hurray for using old fic for writing practice. god i hope this is somewhat better than it was. (goodness knows why i'm so set on finishing this fic)

Warnings: panic attacks and lots of sad

Disclaimer: not my characters obvi

Repeating the Past
Better to Forget

The first sensation upon gaining consciousness was taste; his tongue moved and he could taste the sourness of his mouth. Next came facial movement, or rather lack thereof; his eyelids and lips felt glued shut. Simple functions such as blinking or opening one's mouth he always figured were involuntary, but now he lamented the effort necessary to accomplish them.

Weary violet eyes eventually gazed into the darkness surrounding them, and Yuki detested the feeling of the crust of rheum in the corners of them. He tried to lift his arms to wipe it away, and found that his arms did not move. They felt so heavy; was this another trick of his body? No, the entirety of sensation was slowly coming back to him, and he realized that he was not alone, that another body lied next to his, one of its arms draped loosely over his back.

Yuki released a stuttering breath, his actions the previous evening beginning to creep into his memory. His exhausted body and overtired mind made everything difficult to digest, but perhaps the subtlety of it made the fear that much more pervasive. What had he been thinking? How could it possibly have been okay for him to divulge such horrid secrets?

Carefully, Yuki moved Manabe's arm off of him, making to stand when some of last night's release covering his pelvis, now dry, began to crack and chafe. He shuddered at the disgusting feeling, shuddered at the thought of what he had done to his friend. He felt sick, shameless, revolting. Images of Manabe's red, wet, frightened eyes assaulted his mind, the helpless sounds of whimpering as Yuki ground against him replaying in his ears over and over again as Manabe's chest quivered beneath him in discomfort.

The vision was too much. Yuki raced to the bathroom and heaved into the toilet, his body dispelling the poison he had unwittingly consumed, unaware that Akito had handed him the chalice.

The room was still dark, the sun slow to rise, the sky the bleak colour of early morning. Kureno lit a lamp at Akito's bedside, turning quickly to the closet where he would pick out Akito's kimono for the day. "Oh, Kureno," Akito purred sleepily, blinking slowly and stretching with leisure. Kureno laid the brown kimono at the foot of the bed, and Akito glared at it. "Why such a dull colour?"

Kureno turned to his God then and knelt beside him, touching his face carefully and brushing his thumb beneath his eye. "Akito-sama, there are bags under your eyes. Did you not sleep well? You should tell me if I need to tell Hatori-san to prepare some medicine for you."

Color rose to Akito's face and he pushed Kureno's hand away. "I do not require medicine. I was simply having difficulties sleeping." The bird nodded complacently and stood, taking the brown kimono back to the closet and sifting through the others in search of a more suitable one.

"If you don't mind my asking," he ventured, knowing full well that Akito expected him to ask, "what is it that kept you from getting your rest, Akito-sama?"

A dark smile appeared on the head of the family. "If you must know, I've been thinking a lot about Yuki. He certainly hurt my feelings by not accompanying Shigure last night. He's been growing too accustomed to the outside world, too attached to that whore Honda, and now apparently he has another friend. Probably some poor excuse for a boy. What did Shigure call him? Manabe?" He paused, his eyebrows knitting together, a scowl plastering itself on his face at the thought of Yuki having anyone besides himself, especially knowing the lustful state the rat must have been in while with that imbecile. It disgusted him. "Perhaps it would be a sound idea to bring him back here for a while, keep him in his room. I ought to teach him a lesson."

Kureno paused while setting out a light azure kimono, and looked at Akito seriously, his voice quiet when he asked, "Would it please you for me to apprehend him, Akito-sama?"

He always hated returning to the Sohma Estate. The only thing left for him there were visions of a past he wished he could forget, but never was able to. Every day the hell of his childhood tormented him. With the arrival of Tohru in his life, he thought that things were improving—the dull ache of hatred for the Sohma Estate and Akito and himself lessened day by day with her there, a constant reminder of what a true mother should be, and what Tohru again and again proved she was capable of being.

Last night's actions, however, ripped apart all the stitching Tohru's love had done on his weary heart, and now, sneaking through the Estate, he was haunted by the very ghosts he'd tried so hard to bury, there only to bury them yet again.

Hatori was, as expected, in his office doing paperwork, and Yuki closed the door quietly behind him when Hatori finally looked up. "Yuki? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be on your way to class?"

He flinched like Hatori was ready to strike him, and noticing immediately, Hatori put down his paperwork, watching Yuki from over his glasses. "Yuki…? What's wrong?"

Yuki leaned against the door, one hand covering his mouth, trying to recover some shred of calm but only managing to tremble more and bite back tears that stung at his eyes. Realizing that Yuki was having a panic attack, Hatori rose from his chair and walked over, kneeling before the rat. "It's okay, Yuki. Take your time. You're safe here."

"I'm not," Yuki replied, his voice tearful and high with hysteria. His knees gave out and he crumpled to the floor. When Hatori tried to catch him he only reached out to shove him away, quietly repeating, "I'm not," over and over again, voice catching as he lost his breath.

Careful not to touch him, Hatori said, "Yuki, it is okay. No one is going to come in. My office is safe. No one is going to hurt you here. Now come on, breathe with me." He took a deliberately large breath in, fearful that Yuki was sending himself into another attack, just like the ones he had when he was younger. Yuki tried to copy him but started coughing.

"I c-can't," he cried, tears finally streaking down his face.

"Yuki, look at me," Hatori said softly but sternly. Yuki did as he was told. "Focus. You can breathe. Just focus."

He again made the gesture of the deliberate breath in, and Yuki held his breath a while before copying Hatori's motion. Nodding approvingly, Hatori then breathed out, long and slow, and was relieved when Yuki was able to do the same. They repeated those motions several times until Yuki was able to breathe evenly on his own.

"I'm sorry," he finally said, so quiet even in the empty room that Hatori strained to hear him.

"Don't apologize, Yuki. Just tell me what happened. I can help you."

Their eyes met, Yuki's red and puffy and unable to hold Hatori's gaze for long. "I…I messed up. I messed up again." He went silent, but Hatori asked no more prodding questions, so after several minutes he continued, voice hollow and face pale, "I told my classmate about the curse."

Still Hatori did not respond, only kneeled there next to him. Thinking Hatori expected more from him, Yuki finally said, "I came here to tell you so that you could erase his memory."

Another long stretch of silence ensued, and Yuki said no more because he knew no more that he could in good conscious admit; he had committed an atrocious act and now he was paying the price. Manabe would lose all memory of the time they'd spent together, and he—well, he would have to leave the school. He couldn't return there and look into the face of the boy he'd used.

"Are you sure that's what you want?" Hatori asked quietly, stealing Yuki from his thoughts, but still not his gaze.

"I understand now. No one should know about me. They will be disgusted." He clutched hard at his pants. "It's for the best."

"What about Honda-san?"

At long last Yuki's eyes rose and met his cousin's. "Honda-san is different." Hatori still looked at him, but this time Yuki did not look away. "You know that she's different, Hatori."

Finally Hatori sighed in resignation and nodded his agreement. "Alright, Yuki. If it's what you truly want, we can take care of it immediately."

They both rose to leave, Hatori offering to give him a ride to school. As they drove through the busy streets, the faces of his friends—no, of his classmates—from primary school could not even pass through his mind, because by now they had blurred. But he remembered them still, that they had been in his life, even though they would never remember him. Perhaps Manabe too would be a blur to him someday.

Despite the shades being closed, it was bright enough outside that Yuki's room was covered in morning light, and Manabe blinked awake to it, line of sight drinking in the carpet next to him, the pattern of light and shadow stripes from the blinds. Yuki was nowhere to be seen.

His head was fuzzy, but he remembered every single moment from the night before; every word, every breath, every touch all seared into his memory in a painful fog. He had braved the steep incline of the mountain of Yuki's darkest secrets, only to find out that the peak was enshrouded in a poisonous mist and he was choking to death.

Cold and aching and wishing desperately that he could spend an eternity in the shower (not that he was especially dirty—he had experienced no orgasm, after all, only a feeling of discomfort, like he was no more than a used paper towel), but knowing that he was already late for classes and knowing of no other place he could find Yuki to ask him what happened, he rose and left the room, surprised to find the house completely deserted.

His sensei berated him for his lateness when he finally walked into the classroom, but he barely registered the admonition, too distracted by the fact that Yuki didn't appear to be here either. In fact, he didn't even have to ask around to find out if anyone had seen him, because Yuki's fanclub was doing a good enough job of whispering loudly to themselves about how this was the first day of school he's missed in ages. None of them seemed to pay any notice to Manabe's lateness, and more fortunately did not think to correlate it to Yuki's absence.

Soon enough, Manabe had to excuse himself, head too preoccupied with what had happened last night and where Yuki was to really pay attention. He planned to try to find Tohru or any of Yuki's cousins; anyone who may possibly know his whereabouts, but his search was cut short when he glanced out the windows in the hallway and saw Yuki and another man waiting in the courtyard outside. Without a second thought, Manabe raced through the hallways, not stopping for breath until he was standing a few yards away from the rat, breathing heavily in the still air, body burning under the hot sun. But Yuki wasn't looking at him, and his eyes were cold.

"Yuki?" Manabe asked quietly, glancing at the man standing behind him. "What's going on? What happened to you?"

It took a long moment for Yuki to acknowledge he had spoken, but finally he said without looking in his direction, "You've found out something that you were not supposed to know. I've done what I'm supposed to do when this happens." He gestured toward the man behind him. "This is Hatori Sohma. He's the family doctor, and is gifted with the ability to suppress memories."

Only then did Yuki meet Manabe's frightened gaze. "Suppress memories…?" Yuki looked away again, and Manabe stepped closer. "What do you mean? Is he going to take away my memory of last night?" He looked at Hatori, the man's expression steeled as if he had done this multiple times before. "What if I don't want you to!?"

"I'm sorry, Manabe, but you don't have a choice in the matter. I should never have told you what I did."

"I thought…I thought you told me those things because you trusted me," Manabe said, trying to keep his voice from breaking and failing miserably. "And anyway, what's with you acting so cold towards me? Do you think it's okay for you to take advantage of me and then blame me? I sure as hell don't think it's fair to suffer these kinds of consequences when…when I was too scared to make you stop." Yuki began to turn away, and Manabe cut out, "You're being just like him!"

Yuki froze for several moments, his back partly turned to Manabe, but soon enough he nodded to Hatori and then continued walking toward the street.

Hatori walked toward Manabe, and Manabe wished he could be experiencing fight or flight instead of freeze. "Y-You can't do this, I don't want to forget!"

"I apologize, Manabe-san," Hatori said, and Manabe was frightened even more by the sadness of the man's steps, the sadness that seemed so deeply ingrained into his eyes. It moved Manabe, the same way that the sadness of Yuki's eyes sometimes did. It was too rooted, too inherent, it felt too much like forever. He had to pull his gaze away, shaking with the need to run, when he noticed out on the street, a car had pulled up. A man stepped out of it, walking up behind Yuki and placing a cloth over the rat's mouth.

"W-Wait."

Yuki almost immediately fell limp, and the man pulled Yuki into the car and drove away.

"WAIT!"

So I hit my low,
little did I know
that would not be the end
from the Holland Road
Holland Road, Mumford & Sons

oh god i already have a couple paragraphs of chapter 6 written what am i doing with my life