This chapter is rated T for... Dark themes and people with wonderfully messed up minds? I guess. ZADR!
And thank you all for the reviews! To respond to those that should have responses;
I do not yet have a DA. At this rate I may not get one for years for multiple stupid reasons. :/ I plan to get one at some point though, and I'll say on my profile when I set it up. ^^
Also, I'm rather aware that I need to work on how I write out physical action. It's not as good as I feel it should be, and I'll try and work out my style in that area. Tips on describing physical action would be appreciated.
To everyone else, thanks for the love! :D *hugs*
Well, right now I can't really say anything about if/when I'll get back to posting regularly. I can PROMISE you I won't leave anything forever unfinished unless I like, die, so, yup. I've got some inspiration back. Sometimes the best way to kick writer's block is to just start writting.
Enjoy, and review please! Constructive criticism appreciated, or just tell me what you think.
~•~
It was five more days before Zim and Dib were face to face again. The Irken didn't leave his house, and Dib figured it would be better to give Zim space- though that was very, VERY hard.
During that time Dib took up a plethora of nervous habits as if going through withdrawal from a drug. Gaz complained once or twice about him babbling loud, paranoid nonsense in his sleep and waking her up. That however, was only when Dib could actually get some sleep. Mostly he just lay in bed, on his front, staring at his laptop, doing his usual 'observation' of a certain alien. Not very polite, but at least he wasn't pulling his hair out and twitching and hallucinating.
Zim was staying in the deeper parts of his base a lot lately, unfortunately for Dib. The boy didn't have any cameras there yet.
Dib swore the alien was watching him somehow and knew. He was being mocked, wasn't he? WASN'T HE!
He was forced to realize ever more, that Zim had become just about everything that mattered to him. Without that 'drug' to focus on, to 'take in, and consume', the boy's mentality started falling apart at the seams like a ragged plush toy thrown to the dogs.
And Dib probably needed Zim a lot more then Zim needed him. Dib was at the mercy of the alien conqueror. It was scary for the boy. He was starting to get nightmares. He would be bold though. Zim gave him a chance. Zim was actually considering it.
He didn't want to wind up abused though. How far would Zim be able to go before Dib would put his foot down, if there was a chance that allowing it might get Zim to love him?
"I gotta keep it together. Be fearless. This is me without fear."
The boy mumbled softly to himself as he stared unblinking at his monitor. Zim was not within sight of any of his cameras, but sooner or later, Dib knew his patience would be worth it- he'd get a glimpse, however small, a moment of satisfaction for his twisted, ruined mind.
Desire.
The boy swallowed, finding his mouth dry, and laid down more, resting his chin on his arms.
"What is WRONG with me..."
He didn't know, but he knew the kids at school were right; he was a freak.
'what made me like this...?' Brokenly, shakily, the boy sighed.
Green flicked across one of the small camera feed screens, only for a second, and Dib leapt up, into a tense sitting position, aware of his heart speeding up and a tight squeezed sensation in his chest. He was wretchedly disappointed to find it was only some flashing warning light that turned on in the invader's computer room. It went back off in a few seconds.
Dib groaned and laid back down.
Why did he need Zim so very badly? Why did he hang on a thread, baited by Zim's every breath, stiff with adrenaline and ready to leap, feeling oh-so-alive as long as he could see his alien? It would be far too easy for the alien to simply use and abuse Dib and then leave him. Dib wouldn't be able to fight well. He wanted so badly to believe that Zim could... like him... Maybe if he just worked hard enough.
Was this going to be his end?
'Ignore the fear. Dont show fear. Be brave. th-this... This, is me, without fear.'
No matter how he reasoned with himself, or what he chanted, his worries would not be assuaged. It REALLY didn't help that the last time he'd used that sentence, 'this is me without fear' had been before the Irken had silently pursued him all over the school before pinning him to a cold metal floor in what Dib had guessed was the heater room. The boy still remembered much too clearly how it had felt to be stalked and caught, have his lungs ripped out, and to look up through the pain into the eyes of a merciless, violent, intentfull monster.
The idea of maybe, possibly, having someone who cared about him, was so sweet, so heavenly, Dib longed for it desperately. But he knew it would be much more likely that Zim would just torture him.
He knew Zim wasn't truly capable of love. Irkens couldn't be. He knew them well. Zim showed possible signs, Dib wanted to believe it... But he really, truly, scientifically, was sure they were incapable of real love.
Dib continued to stare at his screen.
~•~
On the fourth day after Dib's trip to the irken's base and Zim's disappearance, the human had actually gone all the way back to the unnatural looking house, up to Zim's door, but no one answered to his knocking, doorbell-ringing, and shouting. After sitting on the front step for a full, loyal hour, Dib finally began to feel stupid and had gone back home.
Where was Zim?
What was going on?
Dib hadn't glimpsed him in days. He was sure it was making him sick. Zim knew didn't he? He was doing this on purpose wasn't he? Dammit! Where was that monster? Did he really think he could just leave like this? No! NO! Dib wouldn't let him... But what... What was going on?
Where was Zim?
And what power did Dib actually have to force him to come back?
He was so vulnerable and needy and desperate.
Where was Zim?
Zim
Zim
Zim...
~•~
The fifth day, the human practically gave a loud squeak of sheer excitement when the -beautiful- creature at last returned into the hellish classroom.
Zim half walked, half stomped in, looking heatedly irritated, and ruffled. His expression said he didn't know why, in the name of the tallest, he had chosen to come where he was now- he had better things to be doing.
The invader snorted angrily and glared when Ms Bitters briefly addressed him, telling him he was late, and would receive homework due to his absence.
The invader thumped himself down into his desk and started staring irritated and blankly at the floor.
Across the room, Dib was sitting strait and vigilant, his vibrant gold eyes greedily watching Zim's every move, drinking him up yet again.
'There he is. There he is! Zim... Zim's back..."
Openly the boy stared. He began to wonder if passing notes to the Irken would be okay. He needed to speak with Zim. He wanted to say something.
The alien conqueror was slouched in his seat, glaring and frowning and not doing one thing.
Then, for a moment, Zim actually did look up, across the room, at the skinny black-haired boy, as if to check that the one he wanted to see was even there. His expression spoke very clearly. Dib's eyes widened.
'Man alive, I've never seen him so tired and disconnected.'
Dib found no trouble in maintaining eye contact, face attempting to show concern, but mostly just stareing.
His desperation and longing was obvious.
Zim watched the earthling for a minute, then turned away. He lay his chin on his arms, resting himself on his desk, and seemed to almost fall asleep. Never before had he been so... Not-paranoid. Dib was vested but still facinated.
'He looks so tired. I've never seen him so tired.' Dib didn't take his eyes off the alien for the rest of the class.
'I wonder if you know how much I missed you...'
The jolting alarm that signaled lunch time, had the majority of the class bolting for the door, screaming like happy animals.
Dib stayed to watch how Zim sighed, then how the green being dragged himself up and out of his desk, and then stood there, lifelessly.
The alien turned and looked at Dib again. And the boy blinked in recognition, attentive.
For a moment Zim thought of saying something. He watched the earthling as if trying to look through Dib and into the boy's mind. Then he frowned, and simply turned away, heading for the cafeteria. Dib quickly followed, pestered by a concerned curiosity for what the heck was going on.
The human boy walked down the hall, behind and beside an alien who was dragging his feet, looking confused and less-then-aware of his surroundings. Dib was well within the five foot personal space bubble the invader usually enforced with vigilance.
"Zim?"
Pained, defensive, narrowed, fake eyes looked back for a second.
"Go away. You stink." The words were mumbled, lacking luster, emphasis, and drama. Zim's zim-ness seemed to have run off screaming and flailing without its host.
Dib grew more concerned with each loud step down the hallway. For a moment he looked around, eyes searching, quickly reassuring himself that, as he'd hoped, everyone had gone on ahead to get in line for food, and had left the two freaks long behind. Dib and Zim were alone. The hall was empty and quiet except for them.
Dib made up his mind and hurried right over to Zim, raising an arm, reaching out towards him. His fingertips had barely brushed one of Zim's hard, pink shoulder gaurds, when the Irken whirled around and suddenly shot his own arm out, striking Dib in the chest, hard. It was a mean, adrenaline backed punch and it nearly knocked Dib's breath out. The human stumbled backwards from the impact with a shout.
"Aug!...Geez Zim..."
When he managed to look back at the Irken from his doubled over position, Dib paused, face falling blank. He saw an expression of fearful startlement that he'd never seen on Zim before. Contact covered eyes were wide and his mouth was a strait line, his body was stiff enough that the human fancied he could see the signs of the extra-terrestrial's breathing and pulse. Zim's hands were in shaky fists. His posture was defensive. He looked like a frightened animal.
He suddenly looked very small, and almost vulnerable, in the large, dirty, cracked and aggressive hallway.
Quickly Zim's eyes darted side to side, away from Dib, and he tried to recompose himself and calm down, shifting from foot to foot before swiftly turning away.
"Do NOT touch me. Ever."
Dib frowned in confusion as Zim stomped around the corner into the cafe. The young earthling knew it would be hard for his former enemy to trust him- he himself was far from trusting Zim, even if he was obsessed with him, however, all he'd done was reach out. Did the Irken really spook so easily? No, he'd never reacted that way before... Dib had never tried to touch him before though, except to hurt him in some way.
Why HAD he gone to touch Zim anyway? Now that Dib thought about it, he hadn't the slightest idea.
The boy started walking again, trying to catch up to Zim. He remembered something the Irken had said, 'The only touch I've ever experienced was painful'. Was that some cultural Irken thing? They didn't have families, friends, probably not even mates. ... Did Zim have a *fear* of touch? Dib bit his lip, eyes widening slightly as he mused, paying little attention to the tray of school-provided-'food' he grabbed up off the counter, as he went to take a seat, maneuvering through the seemingly mindless crowd of bodies.
Zim was at a lone table across the room, emotionlessly poking at his food. For the rest of the day, the invader continued to be depressed and rather out-of-sorts, and refused to look at his rival. Dib felt like he was being punished, and wondered regretfully what he'd done wrong.
Somehow, Dib made it through the day and night without talking to Zim any more then the incident in the hallway.
~~•~~
'The earthling must want what he asked for very badly... He's actually leaving me alone more or less. He hasn't even brought up his... Or... The... Letter. And Zim's answer.'
Zim scowled across his living room, at the black, inactive TV screen.
'Normally Gir would be watching the angry monkey show right now...'
He sat on his brightly colored couch, with his legs pulled up to his chest, hugging a large pillow to himself. For the first night in a long time, he had not been running all around his base every second, carrying out order after order, making weapons, fixing equipment, teleporting things back and forth, getting things from his race to work on, giving them what they'd demanded.
Work, work, work.
He had not been contacted at all for two days strait. The commands had stopped suddenly. While Zim was afraid of what that might mean, he was also relieved. For the first night in a long while, he hadn't cried.
No bullying, no insults, no threats. No other Irkens portaled themselves into his base to steal from him, and to hurt him however they liked for their amusement, simply because they were taller then him and snapping under the stress of the falling empire.
Zim had gotten to go back to school that day. He got to see Dib again...
It had felt like ... Too long.. Since he'd seen that boy.
But when he did see him, he didn't understand what he felt, and he just became angry. He wished that hadn't happened. He wished he'd paid more attention to Dib, maybe talked to him.
He probably would have, if the boy hadn't made that one simple mistake of trying to touch the invader.
Zim shuddered, feeling sick and light headed, small and afraid, angry, violated, frustrated, violent, begrudging, furious, wanting to rip the boy into shreds. He didn't understand why. He didn't understand feelings. They were too complex. What he didn't understand frightened him, what frightened him made him angry and defensive.
Not to mention he was an Irken.
His species evolution was that of a predator, a carnivore. He had an inborn desire for the thrill of hunting, of using his claws and fangs for their original purpose. There was something about the thought of Dib squirming, crying out, covered in blood, that made him feel giddy. He wasn't sure if that was good.
He didn't think he REALLY wanted to slice the human into pieces.
What was it that he felt around Dib? It changed his disposition immediately. He didn't like it.
Zim sighed as he stared across the room again.
After school he'd gone to the store and bought a delicate looking, beautiful, purple vase with a winding red design. It sat on a table near the door, with Dib's flowers inside, growing happily, with plenty of water for nourishment. Zim didn't understand the bittersweet sensation he got from merely looking at it, but it made him smile, even though his eyes teared up. What was he feeling?
Stupid, weak emotions...
But perhaps he should talk to Dib soon...
~•~
Many buildings away, a boy watched the Irken from a screen, a hidden camera looking down at the small, tired green form from a corner in the ceiling.
'He's all curled up. He looks sad. He's hugging a pillow.' Dib took in every detail and cocked his head, smiling a little.
'he looks really cute.'
Without thinking he reached out, fingers brushing the screen. He bit his lower lip in frustration.
He wanted to touch Zim. What did... What did that pretty green skin feel like? Something about it made it look soft and smooth. Would the irken's body be warm like a human's? Dib imagined so, but, maybe just a little cooler, Zim seemed to overheat easily, and was obviously used to more frigid temperatures.
Zim was sitting there, hugging his pillow.
Dib wanted to be there. The Irken wanted comfort, he just didn't want to admit it. He felt pressured to comfort the Irken.
He wondered what it would be like to hold the lithe, thin form close against his own. His heartbeat quickened and he swallowed.
After several minutes the invader stood, put the pillow back against the arm of the couch, and walked out of the camera's view.
Dib frowned in disappointment and near-agony.
Oh well. He'd bought more cameras recently. He'd have to sneak in and install them. Zim wouldn't like that one bit though... So...
He'd just have to be very careful. Maybe the next time Zim left his house...
Maybe he'd search around and figure out what was going on.