Chapter 6 - Decisions

The air was frigid, piercing, and unrelenting. Natsume couldn't help but shiver under the kotatsu in the living room, taking comfort in the warm heat it gave off. Even inside the house she felt cold, and it wasn't just her either. Natsume, Ayame, and Kotoko were always cold during the winter time. Maybe it was a female thing to be more susceptible to the cold.

She set her head down onto the table, basking in the comfort of the kotatsu. Natsume looked at the child sitting next to her who seemed to be having a hard time peeling a mandarin orange. She slowly dug into the orange, peeling off the skin with difficulty. Piece by piece, she dissected the orange with great intention and care. Her eyes were filled with satisfaction as she peeled the last section of skin off, a smile formed on her face.

The child looked to Natsume. "Say 'Ahhhh'," she said as she presented Natsume with a piece. Natsume smiled and parted her lips slightly as Ayame placed it in front of Natsume's mouth.

It was moments like these where Natsume could just easily forget about the world. "You're such a good girl," she said with pride. "Come here!" Natsume moved over to the child, picking her up and setting her down on her lap. She started humming unconsciously, rocking side to side as she hugged the confused child tightly in her grasp.

"Uhh…you're acting weird, Mom," said Ayame.

"Am I?"

"Right now you are," she giggled. She leaned back into her mother's soft cushions, allowing Natsume to play with her hair. As young as she was, Ayame knew that her mother would feel lonely at times, and that she needed a couple hugs and kisses or two to cheer her up. She couldn't help but think about her father, whose only memories are of stories and pictures. 'If Dad was here, then maybe Mom wouldn't feel so lonely,' she thought. She quickly dismissed that idea as she found herself busy peeling another orange.

"By the way, where's your brother?" asked Natsume as she assisted the struggling child with the fruit.

"I think he's upstairs in his room," muffled Ayame.

Natsume clasped her fingers around Ayame's cheeks, squeezing them so that she her lips were puckered. "What'd I say about speaking with your mouth full?" scolded Natsume.

"Sowwy."

"Okay," said Natsume as she stood up from the kotatsu. She stretched her arms towards the ceiling, groaning as she reached. "Are you hungry, Ayame?" she asked.

"Mmm, not right now," she answered.

"Alright then," said Natsume. She made her way towards the stairs and climbed them at a brisk pace. Their house was much bigger than it looked, with multiple rooms on the first floor as well as the second. Natsume flipped a switch to illuminate the hallway where there were three doors on each side of the wall with equal spacing. She walked to the door at the end of the hallway, which was her, if anything, father-in-law's study room. She seldom went into that room and if needed, she would be required to knock at all times. She had a few ideas of what might be going on behind that door…but stopped thinking before things got too weird in her imagination.

She knocked three times on the wooden frame before entering, "Excuse me Dad, I'm coming in." It was an average sized room, almost the same size as Natsume's bedroom. It was well lit with recessed LED lights with the curtains drawn over the windows. She found her dad and son sitting across from each other in the corner of the room with a checkered board and game pieces between them. "What are you guys up to?" asked Natsume as she walked over to them.

"Hello there beautiful daughter of mine," greeted Serizawa in a jokingly pompous tone. "I am educating this young one on the wonderful game of chess."

Takashi's face seemed to be totally fixated onto the chess board, staring intently at the pieces. He scratched his head as he pondered his next move, not even bothering to greet his mother. Natsume could tell that he was in deep concentration, so she waited for him as he cautiously moved his rook vertically up the board, capturing a knight. She moved behind him and rested her hands on his chair.

"You hungry?" she asked.

"I'm fine, thanks though," he said promptly.

"Okay, I'll be going now then. If you do get hungry, there's some stuff in the fridge," said Natsume as she kissed the top of Takashi's head.

"Going out with Haru tonight?" questioned Serizawa. He moved his queen diagonally, capturing Takashi's rook which made him groan and scratch his head.

She kissed Serizawa on the cheek. "That's right, meeting up with him in about an hour," she said.

"Are you gonna need a car?"

She shook her head as she walked towards the door. "I don't think so, I'll walk!"

"Natsume!"

She was already closing the door behind her. "Hm?" she poked her head back in.

"Please be careful…" he said with concern.

She smiled at him. "Don't worry, I'll be fine. I'm bringing the bracelet just in case," she winked. Serizawa nodded to which she took her leave, shutting the door behind her. There's been a lot of syndicate presence around the city as of late, some news about a new group appearing. Natsume knew and embraced the fact that the Senou family was the head of a Yakuza organization. She tried to imagine Natsuru with a gangster look; hair slicked back with a tough expression on him. It made her giggle. She thought about stopping his place afterwards, if it wasn't too late.

Natsume opened the door to her bedroom. It was clean and tidy, with a large bed in the middle, a desk in the corner, and her large walk in closet that she was so proud of. On the nightstand next to her bed was a picture of her with her new family, and next to that was a picture of her with Natsuru. She glanced at it as she walked to her closet, opening the door to a miniature hallway filled with an assortment of clothes. Unlike most women, she had already picked out an outfit in less than five minutes and was fixing her hair in front of a mirror. She'd always kept it in her ponytail, with the back fringes spreading out like a fan.

How would she present him to everyone when they all thought he was dead? Just bring him home? Talk to everyone beforehand? Maybe she was overthinking it. It's not fair for her to keep him in the dark about his own family, after she even promised that they'd meet. And what about the kids? That was her biggest concern, would he freak out over it? No use fretting over it at this moment. She looked at the clock, 'Plenty of time,' she thought.

"Cheers!" shouted the group of young adults. Natsume met up with Haru who, unbeknownst to her, was invited to a mixer at a popular restaurant. She decided to oblige him and ended up with a group of around 20 people sitting around a long rectangular table with everyone sprawled across the tatami mat floors. Knowing her tolerance with alcohol, she decided to take it easy, pounding away at the small shot glass she held with everyone earlier. But that was it, for the entire night probably. She looked around, spotting some familiar faces, but mostly new faces.

Natsume sat next to Haru in the middle area of the large table. Everyone seemed to be having a good time mingling with each other.

"Hey Haru," said a guy from across the table. "What's wrong man? You've been quiet for a while," he said with a drink in his hand. He looked next to Haru, his eyes meeting Natsume's. He laughed and smiled, "I see, I see. You've already got your date right there!"

Haru groaned. "Just shut up and drink ya' idiot!" he said. He glanced at Natsume and gave her a quick smirk before sipping at his glass of beer.

She smiled back at him and took the tiniest sip from her glass as well. Then she started to get a little self-conscious about how people saw her with Haru. It was a concerning thing for her that people think they're dating at first glance, and the fact that he didn't deny it didn't help either. Natsume didn't want to outright reject him, but she didn't want to be mean about it either. She just couldn't see him as her partner. But she can't leave things leave things the way they are right now or else things might get worse. She continued to sip at her drink.

They were alone now, in the more suburban area of the city at the park Natsume had frequented so often. The first park she'd been to. The park with those bittersweet memories of years past. The two were walking through, under the hum of the lights that hung over them, and the once green grass that surrounded them, now turned white with winter's touch.

"Sorry I didn't tell you about what we were doing," said Haru. "I kind of wanted it to be a surprise, you know, something different."

Natsume shook her head. "It's fine! I had a lot of fun and met a lot of people!"

"Well I'm glad," he said with a smile. "By the way, why did you want to come here all of a sudden?"

She stopped walking, still not having said anything in response. "I've made a lot of memories here," she said. It's been decided, Natsume had to clear things up between her and Haru. "This place helps me to calm down whenever I'm feeling troubled or sad about something."

"What exactly are you troubled about?" he asked. He slipped his hands around her waist as he approached her slowly from behind, pulling Natsume closer to him.

His touch felt foreign to her, it always has, but even more so right now. She felt his fingers rub against her waist and stomach, fidgeting in response. She quickly moved out of his grasp and turned to look at him. This was too much, it has passed the boundary between friends way too far. She looked into his eyes, his face was left perplexed, with his mouth agape as if he was about to say something.

Before Natsume could say what she wanted to say, Haru had already embraced her in his arms with his lips pressed up against hers. She made a muffled grunt out of surprise and tried to pull away from him. She could feel him having his way with his tongue until she finally broke free, jerking her head away from him. Natsume slipped out of his arms and stumbled back a few steps. "Haru, what are you doing!?" she shouted. She covered her mouth in reaction.

"I love you Natsume," he said. "I didn't know how else to express it…but I knew I had to." Haru took a couple steps toward her but was halted as he saw her hold up her hand. He was so confident that things would go the way he wanted to that he was left in shock. His face dumbfounded and his mouth agape. "I thought you felt the same way…Isn't this what you wanted!?" His hands were fists now and they were trembling from his grip. "All these years I was with you, I was there for you whenever you needed me, I believed that something could have come from it."

He looked straight into her eyes. "Did you really have no feelings for me? At all?"

Natsume could see the frustration and pain on his face. "Honestly, I thought something could have come from it too…but there was just something holding me back."

"Was it Natsuru?" he snapped.

Her eyes widened as if she had been caught with a terrible lie, her face was guilt-ridden. It was true, all of these years she couldn't just let go. Her heart sunk as she realized what she had done to Haru and she immediately began to regret it. "This is all my fault. I never should have led you on like that Haru, I'm so sorry," she said softly.

"Yeah, I'm sorry too, for setting myself up for that," he said gritting his teeth. He took a deep breath and started laughing. It was laugh of frustration, anger, sadness, hopelessness. "I guess this is it then, I'll see you when I see you," he said as he turned to walk away. "But just so you know, that man you used to love is totally different now."

Natsume stood there as she watched Haru's back slowly disappear into the night beyond the lit path of the park. And there was nothing she could do about it, it was all her fault. She couldn't ask to be friends, she couldn't call to him, not with his feelings towards her. She gritted her teeth as she bit back the tears of anger. Angry that she had lost someone dear to her because of her own doing. But they came anyway, running down the sides of her cheeks and onto the snowy wonderland that enveloped her.

She found herself in front of Natsuru's apartment complex. 'What am I doing here,' she thought. She felt disgusted at herself for having actually come, she just finished rejecting her close friend and now she's at Natsuru's apartment. If that's not the definition of a bitch then she didn't know what was. What was she hoping to do here?

"Natsume?" said a familiar voice. She turned around to see Natsuru walking towards her with a bag in his hand. "What are you doing out here?" he asked.

She stood looking at him in a trance. She played back what had happened earlier in her head, lost in her own thoughts. Then she came to a decision. If this is the choice she made then she should follow it through to the end, so that her rejection could have purpose. "Natsuru, come with me. We're going home."