AN: Sorry for another huge delay. These two chapters took ages and ages to write, but I hope I got the balance right in the end. As ever, reviews welcome. Thanks!

Chapter 41 – Both – Merry Christmas

Friday 25th December – Full Moon

Hermione

Hermione awoke early on Christmas morning. She hadn't slept well last night, the events of the previous day weighing heavily on her mind. She now knew, clearer than ever, what it was that she wanted, and for a brief, glorious moment she thought she knew what he wanted to. But, it seemed, he was still much less sure than she was. Like the romantic fool that she was, she had allowed her hopes to reach new heights, and now the fear of being rejected was almost paralysing. The waiting and uncertainty was agonising and she half wanted to just demand he make a decision, but at the same time she was afraid of being too pushy and driving him away forever. She sighed heavily and looked out the window at the gradually lightening sky. At least she was somewhere beautiful.

Not ready to get up, and not wanting to face him just yet, she busied herself penning some Christmas well wishes to her friends and parents. She was sat in her pyjamas cross legged on the bed scribbling away when a knock on her door startled her.

'Come in,' she called, as casually as possible.

The door swung open to reveal Remus standing with a tray of breakfast and a sheepish look on his face. She felt the now-familiar flutter in her stomach.

'Merry Christmas,' he said simply.

'Merry Christmas to you too.'

'May I?' he enquired vaguely, and she nodded and scooched along the bed to make a space for him to sit.

'I'm afraid I rather… let myself and you down last night. I wanted to ask whether you would forgive me… and perhaps we can start over again?' He extended the tray towards her as if it were some kind of offering.

She smiled and accepted the tray.

'Thank you, that's very sweet. But, you don't need to be sorry. I know this is all very complicated and confusing.' She wanted to express her frustrations. She wanted to ask why he was so hot and cold with her. She wanted to know what he was thinking. But she refrained. Now was not the time. Not today.

They ate breakfast and gradually she felt the awkwardness begin to thaw back into their usual, comfortable conversation.

'Okay, may I give you your gift now?' he asked once they had finished eating.

She nodded, intrigued, and smiled when his face lit up.

'Okay, I need to go and get it, hold on.' He left the room for a few minutes then she heard his voice call from the hallway.

'Okay close your eyes, I didn't get a chance to wrap it up.'

She giggled and did so, now feeling a little apprehensive.

'Hold out your hands,' his voice was suddenly much closer.

Something heavy and soft landed in her hands, catching her by surprise. She opened her eyes then gasped when she saw the big ginger cat in her lap.

'You went back and got him?!' she said incredulously.

He nodded, smiling.

'His name is Crookshanks.'

She buried her face in his soft fluff.

'Wow, he is so soft! Hello handsome chap,' she cooed softly. 'I can't believe it! Thank you.'

She was besotted with the cat, who had begun nuzzling against her hand and purring loudly.

'Although, it makes my gift look a little mundane in comparison…'

'I don't mind.'

'Alright then, follow me, come on Crookshanks.'

She slipped on her shoes and shrugged a coat on over her pyjamas before leading their little part out to the tumbledown barn.

He shot her a puzzled look, but she just smiled and pulled open the heavy door.

'Ta-daa!' she exclaimed, and smiled as she watched him take it in. She had swept the debris from the floor and cleaned up the dried blood. She had then sourced some camomile candles which were supposed to be very calming and placed some around the edges of the barn.

'I know it won't make tonight any easier… but I also got you this for tomorrow.'

She held out a gift wrapped in brown paper, but he was still looking at the barn.

'You did all this… for me?'

'Yep.'

'With no magic?'

'Yep. Merry Christmas.'

'Hermione…' he looked like he didn't know what to say. 'I… thank you,' he said sincerely.

She smiled up at him.

'It's no problem. Here,' she said again, offering the package to him.

'Wow, even more. How did I get so lucky?'

He unwrapped the paper to reveal a selection of muggle chocolates and a historical novel she had found in the second hand book shop in the village.

'I know they won't help with tonight, but at least you can look forward to them tomorrow.'

He looked down at the gifts for a second, then back to the barn, and then pulled her into a tight hug. She closed her eyes and hugged him back, enjoying the warmth of his body. Eventually he pulled away and she gazed up at him, smiling. He looked down at his feet.

'Sorry… I just still find this… difficult.'

'It's okay,' she said patiently, 'There is no rush.'

After Hermione got dressed they set off for a Christmas day walk – a Granger family tradition. She had packed a flask of mulled wine which kept her warm, as did his hand in hers. It also made her feel very festive indeed. They walked along the beach, around the headland and back. It wasn't a very long walk as she could see Remus beginning to struggle with the approaching full moon.

When they returned to the cottage Hermione got to work cooking a Christmas lunch. Despite some weak protesting, Remus begrudgingly allowed himself to be cooked for and waited upon, and took a nap in his room whilst she cooked. The meal consisted almost entirely of meat, which soon filled the cottage with a delicious smell. Finally, after they had eaten and cleaned up (Hermione allowed him to help with the washing up just to make him happy) they retired to the living room and collapsed onto the lumpy sofa, tired and content.

He opened his arms and she cuddled into his side, listening to the sound of his breathing as his chest rose and fell. She felt his fingers absentmindedly stroking her hair and felt as though she could almost drift into the most blissful sleep.

'Merry Christmas,' she whispered.

'Merry Christmas,' he murmured in reply.

Remus

Remus felt a resounding contentment, enjoying the feel of her hair, the sound of her heartbeat, her enchanting smell. Moony was however continuing to be exhausting. The reaction was so intensely strong that Remus could hardly distinguish what it was any more, and it took all his mental effort just to stay calm and in control. But he was so, so tired. And Moony was just waking up.

'How are you feeling about tonight?' she mumbled sleepily into his chest, breaking the silence.

He sighed, 'It'll be shit, but I'll get through it.'

He felt her head move and opened his eyes. She craned her neck to look up at him.

'I'm sorry this is a shitty way to end Christmas.'

He attempted a smile, but managed more of a grimace.

'Actually, I think this has been the best Christmas in 15 years, so thank you.'

She smiled back. She was so beautiful, and so close, and so warm. And suddenly, before Remus knew how, his lips were on hers. Moony let out an ear splitting howl and Remus' brain felt like it was short circuiting. Her lips were impossibly soft and eager, her smell so intoxicating, it was driving him crazy. He reached a hand behind her head and wrapped the other around her waist to pull her impossibly closer…

Moony

His mouth battles for dominance. His claws dig into her side. She gasps and pulls away. This makes him angry. He growls a warning. Fear flashes in her eyes. Good. She is right to be afraid of him. His sees her exposed neck. He pounces.

Hermione

'Ouch!' she cried out in pain and jerked away from him. Her hand flew to her neck and came away red with blood.

Moony

He tastes her blood on his tongue. It tastes delicious. He howls in pleasure. He needs more.

Hermione

Everything happened all at once. Hermione scuttled backwards and half fell off the sofa in her haste to put some distance between them. Remus lunged after her, grabbing her arm painfully and pinning her against the floor under his weight. Except it wasn't Remus. His eyes burned yellow with a terrifying hunger. She screamed and tried to fight her way free, but was no match for his strength. Suddenly an orange blur flew at him, hissing and clawing at his face. Hermione wasted no time wriggling free and bolting from the room. She ran down the hall to her room, shut the door behind her. She grabbed her wand and a t-shirt and slumped to the floor with her back pressed firmly against the door and her wand gripped tightly in her hand. She wadded up the t-shirt and pressed it against her throbbing neck to stem the bleeding.

Remus

Once she was out of sight Remus was able to wrestle back control from a triumphant Moony. He was livid. He stormed outside and yelled angrily at the darkening sky.

'What do you want?! Why must you hurt and destroy everything?!' Angrily he kicked a rock which did nothing but make his toe hurt, and he swore loudly. Moony continued to howl and Remus fell to his knees pulling painfully at his hair, as if he could somehow make the noise stop. He stayed that way for some time, taking deep steadying breaths until he began to calm down. Eventually the noises began to recede and Remus felt like he could think again.

Eventually he straightened up and sat hugging his knees looking at the sun setting over the sea.

Why do you want to hurt her? Moony just rumbled in response. He sighed. This had all been one big mistake, he realised bitterly. How could have been so naïve to start believing that someone could actually love someone like him, that he could live a normal life. Now the cold sting of reality had ripped away that fantasy. He was better off alone.

He was startled from his dark thoughts by something nudging his elbow and his head snapped up, alert, not having heard anyone approaching. It was Crookshanks.

'Gerroff,' he grumbled gruffly and shrugged away from the cat. Undeterred, Crookshanks nudged him again and meowed, demanding attention. Remus sighed and relented, petting him gently which made him purr and nuzzle against his hand. Remus immediately felt a little better.

'You're a good cat,' he said. 'Thank you for protecting her.'

Remus wasn't sure if he was imagining it, but Crookshanks almost seemed to meow in response.

'Can you… understand me?' he asked hesitantly. Crookshanks yawned and then continued winding around his hand showing no indication that he understood. Remus shook his head, 'Of course not, what a stupid thing to say.'

Then the cat stretched and sauntered back towards the cottage gate, then stopped and looked pointedly back at him.

'What?' asked Remus.

Crookshanks meowed.

'What do you want?'

Crookshanks looked towards the house and then looked back at him.

'You want me to follow you? I'm not sure she wants to see me right now…'

The cat did it again.

'You're definitely not a normal cat are you?'

Crookshanks stared. Remus sighed and stood up.

'Fine,' he muttered to himself, and began trudged back to the house, following the swishing orange tail in front of him. 'You're a bloody stubborn cat, just like your owner.'

He made his way to the hallway and hovered for a moment outside her bedroom door, deliberating what to do, what to say. He wanted to run away and never come back. Crookshanks hissed at him impatiently.

'Hermione?' he called, hesitantly.

'Yes?' came a small voice from the other side of the door.

'Are you… okay? …Sorry, that's a stupid question. What I mean is… I'm sorry… I want you to know that wasn't me… I couldn't stop it, I just…' but the excuses died on his tongue. It was him. This was who he was, and this is what being around him meant. People get hurt. He tried again.

'I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry everything is so fucked up and complicated. You don't deserve this. Being around you… it drives Moony, no, it drives me crazy. And I just don't think that this… what we're doing… it's not a good idea. So… I'm sorry I brought you here. I'm sorry I hurt you.'

He was met with silence, but he could hear her heartbeat the other side of the door. He glanced out the window. Almost sundown. He was about to go to the shed when he heard her reply.

'Why does Moony want to hurt me so much?'

Remus sighed. 'I don't know... I wish I did.'

He heard a shuffling inside and a click as the door unlocked.

'No, no, don't come out… I don't want to...'

The door swung open and she stood looking at him, clutching her wand.

'It's okay, I'm armed now,' she managed a half smile, attempting to lighten the mood, but Remus' heart was too heavy with anguish. He took in the dried blood on her neck, her puffy eyes from crying.

'I'm so sorry,' he looked down at his shoes, unable to look at her.

'It's alright, you didn't mean to. This whole situation… it's not your fault. None of this is your fault. And I'm so sorry, for everything you've been through.'

He felt tears prickling in his eyes. And then he felt her hand on his cheek which made him flinch, anticipating Moony's reaction.

'Hermione don't…' but she didn't pull away, and to his surprise Moony scarcely reacted.

'It's not your fault,' she said again soothingly.

A tear spilled over the edge and she wiped it away with her thumb before hugging him tightly. He hugged her back and for the first time Moony was quiet. There was none of the usual burning agitation. He just felt fiercely protective of the girl in his arms. They straightened up and he looked again at the wound on her neck.

'Here, let me,' he took his wand from his pocket and carefully sealed the wound, forming two symmetrical crescents. His sense of guilt threatened to suffocate him.

'Hermione, I don't think we should do this anymore. It's too dangerous…'

She shook her head and placed a finger gently to his lips.

'Let's not have this conversation now. The sun is nearly down, come on.'

She took his hand and led him outside to the barn. He followed, still feeling a little dazed. She squeezed his hand one last time and then closed the door behind him, sealing him inside. He quickly undressed and chained himself up. And then the pain began.

Hermione

She padlocked the heavy barn door and then retreated to the cottage, locking the front door and then finally her bedroom door for good measure. Then she sat and stared out the window at the dark sky as the moon came into view. That's when she heard his cries of pain. The sound cut like a dagger through her heart, and there was only so long she could bear it before she had to pull a pillow over her head to drown it out.

Remus was sitting up in bed reading, as was the norm. He had drawn his curtains as a clear indication of wanting to be left alone. He could hear James and Peter sitting on the dorm floor quietly playing cards, but they thankfully hadn't disturbed him when they had arrived. He didn't know how much they knew about the situation between him and Sirius, but he suspected James knew a lot more than he was letting on. Peter was probably oblivious, despite almost walking in on them several times.

Sirius hadn't been seen since their argument some 24 hours prior, which was also the norm. Sirius had a penchant for melodrama and so the boys had stopped being too concerned when he disappeared for a few days.

Remus heard familiar footsteps approaching the door, and then it opened, accompanied with that familiar smell.

'Hey,' he heard Sirius address the room. 'Is Remus here?'

'I think he's asleep,' came Peter's hushed reply.

He then heard the sound of James and Peter standing and shuffling towards the door, along with Peter's confused protests,

'Hey! Where are we goi… James, let go of me!'

The door closed behind them and the room fell quiet.

'Moons? You awake?'

Remus considered staying quiet for a moment, but then sighed.

'Yeah…' he said reluctantly.

The curtain opened and Sirius poked his head inside.

'Found you,' he said with a sad smile.

He looked upset and handsome and Remus could feel his resolve weakening. Part of him just wanted to give him a big hug and make everything okay. But he held firm.

'What do you want?' he said stiffly.

'I wanted to apologise… I was stupid. I want to make it up to you…' he was hovering, suddenly seeming unsure of how to interact where touching had been so effortless before.

'I'm not sure you can,' said Remus matter-of-factly.

'What about forgiveness? What do I need to do? I can beg? Is that what you want Remus John Lupin?' He dropped to his knees. 'Look, I'm on my knees. Please, please, oh great hairy one, allow me another chance, I beg of thee.'

Remus couldn't help but roll his eyes affectionately. It was very hard to be angry when Sirius was being an adorable goofball. He sighed and patted the bed beside him.

'C'mere you mangy mutt.'

Sirius obliged and leapt onto the bed, cuddling into Remus' side and laying his head on his shoulder as he had so many times before.

'I missed you Moon Pie.'

Remus' said nothing, but ran his hand gently through Sirius' hair. In moments like this Remus got a glimpse of the life he wanted, which made the words he needed to say stick in his throat. But deep down he knew it was the right decision.

'I… can't keep sleeping with you any more,' he said.

Sirius shifted to look at him.

'But… why not?'

'We don't want the same things. And the… incident… has broken my trust, Sirius.'

Sirius frowned, 'But you did seem to like it…'

Remus stiffened and his eyes narrowed as he felt a flicker of anger.

'I know, I know,' added Sirius hastily, 'I'm not saying what I did was right. And I really am sorry. I just think that maybe you could be into more exciting sex if you just gave it the chance.'

Remus shook his head.

'No, Sirius. My life is already crazy enough. One day per month is enough excitement for me. I want plain and simple and boring, and I want to be myself.'

'I can do boring.'

'No, Sirius, you can't. And I don't want you to have to do so for my sake.'

Sirius made to protest but Remus cut him off.

'Face it, this was never going to work out. You have an impossibly high libido, and I just don't. I wanted you to be my boyfriend and get married and be together forever, and that's just not your style.'

'Oh.'

Remus looked down, his cheeks flushing at the admission.

'Yeah… not exactly what you want, right?'

No reply came, which confirmed Remus' decision.

'And that's okay,' he looked back up at Sirius and smiled reassuringly. 'I'm still glad you were my first. You were good to me, you introduced me to a world of pleasure I didn't think I would ever know. We had some great times. And… somehow I still want to be friends with you despite you being an insufferable git sometimes.'

Sirius punched his arm affectionately. Remus continued, finally voicing all his thoughts and concerns which had been swirling around his mind for two weeks.

'I just don't want to be with you romantically… sexually… anything. Merlin, you're so fucking hot, I swear you drive me crazy. But this addiction, it's like junk food. It's just not good for me in the long term, I'm sorry.'

'Goddamit Rem. Why are you so bloody sensible all the fucking time? Even when you're breaking up with someone you are completely adorable, and still manage to end up being the one apologising.'

It was only then that Remus realised that Sirius was crying, which took him by surprise. Maybe he did care after all? Sirius smudged his tears with the back of his hand.

'I'm sorry I can't change your mind. You really are one sexy werewolf that I will miss fucking,' and just like that, carefree Sirius was back, grinning mischievously.

'Thank you,' said Remus coolly.

'You're welcome. And… thanks for still wanting to be my friend despite what I did… That's very cool of you.'

Remus shrugged, 'People make mistakes.'

Sirius cuddled back into his side and Remus obliged him. He felt much better having gotten everything off his chest.

'Moons?'

'Yeah?'

'Can I offer you some thoughts?'

'You may.'

'You might not like them, mind.'

Sirius hesitated for a second and Remus waited, suddenly nervous about what he was going to say.

'I think you need to make your peace with Moony and stop hating that part of yourself. I think its okay to listen to what he thinks and what he wants and quit being ashamed, because I think he is part of you and you shape each other…'

'He is NOT part of me,' said Remus haughtily.

Sirius sat up and sat cross legged looking him dead in the eye.

'Remus, look at me, please. I'm saying this because I care about you. It's okay to have desires, even if they take you by surprise. There is nothing wrong with having those thoughts and feelings. Moony is like me, we have very basic desires but we own them. We don't overanalyse every thought, we aren't ashamed. It's Remus Lupin who feels guilty and ashamed.'

Remus shook his head, 'I'm not a monster.'

'No, of course you're not love. And neither am I. But you have urges, I know you do. And that doesn't make you a bad person. Yes, perhaps the moon makes you feel things more strongly, but that's okay. I'm not just saying this to get you back, I know that won't happen. But at least, for your own sake, you owe it to yourself to make peace with Moony and mend your relationship with yourself, otherwise you'll never be able to have a relationship with anyone else without torturing yourself over and over again.'

'Get out,' Remus snapped, but Sirius didn't move.

'Maybe if you stop being ashamed you could see yourself the way we see you, and maybe you could actually work out what it is you really want.'

'Leave me ALONE,' he yelled.

Sirius stood and made his way to the door, but he continued as he went.

'You're a great person, Remus, and you deserve to be happy. But only if you are brave enough to let yourself be.'

He ducked out the room and was gone before the flying shoe could smack him in the face.