathed deeply, causing the growling and the buzzing to intensify until he felt as though his ears were ringing from the noise and his head was going to split open. He cried out and pulled away, the noises fading away as he massaged his temples.

'Are you okay?' she asked, alarmed, her eyes wide.

'Yeah… its just Moony. It's just exhausting fighting him.'

She offered him a sympathetic glance, before changing the subject.

'So I guess, since I'm staying, we need to get our heads around tomorrow.'

'Tomorrow?'

'Christmas!'

'What about it.'

She rolled her eyes affectionately.

'Gifts, tree, you know? The full works. We can do it if we get organised today.'

'It's not that important…' he said reluctantly.

'But I want to,' she said indignantly. 'When we the last time you had a proper Christmas?'

She had a point, as always. And so he relented.

They spent the morning separately planning and organising a gift for one another, and then in the afternoon took a leisurely walk up the cliffs to a woodland where they hunted for the perfect tree. They found a small conifer no more than 4ft high nestled in a grove amongst some larger trees and decided it suited their small, understated Christmas just perfectly. Remus offered to use magic to remove the tree, but Hermione said stubbornly that she wanted to do it the 'proper muggle' way and got to work with a spade digging the tree out of the ground so as to preserve its roots. She did at least agree to let him carry it, and he slung it over his shoulder with ease.

As they traipsed back towards the cottage he suddenly felt her hand take a hold of his. Moony snarled angrily, but he swiftly regained his composure and accepted it with a gentle squeeze in return. He offered her a small smile, suddenly feeling rather like a shy school boy once more. Hermione, on the other hand, couldn't hide the huge smile on her face which made his stomach do a somersault.

They found a large plant pot in the overgrown garden and Hermione planted the tree into it in the living room whilst Remus rummaged around the cupboards of the cottage looking for decorations.

'Are you sure we have to do it all the muggle way?' he enquired, holding up his spoils – some very moth eaten bunting and a string of electric lights of which only half the bulbs worked. Hermione couldn't help but laugh at the pitiful sight.

'Fine, you can decorate the tree, but that's all.'

He flicked his wand and transfigured the bunting into golden tinsel, and the lights into dozens of glowing orbs which he enchanted to float between the boughs of the tree, drifting slowly creating a beautiful, slow movement of shadows and lights dancing on the walls. It was simple, and beautiful. Hermione smiled.

'Have we satisfied all your Christmas Eve traditions?' he asked.

'Pretty much, yeah. How about yours?'

'Just one more,' he said and walked over to the old record player in the corner and gave it a hard blow, sending up a puff of dust. He then flicked through the box of records beside it and pulled one out. He removed it from its sleeve and inspected it. Seeming satisfied he placed it on the record player and positioned the needle. Warm, crackling music filled the room and he was immediately transported back to his childhood.

'Care to dance?' he enquired, extending his arm to Hermione in invitation.

She giggled, 'Sure. You did say you would show me someday.'

He took a hold of her hand and placed his other hand on her waist.

'Well I am a man of my word. Alright, put your left hand on my shoulder, and now follow along, like this.'

He guided her through some simple steps and nodded encouragingly, 'Nice, you're getting it.' Then she stepped the wrong way onto his foot and stumbled, and they both laughed as he stopped her from falling.

'See? Natural elegance and grace,' he joked. 'Remember, when I come forward on the left foot you need to step back like this to allow…' his instruction trailed off when he realised she was looking at him intently. He swallowed nervously as he felt her hand trailing up the back of his neck and felt his heart rate quicken. Suddenly her face was very close… he could so easily just sink his teeth into…

Moony snarled and Remus jerked his chin upwards, out of reach as she leaned in.

'I- I'm sorry…' he stammered. She took a step back, breaking the contact and looking at him searchingly.

'What's wrong?'

'I don't know… I just… I can't. Not now… not tonight. I'm sorry,' he said, tripping over his words in hasty apology.

He could see her cheeks had turned red with embarrassment as she looked down at the floor, avoiding his gaze.

'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have… I just got caught up…' she mumbled.

'No, I'm sorry… I think I need some more time…' he felt a mix of guilt and confusion and longing, along with the gnawing feeling of self-disgust he was still unable to reconcile.

He attempted a strained smile, but couldn't help but feel that the mood unsalvageable and the evening ruined.

'It's okay,' she said, flashing a reassuring smile in return, but it didn't seem to quite meet her eyes.

'Well… I think… maybe I'm just going to go to bed…' he mumbled along with another handful of apologies as he shuffled awkwardly from the room towards his bedroom.

Idiot, he berated himself angrily.