Chapter 3 - Uncomfortable

The next morning, I wake up before Magnus. I check on him and he's still passed out in my bed, my sheets tangled up his legs. He's drooling on my pillow and he still looks gorgeous. I try not to stare at him too long, and quickly grab some clothes from my room. I get ready and leave for work before he can wake up.

I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to bring up what happened if he asks.

I don't want to be near him, because not talking is just going to hurt.

Once I'm finished work, I decide to put off going to the apartment by visiting Isabelle.

Mom opens the door, "Oh, hi Alec."

I smile awkwardly. "Hi Mom," I say but it's too quiet.

She looks hurt and lets me inside. It's weird being home again, even though I've only been gone for about a week. Everything feels different, but familiar. Mom leads me into the kitchen, offering tea or coffee. I feel like such an adult and it's weird.

We pass the living room and I can see Max sitting on the couch, reading a manga. He looks up at me with his big glasses and grins. I smile and wave. He leaps off the couch.

"Alec! You're back!" He can't seem to stop smiling, and I smile back at him.

"Yeah, but I'm just visiting," I say. I think it's a normal volume, but it's probably quieter than most people. "What have you been up to?"

He follows me into the kitchen and we sit at the table. It's clean, like usual. The place mats are piled in the corner for when everyone gathers for dinner. The kitchen is spotless, except for some dishes in the drying rack. Just like usual. It's nice to be home for a while. There's a lot less tension in my shoulders.

Max tells me about his week. Not very many people listen to him, I think. He's a lot younger than me and Isabelle, and Mom and Dad are usually busy with their work. He usually talks a lot with me because I don't do much to shush him. Being quiet is good with people who like to talk. I seem like I'm listening, even when I'm not. I like talking to Max anyways, it's comfortable, and there aren't that many expectations.

"So..." Max looks down at the table and starts twiddling his thumbs. It's weird, I don't usually see him this bashful. He looks up at me, obviously embarrassed, "How do you talk to girls?"

"Talk to girls?" I say slowly.

"You know, like, say you really like like a girl. And you want to go on a date with her. What do you say?" Max looks at me like I have every answer in the world. Mom, who's been listening and working on dinner, looks over at me too.

My stomach drops. Sure, I've talked to girls. I'm comfortable talking to girls. I have lots of friends that are girls. But I've never asked a girl out. I've never asked anyone out. I've just never been interested in dating a girl. I've tried to make myself like girls, but it just never felt right. And Mom doesn't know any of that.

I shrug. If Mom wasn't staring at me, I'd probably say more.

"Just..." I clear my throat. It feels tight and my voice squeaks, "Say how you feel about her."

It sounds lame. Max should be asking Jace—he knows all about talking to girls and then some. I don't really know why he's asking me. Jace would be tell him about all the finesse and charm it takes to win a girl's heart. Admittedly, Max is still in grade school and I don't think he needs to win anyone's heart just yet, but Jace would still be more help than me.

Max nods, and he looks a little disappointed that I don't have more to say, "Okay. I guess I could do that."

"You have a crush?" Mom brings over the tea. She sits down next to Max and ruffles his hair. Max pushes his hair back into place, frowning at her.

"No," he mutters.

"Alright but if you ever want to invite her over, that's perfectly okay," Mom smiles.

I smile too. I let go of some of the tension that crept up on me while I thought about Max's question. Mom's still Mom, and it's good to see her.

I dread going back to my apartment.

"How's your new place?" Mom turns her attention back to me. Some of the tension comes back. "Is your roommate nice?"

I clear my throat and shrug. "It's good. He's... nice."

"Is he a friend from school?" she asks, pouring herself a cup of tea.

I shake my head.

"Oh? Where did you meet him?"

"He answered Alec's online ad," I turn and see Izzy strut through the door. She's with Jace, and Jace's girlfriend, Clary. Izzy continues, "He's a total hottie, too."

I blush.

"Oh?" Mom says, putting her mug of tea down. She gives Isabelle a look.

"I still haven't met him, but with a name like Magnus, he's probably a hottie," Jace chimes in. "Hey, Maryse, hey Max."

I want to just crawl under the table and hide. Can we please stop talking about Magnus? I came home to escape him. I pour milk into my tea and try to pretend I'm not here.

Jace claps me on the back, "Haven't seen you in a while. How'd the move go?"

"Good," I say, shrugging. I realize, looking at him, I'm still a bit pissed that he dropped out on me. I glance at Clary, "How'd yours go?"

"Fantastic," Jace says, smiling at Clary. She smiles back. They're so in love, it makes me uncomfortable. "We've been screwing like rabbits."

"Jace!" she hits his arm, but she's grinning.

Mom frowns. "Jace, mind your manners in front of Max."

Max shrugs, "It's okay, Mom."

Clary's blushing a little. "Anyways, the move went great. We just finished unpacking everything we can fit, and we were thinking of going shopping for some kitchen stuff. Do you want to come with us, Alec?"

I shrug, "Okay..." I can't really think of much I need, but I could use a break.

"We'll pick you up Wednesday after you're done work," Jace says.

Izzy shakes her head, "I'm so jealous of you three. Moved out and on your own already."

"Living at home isn't that horrible," Mom says, smiling. I can't tell if she minds us talking about this stuff. She was a bit sad when I started talking about moving out, but it was the next step for me. I was finished school, and I don't have any college aspirations for the moment.

"I know," Izzy says, "But it's exciting."

I think about going back to the apartment and I wish it was still exciting. Now it just gives me a feeling of dread and embarrassment.

"Would it be okay if I stayed for dinner?" I ask, quietly. It's easier to talk with both Isabelle and Jace here.

"Of course," Mom says, looking concerned, "You don't ever have to ask for a dinner invitation here, you're always welcome to join us."

I nod, "Thanks, Mom."

"You should come every weekend," Max says.

I smile, "Sure."

Mom invites Jace and Clary to stay for dinner. I hang out and talk a bit with everyone until dinner, when Dad gets home.

Over dinner, he asks me about how work is going. I work as an assistant at an office—I managed to get a co-op placement there in my senior year, and they hired me when I was finished school. It's a busy job, with lots of filing and paperwork, but it lets me be pretty quiet most of the time. People like one word answers, it makes them feel important. I tell Dad that it's going well.

He asks about the apartment and I tell him it's good. He nods and we don't say much to each other for the rest of dinner.

Dad's hard to talk to, he's pretty quiet himself. If we're not talking about our work, we don't really talk at all. And even then, my answers are usually one or two words. And they're hard to say.

Isabelle drives me home after dinner.

"Have you said two words to this Magnus guy yet?" she asks.

"No," I sigh. I'm not going to tell her about Magnus crawling into bed with me. "He makes me uncomfortable."

"How?"

"He's... He has no shame," I say. "He walks around naked."

"He does?" Her whole face lights up. "Can I come live with you?"

I scowl at her. "I mean he walks around half naked. And he walked in on me in the shower. Nothing bothers him."

"I think you need to loosen up a bit," Isabelle says. "So what if he likes showing off his body? You're a bit of a prude, Alec."

"I know," I huff.

She pulls up along the curb across from my apartment. Before I go to open the door, she turns and looks at me. "Alec."

"What?" I'm nervous about the look she's giving me.

"Do you like Magnus?"

I swallow a lump in my throat. "Nope."

She gives me another look. "Alexander, I think you like Magnus."

I scowl at her, "I do not."

"You blush every time we talk about him," she says.

"I blush about everything."

"Not this much."

I want her to stop talking about it. I don't want to have a crush on my roommate. I don't want a crush on anyone. If I could talk, it would be fine. But I can't.

I blink hard because I think I might start crying like an idiot. Isabelle sighs. I hope she can't see my face in the dim evening light.

"You need to come out of your shell a bit, Alec," she says, "That's all."

If I could, I would. But it's not that easy. She sounds like Dad.

I shrug and get out of her car.

The trudge up the stairs to the fifth floor is hard. I want to lie down in my bed and never get up. But I have this horrible dread that Magnus is still going to be in my bed when I get there.

But he's not. He's not even home.

Author Note: Since it's no secret, I'm writing Alec as if he had selective mutism and a lot of social anxiety. I hope I'm treating that stuff with dignity, and feel free to tell me if I'm not. uwu Once again, thanks for all the great feedback. Thanks for reading.