It is the night before they are to leave for Philadelphia and he cannot sleep. The car is packed and ready to go. Their clothes have been laid out. Casey is meeting them at 5:30, so they should be on the road by 6 and in Philadelphia by 8, 8:30 the latest. Casey will check them into their hotel while he and Olivia head to the hospital for her ten o'clock appointment, and if all goes well, she will be having surgery early the next morning. He lays awake and tries to figure out if there is something that he has forgotten. He can think of nothing. They've made reservations at a local hotel for at least two nights with the plan of extending their reservation if need be. They have printed out copies of the reservation, directions to the hotel and hospital in case the GPS fails them, and packed clothes accordingly. Kathy picked the twins up earlier that evening and they will be with her until they return. Everything has been taken care of, and yet, he still cannot sleep.
Beside him lays his wife, and he lays there and listens to her breathing. She does not sleep either. Her breaths are not deep and long as they are when she is at peace and resting. He's listened to his wife sleep long enough to know that in this very moment she is awake. She lays still with her back to him as she gazes out the window at the dark night sky. She does not say a word to him, but he knows his wife well enough to know that she knows that he is not asleep either, and yet, they both continue to lay in silence. But the silence is loud in his ears and it bothers him. It makes him feel lonely when she is laying right there beside him. So he reaches out a gentle hand and lightly touches her shoulder. She turns to him and their eyes meet in the semi darkness of their moonlit room.
It's like seeing her for the first time.
Not the day he met her and was introduced to him as his new partner. No. A night many years ago. When he found her hunched over desk working on a case at four in the morning. It had been one of the tough ones that required them to be on duty without any sleep for days. He remembers that Cragen had finally sent them home to get a few hours of sleep. He had done such. He had needed to see his kids. Kiss his wife. After a quick nap, a shower, and a fresh shirt he had returned to the squad room to find her at her desk working by the light of her small desk lamp. Right where he knew she would be. Because unlike him she did not have a family to go home to. She had clean clothes in her locker, an uncomfortable bed to nap on in the crib and a shower nearby. He could tell from the bags under he eyes that she'd only used the shower. Her auburn hair had still been dripping wet. He placed the extra cup of coffee he had gotten for her on the side of her desk, and she had looked at him, much like she is right now, and smiled at him and simply said "thanks." In that moment he realized he had one hell of a beautiful partner.
Now he sees that he has one hell of a beautiful wife and the urge to kiss her overwhelms him. He leans towards her and touches his lips to hers. He's surprised when she doesn't pull away, as she has so many times before in the past weeks. Shocked when she kisses him back. Astounded when she parts her lips and allows him to slip his tongue into her mouth. She kisses him with so much love and tenderness he realizes he had forgotten what it was like to really kiss his wife. To feel the passion grow inside him. To have his heart swell with pride. To kiss her like he knows her. Like he loves her, because he's in love with her. But tonight he kisses her like he did the first time. After running through the streets when there was a torrential down poor, dripping wet as they tried to get warm again in the sedan.
He remembers.
He remembers the smell of the Chinese food in the take out bag they brought back with them. He remembers how that day she tasted like the coffee he had brought her that morning. He remembers the urge he felt to get in as much of her as he could in that moment all those years ago, and he kisses her like he did in that sedan. As she raises her hand to gently cradle his head he pulls his body closer to hers, wanting to be as close to her as he could be.
He removes her night shirt, an old Marines T-shirt that she loves to sleep in, even though it is starting to pull tight across her burgeoning belly. He caresses her like he did the first time, many nights ago on her couch after a round of beers and a game of darts at O'Malley's. She'd kicked his ass with a self assured smirk on her face, and he had never been more turned on. She always had good aim. Why he had challenged her in the first place, he wasn't sure, but he was sure glad he did. He massages her breasts gently, aware of the tenderness within, and trails his kisses down the long column of her neck. She moans beneath him, just like she did the first time. He quickly removes her underwear and then his boxers then moves over her carefully, and settles himself between her legs. He supports his weight on his arms positioned on either side of her shoulders and enters slowly. Just like he did the first time. She sighs beneath him just like she does every time.
He pushes carefully inside her and her fingers sink into the smooth skin of his back, and her mouth connects with his. His arms tremble with the effort of his exertion, and she seems to knows this even with her eyes closed. Without a word she rolls to her side and he shifts behind her. He presses his body close behind her and enters her from behind. Both his hands link with hers and together they envelop her and hold her close to him, and he makes love to her like he did the second time. The first time had been fast and passionate. It had been about feeling good, and satisfying the need that had grown inside them over the past few weeks, but the second time had been different. The second time had been slow and leisurely.
It had been about finally connecting.
About getting to know each other.
About learning.
Likes and Dislikes.
Moans and groans.
About feeling.
But he already knows his wife.
He knows exactly how to make love to her, it is a science that has been ingrained in his head. He knows exactly where to touch her and how. Exactly how hard to push inside her and when. He knows which spots on her body are the most sensitive. He knows everything that makes her scream out in ecstasy. Rake her nails down his back, and call out his name. He knows her.
But tonight it is just as sensual, just as passionate. His lips continue to trail kisses down her neck, and when she cranes her neck to kiss him behind her he kisses her with all the love he has inside him. She comes gently and he follows quietly behind her, but neither move. They simply lay in the quiet, their bodies still joined together. They enjoy moonlit darkness and stare at the night sky and wait for the sun to come up.
As the sun begins to rise he remains connected with her form head to toe. He enjoys this moment with her and he simply listens. He listens and counts and feels. He listens to her breaths. Twelve breaths per minute. Feels her heart beat beneath the hand that rests across her chest. Still joined to a hand of her own. Sixty-two beats per minute. Lower he can feel their children begin to stir in the early morning light as the sun begins to peak over the horizon. They simply lay and enjoy the serenity of the moment, and then-
The alarm blares.
Shattering their peaceful haze and forcing them to crash back into reality. "I'll shower first," he whispers into her ear. He kisses the back of her head and lets go of her hands and just like that. Their moment is over.
xXx
Olivia takes her time walking with Kayla down the steps. Their child is NOT a morning person. Elliot looks up and spots her and rushes to help her with their sleepy child. He lifts Kayla then takes Olivia's hand and helps her down the rest of the steps and when she reaches the bottom she sees that Casey is there.
"I'm going to get her strapped in, we're going to try and leave soon."
"Ok. I'm going to make some tea really quick."
"Already got it in the travel mug in the car."
"Kayla's breakfast?"
"Got cherrios in a baggie and milk in a sippy cup."
She can't help but smile. "Snacks?"
"It's not that long of a trip."
"Yea, but you know how she gets when she's been in the car too long. I'm going to make her another bag of cherrios and get a drink of water then I'll be right out."
"Alright."
They head in their opposite directions and Casey follows her into the kitchen. "Nervous?" Casey asks her friend.
"Yea. A little," Olivia replies as she busies herself with making Kayla's baggie of cheerios.
"So what's been going on? Why did Elliot ask me to come on this trip and not you? Why didn't you tell me something's wrong?"
"Casey. We just found out. All of this was put together in a matter of days."
"Yea, but you didn't call me. I mean what's been going on with you? You've barely talked to me in weeks, and we used to talk every day. Is it something I did?"
"No. No. It's not you. It's just that Elliot and I were going through some things. And I remember how hard it was on you last time being in the middle, and I didn't want to do that to you again."
She remembers. She remembers Elliot begging her to give him an in so that he could get his family back, and Olivia begging her to help her close him out. She remembers being torn between her two friends, because while she believed they should be together, she wanted to stand by her best friend's side and be the support system she needed. There eventually came point where it was just too much, and she had made that feeling known. A decision she now regrets. "Olivia…"
"Casey, it's ok."
"No. You needed me, and I made it seem like you couldn't come to me."
"It's fine. Don't worry about it."
"Well, what happened?"
"Elliot found out I was still friends with Peter, and it just…just didn't go over well."
Casey nods knowingly. "Well, Olivia, if you ever need me, I don't want you to hesitate to talk to me."
Olivia nods. "I won't."
She smiles, but Casey can see through the façade. "Olivia, I'm serious. I-I miss my friend."
"Me too," she responds and blinks back tears. "Sorry, hormonal."
Casey blinks back her own tears. "Same here."
"Wait, what?"
Casey grins unabashedly. "Eight weeks."
"Really? Congratulations Case!"
"Thanks."
"How's Richard feel about it?"
"He's actually happy about it. Excited even. We're in the process of looking for a place together."
"That's great Casey. I'm happy for you," she says and hugs her friend.
"Thanks," Casey replies and hugs her back.
xXx
The drive to Philadelphia is quick and relatively uneventful. Casey checks them all into their two bedroom suite at the hotel while Elliot and Olivia head over to the hospital for their appointment with Dr. Nahla Khalek. Their fingers are tightly linked and Elliot's leg jiggles. They both feel the tension and anxiety in the other, but neither says a word. They are both too scared to speak. Too afraid of what they might say or how the other will respond.
"Olivia?" a nurse calls.
"That's me," Olivia responds.
"Right this way," the nurse smiles and waves them over.
They follow her to a private room and she closes the door behind them. She quickly takes Olivia's vitals then leaves her with instructions to open and unzip her pants to allow the doctor the access she will need. Olivia does as she's been instructed and waits on the table.
"You ok?" Elliot asks.
"Yea. You?"
"I'm good."
There's a knock on the door and then the doctor enters. "Mr. and Mrs. Stabler. So nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Khalek," the doctor introduces herself and shakes each of their hands. "Let's get started." Olivia lays back and pulls up her shirt to expose her stomach. The doctor turns on the machine and begins typing. "Dr. Phillips informed me about your condition and from the sound of it you're a good candidate for surgery, but I still have to take a look for myself. Don't want any surprises in the O.R." She squeezes some gel onto her stomach and then moves the doppler over it. In a matter of seconds an image comes up on the screen and the doctor stares intently. She's quiet for a few minutes as she navigates Olivia's stomach, using the computer to spin the image around. "Well, it looks like you'll be having surgery tomorrow. Have any questions?"
"Yea. What exactly…?"
"Oh. I'm sorry. I should have explained the procedure to you. We'll be going in laparscopically with a laser that we'll use to sever the vessels that are connecting the babies."
"About how long will it take?" Elliot asks.
"We won't know until we go in there and see exactly how they're connected and how many vessels there are connecting them. What I just did now was confirm the dimensions needed to go in." She looks at her patients and can see the fear etched in their eyes. "I know you guys are scared, but you are surrounded by the best of the best. We handle these cases on a daily basis so I don't want you to worry. Yes, there are some serious risks, that I'm sure you're well aware of, but your babies need this surgery if they're going to survive." Neither parent says a thing, and she gives them a sympathetic look. "I want you to go out and try to relax. I'll make sure the nurse gives you my card before you leave, please don't hesitate to call if you have any questions or concerns. I'm going to go confirm the O.R for tomorrow." She leaves her patients and heads on her way, closing the door behind her.
After a minute Olivia finally sits up off the table and stares at her husband. Elliot stands and walks over to her. He wraps her in his arms and holds her tight. "It's going to be ok," he tells her, and he hopes it will be.
xXx
Elliot awakes late that night and quickly takes in his surroundings. It takes him a minute to realize that they are not in their bedroom in their home and instead in a hotel for the night, now only hours away from their surgery. He turns and looks across the bed and now understands what has woken him. While his two-year-old daughter sleeps soundly beside him, his wife is missing. He gets out of bed and begins searching for her. He finds her out on the balcony lying in a lounge chair. He slides open the door and steps out onto the balcony with her.
"Hey," he says.
"Hey," she replies back.
"What are you doing out here? Aren't you cold?"
"I'm fine."
And he believes her. Because while he stands outside in fifty degree weather wearing only flannel pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, Olivia wears an old Sienna sweatshirt and a pair of his pajama bottoms as well. She's also covered up under a few extra blankets. "You mind if I join you?" She raises up the blankets for him and scoots forward a bit. He quickly slips in behind her in the space created. She leans back and rests against his chest while he slips his hands underneath her sweatshirt to feel her belly. Her hands cover his and they lay in silence for a few minutes. He kisses the top of her head and inhales the scent of her flowery shampoo. "What are you thinking about?" he asks.
"Nothing much. Just names for the babies."
"Really. Anything good?"
"Well I was thinking if we had girls-"
"Boys Liv. Remember, we have to think boys. No girls. We have one perfect little girl and that's more than enough. To ask for more would be selfish."
"Right," she chuckles. "You're so full of shit." He laughs with her. "Fine. I was thinking Julian for a boy."
"Julian? That's a pansy's name."
"No, it's not. I really like it."
"Why?"
She shrugs. "I don't know, I just do."
"Hmm. Well, I guess I can think about it…Julian…Julian…Julian. I don't know Liv."
"Well, what do you have that's so much better?"
"Elliot's a great name."
"I don't think the world can handle another Elliot Stabler. Try again."
"How about Jordan. I really like Jordan."
"Isn't that a girl's name?"
"It is not a girl's name. It's a manly name. A strong name."
"Does this have anything to do with Michael Jordan?"
"He is only the greatest basketball player to walk the planet."
"Suuure. Forget about Kobe. Pierce. Shaq. LeBron."
"Please. None of them are as great as him."
"I'm not getting into a sports argument with you right now… Jordan…I like it."
"Yea?"
"Yea."
"Cool. So umm. Why are we out here?"
"Can't sleep, and I wanted to see the sun rise."
He nods knowingly. "Alright. We can just sit out here and wait." He kisses her temple and rests his head against hers. "I love you."
"Love you too."
It's not long before the sun begins to peak over the horizon. Pink and purple hues meld together and cover the early morning sky in a soft glow before turning orange. Not long after that they hear the alarm go off and know that its time to get ready. And just like that their moment is gone and it is back to their reality.
xXx
Olivia lays in bed, waiting to be prepped for surgery. They checked in without any issues, everyone around them is calm, and yet their anxieties are at an all time high. Dr. Khalek has been in to reassure them that everything will be fine.
Everything will be fine.
They obviously don't know her because in her life, nothing is ever fine. Her partnership went to shit because she fell in love with her partner. Her marriage is a mess because they'll be great on one day and on the verge of divorce the next. Her baby girl is not a baby anymore because she's walking and talking like a grown woman and not like she just turned two a few months ago. What's worse is she can't remember any of it. She can't remember when her daughter's vocabulary started to extend beyond Mama, Dadda, milk and poo poo. She doesn't remember when she became Mommy instead of Mama. She doesn't remember when her daughter started hating peas and loving carrots. She doesn't remember when her daughter's hair grew from tiny curls to long waves full of natural highlights. She looks at her little girl and she knows its her. She recognizes her. But she still wonders where her baby's gone and what happened to her. She doesn't understand how she can watch her grow up before her very own eyes and still miss it. She doesn't understand how her relationship with Elliot is in the fragile state that it's in, not when she loves him so much that sometimes it takes her breath away. Not when she's sure he feels the same way. Then of course once they decided to have more children it would have to be a challenge. It couldn't be easy like the first time when she had absolutely no intentions of getting pregnant. They don't understand, because her life wouldn't be her life if everything were fine.
Olivia reads a few more lines of Goodnight Moon and Kayla sits in her lap and listens intently. The nurse bustles in and smiles cheerfully at her. "Hi, I'm Linda. I'm going to start getting you prepped for today, so its time for this cutie pie to say goodbye."
Olivia squeezes Kayla tight. "Now you be a good girl for your Aunty Casey, ok?"
"Ok," Kayla nods and answers in a tiny voice.
Casey comes over and reaches for the little girl. "Good luck. We'll see you later."
"Yea, thanks so much for watching her."
"Not a problem." She takes Kayla and the little girl begins to cry.
"Noooo." Kayla whines.
"It's ok, Casey, just go. She'll be ok," Elliot says from his corner.
Linda approaches her with a wan smile, "I'm going to get you started with an IV." Olivia swipes her tears away and nods and holds out her arm. "You must be nervous, but you have nothing to worry about. Everything is going to be fine."
Fine.
If she hears that word one more time…
She watches Elliot stand in the corner as they go through the various motions of preparing her for surgery. She knows that he's scared, she can tell by the stoic look on his face, but she also knows he'll never admit it because he's trying to be strong. Not for himself, but for her. She tries to hide the grimace on her face when they catheterize her, she sees the way it scares him, but the tubing is uncomfortable and really she's ready for all of this to be over.
"I'm sorry," Linda says, "It's not the most comfortable thing in the world, but its standard procedure."
"It's ok. Just do me a favor and make sure that thing is out of me as soon as the surgery is over."
Linda smiles. "I'll do my best, and I think the doctor is ready for you now so we're going to start wheeling you over to the OR."
"Ok. Can I just have one more minute with my husband?"
"Sure thing."
Linda leaves and Olivia turns her attention to Elliot. "C'mere. I want to talk to you for a minute."
Elliot smiles and sits on the side of her bed. "Yea, what about? You know you look cute in that," he says and motions to the foam shower cap she wears.
"Yea? Maybe I should make it a part of my wardrobe. Some kind of fashion statement or something?"
"Yea, you can be a trend setter."
"Oh I've always been a trend setter," she snarks back cockily. "But that's not what I wanted to talk to you about."
"What did you want to talk about?
"Elliot…if something goes wrong in there."
Elliot shakes his head. "No. No."
"Elliot."
"No, Olivia, we're not going to have this conversation. Not right now. Not right before you're about to go in there."
"That's exactly why we have to talk about it now. This is the last few moments we have. So if something happens in there. If it comes down to me or them," her eyes fill and her lower lip quivers. "I want you to chose them," she finishes and her voice cracks.
"Olivia…"
"Even if it's just one of them."
"Liv… we can have more children. You don't have to-"
"No. You make sure they do whatever they can to save our babies."
"Olivia…"
"Promise me."
"Liv, I can't."
She takes his hand in his. "Promise me, Elliot. If you love me at all, you'll promise me this," she challenges, and she knows she's fighting dirty.
That does it. He can't deny her. Not when it brings into question his love for her. "I promise."
"And you'll name one of them Julia."
"We're having boys, Liv."
"Fine then. Julian."
"Time for us to go," Linda says from the doorway.
"We're ready," Olivia tells her.
Two orderlies, along with Linda, begin wheeling her down the hall and Elliot follows beside them, Olivia's hand in his. They reach the double doors that lead to where the operating rooms are and they pause in front of them.
"I'm sorry Mr. Stabler, but this is as far as you can go."
Elliot nods and turns to Olivia. "I love you."
"I love you too."
They share a kiss and he backs away from the stretcher her hand still in his. The orderlies begin to wheel her in and he doesn't let go until her hand slips out of his.
xXx
In the OR Olivia assists them with transferring her over to the OR table. The anesthesiologists shoots her up with the proper drugs and soon she cannot feel anything below her chest. They fit her with a cannula and begin prepping her stomach for the surgery and soon they have begun the procedure. Olivia stares at the screen nearby and gets her first real visual of her babies. She can count their tiny fingers and their tiny toes, see their tiny veins through their transparent skin. She sees their little faces and notices that they have their father's eyes. She lays there and thinks about them, and the family and friends so eager to meet them. The people at work. Cragen and the guys.
Casey.
Melinda.
Maureen.
Kathleen.
Lizzie.
Rick.
Kayla.
Elliot.
Elliot.
Elliot.
She closes her eye and can see him in her mind's eye. He stands there smiling at her. Waiting for her. His eyes are so bright and full of love for her, and his smile is warm and loving. He reaches for her and she reaches back and when she is finally with him she relaxes and fades to black.
xXx
He's not sure how long he stands behind those closed double doors, but it is long after they have wheeled her down the hall before he feels a hand on his left shoulder.
"Dad?"
He turns around at the familiar voice and is surprised to see his oldest standing there. "Hey, what are you doing here?"
"We wanted to be here. For support."
"We?"
"Yea. Lizzie and Dickie, excuse me Rick, are downstairs raiding the cafeteria vending machines, and Kathleen went to get us some decent coffee around the corner because hospital coffee sucks."
Elliot smirks. "Thanks baby."
"Why don't we go sit and wait in the waiting room?"
"I want to be here when she gets out."
"I know, Dad, but I don't think she'll mind if you're waiting a few feet from the door instead."
She takes his hand and pulls him along to the waiting room and seats him in a chair nearby. It's not long before Lizzie and Rick join him, and then Kathleen with drinks for everybody. They pass the time with catching their father up with what is going on in each of their lives. Rick is still doing well on the football team, and may be starting in their next game. Lizzie finally made it onto the gymnastics team. Kathleen has yet a new boyfriend and has decided to change her major yet again from pre-med to journalism. Maureen is enjoying her work as a TA in the Classics department over at Hudson. She's in the middle of her dissertation and loving every minute of it. He tries to listen intently to what each of his children are saying, but he can't keep his mind from wondering what is going on beyond those double doors. He keeps one eye trained on the doors waiting in anticipation for her doctor to emerge from them.
A couple hours later her doctor finally does appear from behind those double doors and Elliot quickly springs to his feet.
The doctor smiles at him. "Relax Mr. Stabler, everything went fine. There were more vessels connecting them than we initially anticipated, but we were able to sever them without any problems. She's resting in post op right now."
"Can I see her?"
"She's sleeping right now, so we're going to wait a little bit, and make sure her vitals are all stable then we'll move her back into her room and you and your family can visit her there."
"Wait, sleeping? I thought she was supposed to be awake for the surgery."
"She was, but it seems that she fell asleep. Gave us a bit of a scare at first but she responded to our attempts to wake her and her vitals were stable the whole time."
"Good. Good. Yea, she was tired. She hasn't really slept the past couple of days. Too nervous. So can I can see her now?"
"I'm sorry, we don't usually allow family into the recovery area."
"Please. Just for five minutes," he begs and pleads with her with his eyes.
Her doctor sighs. "Five minutes."
Elliot follows the doctor into the post op section and to her bedside. She sleeps peacefully on her left side, and the monitors blip and beep and mark her cadence of life. He runs his fingers through her hair and they snag on one of the waves. "I love you," he whispers in her ear then kisses her softly on her lips.
xXx
Elliot and the kids stand back as they wheel Olivia into the hospital room. The doctor and nurses set her up and make sure everything is ok before leaving them alone.
Elliot sits beside her bed and takes her hand in his, "Hey Liv."
Her eyes blink open then close again. "Hey," she croaks.
"Doc says everything went well."
"Ok," she sighs. "Kayla here?"
"No, but my kids are here. They all came to see you. Wish you well."
"Yea?"
"Yea."
"Hey, Olivia," Lizzie says.
"Hi guys. Thanks for coming," Olivia replies back sleepily.
"No problem Olivia," Kathleen answers. "How're you feeling?"
Olivia doesn't answer. She only sleeps.
"Dad, I think we're gonna go. Let her get some rest. We'll come back later when she's awake."
"Alright. Thanks guys." He hugs and kisses them goodbye, hands them his room key, and watches them leave.
Once they're gone he resumes his place by Olivia's bedside and takes her hand in his. He flips on the television and decides to watch the local news while she sleeps. Hours pass by and she continues to rest peacefully. He's startled when her hand twitches in his and her fingers grab his in a vice grip.
She cries out.
"Liv?! What's wrong?!"
Her face squinches up in pain before she vomits and the alarms begin to blare. "Liv?! Help! Help!" he calls. He looks back at her and she stares at him with the same fear he has in his eyes.