"Go," Tommy said instantly, taking Hannah from Joel. "I'll get her to the clinic. Go." He gazed at Joel with a steady expression that was mirrored in his brother's face, and they held a silent conversation with their eyes.

Joel nodded, shoulders relaxing, trying to control his breathing. "Hannah, which way did she run, baby? Come on, you got to give me something."

"Just out, she just ran, Joel, I couldn't move fast enough to see. By the time I got to the door, she was gone." Hannah's voice was trembling, and worried, and Joel nodded kindly.

"Alright, alright, take it easy, this isn't your fault. Okay. Tommy's going to get you to the clinic, you stay there, alright. I will let you know when I find her. Tommy, go!"

Joel felt the panic seeping into his bones like it had when he was trying to find Ellie in Silver Lake. Too many dead ends, too many hiding places, and only one little, frightened girl. He began a frantic search of the places she normally would go, trying to keep his methodic smuggler instinct in place, drowning out the loud yelling of the dad inside him to fucking find his little girl right the fuck now. The barn, the restaurant, and every place you could think of to hide, Joel went there, flashlight in one hand, calling for Ellie. But she was nowhere to be found, and with each silent, empty corner he shone his light into, he felt just a little more afraid. "Ellie, kiddo," he muttered to himself after completing a second search of the barn. "Where would you go, where would you feel safe with the kind of emotions you are feeling now?" He couldn't imagine the terrible tidal wave of feelings flowing through Ellie right now, wherever she was, and all he wanted was to hold her tight and never let go.

This was on him, he thought to himself. I failed her.

He stepped out into the sunlight again, hands on his hips, studying the silent streets, ears tuned for any fragment of her voice, any clue to where she could be.

His mind wandered back to weeks ago, when she had panicked because Tommy was in the kitchen and not Joel, and immediately he knew where she most likely was.

His closet. She had to be there.

"Ellie?" He shoved open the front door, letting it slam shut behind him. "Ellie!" The house was quiet, as he had expected, and he ran up the stairs two at a time. Pausing at his closed bedroom door to calm his nerves and his breathing, he leaned his forehead on the door, trying to think of what to say to her. Were there even words that would be enough?

He pushed the door open, and stepped in the room, noticing first that his blanket was gone, and his closet door was closed. "Ellie?" He moved to the door slowly, imagining all kinds of emotional Ellie behind it. But he was not prepared for the disaster she was in when he opened the door.

She was wrapped in his blanket, in the furthest back corner of the closet, crying noiselessly into the blanket, her small shoulders shaking violently. "Ellie," he said softly, getting down on his creaky knees in the small space, "It'll be alright, kiddo, come here, it's okay."

She raised her head from her arms wrapped around her knees for a moment, and fixed him with a blank stare. "Joel."

"It's me," he said softly, leaning back against the opposite wall. "We can stay here all day, if you like, Ellie, but you got to talk to me. What's going on?" He decided to let her use her own words to talk about what she was going through, instead of acting like he knew anything. It would give her the chance at diplomacy and bravery that his stubborn Ellie was known for.

"Joel," she said again, swiping a hand across her face. Her voice was pleading, desperate, broken, and most of all, afraid. Her body language clearly indicated she was afraid of him. He had never heard her be afraid of him before and it was an unnerving feeling. He slowly pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and held it out.

"Here."

Silently, she took it, wiping at her face, and her nose. She held it out for him to take back, her hand shaking, but he shook his head.

"Keep it. You need it more than I do."

She smirked slightly at that, and he was pleased to see his Ellie's humor wasn't completely gone. "So, you want to tell me why my favorite girl is hiding in the corner of a closet too small to fit an old man like me? Seriously kid, feeling a bit like a pretzel at the moment. We got to find a more comfortable place to hang out, as the young people say."

Ellie looked at him, her face distant, and she whispered, "Joel, I think I'm pregnant."

Somehow, the words were even more heart wrenching coming directly from her, although Hannah's announcement had been bad enough. Joel couldn't think for a minute, couldn't breathe. All he could think was 'This was not supposed to happen.'

He was supposed to be told this information years down the road, at the right time, with the right person, and he supposed that he still would have thought of her as his baby girl and still panicked and wondered where the time went. But this panic was visceral, painful. His Ellie was pregnant, not by her own choice, but by the actions of someone brutal enough to force their desires upon her, and she never got a fucking chance to say otherwise. Hell, her entire life had been nothing but choices made for her.

He wanted to march back to Silver Lake, resurrect David, and kill him over and over.

If he ever found a magic fairy in the woods offering to give him three wishes, he knew he would make that same wish all three times.

"It's alright," he said softly. "Ellie, it changes nothing. You are still my Ellie, the strange kid with shitty puns, stupid ideas, and reckless abandon, with no sense of self preservation and kid, I wouldn't change that for the world, pregnant or no."

"But it's his," she wailed faintly, her voice raspy from the force of sobbing silently. "It's fucking his."

Joel really couldn't tell her that it was okay to that statement. Why couldn't it have been anyone but David.

"I still wish it had been you," she muttered, dropping her forehead onto her arms wearily. "Not a fucking bastard with a fantasy."

Joel sighed, both perturbed by her rationalization that choosing him over David would have somehow been better, and her lack of understanding that this didn't usually fucking happen to people in a normal society. "Ellie, I would never have done that to you, and if I had, I would be right in that same category as him. See, that's the thing. It should never have happened. I failed you, kid. I should have been paying attention back at the university and should have never got stabbed, then Hannah's dad would be alive, and all this would never have come to be. That's on me. So if you need someone to blame, someone to feel mad at, point all that at me."

"I'm not mad at you," she muttered, voice muffled. "I'm fucking mad at him, and only him."

"What can I say that will make you feel better, kid?" Joel asked softly. His own heart was doing flip flops, and he felt rare, burning tears behind his eyes. It would not do to cry now. Ellie needed him. But she looked so fucking tiny in the corner, and all he could think of was David pinning her to the floor, in that burning building, smoke filling the room enjoying the power he had gained over a tiny little girl, and the sheer desperation that had to have been in Ellie's mind. It filled him with a paternal rage, and as he thought of the potential for a tiny human to be growing inside his Ellie, he felt protective of it to. He would be the parent it would never have.

"Tell me," Ellie's voice faded, and she looked up at him. "Tell me that you love me still. That even if this kid turns out like him, you'll still love me."

"Ah, shit," Joel murmured, scooting closer to Ellie. "It wouldn't turn out like him, Ellie. Not with you and me raising it. Hey, come here, kid, come here."

"Say it," she commanded, voice thick with tears and stuffed up nose. "Say it, Joel."

Joel nodded once. "Ellie, you are my kid. Nothing's ever going to get between us. Fucking nothing. We've gone through hell together. You've earned my trust, and I've earned yours. That man has put you in a terrible position by his own actions. But that changes nothing. I only care about getting you the help and comfort you need, and being there for you every step of the way. You aren't going to do this alone kid, not by a long shot. You've got a whole family ready and willing to be whatever you need us to be. That kid is going to be the most protected, loved kid in Jackson. And so are you, Ellie. I love you, babygirl. I know them ain't easy words to say for me, being on my own so long, but I still remember how to say them. And I mean it. It's killing me to see you in this situation. You're just a fucking little girl and man the things I'd like to do to David right now. But I can't. So if I seem mad, or frustrated, it's all at him, baby. I will try to not show that in front of you, so you don't mistake that as bein' toward you, alright?"

"Kinda like when you're protective," she replied softly, her face an unreadable mix of emotions. Her face crumpled into soft sobs again. "Joel, I didn't want this."

"I know."

"What do I do now?"

He ran a hand through his hair and thought for a second. "There used to be a test for these things. I can go ask Maria if she knows about any, and if they still have them. Do you want to go do that with her?"

Ellie nodded, scooting out of the corner toward him. He swung his legs sideways to give her room to get out, then followed her out of the closet, grunting at the way his bones protested at being in the floor. "Sound every bit like a grandpa," Ellie smirked at him, offering her hand to help him stand.

He looked up at her for a moment, that word 'grandpa' washing over him like a cold breeze. He had always figured his potential to be a grandpa was over, after Sarah's' death. Now, here it was again, a title he was more than happy to take on.

"I'm gonna be the fucking most badass grandpa in Jackson," he snorted, getting to his feet.

Ellie half smiled up at him. "Kinda looking forward to that."

"What do I do with it?" Ellie flipped the plastic stick over and over in her hand.

Maria tossed plastic wrapping into the trash can and took the stick from Ellie. "Here, let me show you. They used these all the time back in pre-infection days. We send traders out west to some of the bigger cities to bring these back when we need them, but there aren't a lot of people here, and most of them choose just to wait and see. But I think with you, you need to know, right?"

Ellie nodded. "I need to know."

"Does it change anything, if this is positive or negative?" Maria asked, reaching a hand to brush back Ellie's hair, in a motherly fashion.

"I'll be fucking relieved if it's negative," Ellie replied honestly. "If it's positive," her voice trailed off. "I don't know."

"Are you afraid?"

Ellie sniffed, and sank down on the side of the tub. "Maria, I just feel so - broken. So dirty. I can't get the feeling of his hands off me. When I walk around town, and one of the guys stops me to ask where Joel is, or Tommy, I feel those hands again, and I can't breathe. I'm afraid to tell Joel, I don't want him to be so determined to protect me that he doesn't take care of himself."

"Ellie, that's what fathers do. You can't try to control how much of a father Joel is. He knows what he is doing. Your job as his accepted daughter is to love him, obey him when you know he's right, tease him, give him a hard time, do stupid shit you know you shouldn't do because you're the kid. I know you've had to grow up way too fast, but that's how it really is, in a normal family. I know you look out for him, and that's commendable. He like hell needs it. But don't forget that the way you feel about him, he feels the same about you. So give him the chance to be a dad, alright?"

Ellie nodded. "Alright. But how do I get past all the feelings, all the memories, all the nightmares?"

"Have you talked to Joel about how all that made you feel?"

"Well, I didn't think talking about how someone raped his kid was something he would want to do," Ellie muttered.

"Hang on, time out." Maria sat down on the closed toilet lid seat across from Ellie, and looked her in the eye. "Let him be the dad, Ellie. It's going to hurt to have that conversation with him. For him to know how broken you are. But once you are all there, pieces laid out on the figurative floor, he can help you put it all back together again. Let him be there for you, Ellie. You may be surprised how good he is at it."

"He had a daughter once, so I guess he knows what he's doing." Ellie replied, shrugging.

"That was before the infection, Ellie. Those were good days, easy days, when he just had to worry about if Sarah's homework got done, and if she stayed out too late at night. He's new to this messed up world and having a daughter in the middle of it - that's going to make him more protective and more Joel than we have ever seen. Trust me. I see it and so does everyone else except you."

Ellie nodded, biting her lower lip. "I'll try." She knew exactly what Maria meant. She had seen a little of it outside the restaurant at Silver Lake. She had seen it in the way he and Tess interacted. She had seen it in the loss of Tess. She had seen it in the loss of Bill and Frank. There was a side of Joel she craved, someone to protect her, not just when things went wrong, but visibly to others. To have that shadow to walk in, great footsteps, someone to have her back, so that everyone else would stay the hell away. She wanted protective Joel, fatherly Joel. But that meant being vulnerable, and she just wasn't brave enough for that yet, but she wanted to try. It would be worth it to have her own defender and father. It was a new concept to her, as Maria had noted, and not one FEDRA taught in any way.

But Ellie had a feeling it was worth it.

"Good girl. Ready to take the test?"

"May as well, not going to get any more ready than I am right now. How do I take it?"

Maria pulled off the plastic cover on one end of the stick. "You pee on this end."

Ellie made a face. "That's fucking stupid and gross."

"That's how they make them," Maria laughed. "Then we wait a few minutes. It will have a readout on it, saying pregnant or not pregnant."

"I want Joel to read it first," Ellie stated, taking the test from Maria. "I want him to feel like he is part of this, I want him to be there for me. I - I want him to be in control, be the dad."

Maria nodded kindly. "He and Tommy are waiting in the kitchen. We will wait the proper amount of time, then you can take it down there to him, alright."

Ellie nodded, and sighed, standing up. "Well, here goes fucking nothing."

Ellie and Maria headed downstairs, the plastic cover back on the test, clutched tightly in Ellie's hand. Joel and Tommy sat at the kitchen island, talking quietly, drinking coffee. Joel stood when he saw them, setting his cup aside, arms opening for Ellie, and she ran to him and let him wrap her in a hug. He glanced at Maria over Ellie's head and Maria nodded, saying so much with no words. Joel knew she had talked to Ellie, and things would be okay. Tommy moved to Maria's side, putting one arm around her. She leaned into him, nodding encouragingly to him as well.

"So," Joel said into the top of Ellie's head, planting a kiss in her hair. "Am I going to be a grandpa?"

Ellie pulled away, breaking the hug, and he let her, looking down at her kindly. She looked so scared, so pitiful, that Joel imagined this was probably what it would have been like if Sarah came to him after finding out she was pregnant, and for just a second, it was her face looking at him. Deep in his heart, he found a strength, a protective instinct that had largely been dormant since he had walked away from Tess, knowing good and well that she was about to die.

He had sworn never to care that much again.

He had made the same promise after Sarah's death, after his failed suicide.

But as the years went by, and the infection went on, life settled into some kind of bitter daily repeat of work, get paid ration cards, smuggle drugs for more ration cards, survive, sleep when he could, and then he met Tess. Alliances were important in this day and time. And together, they developed a trust, a kinship, a love. They needed each other. It was more of a symbiotic relationship at first, but it developed into something tender, something pure, in the middle of so much carnage, and he broke the 'not going to care' promise.

Then she died.

And he buried the promise again.

But the moment that he had seen Ellie stumble out of that restaurant, he broke the promise again, although it had already started to fracture bit by bit, when she shot the young man to save him, when Sam and Henry died, when she had refused to abandon him on the floor of that basement, when she had risked his strength and pain induced reactions to stitch up his bleeding wound.

And as he looked down at her fragile eyes, that promise extended to the baby inside her, if there was one.

This is how he would atone for all the shit he had done through the years.

He would die an old man, caring the hell out of everyone he held dear to him.